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Thursday, 5 January 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 113 Thursday 5th January 2012

THERAPY

THERAPY ME(TP): Well, well, well, once again I am shocked to see you here, I thought you were no longer worrying about your Twitter addiction, so are you still worried about The Mozziah?
ME: No, no, not at all, in fact, he seems to be of stable mind and fully embracing this silly Twitterdilly Arms idea, he even stopped by last night for a 'virtual' G&T. Apart from still not having a record deal, The Mozziah seems in very good spirits and this whole internet thing seems to be mellowing him.
TP: What do you mean by that?
ME: Well, before we all had the opportunity to converse with him and play all these silly games, we lived almost in fear of him, you know how it is with idols, well whenever he came on to twitter we all became tongue/finger tied and nobody could even speak to him, let alone ask tangible or intelligent questions. We all hold him in such high regard, and are all so in awe of him, that it was difficult to comprehend treating him as an equal, but that's all changed now and we even take the piss out of him, it's hard to explain but it's great.
TP: How do you think HE feels about it?
ME: I would guess, that for probably the first time in his life, he has been able to properly interact with his fans without them either screaming like the 'Mexican Woman', totally drying up, or licking him.
TP: What is it with you and this licking thing?
ME: Oh, I don't know, me just being stupid, I wouldn't really lick him.
TP: Do you want to meet him yet?
ME: Good God no, I'm enjoying this facelessness stuff and I'm sure he is too, I imagine if twitter had been around when he was younger, things would've turned out very differently.
TP: So you've changed your view on this twitter thing then?
ME: Absolutely, I've gone from thinking, 'What the hell am I doing wasting my time on here?' to actually believing it is a place to meet genuine, like minded friends. It really is the modern day equivalent of going down the pub and in many ways it is better because there are no prejudices. Physical interaction doesn't seem that necessary to me. It does for quite a lot of the others who frequent the Twitterdilly Arms, they feel this burning need to meet up in real life, just because they get on so well in cyber space, but physical meetings can be such a let down. As I said the other day, a book is nearly always better than a film because it allows you to paint your own pictures.
TP: Well, you seem very at ease with everything and I can't help but notice, your creative juices have been flowing lately, you are obviously in a good place, so why are you here?
ME: Well you know why because you and me are the same person, but I see why you ask, it's for the benefit of our audience isn't it?
TP: It's not 'our' audience, there is only one of us, I mean me, let's not cloud the issue or try and get smart and we certainly don't want our audience thinking we're schizophrenic do we?
ME: No, you're right, we don't. It's bad enough having all those different twitter accounts, but if they think we're mad, The Mozziah's got dozens and Brand's not exactly in the Heather Mills-McCartney stable.
TP: Sorry?
ME: Only wearing one shoe.
TP: Look, there's no need for cheap jokes about the disabled is there, especially when you've actually come here to discuss a serious subject haven't you?
ME: Yes, sorry, and I should add, I wouldn't be here at all if he'd produced those tour journals as promised, but Oh no, now he's saying it'll be Friday before they're ready, it's a joke. I've had to amuse myself by making up songs about Boz Boorer, who incidentally is the one that The Mozziah is blaming for the delay with the tour journals.
TP: What song about Boz?
ME: Oh, I pasted it on MorrisseysWorld, hold on, I'll copy and paste it:


TRB said...


THE BOZ SONG *To the tune of 10cc's 'I'm Not In Love'*
I'm not in Greggs
So don't forget it
It's just a silly shop I'm going to
And just because
I eat the lot
Don't get me wrong, don't think I'm gonna pay
I'm not in Greggs, no no, it's Big Boz..

I like to see food
But then again
That doesn't mean food means that much to me
So if I call Greggs
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell The Moz about the cakes and stuff
I'm not in Greggs, no no, it's Big Boz

Be quiet, Big Boz don't cry, Big Boz don't cry, Big Boz don't cry, Big Boz don't cry, Big Boz don't cry, Big Boz don't cry.

I keep food pictures
Upon the wall
They hide a nasty grin of Johnny Marr
So don't you ask me
To give them back
I know you know that food don't mean that much to me
I'm not in Greggs, no no, it's Big Boz..

Ooh you'll wait a long time for diary
Ooh you'll wait a long time
Ooh you'll wait a long time diary
Ooh you'll wait a long time

I'm not in Greggs
So don't forget it
It's just a silly shop I'm going to
And just because
I eat the lot
Don't get me wrong, don't think I'm gonna pay
I'm not in Greggs
I'm not in Greeeeeeeeeeeeeggs



TP: That's very funny.
ME: Yes, I know, you're a very clever man.
TP: Thank you.
ME: No, thank you.
TP: Look, shall we get on with this, what was the serious subject you wanted to talk about?
ME: I want to talk about racism, particularly in the lead up to The Mozziah's High Court case.
TP: Oh yes, you mentioned this the other day. You're a racist aren't you?
ME: What?
TP: Well you aren't tolerant of every race, so you're a racist.
ME: Well, in the words of The Mozziah, I suppose the honest answer is 'possibly', and that's what I'd like to talk about.
TP: Come on then Spic boy, spit it out.
ME: Why did you just call me that?
TP: Well that's what they called you at school wasn't it? 'Spic'. In fact, as I recall, it was a lot worse than that, there was; 'Nigger', 'Coon' and my favourite, 'Guano', which was the funniest of all of them because it actually means bird shit. *laughs* Who was it who started calling you 'Guano'?
ME: Mark Laver's dad.
TP: That's right, even the adults used to racially abuse you, it was hilarious.
ME: I can't believe 'Therapy Me' is actually laughing at myself, what sort of mate are you?
TP: Well that's how you used to deal with it wasn't it, just laugh?
ME: Yeah, I suppose so and to be honest I was never really 'that' upset by it, I was popular at school and girls absolutely adored me.
TP: Of course.
ME: And so I just passed it off as banter. Let's face it, due to my swarthy good looks and mediterranean skin, I was the nearest thing to a black man in the whole school, with the exception of Keith that is.
TP: Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about him, what was it they all called him?
ME: Er, Keith. He was a right hard bastard, nobody in there right mind would have dared called him names.
TP: I'd forgotten about all the racial abuse at school, I take it back, you can't be a racist.
ME: Of course I can, just having a bit of oily skin doesn't get me off the hook, we need to investigate this a lot further, I want 'Therapy Me' to dig deep and find out what's going on in my mind, what's going on in 'Briton's Mind' and what's going on in the world.
TP: Blimey, this is getting serious, shall we take our clothes off to lighten the mood a bit? It'll be good for 'baring all' too.
ME: No, I think we'd better stay covered, children may read this one day.
TP: Is it going to be 'THAT' good then?
ME: I've no idea yet, but I intend to speak my mind and hold nothing back and this is what I was talking about the other day, when I said that The Mozziah has an opportunity to go to the High Court and make a 'Martin Luther King' style speech.
TP: Yeah, what were you on about?
ME: Well, it is a forgone conclusion that he will win the court case, I mean really it is. The judge, Justice Tugendhat has already said that, "the case was one that might be susceptible to resolution before it reaches trial", so even HE knows that The Mozziah will win. It has never been in doubt, but I see this high profile court case as a chance for the 'voice of the people', Morrissey, to speak for the people. Has any politicician ever asked me what I think about immigration? No.
TP: So what do you think about it? Actually, before you answer that, let's talk about the Germans, you've mentioned before about how you were brought up to hate them, tell me more about that.
ME: That's quite interesting actually because I had a long discussion with my mother about this, only last Sunday.
TP: I know, I was there, she can't half talk that woman. Go on.
ME: Well, I asked her why it was that I'd been brought up with a dislike for the German's and she got quite defensive.
TP: What defensive as in diving back in to her air raid shelter?
ME: Are we going to take this seriously or not?
TP: I always laugh at things, that's how we Brits cope isn't it? We're famous for our dark and warped sense of humour.
ME: You're not a Brit, you're an eighth Maltese. You're from the same immigrant stock as me.
TP: Just get on with it Mr wise guy. Are you sure we shouldn't get naked?
ME: Anyway, mum got defensive and said it wasn't the German's they all hated during the war, just the Nazi's. Well I told her that at the age of seven, she wouldn't have known the difference. We went on to have a really good conversation about it, I'd never spoken to her about it before, and it transpires that yes, during the war, when she was a young child, they obviously disliked the German's because they were at war. I asked her if she still disliked them and she was quite horrified that I should even ask. She's an intelligent woman my mother and she explained that she, and most others of her age, had quickly worked out after the war, that there was a huge difference between German civillians and Nazi's, but she did say that she found it hard to forgive the German people for allowing Hitler to do what he did. I said to her that I'm sure the Iraqi's feel the same way about us allowing Tony Blair to get away with his war crimes.
TP: That's interesting, do you think Blair should be tried for war crimes?
ME: Absolutely I do, and so does my mum.
TP: So, we've ascertained that you were influenced by previous generations towards the Germans, how do you feel about them now?
ME: What a stupid question.
TP: 'Almost too silly to discuss'?
ME: Oh very clever, a Morrissey quote. Yes, almost too silly to discuss but as you've asked, I don't see the German race as any different to me in any way, shape or form. I'm embarrassed that I was brought up with a dislike for them, but I can't change that and I fully understand why it happened, my parent's generation fought against them, and I can't be naive enough to think that on May 8th 1945, they all shook hands, swapped shirts and went for a pint, but we are light years on from that now.
TP: Are we? I think you'll find a lot of Brits still have a dislike for the Germans, how can you explain that?
ME: A poor education. Unfortunately not everybody has the intellectual capacity to get their heads around such things, which is why we still have some of the older generation not only disliking German's, but also disliking, or more to the point, fearing, all other immigrants and races. They weren't brought up in a society where black people walked down the street next to Indians, Poles, Jews etc.
TP: Well that's not entirely true, but you're talking about areas like you live in?
ME: Yes. I live in an area that is still ninety seven percent white and if there was a sudden influx of different nationalities, the locals would shit themselves. It isn't just the old people though, it's all age groups, they wouldn't understand.
TP: Ah, so Morrissey doesn't understand?
ME: Oh, you old devil's advocate you, Morrissey understands more than most, hence the reason he is able to write songs like 'National Front Disco', which sees Britain from the viewpoint of a scared and easily influenced young white male and he can also write songs like 'Bengali In Platforms', which sees Britain from the viewpoint of an Asian immigrant desperate to be accepted into the British culture and it's way of life.
TP: Well Morrissey clearly isn't racist, so how has this court case even arisen?
ME: Ignorance. Mainly ignorance from the likes of the NME and also newspapers like The Guardian, who look at the titles of songs like these without actually listening to the words but there is also the question of the comments Morrissey makes to the press, and this is the crux of why I am here having this session. I feel there is a huge confusion as to what we want. When I say we, I am initially talking of the British public, but this also effects every other country around the world. The identities of our countries are changing. When The Mozziah talked about walking through Knightsbridge on any bland day of the week and not hearing an English accent, this is true. It is now a fact that in many areas like Knightsbridge, English is not the native tongue of the majority. What now needs to be decided by 'the people', is whether or not this is a good thing, or a bad. Morrissey has been condemned for daring to brooch the subject, but what The Guardian and many others fail to grasp, is that he was just saying what we are all thinking.
TP: So what's your view?
ME: I personally do not want to see England losing it's identity, in the same way that I don't want to see other countries lose theirs. For example, I hate seeing Spain full of Brits living there, who are all failing to embrace the culture and are just mixing with other Brits. If I go to Spain, I want to see the Spanish way of life and when visitors come to England, they want to see a traditional England, not a country with no identity.
TP: How can you say that when you are effectively an immigrant?
ME: Because my family embraced the English way of life, in the same way that the West Indians did when they came here and like the Irish did and even old Justice Tugendhat's lot who came from Austria. We, and all our recent ancestors, have done everything we can to become English, but there are an awful lot of people now living in England who have no intention of embracing the English way of life and just like the English in Spain, have made no attempt to fit in or even learn the language.
TP: So how do you feel about these inner city schools where there are all these different native languages and English is a minority?
ME: I think it's wrong.
TP: And you think you represent the majority view of English people do you?
ME: Yes, yes I do, but I think that perhaps we should have a referendum on it.
TP: Why?
ME: Because I may be wrong. It may be that the majority of people want to embrace the lyrics to John Lennon's 'Imagine' and want to live as 'one', not just in Britain, but throughout the whole world, with just one language, no religion and no discrimination. Everybody equal, regardless of colour or nationality. Burn down the borders.
TP: That sounds superb, why don't you want that? That sounds like Utopia.
ME: Because it's unrealistic. Ever since the advent of mankind, there have been separate communities, separate religions, separate cultures, separate countries. The reason we play international sport against each other is because we are all proud of our identities.
ME: But you've told me before that you would love to go and live in a hot country, you say why should you be defined by your place of birth? If you went to live in Spain, would you learn Spanish? I don't think so, you'd be as bad as the rest. In the same way that you've despised people sticking to religions, just because they were born into them, you have told me before that you hate the fact that you should have to live under the slate grey skies of England just because you happened to be here when you entered this world. You're contradicting yourself, you don't know what you're on about.
ME: And that's half the problem, nobody can get their heads around what is happening to the world. It was never an issue seventy years ago, nobody had the means to move from one country to another, but now people have choices. Should the world become one big melting pot or should identities be kept, what a question, but it is a question The Mozziah has the opportunity to put to the ears of Britain.
TP: Aah, we're getting somewhere at last are we?
ME: I believe The Mozziah is as confused as the rest of us, as to where we are going with identities and I feel that when he is standing in the high court, he has the opportunity to voice the concerns of a confused nation, who are being given no direction and no voice. We have to decide, as a nation, what we want. It may be too late. The inner city schools that are now teaching English as a second language could now be the norm, but if we accept such things without asking the people, then it is no different to accepting the feral youth rampaging our streets and looting our businesses and homes.
TP: So you want to move on to the chavs now do you?
ME: No, I'm tired and what's the point anyway? The politicians don't listen and why should I believe they would do anything anyway? There is no difference between any of the main political parties, they're all the same.
TP: So, we'll leave it that for today then, you'd like The Mozziah to go to the High Court and let the powers that be know that we are all confused? What about his comment about the Chinese being a sub species?
ME: HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
TP: *laughing*
ME: Yes, yes, I know, I bit. As well you know, it was taken out of context and he said, "You can't help but feel the Chinese are a subspecies" in response to a film showing Chinese people skinning alive cats and dogs. What you have to ask yourself is this, how would the British public react to seeing domestic animals skinned alive, bearing in mind the reaction to the woman who threw a cat into a wheelie bin?
TP: They'd be horrified, up in arms, it wouldn't be accepted.
ME: And yet it is accepted in China. It makes you feel.....
TP: Bull fighting is accepted in Spain.
ME: Well actually the attitude there is changing rapidly, in the same way that the Spanish now only have   sixteen percent of their population going to a weekly Catholic mass. The Spanish people are waking up to what is real and what is not, what is acceptable and what is not, but the Chinese have eaten cats and dogs for thousands of years and it is going to take a lot longer to re-educate them.
TP: You can't say that, you can't say 'them', that's racist.
ME: For Christ's sake, don't you start. I'm going down the Twitterdilly Arms for a Baileys, fancy one?
TP: We'd better get a double, we can share it.

1 comment:

  1. The Twitterdilly Arms:
    Playlist - 05 January 2012

    Rita Pavone: Heart
    The Smiths: Frankly, Mr. Shankly (Demo)
    The Smiths: A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours
    Adam Faith: What Do You Want
    Pier Paolo Pasolini
    The Smiths: Rusholme Ruffians (Peel Sessions)
    Doris Day: When You're Smiling
    The Mamas & The Papas: Monday Monday
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    Rita Pavone: Just Once More (Shindig! 1965
    Rita Pavone: Amore twist
    Morrissey: Let Me Kiss You (Live 2004)
    The Hollies: Here I Go Again ('Swinging UK', 1964)
    The Alan Parsons Project: The Turn Of A Friendly Card (part 2)
    Doris Day: Too Marvelous for Words
    Doris Day: Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be)
    The Smiths: How Soon Is Now (Rare Live version 1986)
    10 CC: I'm Not In Love
    Doris Day: Make Someone Happy
    SPELK
    Slim Dusty: A Pub With No Beer
    Morrissey: I Am Hated For Loving (Chile 2000)
    Morrissey: Christian Dior
    Morrissey: Trouble Loves Me
    Morrissey: Safe Warm Lancashire Home
    Sex Pistols: No Feelings
    Morrissey: The National Front Disco (Hollywood Bowl)
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    Mud: Tiger Feet
    The Who: Pinball Wizard (Woodstock, 1969)
    Charlie Parker Quintet: Slow Boat To China (Live, 1948)
    Dexys Midnight Runners: This Is What She’s Like
    Black Kids: I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
    Martha Reeves & The Vandellas: Heatwave
    The Bar-Kays: Soul Finger
    Martha & The Vandellas: I'm Ready For Love (1966)
    Ike & Tina Turner: Nutbush City Limits
    The Tears: Lovers
    Bauhaus: Bela Lugosi's Dead
    Stevie Wonder: Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer
    Jungle Brothers: I'll House You (1988)

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