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Monday, 9 January 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 117 Monday 9th January 2012

I have woken up, after a twitter free day, feeling refreshed and bursting with thoughts. I have booked out of rehab and am back in control. All weekend I have once again been trying to get my head around Rustle Brand's involvement with MorrisseysWorld and I think I've worked it out. I think it is best explained in a series of emails between Rustle and The Mozziah, which I have stumbled across, in the back of my mind. Here they are, reproduced in full. Incidentally, when Rustle reproduced a similar email exchange, in his book, (entitled Booky Wook 2, available at any decent, or in fact, half decent, charity shop on the High St at 99p, come to think about it, even the quarter decent ones are stocking it) he first sought The Mozziah's permission to print them (the emails that is if you've lost track). I am not such a scaredy cat as Brand though, I have sought no such permission. Here are the emails from the back of my mind, in full:

FROM: Rustle
SENT: Sept 20th 2011
TO: The Mozziah
SUBJECT: MorrisseysWorld

Hi M, I presume you are a 'different' M from the one in the Bond films? Come to think of it, I've never seen you and Dame Judy in the same room together, no, surely just coincidence? Anyway, that's not what I'm emailing you about, don't worry, I haven't been laying (lay or lie, I can never decide?) in my bed all night, tossing and turning, trying to fathom out if old Mozzer and Dame Jude are one and the same, I have much more important things keeping me awake, namely, a website I have stumbled across on the tinternet thingy. Sorry, where are my manners? I haven't even asked how you are? It's my excitement you see. How are you? Anyway, now I've done me pleasantries, I was on the old internet the other night, and NO, I wasn't on 'Busty Babes' OR 'Flash Your Rack', although I have to say, 'Flash Your Rack' is a great way to pass the time, although not anymore of course, I'm reformed these days. Where was I? Oh yeah, I'll cut to the chase, I stumbled across a website the other night called MorrisseysWorld.blogspot.com, the contents of which are so utterly hilarious, I can't help thinking it MUST be YOU behind it. Is it?
Please let me know
The Rusted Rocket Man


FROM: The Mozziah
SENT: Sept 22nd 2011
TO: Rustle
SUBJECT: RustlesWorld

Rustle:

How kind of you to enquire how I am (eventually). Did you mean How are you?, as in how am I in myself? or how am I generally, compared to the rest of the world? Or did you mean to ask Why are you?
You don't really care anyway do you?, you merely felt obliged to throw the question in mid email when it suddenly occurred to you that I may not respond without some form of common courtesy. You needn't have worried, I've come to expect little less from the 'Youth of Today', and especially ones from a town called 'Grays', God, for all the years I spent weeping at the injustice of a genius such as I being brought up in the drear of Mingchester, not realising at the time that there was a place called 'Grays', I didn't know I was born, how did you cope? One really can't picture the sun shining in a place called 'Grays', does it shine, or is it permanently as dull as it sounds? Why don't the people of Grays get together and insist on a name change?, if only to 'Lighter Grays', or is there already a Hamlet called 'Lighter Grays'? Now I can't help wondering if there is also a Hamlet called 'Darker Grays', if there is, I'd quite fancy playing there, do they have a Leisure Centre? If not, a Town Hall will do, after all, the audiences 'ain't what they used to be.
I await your reply.
Kindest Rules & regs
Lord Mozzer
Ps How Are you?

FROM: Rustle
SENT: Sept 22nd 2011
TO: The Mozziah
SUBJECT: Grays

Your Mozship, Thank you for your kind reply, I hope you are well?, and yes I mean it! I presume you ignored my enquiry about the website MorrisseysWorld on the grounds that I didn't start my email in the correct manner?, I sincerely apologize and ask once again, is it you behind it? The more I read of it, the more I am convinced it is you, it's pure genius, but I'm NOT a 'Mad-eyed Chambermaid'.
  I'm sorry I compared you to Judy Dench, I notice you didn't mention that either, I thought it was funny, but then I'm often mistaken in what I find funny and what others do.
 With regard to your enquiry about Grays, or 'Off Whites' as we used to call it as kids, it does not have a town hall but they could probably fit you in at The Ritz Bingo Hall in Quarry Hill, and I may even be able to get it for you at a discounted price, as I know the geezer what manages it, Gary.
Please, please, please let me know about the website, I hate not knowing things.
Love and that
Rizzole

FROM: The Mozziah
SENT: Sept 24th 2011
TO: Rustle
SUBJECT: The Quarry Hill Mob

Rizla:

That's better, manners cost nothing and I know you are a gentleman really. A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude. Thank you for the information regarding the Bingo Hall, does your mother still frequent it? I have concerns with regard to your friend 'Gary', I trust this isn't the same Gary I have read about in that book of yours, 'My Story Wory'? I'm sure you remember the Gary I mean, the one that you 'tugged orf' in the lavatory, supposedly in the name of art for some second rate television show? I do hope you were wearing marigolds? If you want to tug orf strangers in the future, please let me know, I have a list of people who would not only pay you for such an event but would 'tip' too, providing you did it properly and didn't babble too much whilst you were doing the said tug. We could call you 'Tugger Brand', a bit like 'Digger Barnes' but without the oil. You didn't have any oil did you? Anyway, what you, Gary, and the rest of the sordid Quarry Hill Mob get up to, is nobody's business but yours. Are you the quarry? Oh, you are. The name 'Gary' is so bland, MUST you have friends called 'Gary'? If you must keep him on board, couldn't you rename him? It's all so sixties.
  With regard to this 'MorrisseysWorld', do you honestly believe I would have a 'blogsite' as opposed to a proper 'website'? I know I have a (completely unjust) reputation for being a little tight, but surely even 'I' wouldn't sink SO-Low? What possibly led you to think I would create a website anyway? Do you really believe I have nothing better to do with my time and talent than sit idling it away in cyber space? Really Rustle, do you?

More Eye See.
Ps. What bits did you like best on the bloggy thing?

FROM: Rustle
SENT: Sept 24th
TO: The Mozziah
SUBJECT: MorrisseysWorld

Dear Mozzer Rooney, (Wayne's brother, get it? Or Mickey I suppose.) Consider Gary dumped, I would say he was a shit lay anyway, but in truth, he was just a shit wank. I now believe, beyond all doubt, that you are behind MorrisseysWorld, I have read the whole lot over and over, and it is just hilarious, I knew you were funny but not THAT funny. I dearly wish the public could get to see that side of you, I suppose they will now. Why are you keeping the website so quiet?, this is a beast that needs unleashing, and no, I'm not talking about Gary's tallywacker again, that beast can stay firmly locked in it's cage. My favourite bit is the bit with me in it, obviously, but ALL of it is good. I notice that you are also on twotter, as you call it, can I mention it on MY twotter account? I'm called '@Rusty Rockets', you can follow me if you like?
Love to your wife & kids
Razzer Dazzler
x

FROM: The Mozziah
SENT: Sept 26th
TO: Rustle
SUBJECT: Twotter

Wrestle:

Once again, I repeat, I am not responsible for that very mildly amusing blog, but if you are to discuss it on twotter, perhaps you should be a little less 'obvious' and open a new account, you could do with a new identity, you MUST be bored of your Rusty Rickets by now?, and despite your kind offer, I have no intention of 'following' them anywhere. Use the name '@BucktoothedBoy', it suits you.
Enough now of these exchanges, I must rest my spelked finger, that's spelked, not speckled, which is what yours were after Gary had finished with you.
 I will contact you when I require some amusement, you can be my court jester, don't worry, I will provide the hat, see, I told you I wasn't tight.

Love to mother
The Mozziah. (It's a new name I've been given by one of my many fans, I rather like it.)


If my Rustle theory is correct, then there really is just one man behind the curtain doing all the work, yep, at the end of the yellow brick road, hiding under his rainbow, is 'The Wizard Of Moz'. Let's hope that spelked finger gets those 'Tour Journals' out soon, the natives are growing restless, more about them later, but meanwhile, I still have no idea as to who the two 'special friends' are, who keep popping into my private Twitterdilly pigeon hole, although one of them has invited me to his hotel room this weekend! It is of course the 'special friend' I believe to be Rustle. I have turned down his invitation, on the grounds that I might get there, and he isn't there, so instead, I invited him to 'Rat Mansion' for the weekend. He has declined my more than generous offer, presumably on the grounds that he thinks I may be 'odd'. We are now in a stand off situation, I think we'd both quite like to meet each other, but if truth be told, I can't be bothered to go to London and he can't be bothered to come to my house. I think, that he thinks, that he should call the shots because he's a celebrity, but I think, that I think, that I should call the shots because I'm older than him, and also I have responsibilities. His celebrity status doesn't impress me, I've dined with Glenn Tilbrook, partied hard with Tony Orlando and shared spoonfuls of cake with Suzanne Vega, that's 'cake' Rustle, not 'coke' before you get 'too' excited. I know how to hobnob with the stars you know, all three of those 'A' listers I have just mentioned, 'insisted' I take their phone numbers, well Tony did, but they remain in my phone, uncalled, growing cobwebs. I shall once again invite Rustle to my 'umble abode and if he declines, I fear that could be the end of our lovely relationship. I've even offered to pick him up, as I presume he can't drive, most of these celeb types can't, even The Mozziah has never passed his test. Ooh, I've just had a thought, a little comedy skit with The Mozziah on a driving lesson, I can picture it now:

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: When I tap the dashboard, I'd like you to make an emergency stop.
MOZ: Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Have you read the highway code?
MOZ: Have you read Wilde?

   And talking of The Mozziah, as oft I do, I am pleased to report that 'The Spirit Of Nico' remains in my pigeon hole, and has pointed me towards Sacha Distel, the original 'Dimpled Prince'. Meanwhile, back in the Twitterdilly Arms, the restless natives have decided to take parody into their own hands. Hector Lector, Stillicling, Rosy Mires & Rutger, the ecubyan tea chest, have all posted parody Mozziah songs on MorrisseysWorld. Some of them are really very good, there is some real talent within this deluded bunch of Munchkins. I obviously couldn't resist getting involved, and I too have submitted another song to the MW blogsite, it is a reworking of the song 'Suedehead' by former lead singer of eighties band The Smiths, Morrissey. Here it is:

MESSHEAD
Why do I come here?
And why do I hang around?
Are you sorry?
Are you sorry?

Why do I come here
When I know it makes things hard for me?
When I know, oh
Why do I come?
Why do I tweet so much? (Hmm...)
And why send silly tweets?
Are you sorry?
Are you sorry?

Why do I come here
When I know it makes things hard for me?
When I know, oh
Why do I come?
I had to sneak into your World
'hope' to read your diary
"It was just to see, just to see"
(All the things I knew you'd written about 'you'
Any illustrations?
Oh, but
I'm so sickened
Oh, I am so sickened now

Oh, it's such a long wait, long wait
It's such a long wait, long wait
It's such a long wait, long wait
Oh
It's such a long wait, long wait
It's such a long wait, long wait

Oh, it's such a long wait, long wait
Oh
Oh It's such a long wait, long wait
It's such a long wait
Oh, a long wait
Oh, it was a long wait
Long wait, long wait
Oh
It was a long wait
Oh

I will return to the Twitterdilly Arms today, after my day off, and for those wondering where the Top 10 Twitterdilly Arms chart is, it will be revealed on Twit tomorrow at 12.45pm UK time, just like the 'old days'. I will count down the Top 10 in reverse order and then play the top 3, with number 1 revealed at 1pm. I will then attempt to buy the number one, on vinyl of course. The Twit Arms chart is 'The Only Virtual Chart That Counts'. The charts are dead, long live the charts.
    

1 comment:

  1. The Twitterdilly Arms:
    Playlist - 09 January 2012

    The The: Uncertain Smile
    The The: Beaten Generation (Acoustic)
    The Jam: Monday
    Blue: Fly by
    Fascinating Aida: Cheap Flights
    Sacha Distel & Brigitte Bardot: Le Soleil De Ma Vie + Sous-Titres
    The Smiths: I Won’t Share You
    Morrissey: Everyday Is Like Sunday (Live, 2004)
    Morrissey: Come Back To Camden
    Morrissey: Action Is My Middle Name
    Morrissey: The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get
    Morrissey: November Spawned A Monster
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    Nico: These Days
    Nico: These Days
    The Velvet Undergound & Nico: Femme Fatale
    The Velvet Underground: Pale Blue Eyes
    Morrissey: Kit (Unreleased From Maladjusted Sessions)
    Morrissey: Kit (Unreleased From Maladjusted Sessions)
    Siouxsie: Here Comes That Day
    Tony Orlando: Knock Three Times
    Bob Dylan: Lay Lady Lay
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere (Conan)
    Morrissey: Scandinavia (London, Palladium 2011)
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere (Conan)
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere (Conan)
    Morrissey: Scandinavia (London, Palladium 2011)
    Morrissey & Siouxsie: Interlude (1994)
    Rupert's People: Dream On My Mind
    Morrissey: Action Is My Middle Name
    Morrissey: Art-Hounds (Live, Brixton)
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere (Conan)
    Morrissey: Scandinavia
    Morrissey: Scandinavia
    Morrissey: Scandinavia
    Morrissey: Scandinavia
    Morrissey: People Are The Same Everywhere (Conan)
    Morrissey: Scandinavia
    The Smiths: Death Of A Disco Dancer

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