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Saturday, 29 October 2011

Day 45 - Morrissey The Musical - Saturday 29th October 2011


(The setting is the board room of  'The Really Useful Group'.
In the room is Baron Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Sir Timothy Miles Bindon Rice.
There is a knock at the door and Sarah Brightman enters the room followed by The Mozziah, Betty Dwyer, Russell Brand & Boz Boorer.)

SARAH: Mr Morrissey My Lord.

BARON L-W(BLW):  Thank you Sarah, sit over there in the corner and take notes.*Shaking hands with The Mozziah enthusiastically, although limply* Morrissey, thank you SO very much for coming, may I say how VERY excited both I and Tim are about this project. We haven't felt like this since Jesus Christ Superstar, oh the parallels, the songs, please sit down, sit down.

MOZZIAH: Thank you, this is Boz Boorer my guitarist.

BOZ: *Shaking BLW's hand* Musical director.

MOZZIAH: This is, friend of mine, Russell.

BRAND: *Hugging BLW* Ooo Andrew such and absolute pleasure to meet you my lordship and may I say how I've always admired your work, especially all that stuff you did on the telly with Graham Norton.

BLW: Thank you, have you met Tim?

BRAND: Not unless he was the geezer what owned that crack house in Basildon High Street, come to think of it, he did look a bit like you.

MOZZIAH: *Ignoring Brand's Mad Eyed Chambermaid antics* And this is my mother Betty.

BLW: Pleased to meet you Mrs Morrissey.

BETTY: Dwyer.

BLW: Sorry?

BETTY: It's not Morrissey, it's Dwyer.

BLW: Oh, sorry, is it Welsh?

BETTY: Irish, it means black.

TIM RICE & BRAND: *Simultaneously breaking in to song* Whoa Black Betty bam a lam, whoa Black Betty bam a lam, Black Betty had a child bam a lam, the damn thing gone wild. *The pair break into laughter and hug*

BLW: *Smiling embarrassingly* Yes, well, shall we get on?

BRAND: We do get on *starts laughing again, as does Rice, everybody else is quiet*

BLW: You're not an easy man to get hold of Mr Morrissey.

MOZZIAH: Morrissey please, just call me Morrissey.

BLW: Yes, you're hard to track down. I asked my people to contact your people but you don't seem to have a manager. Do you do everything yourself?

MOZZIAH: Mum and Boz are very helpful and...

BRAND: *Interrupting* I helps out wiv the web an' all that don't I? I've got over three million twitter followers and I've been in films and everything.

BLW: *Ignoring Brand* Listen, Mr, I mean Morrissey, let's get down to the nitty gritty, Tim and I want you on stage.

BRAND: He's always on stage, he's played 'em all you know, Hollywood Bowl, Madison Square Gardens, Albert Hall, Earls Court, Wembley Arena, London Palladium, Great Yarmouth Pier.

BLW: *Again ignoring Brand* Morrissey, forget We Will Rock You, forget Mama Mia, Tim and I want to create Morrissey the Stage Show. We're thinking either 'Irish Blood, English Heart' or 'The Boy With The Thorn In His Side', perhaps even 'This Charming Man', there's plenty of options but the public need to make the connection. I'll be honest, I wasn't THAT familiar with your work until very recently when a friend of mine, who works in chambers, informed me he'd been studying your work in great detail. He thinks you're a genius, Tim thinks you're a genius, I think you're a genius. I'm not quite sure how your career has bypassed me. I've spent the last two weeks catching up. Morning, noon and night Tim and I have been listening to every note, every word. 'Gone to waste in the wrong arms', beautiful, quite beautiful.

BRAND: That's my favourite, I love that one.*Bursts in to song with Tim Rice joining in* Trouble loves me, trouble neeeeds me, two things more than you do.

BLW: Ahem.

BETTY: I do love that one too. You've got a nice voice Russell, I never realised.

BRAND: Thanks Mrs D, any requests?

BETTY: Bengali?

MOZZIAH: MOTHER! RUSSELL! For Christ's sake.

BETTY: STEVEN! Don't take the lord's name in vain *crosses herself*

BLW: Sarah, Go and get a fresh pot of tea.

BETTY: Please.

BLW: *Looking perplexed* Sorry?

BETTY: Please! You should always say please.

BLW: It's only Sarah, she shouldn't even still be here. We got divorced over twenty years ago but she's never actually left. Hangs around looking like Nancy Dell'olio's googled eyed twin. Still, she's useful for making tea and things. We used to have Prince Edward here making tea but he was useless c*nt. Oh shit, sorry, I do apologize Mrs Dwyer, that just slipped out.

BETTY: No please don't apologize, I fully understand.

BLW: *Turning back to The Mozziah* Morrissey, do you feel you are more creative now or with The Smiths?

BOZ: Objection.
*Everybody looks at Boz*

MOZZIAH: What do you mean objection Boz? This isn't a court.

BOZ: Why'd he have to bring up the 'S' word?

MOZZIAH: Smiths Boz, the word is Smiths.

BOZ: There's no need, that's all I'm saying, there's just no need. *mutters under breath* Wanker.


BOZ: Not you Moz, I meant him, old Lord Toffee twat.


BOZ: Sorry Mrs D.

BLW: *Speaking to Morrissey* Look, I think we may have talked enough for one day, I just wanted to meet you in the person, so to speak and get a feel for you. See what you thought to the Musical idea. Tim and I were thinking, open up with 'Irish Blood', straight into 'Barbarism' and 'Headmaster's', then I thought 'Charming Man' but Tim thinks 'Glove'. Personally I wasn't thinking of having 'Glove' in it at all but Tim thinks it's essential don't you Tim?

RICE: Well we can hardly tell the story of the Salford poet without the song that put him on the map.

BETTY: Hulme.

MOZZIAH: Ssh mum.

BETTY: It's all in the detail Steven, you know that. And that reminds me, I've come up with a fantastic new back drop for the new tour.

MOZZIAH: MUM! Not here. And those back drops are my idea.

BETTY: Hah! Which one? Sacha? Er, I don't think so.

BLW: Listen, I think we need to break for today, but can I take it we're in agreement to getting this project off the ground?

BRAND: Definitely, I love it, love it, love it.

MOZZIAH: Er, Russell?

BRAND: Sorry Morrissey.

MOZZIAH: Who have you got in mind to actually play 'ME'? I was thinking...

BLW: *Interrupting* Well I want to find a new you via the BBC. A tv programme called something like..

BRAND: *Interrupting* 'Finding The Mozziah'.

BLW: Ooo, I quite like that. No, I was thinking 'Search for The Moz' or 'A Charming Man' but 'Finding The Mozziah', yes I DO like that, Sarah, write that down.

RICE: I thought we'd decided against the tv thing, so tacky, so NOT Morrissey.

MOZZIAH: Agreed.

RICE: No, I was thinking Tim Burgess or Tim Booth or Tim Roth.

EVEYBODY(except Rice): TIM ROTH?

RICE: Curry then, Tim Curry, he was brilliant as Frank N Furter.

BRAND: I was gonna play Frank N Furter, hey, I could play Morrissey?

MOZZIAH: Sit down Russell.

BETTY: Well, nice to meet you Lord Webber, we'll give it some thought, and if you're up our way, please do pop in, the kettle's always on.

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