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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Following the Mozziah Day 108 Saturday 31st December 2011

So many people feel the need to do reviews on the last day of the year, it is such a cliche. Well grab the phone and get dialing because here's mine. The problem is, I can't remember a thing that happened before September, I vaguely remember enjoying a fantastic cricket season but Simon Hughes's half read autobiography next to my bed bears reference to the fact that I have done nothing else with my life since mid September, other than devote it totally to The Mozziah and his World. I suppose most people will remember 2011 for the continued worldwide recession and in the UK, the riots. And where was I as London burned? In London of course, but not on the streets trying to reason with the feral youth of today that such anarchy is not the way ahead, oh no, I was in the finest theatre in the world, The Palladium, observing David Walliams in the Royal box, Chrissie Hynde slouching in the opposite box, and in between the pair of them, on a stage fit for a, eh, Mozziah, was, The Mozziah, beckoning us all to 'Come Back To Camden' and informing us that 'Everyday Is Like Sunday'. Before I continue with my review of 2011, I have decided to list my Top 10 'Proudest(?)' Concerts, with the highlight in brackets:
1. The Mozziah - London Palladium - Aug 8th 2011 (Come Back To Camden)
2. The Mozziah - Gt Yarmouth Pier - May 15th 2009 (Leg Touch & How Soon Is Now)
3. The Mozziah - London Roundhouse - Jan 23rd 2008 (Death Of A Disco Dancer)
4. The Mozziah - Portsmouth Guildhall - May 19th 2006 (Trouble Loves Me)
5. The Mozziah - London Earls Court - Dec 18th 2004 (November Spawned A Monster)
6. The Mozziah - London Albert Hall - Sept 18th 2002 (Everyday Is Like Sunday)
7. The Mozziah - London Forum - Nov 14th 1999 (Trouble Loves Me)
8. The Mozziah - Portsmouth Guildhall - Feb 13th 1995 (National Front Disco)
9. The Mozziah - London Alexandra Palace - Dec 19th 1992 (I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday & Fairytale Of New York)
10. The Smiths - Portsmouth Guildhall - March 3rd 1985 (Reel Around The Fountain)

 So, putting aside the first irrelevant months of the year, let me concentrate on the last three months, in which I have sort of made friends with The Mozziah himself, struck up a bizarre relationship with Rustle Brand and stumbled across two dozen wonderful Mozziah worshippers in a make belief land called Twitterdilly. *Pinches himself* 'Ouch'. These people(?) feel like true and proper friends and I do believe I will probably meet many of them in the not too distant future, although maybe it isn't necessary to actually meet, maybe this is enough, the beauty with Twitterdilly is that there is absolutely no prejudices of any kind. Things such as money, possessions, race, sex, age, are all totally and utterly irrelevant and a physical meeting could spoil the image, in the same way that a film never lives up to a book. Twitterdilly is my book, I pick it up, put it down and paint pictures of the people, I have images of every single one of the Twitterdillians and I don't want those images shattered, yes, perhaps Twitterdilly is all we need, we'll see, it needs more thought. Having said that, I would like to meet Rusty Buck, despite his fame, I don't know an awful lot about him, he is just another Twitterdillian but I felt a connection. He, like me, says and does whatever comes into his head, regardless of the consequences, and embarrassment is not a word in our vocabularies. I haven't yet read his Bookety Wooketys, so I don't know any more, other than he loves The Mozziah, and that is a great basis for a friendship. I did take a quick look at the email exchanges with The Mozziah in Bookety 2 and also noticed a section about him bedding Kate Moss. I've met Kate, she's lovely, but our relationship didn't go as far as Rustle's, in fact I just shared some pleasantries with both her and Pete Doherty, who I also found to be a really lovely guy. I have a nice photo of the three of us. I also glanced at the bit in Rustle's book about him, Walliams, Ross and Baddiel at the Roundhouse when The Mozziah was taken ill, thank God I'd been at the performance two nights before. I have also met Baddiel, at the Sony Radio awards a number of years ago when I picked up a Gold Sony award. Oh, have I not mentioned the Gold Sony award before? it must have slipped my mind. I can't take full credit for it, in fact there were five of us responsible for that award, but we laughed and laughed at the stuff we got up to on air, my personal highlight being a trip down our local high street in the Bat Mobile with me dressed as Robin, shouting to the shoppers, 'I'm Robin, I'm wearing tights and I'm gay', all live on air! Happy days, but as that didn't happen this year and I am supposed to be reviewing 2011, it is irrelevant. I told you I was similar to Rustle, now where was I? Oh yes, Rustle. Just sharing silly tweets with him in Twitterdilly has been an absolute pleasure but I would like to meet him, or more to the point, I'd like to write with him but I'm not deluded and anyway, he's got a lot on his plate at present, I have just read this morning that he is filing for divorce, which is really sad, but did she know that 'Stretch Out And Wait' is his favourite Smiths song and does she know his favourite line from 'Trouble Loves Me'? Actually, that's a bit unfair, my wife wouldn't have a clue about my favourite Smiths song or my favourite line from 'Trouble', sorry, have I never mentioned my wife?, lovely girl but unfortunately an 'Un believer'. I've tried, God how I've tried, but if it isn't there, it isn't there. She liked the John Lewis ad though so maybe I'm breaking through. Next question, am I ready to meet The Mozziah? No. I thought I was and I know I wouldn't lick his face now or say something stupid but I'd like our first meeting to be fuelled with desire, where we just look in to each other's eyes, rip each other's clothes off and have full blown, gay sex. There are two draw backs to this, well three if you bring my wife into the equation; 1) I have never had gay sex and wouldn't have a clue what I was doing and 2) the likely hood is, that our first meeting would be in a public place, so although the laws on homosexuality have been greatly relaxed since Wilde's time, I fear our act of Gross Public Indecency would result in us being carted off to gaol, which I suppose would allow us to continue our gay sex at Her Majesty's Pleasure but it isn't exactly romantic. When I say Her Majesty's pleasure, I am referring to The Queen, not the Mozziah, although what pleasure The Queen could possibly get from watching two middle aged men having gay sex in one of her draughty old houses, I really don't know, having said that, she's probably witnessed Prince, it's not worth going there, he'll probably be King one day and have me tracked down and hung from Tower Bridge for treason. Anyway, knowing my luck I wouldn't get to share a cell with The Mozziah anyway, I'd probably get some evil rapist from Tooting, and before you start stereotyping my rapist, he isn't black, he's white, and no he's not covered in tattoos, but yes he did work for Unigate for twenty three years and yes he has got gelled back hair. His name is Kevin and he's been treating me well since I arrived here. Christ, how does this happen in my head? This was supposed to be a straight forward review of the year and it's turned into some bizarre love triangle between me, The Mozziah, my own personal rapist called Kevin and Prince Charles. I think I'd better produce my Top 10 songs of the year, I have decided the best way to do this is to see what songs have been played the most on my ipod.
My Top 10 Most Played Songs, and therefore My Favourites of 2011:

1. Trouble Loves Me - Morrissey
2. Come Back To Camden - Morrissey
3. Teenage Dad On His Estate - Morrissey
4. Death Of A Disco Dancer - Morrissey & The Smiths (3 different versions)
5. Life Is A Pigsty - Morrissey
6. I'm OK By Myself - Morrissey
7. Everyday Is Like Sunday - Morrissey
8. November Spawned A Monster - Morrissey
9. Friday Mourning - Morrissey
10. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me - The Smiths
As this list is a bit one sided, I have produced a separate Top 10 of Non Mozziah songs.
MY Top 10 Songs Not By The Mozziah 2011:

1. To Sir, With Love - Lulu
2. Identity - X-Ray Spex
3. When You're Young - The Jam
4. I Love How You Love Me - The Paris Sisters
5. That's Life - Frank Sinatra
6. Nothing Rhymed - Gilbert O'Sullivan
7. Is That All There Is - Peggy Lee
8. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
9. King Creole - Elvis Presley
10. Night Boat To Cairo - Madness
None of them were actually released in 2011, I couldn't think of any song released in 2011 that I really, really liked. My favourite new, unreleased song of 2011 is 'People Are The Same Everywhere' by Morrissey.

I won't bother reviewing the rest of the year, if you are remotely interested, go back and read the whole of my blog, some of it is slightly funny, some is tragic, but most of it is utter bewilderment. I still can't believe I visit Twitterdilly every day, but I'm glad I do, it has been an unbelievable last three months, three months in which I have; read Oscar Wilde for the first time in my life, and loved it, tried to fathom out what MorrisseysWorld is all about, and failed miserably, met (sort of) some lovely people and finally, yesterday, from nowhere, I was directed to something by a Twitterdillian who I have only ever mentioned once before in my blog, to read Dante's 'La Vita Nuova'. I would never in a million years have read such a thing as this if I hadn't stumbled through the wardrobe doors into Twitterdilly, and it is beautiful, beautiful and tragic. As I read it I couldn't stop thinking of 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' and last night as I lay in bed, it also made me think of 'Dear God Please Help Me'. Anybody who enjoys the words of The Mozziah will love 'La Vita Nuova', he is OUR Beatrice, and I have adapted a poem from it about The Mozziah. It's all very well him saying, 'the words you use should be your own', but he borrows and so have I:

In his eyes, my Mozziah bears love
by which he makes noble what he gazes on:
where he passes, all men turn their look on him,
and he makes the heart tremble in those he greets,
so that, all pale, they lower their eyes,
and sigh, then, over all their failings:
anger and pride fleeing before him.
Help me, ladies, to do him honour
All sweetness, all humble thought
are born in the heart of those who hear him sing,
and he who first saw him is blessed.
How he looks when he smiles a little,
can not be spoken of or held in mind,
he is so rare and gentle.
(Adapted from 'In her eyes, my lady bears Love' from La Vita Nuova by Dante)

Happy New Year, hold tight, it might get bumpy, and remember, Trouble Loves Me.


  1. And in the darkened underpass
    I thought: Oh god, my chance has come at last
    (and then Morrissey gripped my rat
    desiring ass)
    Take me here tonight
    Oh take me clumsily, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care

  2. "Ella si va sentendosi laudare
    semplicemente d'umiltà vestuta
    e l'occhi non l'ardiscon de guardare" Buon anno Rat, maybe a new year with a little bit of Dolce Stil Novo? Hoping...Romina.

  3. Seminal artiste Morr-ee-say, musical director Boz Boorer, former novelist Mikey Bracewell, unpublished poet Broken, and Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross (low brow TV bods) sit around an extender table in Morrissey's house. The iconic star is flanked on either side by Mikey and Broken. Boz is sitting opposite, between Russell and Wossy. Boz is drinking from a pint glass. Morrissey cradles a G&T. Broken guards a glass of red wine. Russell has 'purified meditation water' in jug, and Jonathan a half of cider. Mikey Bracewell has a pot of tea served in fine bone china.

    Mikey Bracewell extends his pinkie and sips thoughtfully.

    "I do wish you wouldn't do that b*****d thing with your little finger, Mikey. It makes one feel one is in the presence of royalty; such arrogant people; one doesn't wish to be reminded..."

    With that Morrissey downs his G&T in one gulp. "More please. Chop! Chop!" He cracks his hands together sharply. In trots Solomon Walker. Solomon is wearing a waiter's uniform over his torso, and a light blue mini skirt underneath. He pours three or four measures of gin into the artiste's glass.

    The artiste rolls his eyes and sighs, puffing out his cheeks. "I did stipulate the mini-skirt should have a pink hem," he mutters, swooshing up the skirt with his fingers nonchalently. Then he gazes intently at the gin as it sloshes into his glass.

    "Come now, Matthew. I'm not signed to Sanctuary records anymore you know, old son. Fill her up."

    "I think that's Solomon, Morr-ee-say," says Mikey with a flick of the forehead.

    "Solomon who?"

    "Solomon Walker... you know... Matthew's brother."

    Broken rolls his eyes and looks away.

    "But I stipulated Matthew Walker should serve drinks tonight," says Morrissey, licking his lips. "In a blue mini-skirt ... with a pink hem."

    "Permission to speak, sir," mutters Solomon, his lips taped up.

    "Absolutely not," cries Morrissey.

    "If you want a job doing these days..." mutters the artiste under his breath. "Since I stipulated it should be Matthew, I'll call you Matthew henceforth."

    "How ironic," Broken says in his melodic voice, fiddling with the wine glass.

    "Ironic?" asks Morrissey quizzically.

    "Yes. Normally you get their names wrong by accident. Now finally you know his name, you've decided to get it wrong intentionally."

    Wossy sniggers.

  4. "Is something funny, Jonathan?" Asks Morrissey, his eyes wide and steely.

    "I was just laughing at the irony, Mozzer! I don't think Broken realises you intended it that way!"

    "I'm just surprised you have a sense of irony, being on ITV..."

    "Hahaha, oh... hahaha... hohoho... oh... hahaha," laughs Boz Boorer, slapping his thigh. "Very droll, sir."

    "What was droll, Boz?" asks Morrisey.

    "The comment you just made, Moz - it was ironic. Very ironic. Very, very..."

    "What comment, Boz?"

    "That... comment... sire. The comment you just made."

    "...And what was that Boz?" Asks Morrissey, motioning for Solomon to add the tonic water.

    Boz Boorer looks red. He fiddles with his top button. Then he sinks into his chair.

    "I've forgotten, sir."

    "But... you didn't ever really know, did you, Boz?"

    Boz Boorer shakes his head. "Stop!" screams Morrissey. "That's QUITE enough tonic water, old son. I don't want a b******d hangover."

    A few minutes pass silently as the men drink their drinks.

  5. "Did you see Justin Bieber's deposition, Mozzer? I must say he resembled you, Morrissey; what with his quiff and archly dismissive demeanour towards SCRIBES and-"

    "-Must you ALWAYS use twenty words when five will suffice, Russell?"

    "I'm sorry Mozzer, Lord of adolescent despair, and Duke of postmodern poetry, and..."

    The artiste rolls his eyes and sticks a theatrical tongue into a tightly-packed cheek (facial).

    "Yes," says Morrissey sternly. "I did see it. Broken and I watched it on YouTube on Sunday."

    "It was like watching Lil Wayne's deposition, if Lil Wayne had visited Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon," utters Broken. "Rather pathetic... a child throwing his toys out of the pram... a spoilt white boy pretending he was raised in the Atlanta ghetto."

    "I haven't seen it, Broken," adds Wossy with mock-interest.

    "Too busy eating I expect, Jonathan," says Morrissey.

    Boz Boorer laughs. Russell Brand sticks his little finger against his lips and grins.

    "The most hilarious moment by far was when Justin was asked whether Usher was instrumental to his career,2\ says Broken, showing rare enthusiasm. "Justin stormed out once again. When he returned, he spoke in a low, serious voice, as if delivering words of poetry. He stated: 'I was down on YouTube... and I was detrimental to my own career.'"

    "I didn't know he was insane," says Boz Boorer, picking up his pint.

    "Insane, Boz?" Mikey Bracewell asks.

    "He said he was detrimental Mikey. And I believe him. It's sad really. When I think back to the nice kid who sang his heart out in 'Never Say Never.' It brings a tear to me eye, and that of Mrs Boorer too, actually..."

    Morrissey shakes his head, smiles and downs the remaining gin.

  6. "I did read your review on IMDB, Boz! Very well-written. Very dry!" shrieks Russell.

    "Lyn helped me," says Boz with a dejected look in his eyes. "That poor kid... we were both moved by his plight."

    "His plight of having to overcome the odds of being loved by every teenage girl in the West, and finally having to cancel a couple of multi-million dollar concerts because he had a sore throat?" Broken asks. "And they say Romeo and Juliet had it hard."

    "Poor kid," murmurs Boz.

    "Fat c***," murmurs Broken softly.

    Boz Boorer looks up and his jaw drops. His face reddens. He casts a judgemental look towards Broken.

    "Boz isn't fat, Broken - he's just big boned," says Wossy.

    Boz Boorer nods. Noticing this, Morrissey motions to speak:

    "I beg to differ, Jonathan. Boz Boorer is a fat c*** and will need to lose some weight if he wants to camp it up on a certain seminal artiste's US tour."

    "Have you seen this on FollowingTheMozziah, Mozzer?" asks Russell with his iPhone pointed towards the iconic star.

    "I'm afraid Morr-ee-say's stopped reading that blog, Russell; it's not nearly fawning enough," says Mikey.

    Morrissey looks away from the i-Phone, before gazing out of the corner of his right eye.


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