(The setting is The Twitterdillian Church of 'Our Holy Lady, although I think it's safe to say not a Virgin, Black Betty'. The church is located in a void area between the back of the wardrobe and Twitterdilly, thus allowing access for both 'real' people and 'Twitterdillians'. The congregation is made up mainly of inhabitants from the village of 'Twitterdilly', some of whom are wearing roses and some not. The rose wearers in attendance are; @heathercat222, @Edward_Curtis, @CajunCauliflowr, @Its_Only_Me_K, @girlwithout, @Alekaki_, @jo_beth_s, @cathyplus5, @aboyinthebush22, @amor_y_locura, @loughtonlil, @mmedestaelghost, @EcubyanSoapbox, @stillicling, @Hector_Lector, and @leonardnaf. The Twitterdillians present who no longer wear a rose are; @RosyMires, @Lizzycat4, @AIRRAID25, @girlonbike1102 and @mancladmozfan. There are those who have never worn a rose; @Sonyajayne7 and @Banjaxer, plus other Twitterdillian rose wearers who are trying to be present but as they are believed to be 'second accounts', they are appearing as illusions instead, they are; @UpthePier, @i2177, @caterita2008 and @GorgeousBoyGirl. Others present are those who have never embraced Twitterdilly, but seem to have had a role of sorts in the 'Following the Mozziah' story so far. They are; Michael Bracewell, Linder Sterling, A shed containing @ODyrbrm, Julia Riley, Esther Rantzen, Amanda Holden, Richard Dawkins, Abu Hamza, Adrian Childs, The Ghost of Cyril Fletcher, Boy George, Log Lady, Richard Madely, Justin Bieber, My dog, Kath Viner, Josh Halliday, Conor McNicholas, Tim Jonze, Simon N Ricketts, Justice Tugendhat, @UncleSkinny, Alan Partridge, Lonnie Gordon, Bruce Springsteen, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Sarah Brightman, Joey Barton, The Stone Roses, Ed Banger, Judge Weeks, Steve Coogan, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, David Walliams, Ricky Gervais and 'A Presence', ie The Ghost of Oscar Wilde for those who never got it. Standing outside the church, banned from coming in, is David T, cunt.
Everybody has gathered for a Carol Service to be held by the Right Reverend Ratsback, who is wearing a Blue Rose. There is fevered excitement because Boz, Jesse, Matt and Solomon are also in the congregation, while Gustavo is playing the church organ. Johnny Marr, Andy Rourke & Mike Joyce are also present, and are sitting in pews on the opposite side of the aisle from Boz & his boys).
(Gustavo is playing a melody of songs on the organ, including a number of The Smiths tunes)
JOHNNY: (To his two mates) Why's that twat playing my songs? Why doesn't he play some of his own? Oh, because he hasn't got any.
JOYCE & ROURKE: (sniggering) Nice one Johnny.
JOHNNY: Did you hear THAT? Bum note, how embarrassing, still, I don't think anyone noticed. *turns to the people sat behind him and raises his voice so that Boz & co will hear* Did you hear that bum note? How embarrassing, just goes to show, you shouldn't take on something you aren't capable of playing.
JOYCE & ROURKE: *snigger*
BOZ: (To his mates) Can you hear that twat over there, who does he think he is? Twenty years I've been playing with Moz *raises his voice* Twenty years, how long did 'she' last? Three? Four? Pathetic.
JESSE: (Standing up) *raised voice* And he no play the guitar like me.
BOZ: All right Jesse son, sit yourself back down.
(The organ stops and Rev Rat enters the pulpit)
RAT: Welcome to you one and all, please bow your heads and join with me as we say:
Our Mozzer, Art-hound from Stretford,
RAT: And let us start the service with hymn number Sixty four from your hymn books, Ding Dong Morrissey On High.
(Gustavo starts playing the tune Ding Dong Merrily on High! It should be noted that Boz & his boys sing the chorus with particular gusto.)
RAT: Welcome to you all, at this particularly wonderful time of year, although without Woolworths, it's not quite the same anymore, but let us not forget why we are here, to delight at once again hearing the story of the journey from Ireland to Stretford of those two weary travellers, Peter and Elizabeth, oh AND 'Our Jackie', and how they were followed on their journey by a star, a few shepherds and some kings, although one has to say that this is all rather far fetched, indeed, it is far more likely that they were in fact guided by the spirit of Oscar Wilde and sucked toward Manchester by the breath of Shelagh Delaney. And lest we not forget that this infant was born, not in some dreary hospital in Davyholme as some would have us believe, but in his Mother's garden shed, in which she did keep him locked for the first ten years of his life, before releasing him to the outside world, where he felt isolated and lonely. *turns to the alter with his arms spread* Our MOST holy Mozziah who has felt the pain of both life and death, of which neither one has particularly appealed to you, we worship thee. *turns back to face congregation* and so it came to pass that The Mozziah did hideth himself away in a locked room for many a year where he did read many a book and writeth many things down upon some parchment.
JOHNNY: (To his two boys) That's where I found him, I'd better get a mention.
RAT: And now I would like to invite Buck tooth, I mean, Russell Brand to give a reading.
RUSS: Thanks Rev, I like your dress, although I personally would have worn different shoes, perhaps even a boot, I can't help thinking you've understated yourself, although we wouldn't want anyone accusing you of adelphepothia on this your big day would we? Anyway, here is the reading that you kindly asked me to read, you old aeolist, it originally comes from Germany but someone clever has translated it to English, which is just as well cos otherwise I could've pronounced something wrong and sparked World War three or something, and none of you would have had a bleeding clue what I was going on about anyway.
HECTOR_LECTOR: (to girlonbike) We would.
RUSS: So here goes, it's called A SPOTLESS ROSE and it's really beautiful.
(There is a pause)
It doesn't flow too well towards the end there but it's simple and expressive. (Brand returns to his seat and as Rev Rat goes past him he passes him a fruit gum).
RAT: Will you all please now stand as we sing hymn number thirty three, 'WE THREE SMITHS'. We will just sing the first verse and a chorus.
(Gustavo starts to play the tune We Three Kings)
ALL: We three Smiths from Manchester are
One on the drums and two on guitar
We all use twitter, we're slightly bitter
Following the Mozziah
Oh Moz of Stretford got it right
Crowds still flock in every night
Rourke's a DJ, Joyce still bleating
Johnny murders There's a Light
RAT: Lettuce pray. Oh gracious Mozziah of sweet like voice, we confess our unworthiness to stand in your presence as your followers for we have sinned. You asked us to provide the fragrant rose and we have failed you.
STILLICLING & HEATHERCAT: (Whispering) We didn't. *Give each other a high five*
RAT: (Continuing) And so heavenly Mozziah, we ask for your forgiveness and beg that we be given another chance at some new concerts and we also ask for guidance on how to deliver the rose, as it would appear that security doth take it upon themselves to cleareth the stage. And let us all bow our heads and say together...
ALL: Mozziah, our not yet heavenly leader, open up thy World, so that we may once again sit at your right hand, although we will of course be wary not to damage your poorly finger, which doth look striking in the blue coloured lingerie.
RAT: Please stand for one verse of hymn number eighty five, Anti Royal Mozzer's City.
(Gustavo starts to play Once In Royal David's City)
Anti Royal Mozzer's City
In the garden stood a shed
Where a mother laid her baby
In a manger for HIS bed
Betty was that mother mild(?)
The Mozziah, her little child.
RAT: Oh not yet heavenly Mozziah, we thank you for giving us the words to help us through life and cherish that we know of the plight of Teenage dad's on their estates, so that we may pray for them and offer them our mercy, but of course not give them any actual cash as it'll go straight on meths. Mozziah we also thank thee for spreading the word of Wilde and of course for pointing out that People are the same everywhere. At this special time of year we are able to both reflect the past in various reservoirs and look forward to the future, when hopefully all will be well. Mozziah, we worship thee and those who have influenced you and it is only right that as none of the teams in the Premiership had a minute's silence for Shelagh Delaney, we will have one now.
(A minute's silence is held)
RAT: And now please stand for our final hymn, number twenty two, The Boorer and the Walkers.
(Gustavo starts to play The Holly and the Ivy.
The Boorer & The Walkers
Now they are all full grown
Of all the musos on the stage
The Boorer bears the crown
O the rising of Tobias
His strumming very dear
Gustavo plays the merry organ
Sweet singing of Mozziah.
(Suddenly the doors of the church swing open and a ray of sunlight holds the figure of a man in silhouette, it is The Mozziah. The music and singing stop).
MOZZIAH: Look at you all, you all come here in so called worship, all wanting a piece of me and yet NONE of you know me. I live for you, every one of you. *glances towards Joyce, Weeks and G*ardian lot* Well most of you, and what do I hear? *adopts a mimicking voice* I don't think much to the set list, When's he coming back to twitter? When will he play some UK dates? When are The Smiths getting back together? Why won't he come to Canada? How must he be feeling about Shelagh? When's the book coming out? Has he signed a record deal? How long can he go on for? Why the string and no belt?*readopts normal voice* I'm sick of it, sick of it. Get out the lot of you, go on GET OUT. You'll miss me when I'm gone, I keep telling you, You'll miss me when I'm gone.
(The church empties and everybody looks down at the floor as they trundle past The Mozziah, but each hand him a 'Blue Rose'. One person remains, it is the ghost of Oscar Wilde).
MOZZIAH: Now I feel bad, they actually do all love me don't they? But what is it Oscar? Why am I here? What is my purpose? I look up at the stars and I see things, what do they mean?
OSCAR: Questions, questions, questions my boy. It would appear that Trouble no longer just 'loves' you, it has moved in with you and is leaving it's dirty laundry all over your floor. I fear that you think too much.
MOZZIAH: So what should I do?
OSCAR: There is only one thing you need do for now, re-open your World for your people. Let them know you are there for them.
MOZZIAH: Thank you, you never judge me like the others, I wish I could've been there for you, I wish there were something I could do for you.
OSCAR: Well actually, now you mention it, could you just sign my copy of the Order of Service? It's not for me you understand, it's for my, eh, niece. (The Mozziah signs the order of service and the two leave the church, they pass Rev Rat outside who has been chatting to the parihioners/twitterdillians).
RAT:Merry Christmas Mozziah and thank you for being you.