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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Following the Mozziah Day 56 Wednesday 9th November 2011

To Bias or Not To Bias? That is the question. I knew that studying MacBeth at school would come in handy one day. Yes yes, I know, it's my little joke, I know it was Othello. Anyway, the point is, The Mozziah's guitarist, Jesse Tobias, has a few little 'visa' problems and isn't able to be in Chicago for the opening night of the tour tomorrow. Can you imagine the scene yesterday as it dawned on The Mozziah that Jesse wouldn't make it?
(The Mozziah's Hotel Room - Chicago - Yesterday)
Boz Boorer knocks on the door, there is no reply. He knocks again, still no reply. He then starts thumping the door hard. The door is opened by The Mozziah, wearing a paisley silk dressing gown and with some sort of heated clamp on his quiff. He is holding a china cup and saucer. The quintessential English gentleman, except perhaps for the clamp!
MOZ: What the f*ck is it Martin? How many times have I told you, nobody, and I mean nobody is to come to my room. if you want me, use the inter room phone service.
BOZ: But you don't ever answer.
MOZ: That's because I don't want to be disturbed. Do you have ANY idea what I'm responsible for? I organise bookings, hire the road crew, design back drops for the stage, and now of course I have to keep all those demanding fans happy with mind blowingly brilliant witisisms on that stupid twotter thing, as well as keeping the new website up to date and administrated. It makes you wonder how I EVER get any time to actually write any bloody songs, let alone try and sort out a new record deal. Of course what I really need is a manager to take care of all this but they're ALL so useless, nobody EVER gets it right, it's ALL in the detail Martin, all in the detail. And then there's you musicians to organise and practice with, although why we need practice God only knows, you must know the notes by now?
BOZ: Actually Moz...
MOZ: Martin? What is it I've told you to call me now?
BOZ: Sorry, MOZZIAH, you see, it's about the musicians that I'm here. It's Jesse you see, he's got visa problems.
MOZ: Jesse?
BOZ: The other guitarist?
MOZ: OH, the pretty one, Jesse, is that his name? Nice lad. Visa problems? God if it isn't drugs, alcohol or women with you bloody musicians it's gambling. How much does he owe on his visa card? I don't know why I bother paying any of you, I really don't. You all just spunk it away, no planning for the future. There must be thousands of musicians out there who would happily come and play with me for free, just for the privilege of working with the real and proper poet laureate. Do you know, if I picked up the phone to that Gallagher boy, the talented one with the big hooter, he'd walk across that ocean for the opportunity to get on stage with The Mozziah. He begs me on a weekly basis Martin, every other fax I get is from him saying, I've played with Weller, I've played with what's his name, what is his name Martin? The lanky fella with the coloured plasters on his fingers?
BOZ: Stephen Merchant?
MOZ: NO! The piano man, married to the girl from that film I liked about the parallel lives? Paltrow. That's him, Chris Paltrow. But I ignore him Boz. What's in it for me having Gallagher on stage? Nothing. Bloody collaborations, why do they all do it? It cheapens the song and always sounds like a racket. Would van Gogh have invited Mauve to collaborate? Of course not, so the last thing I want is some numpty squealing all over There's a Light just cos their career's gone down the swanny.
BOZ: It's not his visa credit card boss, it's his visa to stay in the States, it's been cocked up.
MOZ: Lovely boy that Jesse, I'm sure it wasn't his fault. What did you say he does in the band?
BOZ: Guitarist.
MOZ: I thought you played the guitar?
BOZ: I do, there's two of us.
MOZ: Yes, I've always wondered about that, why AM I paying for two guitarists? Seems an absolute waste of my money. Anyway, we'll just have to play without him.
BOZ: We can't.
MOZ: Of course we can, The Jam only had one guitarist, even that other useless lot The Police only had one, you'll just have to do it yourself Boz you lazy lump.
BOZ: Does it mean I'll get paid double?
MOZ: DOUBLE? Are you mad? Do you intend to play DOUBLE the number of notes? No. In fact, Boz, aren't you supposed to be my 'Musical Director?'
BOZ: Yes boss.
MOZ: Then it's your fault that Tobias isn't here! I'm in charge of the singer's, you're responsible for the musicians. Are all the singer's here and ready to perform? Yes! Are all the musicians here and ready to perform? No! Boz, I'm fining you two weeks wages and Chicago's OFF. And what's more, any expenses that come about from cancelling this concert Boz are also coming straight out of your pay packet! Double indeed? Oh and Martin, you can forget about a Christmas bonus this year. Do you realise how much public pressure is on me to reform The Smiths? I stick my bloody neck out for you Boz. Johnny's begging to come back but you know my code don't you Boz? Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty. And while we're having this little chat Boz, what is it with that snivelling mate of yours Stewart bloody Goddard? I hear he's been calling me names on stage. Make sure it doesn't happen again, do you understand? Two or three number ones doesn't give him the right to bad mouth me Boz. That man should've been led to the gallows for crimes against pop with that Ant Rap song. How he EVER got Joan Sims and Diana Dors to appear in his videos god only knows but I'm telling you now Boz, there's more talent in my dog bitten finger than he's got. And now I'm tired, you've worn me Boz, but can I go and rest or pen a new masterpiece? No, I now have to draft a statement about cancelling, locate Julia to post it on her internet thingy, phone the venue, rebook the concert, work, work, work. The one good thing is I closed MY website down again yesterday. Open, close, open, close, I wish I'd never started the bloody thing, I should've just buried the hatchet with Tseng and let him carry on. The problem with me Boz, is once I get a bee in my bonnet about something I just can't let it go. Control, control, control, destroy. I don't mean to be like this Boz, it isn't FUN being me. I wish, sometimes I just wish...... oh never mind, you'd NEVER understand. Go on Boz, f*ck off back to your muso mates, the ones that have bothered coming. I'll see you in San Antonio.
(The door slams shut and The Mozziah can be heard singing)
MOZ: Ter Rubble loves me, seeks and finds me........
STOP PRESS: NEWS UPDATE. It would appear that the 'Visa' problem was apparently with Martin 'Boz' Boorer and NOT Jesse 'Pretty Boy' Tobias after all. The author of this satirical piece would like to apologise on behalf of Mr Boorer for him trying to pass the blame in the above sketch on to Mr Tobias. It would appear that without The Mozziah there to do absolutely EVERYTHING for Boz, he goes to pieces and can't even fill out a simple Visa Waiver form, which let's face it, aren't exactly hard to fill out, you just do it all online these days, 72 HOURS BEFORE YOU ARE DUE TO FLY BOZ!

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