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Friday, 4 November 2011

Following the Mozziah Day 51 - Friday 4th November 2011

Terry Hall sang in 'Rat Race' (all the best races involve rats) that he only had one art 'O' level and 'it did nothing for me'. Thick twat, ONE 'O' level? I've got two! But unlike Terry, both my 'O' levels have done plenty for me, not that the education system can take any claim for that, like Terry, my 'O' levels came in the natural ability subjects of Drama and English Language. I failed English lit due to a combination of yet another inadequate, lifeless teacher and the subject matter of MacBeth, a shocker of a play. I think I may have mentioned before that the words Oscar & Wilde were not mentioned ONCE in the whole of my 13 and a half years of state education. Come to think about it, I honestly believe the most educational books I read at school were Gobbolino The Witches Cat and The Enchanted Wood. I loved that Moon Face. I could blame my lack of success at school on my upbringing. Rather selfishly, my dad decided to die three weeks after my eleventh birthday, he was very badly burnt, well, cremated actually. I can laugh about it now but at the time it was terrible. Well actually, it wasn't ALL that terrible. That may sound a bit heartless but he wasn't a particularly 'hands on' dad, although it now transpires that he was very much 'hands on' with all the ladies he used to work with. Not that my mother's bitter you understand? I think she just felt the need to tell me what he was REALLY like so that I didn't hold him on some sort of pedestal. Bizarrely, I have just googled the word 'Pedestal' to make sure I'd spelt it correctly, and it has two meanings; 'over idealizing someone' and 'lusting after women'. How ironic then that my mother didn't want my father on a pedestal when he was indeed a pedestal himself! No, life after dad wasn't that terrible at all, my mother GAVE me everything I wanted, and let me DO whatever I wanted. My record collection and Subbuteo collection were the envy of all my friends. I had everything, including Dukla Prague Away Kits on both vinyl and in the form of plastic men. Sorry, I should explain to those of you who have no idea what I'm rambling on about, 'Dukla Prague' were a football team from the old Czechoslovakia, 'All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit' was a record by Half Man Half Biscuit, 'Vinyl' was a beautiful substance that records were produced on from 1953 to present day, although very few artistes still produce their goods on vinyl, although of course the Mozziah does, and 'Subbuteo' was a football game made up of little plastic men, particularly popular in the 70's and 80's. Anyway, the whole of that last sentence is irrelevant because I never owned the Half Man Half Biscuit record, I made that up, poetic licence and Subbuteo never produced a Dukla Prague team, let alone in an away kit! Which reminds me, in the 90's, me and a friend, (yes he IS one of my 'Mozziah friends') used to travel to Prague quite a lot. His brother lived there and we LOVED the place. We made a point of going to Dukla's ground to try and buy the infamous away kit, but seeing as Dukla Prague, in those days, was the 'Army team' of a then communist country, guess what? They didn't even MAKE replica kits, let alone sell them. We made do with having a kick about with some locals on the Dukla pitch and then headed over to Sparta Prague's ground where my mate purchased the Sparta home kit. Not quite the same, but he was happy. That evening we watched Sparta Prague draw one each with Benfica in the European Cup and bizarrely the 'hardcore' Sparta fans were all wearing Harrington jackets inside out, with the tartan showing, and they had a large Union Jack flag that had 'HOOLIGANS' sprawled across it. Who says we don't export anything anymore? So back to my poor education, which we've ascertained wasn't down to father's pedestalling and ultimate demise, mind you, very quickly, mother was no saint by all accounts. I remember childhood holidays with 'family friends' where I'm sure there was 'swapsys' going on. Well they were all 'free spirits' who'd gone to the Isle of Wight festival of 1970 but it was all very confusing for a young rodent like me back then. I've just had a thought, if I do become famous and this blog is published as a modern day classic, mum might read that last bit. Oh well, she's a game old bird and she wouldn't expect any less from me anyway! Mother, if you're still alive by the time this comes out, I loves yer. Anyway, back to my poor education, which we've ascertained cannot be blamed on poor old 'crispy fried' Dad, so therefore it must've been mum's fault! Well sorry mother but if you hadn't been so soft on me and had actually made me do some work instead of just force feeding me vinyl and little plastic men, I might have achieved something. Mind you, she wasn't ALL bad, her love of music meant our household was always full of song. My education from her came mainly in the form of Neil Diamond and The Carpenters but I must thank her for one record in particular, that even today lifts my spirits more than any other non Mozziah song, and this particular record doesn't even have any words, which is strange for me because all the rest of my favourite songs are ALL about the words, and funnily enough, virtually all sung by one Steven Patrick Mozziah Shaped Morrissey. The record in question is 'Wonderful Land' by The Shadows. If you aren't familiar with it, go to Youtube, where there is a version from Dutch tv, turn your volume up and enjoy. So mum gave me probably the most important education, music, so I won't blame her after all. In fact, it can't be my mum or crispy fried dad's fault anyway, because all my mates failed at school too, and children throughout Britain are continuing to fail, so the blame must lay firmly on the shoulders of useless teachers, useless local authorities and of course a succession of diabolically inept Members of Parliament who for the past forty/fifty years have taken us from one balls up to the next, which has left the HMP UK in one big mess. Thank God for music and thank The Mozziah in particular for THE most uplifting of music since Wonderful Land.
  For those expecting me to make my directing debut on today's blog (see yesterday's), it'll have to wait for another day.
 I managed to stay off twitter last night but before logging off, I did manage to witness The Mozziah's tweets as he ripped in to old Reg Dwight, BeboBieber and Mad Donna. His description of Madonna was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, he said, 'If Madonna were a fast food chain, she'd be McDonalds: tasteless meat on display; regrettable style; people keep popping in to use the loo.' 'KEEP POPPING IN TO USE THE LOO!' All hail The Mozziah, for he IS the king of wit, and all achievable in 140 bytes. I also peaked in to twitter this morning and saw that The Mozziah's son, Buck, had also appeared briefly on twitter and left me another Youtube song, Butterfly Collector, an old Jam song being played by Weller & Noel Gallagher. Another of my favourite songs, how does he know? I'll send him a gift of 'Wondeful Land' by The Shadows, at least he'll know the words.
 MorrisseysWorld Website has a debate asking 'What Will Happen At Chicago?' Anybody living in the area, with any sort of entrepreneurial spirit, should be buying up every last rose in town and opening a stall outside the venue, there's a fortune to be made. I believe there will be quite a few roses, although if The Mozziah's twitter account is anything to go by, maybe not! His followers have gone from 3,863 on Sunday, to a grand total this morning of 3,863. Has he been taking lessons from Joyce? Having had the website up and running 'properly' now for a couple of months, and having made 1,619 tweets, STILL the masses don't believe, but Chicago WILL be a success and then there will be four days before the Texas concerts and the web and twitter will be BUZZING. Will the roses in Texas be yellow? Will The G*ardian finally admit in print that MorrisseysWorld IS run by The Mozziah? Will Buck invite me to go and watch a concert with him? Oh the excitement, you can almost lick it.

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