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Wednesday, 19 October 2011


 (A Ranch, somewhere in New Jersey)
(Camera pans to Bruce Springteen, who is sat on the large kingsized bed in discoloured jogging bottoms & a Shoplifters of the World Unite, food stained, t shirt. He is hunched over his laptop. He is unshaven).
BRUCE: (Shouting) Patti, Patti come quick, Morrissey's STILL not back on the blog thing yet but I've found dozens more pages. Patti, quick, come see this fabricated video interview, it's dated May 15th, how did I miss it, I thought I'd read EVERYTHING.
Mrs Springsteen enters the room.
PATTI: Bruce honey, Bruce, you've been in bed now for over a week. The tv people are getting a bit annoyed. *Patti looks sheepishly towards the camera and then looks off screen towards the director*
Bruce honey, if you don't get off that Morrissey website thing and actually DO something, they're talking about stopping filming. Bruce, are you listening to me? Bruce, the American public DO NOT want to watch a fly on the wall, warts and all documentary about you in bed reading a blogsite about f*cking Morrissey. For f*cks sake Bruce, put the frigging computer down and DO something.
BRUCE: Patti, they wanted real life, this IS frickin real. I'm telling you it's frickin real, it IS Morrissey. *Calls to Dave the director* Dave, Dave, come see this. Dave come see this. It's called Excerpt from the autobiography: Celebrity Fans. Holy F*ck, it's dated May 14th, how did I miss it? How the f*ck did I miss this one? Eight f*cking days I've been sat in this stinking bed reading this blog and still I find more. Jeez Dave, this autobiography piece is THE f*cking funniest thing I've read since, well since the Bans Committee thing.
*Sound of equipment being packed up*
DAVE: I'm sorry Mrs Springsteen but we've had Jon Bon Jovi's people on the phone and they've agreed to us going over there instead. Jon's talking about paragliding in a chicken suit and everything.
BRUCE: Hold up, hold up, my creative juices are flowing, Morrissey's Wildean wit is influencing me. *Turns to Patti and whispers* What's Wildean actually mean sugar?
PATTI: I think it's something to do with the dead poet's society or something, I'll ask Robin Williams.
BRUCE: *Picking up guitar* Listen Dave, listen to this. *singing, to the tune of Born in the USA* Bored in the U S A, I was bored in the U S A. *stops singing* Morrissey will love that one. Or how about this, I've been thinking, I need to broaden my fan base, I need to get the gays coming to my concerts. The gays, they all love Morrissey, especially the Mexican ones. How does he frickin do it? Dave, listen to this one *Picks up guitar again and starts singing to the tune of Born to Run* 'Cause tramps like us, Baby we were born to rim.
*Sound of door closing shut*
BRUCE: *muttering under his breath* C*nts.

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