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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Following The Mozziah Day 91 Wednesday 14th December 2011

I am back in Blighty and back in Twitterdilly, but enough about me, there are two concerts to catch up on and even more stuff in between. First things first, two days ago, after an extensive search of the tour bus, The Mozziah found the spangly jumper, the dog lead and the belt, all hidden under Boz's mattress. Boz however, wasn't prepared to give them up without a fight, particularly the dog lead piece of string which he'd been jealously eyeing from stage right for weeks, and in the ensuing struggle, Boz ended up laying on The Mozziah and getting him in a half nelson. Ken Walton asked The Mozziah if he wanted to submit....hold on, just got to google to see if Ken Walton is still alive.....nope, died in 2003, oh well, the spirit of Ken Walton asked The Mozziah if he wanted to submit, but instead, The Mozziah tried to gouge Boz's eye. Boz's natural reaction was to defend himself, so he bit down sharply on a finger of The Mozziah's left hand. Incidently, it now transpires that Matt Walker's recent eye injury wasn't in fact inflicted by Mike Joyce with a dart but was caused by The Mozziah gouging him during a wrestling session. Wrestling seems to have become The Mozziah's latest fad after he stumbled on some old Mick McManus vs Catweazle footage on Youtube, but it is now starting to cause problems on the tour bus because The Mozziah just wants to fight all the time, but he fights dirty and he's getting a reputation as a gouger. Anyway, just after Boz bit the finger, there was an awkward silence. The Mozziah had tears in his eyes, but DIDN'T cry. He compossed himself, took hold of his stolen possessions and started to walk back to his cabin. He turned to the whole band and said, 'There will be consequences for Boz's actions, I will let you know what they are tomorrow.' So that evening, for the first of the two concerts in Guadalajara, The Mozziah took to the stage wearing not one, but two pieces of finger lingerie from the forthcoming 'MILF' range, MILF obviously standing for Mozziah's International Lingerie for Fingers, and DEFINITELY nothing to do with 'Mozziah's I'd Like to....' well you get the gist, but it's not that anyway so move on. The two pieces of lingerie were blue, and as The Mozziah entered the stage, he can clearly be seen on Youtube talking to the poorly finger on his right hand. I can only presume that The Mozziah is reassuring 'righty' that he is still the Number 1 poorly finger. The spangly jumper was back on and the dog lead piece of string returned to it's rightful place, loosely hanging around the midriff. The band are all wearing matching T Shirts but I can't make out what they had on them from the various pieces of Youtube footage I've seen, the one thing I definitely CAN make out though, is a very annoying Wayne Rooney jumping up and down the whole night. He is right at the very  front of the stage (obviously pulled a favour from The Mozziah) and is wearing his Manchester Utd shirt with 'Rooney 8' on the back, how embarrassing and unsubtle, he obviously wanted all the Mexicans to know exactly who he was. The Mozziah manages to ignore the excitable Wayne for most of the show but eventually shook his hand near the end. Also near the end The Mozziah was handed a bunch of flowers, which weren't roses, which he sniffed and then launched back into the crowd. The shirt was once again ripped off during 'Let Me Kiss You' and The Mozziah returned in a rather fetching 'White' number. I have to say, I think the lighter coloured shirts, like white and pink, suit him better than the darker ones, I wonder if he has a stylist or advisor? One doubts it, I wonder if he actually ever takes anybody's advice about anything ever? One presumes not. So that was pretty much a summary of the first night at Guadalajara, presumably Wayne Rooney flew straight home and will no doubt be ripping his shirt off this weekend and throwing it to the crowd to reveal that bizzare chest hair of his that grows right up his neck and onto his face, shame it didn't continue onto his head, it would've saved him thirty grand. So onto night two and 'The Revenge'.
(The scene is The Mozziah's private cabin on the tour bus, it is one hour before the concert starts. The five band members are gathered outside the cabin. Boz knocks the door. Inside The Mozziah is sitting on a throne with his 'M' crest engraved on it.)
MOZ: (Quietly to himself) One, two, three, four, who's that knocking at my door? Five, six, seven, eight, Boz the bastard make him wait. Nine, ten, (shouts) COME IN.
(The band members enter the cabin which is spacious and takes up three quarters of the whole bus. It should be noted that the band, some crew and a couple of other hangers on, all share the other quarter of the bus. The Mozziah's cabin has a large bed, a sofa, desk, throne and various pictures on the wall, mostly of The Mozziah but also Jobriath, Pat Pheonix and Rin Tin Tin.)
MOZ: Now, you all know why you're here don't you?
BAND: Yes Boss
GUSTAVO: Actually Mr Moz Boz, I don't know why I'm here, I've not done anything wrong, I keep myself to myself.
MOZ: That may be Gustavo my son but you 'Musos' (makes inverted coma sign with his two index fingers, one of which is the famous 'poorly' right finger, which he momentarily glances at, it is dressed in pink attire, matched by the now sore forth finger of the left hand) are in this together. I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow tomfoolery on this tour, especially at MY expense, I have therefore decided to dock you all the maximum two weeks wages allowed by the football association and you now have a choice of punishment, tonight you must all play dressed as women.
(moans and gasps come from the band, except Boz who doesn't look concerned)
MOZ: OR, you can play naked.
BOZ: No way, no way am I going out there naked.
MOZ: Don't be silly Boz, I may be a bastard but I'm not THAT nasty, besides, I don't want to be glancing to my right seeing you as Mother Nature probably never intended, no Boz, you will continue to be my little' Lady Boz', and don't pretend you don't mind, I know you hate it and if you think you can make me stop dressing you as Tootsie by pretending to be at ease with it, it won't work, I've got your number Martin.
(The Mozziah addresses the other four band members)
MOZ: I take it you four are taking the naked option?
JESSE: I have no problem with eet Moz boss, I am at ease with my body.
MOZ: Yes, me too. Right naked it is, although we'd all be arrested if I send you lot out naked, so put these Speedos on, now off you go and remember boys, DON'T touch my stuff again, oh and Gustavo?
GUSTAVO: Yes Moz Boss?
MOZ: Don't forget to practice 'Trouble Loves Me' this week, it's your big moment with that intro, we'll be playing it Saturday.
GUSTAVO: Yes Moz Boss.
MOZ: Oh and Boz?
BOZ: Yes Sir Steven?
MOZ: (Lowers his voice so the rest of the band can't hear) What colour shirt shall I wear tonight?
BOZ: (In hushed voice) The black and grey one with the pretty white patterns that I got for you and then the black glittery number for the change.
MOZ: Thanks Boz, you know I love you don't you?
BOZ: Yes you soppy old fool, of course I do.

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