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Monday, 16 January 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 124 Monday 16th January 2012

(The scene is the two up, two down, red brick terrace house in Manchester, shared by The Mozziah & his Mum. It is set a few days ago. NB. For those outside of the UK, a 'two up, two down', is a house with two rooms upstairs, usually bedrooms, and two downstairs, usually a living room & kitchen. Don't ask where the bathroom is, you wouldn't want to know. And yes, many Britain's DO still live like this, particularly in the North, which is 'orrible, damp and grey.)

MOZ: (opening the front door from the outside with his key & then shouting/calling) Mother, the prodable son has returned.
(He pauses, awaiting a reply, but there isn't one. He opens the door to the lounge. Inside are both his mother & his musical director/guitarist/whipping boy, Boz Boorer. They are sat at the dining table, drinking tea and playing the board game 'Monopoly', although the 'n', in the word monopoly on the box lid, has been crossed out and replaced with a 'z').
MUM: Oh hello son, you're back then? Be a love and stick the kettle back on, me and Martin have finished this pot, we could do with another. (turning to Boz) You would like some more tea Martin wouldn't you? And how about another cake? Now, who's go is it? Oh, you landed on 'Community Chest', read what it says?
BOZ:(whining) Oh, somebody's crossed this one out too and written something else.
MUM: That'll be Steven again, he's changed most of it over the years, go on Martin, what does it say?
BOZ: "It's not your birthday anymore, give each player ten pounds". This is ridiculous.
MUM: (Taking the ten pound from Boz's small pile of money) Thank you very much, my go. (rolls dice) one, two, three, four, five. I've landed on 'Chance'. Read this for me Steven will you, I haven't got my glasses on. (hands the chance card to Moz).
MOZ: (smirking to himself as he reads) "Come back to Camden. If you pass GO, do not collect £200."
BOZ: There isn't a 'Camden' on the Monopoly board.
MUM: There is Martin, it's the old 'Pall Mall'. (moves the hat to the purple coloured, crossed out, 'Pall Mall', which now reads 'Camden' in scribbly, child like writing.) Right, I own all the purples, so no trouble there. Your go Martin. (hands Boz the dice).
MOZ: (walks over to the electric fire and turns it off) Look, never mind tea, cake and Mozopoly, all very cosy I'm sure but may I ask, what exactly are you doing here Boz?, and why didn't you come and pick me up from the airport?
BOZ: Oh I've been here ever since you left Moz, sorry about the airport and that, but I couldn't remember what time you said you were landing and Betty, I mean, your mum, told me not to bother, she said you could get a cab, didn't you Betty, I mean, Mrs D?
MUM: (addressing Moz) You can put that fire back on for a starters, it's brass monkeys in 'ere. It's alright for you to swan off round Europe on your holidays, me and Martin have been stuck back here doing all the bookings, dealing with the lawyers and paying the bills, which incidentally you left nowhere near enough money for, you have no idea what things cost do you? This isn't nineteen seventy two, the cost of living's gone up. I do wonder sometimes what planet you're on you know? Planet bloody Steven and sod the rest of us. (she gets up and switches the fire back on. Boz is trying to hide his grin).
MOZ: What do you mean dealing with lawyers and bookings? What bookings? Why didn't you call me, I have a mobile phone you know, I 'even' have an ipad. And Boz, what do you mean you've been here since I left?, where have you slept?
MUM: We're fully aware of what you have and haven't got, I bought you that ipad and iphone, if it wasn't for me bringing this organisation up to date, we really would still 'be in' nineteen bloody seventy two. AND you'd still be wearing those bloody flowery, girly blouses, you big poofter. Martin slept in your bed, he wanted to sleep on the sofa but I wasn't having that.
MOZ: (addressing Boz) Oh God, you slept in my bed? I'll put a match to it straight away. Now what are you on about, bookings and lawyers?
BOZ: Well, the lawyer bloke who's dealing with the court thing phoned and said it would be good for you to be seen with lots of foreign people, he wants you to have lots of foreign friends and also suggested you join some minority groups, he said it would look good to the jury if you were in minority groups.
MOZ: Minority groups? How much more minority can you get than being 'Morrissey'? I am a group, a group of one. I would of course much rather be a grope, but a group will suffice, and what do you mean 'be seen with foreign people'? I stand on a stage with four of the buggers, oh and a pie eating alien.
MUM: (raised voice) Steven! Say sorry to Martin, he's only trying to help. (normal voice) we've booked you some concerts.
MOZ: (raised voice) What? I've only just finished a tour, I've got far more important things to see to than singing, I've got my website to sort out, which reminds me, Boz, have you finished those tour journals yet?
BOZ: Nearly, I couldn't make out your writing again. I've nearly finished Mexico and then I've got the last few days of America.
MOZ: Why didn't you text me?
BOZ: I did, about twenty times, but you never replied.
MOZ: Have you any idea how much it costs to receive a text in a foreign country Boz? I'll tell you, thirty five pence 'per' text Boz, so that's seven pounds you owe me.
BOZ: But you didn't reply.
MOZ: That's because it would've cost me another thirty five pence 'per' text, you really do think money grows on trees don't you? It's exactly the same on tour when you always insist on eating at the fanciest restaurant in each town. You wouldn't do that at home would you? No, not when it's 'you' that has to pay for it, but on tour, when little old me picks up the tab, it's different then isn't it eh? Eh? (pokes Boz) You'd love it if I lost all my money wouldn't you? You'd just love it. You'd find it highly amusing if me golden larynx caved in and I had to call it a day? It'd be all right for you wouldn't it?, you'd just run off back to your Polecats while poor old me sits here in the cold with nothing to show for thirty years of hard graft, except a burnt out throat and an ex council house. Thirty years of sweat and toil and has anybody noticed that I'm still here, still grinding away, still desperately trying to bring it in? Have they 'eckers like, not a record company exec in sight at any of my concerts, not one, I don't exist anymore, I've disappeared, off the radar, cast aside, hidden away, boxed up, cast adrift, stacked on the shelf, locked in the shed, tied to the railings, placed in the stocks, buried in the Blue Peter garden like treasure, never to be dug up, never to be found, never, never, never.
(half way through the rambling speech, Mum & Boz have returned to their game, ignoring Moz. Boz is moving his thimble around the board and stops on what should be 'Fleet Street').
MUM: (Euphoric) Ha! 'Maudlin Street', with a hotel, that's one thousand and fifty pounds, which I don't believe you have Mister Boorer.
BOZ: How about I give you my 'Battersea', 'Earls Court' and 'Piccadilly', which incidentally is one of the very few that hasn't been written on?
MUM: No, that's not enough, and anyway, they're still mortgaged from when you had to pay me for landing on my 'Velvet Underground Station'.
BOZ: I'll throw in my 'Get Out Of Strangeways Free Card'?
MUM: Face it Bozmeister, you've lost.
MOZ: 'Bozmeister'?
MUM: I heard Becky call Roy the Roymeister on Corrie the other night, I love Becky, such pain she's suffered. (turning to Boz) Steven likes Becky, and Roy of course, Roy's his favourite. Roy and Emily. I've never much cared for Emily, she's spent her whole life moping since Ernest was shot, what sort of message does that give eh? Northern women don't mope, we get on with things. Now, let's get that kettle back on, you pack the game away Martin.
(There is a knock at the door)
MOZ: Oh, that'll be the taxi driver. Boz, go and pay him will you?, and bring in my bags. You owe me seven english pounds anyway for those texts. In fact it's probably more, what with the exchange rate.
BOZ: You didn't open them, they wouldn't have cost you anything. And you DON'T pay for those restaurants on tour, you refused, remember?
MOZ: You have no knowledge whatsoever as to whether I 'did' or indeed 'did not' open those texts, so stop surmising and go and pay old Bobby De Niro out there. (following mum into kitchen and mumbling to himself) I don't know why I keep him, I really don't. Now, mother, what's this about concerts?
MUM: Oh yes, the concerts, well while you were away doing whatever you were doing, people kept phoning asking if you wanted to play, so I said yes. Martin took a few calls too, it's been quite busy for January, I was worried it might've quietened down a bit, what with you losing your popularity and all.
MOZ: Losing my popularity? What are you on about, losing my popularity? I've sold over fifteen million albums I'll have you know. Losing my popularity indeed.
MUM: You can brag and boast all you like, but that were then and this is now, you have NO record deal and NO sign of one, so don't come the 'big I am' with me sonny Jim, you will take what you are offered and get on with it, you have certain responsibilities around here and don't you forget it. You're not slipping into retirement yet my boy, because I know what'll happen, you'll mope about around the house, getting under my feet and playing your music too loudly while I'm trying to watch 'Countdown', now buck your ideas up, be nice to Martin and just get on with the concerts like a good boy.
MOZ: Well where are they? I don't mind going back to Great Yarmouth again and I'll do any of the big London venues but I'm buggered if I'm going back to Swindon. I suppose it's a leisure centre tour you've booked me on, as opposed to arenas, or don't tell me, I've fallen to the pub circuit? Please not the holiday camps, tell me it's not the holiday camps?
MUM: Were you not listening to Martin earlier?, the lawyer wants you mixing with the foreigners, you need to be photographed with all sorts of people, preferably smiling, although Martin did try to explain to the lawyer that smiling wasn't one of your strongest points, personally I don't understand it, you were always smiling as a small boy, the 'Dimpled Prince' I used to call you, just like Sacha, anyway I've booked you to go to Japan.
MOZ: JAPAN?
MUM: Followed by Thailand, the Philippines and New Zealand.
MOZ: WHAT?
MUM: Yep, starting in April, oh and I think Martin has booked you one in Chile but he got a bit confused and didn't realise it was February, but don't have a go at him, he's been lovely company while you've been away. I missed you, you know. Give us an 'ug. (Embraces Moz)
MOZ: Geroff me woman. Bloody Chile! Oh well, I suppose it'll get me out the house. Fancy another game of Mozop?
MUM: Yeah go on. (reaches into the cupboard) Here, I had to hide the racing car, I know how you don't like anybody else using it and Martin was really keen but I made him use the thimble. You go through and set it up, and I'll make a fresh brew and pop some toast under the grill. (Moz leaves the room) (shouting) Oh and Steven, leave that fire on, all three bars mind, it's bloody cold.

3 comments:

  1. I want to buy a version of Mozopoly!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Twitterdilly Arms:
    Playlist - 15 January 2012

    Morrissey: Dear God, Please Help Me
    The Smiths: Well I Wonder
    Culture Club: Karma Chameleon
    Culture Club: Time (Clock Of The Heart)
    Morrissey: Let Me Kiss You
    Morrissey: At Last I Am Born
    The Smiths: Paint A Vulgar Picture
    Morrissey (Photographic Tribute): Trouble Loves Me
    Morrissey (Photographic Tribute): Trouble Loves Me
    Morrissey: Suedehead
    The Smiths: How Soon Is Now
    Lilly Allen: F*ck You
    Reparata & The Delrons: Captain Of Your Ship (1968)
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    George Formby: Why Don't Women Like Me
    Nico: Femme Fatal
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    Morrissey (Photographic Tribute): Trouble Loves Me
    Imelda May: Johnny Got A Boom Boom'
    Morrissey: Teenage Dad On His Estate
    Morrissey: Now My Heart Is Full
    Morrissey: Suedehead
    Morrissey: Now My Heart Is Full
    The Smiths: Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
    Rita Pavone: Heart
    The Smiths: How Soon Is Now
    Morrissey: Let Me Kiss You
    The Smiths: Shakespeare's Sister
    The Smiths: Well I Wonder
    The Smiths: Reel Around The Fountain
    The Paris Sisters: I Love How You Love Me
    David Guetta (Featuring - Sia): Titanium
    Morrissey: Irish Blood, English Heart
    Morrissey: Suedehead
    Morrissey: Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning
    Morrissey: Mexico
    Morrissey: I'd Love To.
    The Saints: This Perfect Day
    The Saw Doctors: I Useta Lover

    ReplyDelete
  3. My daughter got a new Monopoli Banking, It'll become a Mozopoly Bank! Cheers Rat!

    ReplyDelete

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