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Thursday, 10 November 2011

Following the Mozziah Day 57 Thursday 10th November 2011

Eight weeks ago today, on Thursday 15th September, I discovered, through chance, a blogsite called I was intrigued by it as it was both satirical and very funny but it also seemed to be a genuine website set up by Morrissey, despite three denials to the contrary. The attention to detail and wit could ONLY belong to the genuine Morrissey. The folowing day I sent a text message to my closest 'Moz Mate', who for arguments sake we'll call 'Spud', mainly because he's called 'Spud', asking him if he'd discovered MorrisseysWorld? He replied to say he hadn't but would check it out that night. I myself kept checking back daily to MW and on Tuesday 27th September I started writing this blog as a way of releasing my excitement at having found a 'Secret Society'. It felt to me to have parallels with both the story of Christianity and the satirical parallel, Monty Python's Life of Brian, so I decided to name Morrissey The Mozziah and off I went 'Following The Mozziah'. I had no idea eight weeks ago, that this journey would take up ALL of my life. My blog has swung from autobiographical, to satirical and along the way I have written songs, sketches, have had 'visitations' from The Mozziah, acted as a reporter for his tweets and chat and attacked countless numbers of G*ardian journalists, none of whom I'd ever even heard of until I started reading MorrisseysWorld. I have been nasty to Mike Joyce, rude to Johnny Marr and ignored Andy Rourke. This blog, MW and twitter have taken up virtually all of my time, but I have thoroughly enjoyed it and now have over a hundred people who read my blog on a daily basis. These followers include Russell Brand & The Mozziah, which is rathe ironic as The Mozziah is now following the follower who is Following The Mozziah. Surely this is sending us in circles? I have been able to write this blog completely anonymously and although those closest to me are aware that I am spending far more time on my laptop, they don't know about this weird cyber society that I have been drawn in to. With the exception of my dog, who was mentioned at the beginning of the blog, but now seems to have taken a back seat, the only other people who could read this blog and 100% KNOW who the author is, are the three 'Moz Mates' who saw me make that ham fisted leap onto the stage at Gt Yarmouth Pier. I know that two of them will definitely not have found MW as they aren't obsessed enough fans of The Mozziah to read about him on the internet, but my mate Spud was a daily reader of So-Low and never missed ANY news about The Mozziah. I only ever see Spud when we go to Mozziah concerts, our paths never really cross otherwise, but a couple of days ago, Spud walked in to my office. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd sent him that text the day after I'd discovered MW. I knew, just knew that the reason that he was now standing in front of me was because he'd been reading EVERYTHING on MW and it had led him to MY blog, due to it being listed on the right hand side of the MW blog for the past month and in recent days, was even elevated to the top of the site. Spud had obviously read the blog and put two and two together to work out it was written by me. No other person had touched The Mozziah's left leg that night on Gt Yarmouth Pier and there in my blog was a detailed account. I waited for Spud's accusation, it didn't come, he explained he was in the area making a delivery and popped in to say hello. The conversation turned to the subject of The Mozziah virtually straight away, it's the only subject we EVER talk about. I had to ask him, 'Have you been following the new Morrissey website?' I asked, 'What that one you texted me about?' He replied, 'Yes' said I. 'Nah, I did take a look at it and it was quite funny but it said it wasn't Moz. I'm still using So-low'.........And The Mozziah wonders what he's done wrong?
  Anyway, enough about me and my potato shaped friends, what of The Mozziah? Well today would have course been Day 1 of the tour but, as I sort of reported yesterday, it would appear that Johnny Marr's replacement in the band formerly known as The Smiths, and for the last twenty four years known simply as Morrissey, not that there is ANY difference, and I'm not just saying that, there really isn't, and all those so called purists who harp on about the current Smiths, ie Morrissey not sounding as good, that's utter hogwash cos yeah, but no, but yeah, but you see Boz is just as good as Johnny but he forgot to fill out his online Visa waiver or something or nothing and the people at passport control or immigration or baggage collection or somewhere or nowhere wouldn't let him land or fly or something but no, shut up and listen for just one minute because The Mozziah sounds exactly the same whether you call it The Smiths or just Morrissey so there is no difference and anyway what difference does it make? It makes none, now Johnny's gone and you must be looking very old tonight and why exactly has The Mozziah never sung that song in the last twenty five odd years when it happens to be one of my very favourites and the one that got me into him in the first place? What was I saying again? Oh yes, it would appear that Boz (and not Jesse) had problems with immigration (wouldn't happen in UK, no immigration policy in place, he would've waltzed through, not that you can say that of course, well not in the presence of either McNich*las, Viner or Jon'z'e who will instantly label you as a racist just for mentioning the 'i' word) and therefore the Chicago concert was cancelled. I should have read the statement more thoroughly before accusing Jesse 'Pretty Boy' Tobias (not to be confused with 80's boxer Dave 'Boy' Green) instead of relying on that Uncle Skinny's tweets, how did he ever win Mastermind when he can't even decipher who the lead guitarist is, which is an interesting point actually because on the announcement on True To You, The Mozziah doesn't refer to Boz by name or in fact call him his 'Musical Director', he is referred to as 'Morrissey's lead guitarist', so he's obviously in the bad books, definitely NO Christmas bonus. So with Chicago off, The Mozziah re-opened MW and then shut it down again with yet more threats that it will close forever unless there is a 'sign' at the concerts. Since I've been following MW, it has opened and closed more times than Mary Poppins umbrella. And what exactly is the definition of 'closing' when he keeps posting things. He must be LOVING this. Before 'closing' this time, The Mozziah posted a waffly old piece which mentioned the songs; 'First of the Gang to Die', the people's champion 'Trouble Loves Me' and also 'Mama Lays Softly On The Riverbed', although he actually called it 'That' Riverbed. One can pretty much assume that this is yet another 'sign' and we will now see these songs on the set list. He also mentioned; a light, a bark, the sound of something deathly uncomfortable, Boredom is a plague and a formica table. Could this possibly mean; 'There is A Light That Never Goes Out', Barbarism Begins At Home', 'Meat Is Murder' plus two new songs, 'Boredom is A Plague' and 'The Formica Table In That Black Place Was The Biggest Mystery Of All', will also all be on the set list? Who knows? Hugh knows? Hugh nose? Huge Nose? Noel Gallagher! *I am laughing out loud at my childishness*
  The Mozziah apparently appeared in the MW chat room again yesterday and although I missed it all as I wasn't on line, Rosy Mires (not her real name, although she says it really is Rosy although I still think she's a man) was kind enough to ask The Mozziah if he liked my blog, to which he replied that he did and that the Boz sketch from yesterday reminded him of 'his pieces' on MW. Well it would Sire, I nicked it from you! Your satire is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.

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