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Thursday, 29 December 2011

Following the Mozziah Day 106 Thursday 29th December 2011

(The scene is The Mozziah's bedroom in his Mum's two up, two down. It is Christmas Eve 2011)

There is a 1960's Dansette record player (with lift up lid and four legs) in the corner of the room and the LP 'Years of Refusal' is blasting out with Morrissey dancing around the room, singing along in full voice with his special 'Quiff' hairbrush as a microphone. He is 'mock' mic-lead whipping. Laying on the bed in just a pair of Pink Panther boxer shorts is Boz Boorer, he is typing away on a lap top and not paying any attention to Morrissey.

MOZ: (singing and looking at a poster of Johnny Marr on his bedroom wall. It should be noted, the Marr poster has had a comedy moustache drawn on it. It should also be noted that the comedy moustache was drawn on by Boz some years ago.) (singing, in case you'd forgotten after all those notes about Marr) Now this might surprise you but I find I'm Ok by myself and I don't need YOU (points at poster).
(The Mozziah carries on singing and dancing and moves behind Boz so that Boz can't see him)

MOZ: (singing to Boz's back while doing a two fingered 'V' sign at him): Now this might disturb you but I find I'm ok by myself and I don't need YOU. (Smirks to himself at his childish joke, just as Boz turns around).
BOZ: What are you doing?
MOZ: Oh nothing, I tell you what Boz, this album's bloody good you know?
BOZ: Yeah, I know.
MOZ: I think it's my best yet.
BOZ: You always say that about the last one.
MOZ: Well, in recent times yes, you weren't there for Kill Uncle though were you? In fact, let's do a top ten of my proudest achievements. Stop what you're doing and write these down.
BOZ: I thought you wanted these Parody Tour Journals ready for tomorrow? I haven't finished typing them up yet, and what does this say? (Boz passes Moz his diary back)
MOZ: Villareal, he was the barber who wanted to sell my hair, remember? Hold on, that was about day two of the tour, how much have you actually typed up?
BOZ: It's your writing Moz, I can't make out was it says half the time, I wish you'd stick to the non joined up stuff.
MOZ: Christ, well we aren't going to get the journals written up in time for tomorrow then are we, you're  gonna have to work through the night.
BOZ: But it's Christmas day in a minute.
MOZ: I'm sure Santa won't forget you, what have you asked for this year?
BOZ: A guitar.
MOZ: What a surprise, what is it with you guitarists and guitars, surely you only need one? It's ridiculous.
BOZ: So what do you want me to do now then, the journals or your top ten list?
MOZ: Neither, I've got another idea, let's hack Bieber's twitter account.
BOZ: I can't keep up Moz, you flit from one thing to another.
MOZ: That's because I'm a genius Boz, I have an active genius's mind, it can't keep still.
BOZ: And this active, genius's mind wants to hack Justin Bieber's twitter account does it?
MOZ: You're right, too obvious, let's hack Hannah Montana's.
BOZ: I think you'll find her real name is Miley Cyrus.
MOZ: No, that's somebody different.
BOZ: They're the same person.
MOZ: Really? I never knew that, it's not just me with all these multi personalities on twitter then?
BOZ: No, no, no, I mean they are the same person in real life.
MOZ: Multi personalities in real life? Fucking hell, I love it, how does she do that? Bloody genius.
BOZ: *tuts* Come on then, can we hurry up with this so that I can get on with the journals, top ten and anything else you may want me to do?
MOZ: I don't like your tone tonight Boz, don't ever start thinking this is an even relationship, I know I've allowed you to hang off my coat tails for twenty odd years but it's NOT a friendship Martin, I pay your wages, don't forget that Martin, I pay your wages! Friends don't take money. (As these last words pass his lips, Morrissey suddenly pauses and smirks to himself) Having said all that Mart, er, I mean Boz, I do get quite lonely sometimes, it's not easy being me, I really wish I had a friend. I see all the rest of you hanging with your mates and I get really jealous. I know sometimes you invite me out when you go to bars and that, but I know you only ask because you feel you should.
BOZ: That's not true Moz, we all love your company, you're the funniest man we know.
MOZ: Do you see me as a friend then Boz?
BOZ: Yes, God, of course I do, I've always wanted to get close enough to you to be your friend, I don't want you to just see me as your musical director, I want to tell people that we're real friends.
MOZ: Okay Boz, I'm going to make you my official friend, it will mean of course that I can't pay you anymore, that would be vulgar and crass and you just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. (Boz looks slightly perplexed, but smiles). Right, let's get on with this twitter thing and then you can get on with the journals and the top ten while I go down and keep mum company.
BOZ: And just how do you plan to hack into Miley Cyrus's twitter account anyway?
MOZ: Us genius's think differently to everybody else Boz. It's obvious to me what her password will be, it will be the least likely password you would ever expect, thus making it the most obvious, type in HannahMontana.
BOZ: You must be joking, not a chance. (Boz types in HannahMontana) Fucking hell, I'm in, you're a bleeding genius.
MOZ: Tell me something I don't know Martin, tell me something I don't know.
BOZ: Now what?
MOZ: Let's change her bio to some of my lyrics, like all my other disciples do on twitter. Type 'I am human and I need to be loved'. It's genius on many levels because she's not human is she? she's the pretend one.
BOZ: No, that's Hannah Montana, Miley's the real one.
MOZ: (Makes a 'W' shape with his two thumbs and index fingers, his right index finger incidentally is dressed in pink finger lingerie) Whatever!
BOZ: Do we have to use lyrics by 'THAT' band? Can't we use lyrics from one our OUR songs? How about Come Back To Camden? We could put, 'Then you lounged with knees up and apart'.
MOZ: Firstly, the band are called The Smiths, Boz, The Smiths! You don't need to be scared to say the name anymore, it's over, I've moved on, so if it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you. Secondly Boz, it is NOT 'OUR' song, it is 'MY' song, the only reason I gave you royalty credits was because you came up with the idea of using a piano, I don't think you even played on it, and thirdly, how can we write about Hannah Montana's knees parting? She's got an image to protect. Sometimes you just don't think do you? I'm getting bored now, I'm going down to watch Corrie with mum. Get on and change Cyrus's bio, then send a tweet saying it's her favourite song; make sure you mention it's by The Smiths, don't put my name though, then when you've done that, write up my ten proudest achievements and put it on True To You, the access password is in my bedside drawer and when you've done that, get those bloody journals done - you've got until Thursday.
MUM: (Shouting from downstairs) Steven, are you coming down to sit with me? And can you tell Martin his skirt and blouse are dry and I've ironed them for him.


  1. haha i hadn't read that before classic piece of writing x


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