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Thursday, 2 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 141 Thursday 2nd February 2012

(The scene is present day at the offices of a national newspaper in Britain. Morrissey is here to be interviewed my the 23 year old 'Head of Entertainment', 'Kris'.)

KRIS: Hello Morrissey, may I start by saying what an absolute privilege it is for me to be able to interview you, I know you don't do many interviews these days.

MOZ: Nobody asks.

KRIS: (nervous laugh) I am an absolutely massive fan of yours, I have everything you've ever released.

MOZ: Even Glamorous Glue on seven inch?

KRIS: (sounding nervous) Er, sorry, what do you mean?

MOZ: We released it as a single last year, I thought you said you had all my releases?

KRIS: I meant on my i pod. When I knew you were coming in, I downloaded absolutely everything, but I haven't managed to listen to them all yet. I love the 'Irish Blood' one though. I don't recall the, sorry, what was it called again, the glue one?

MOZ: Glamorous glue.

KRIS: Right. No, I don't remember it, did it chart?

MOZ: Chart? It was the third biggest selling record of 2011.

KRIS: You're kidding me, right? The third biggest selling single of 2011? Have I completely and utterly missed something here?

MOZ: I didn't say it was the third biggest selling single, now that would be a claim too far, it was the third biggest selling 'record'.

KRIS: Oh record, I didn't realise they still made records, my dad's got some somewhere, how many did it sell?

MOZ: Well it's not my place to boast, but it sold more than both of Noel Gallagher's singles, more than the Arthritic Monkey's  and more than two of Liam Gallagher's.

KRIS: I'm impressed.

MOZ: You needn't be.

KRIS: Anyway, let's get back to the interview.

MOZ: I didn't realise we had left it.

KRIS: Who are your biggest influences at the moment?

MOZ: I'm fascinated by Benjamin Netanyahu and Ban Ki-Moon.

KRIS: Really?

MOZ: No, not really, although their names are interesting. Do you remember when Pamela Stephenson was in 'Not the Nine O'clock News' and she would make fun of silly names like Joshua Nkomo?

KRIS: (looking embarrassed) Er, no, no I don't recall that.

MOZ: No, of course you wouldn't. (seems in a trance, as though remembering the programme). It wasn't 'that' funny and I doubt it's aged well.

KRIS: (shuffling & flustered) So, er, what films are you watching at the moment?

MOZ: I re-watched Pasolini's 'Porcile' the other day, are you familiar with it?

KRIS: Er no, I don't think I've seen it, who's in it?

MOZ: Russell Brand.

KRIS: Really?

MOZ: No, but there is an actor called Pierre Clementi in it, who is the spitting image of Brand.

KRIS: Are you and Russell still friends?

MOZ: He emails me.

KRIS: Yes, I've read his book with copies of your emails in it, they're hilarious, are you always like that?

MOZ: Like what?

KRIS: Funny?

MOZ: I am just me, who else could I possibly be?

KRIS: Those emails are funny though.

MOZ: Russell's emails are like life itself, mildly amusing and meaningless.

KRIS: Do you really feel life is meaningless?

MOZ: Well I still haven't got a record deal, what else could I possibly be here for?

KRIS: Well I know you've got another tour coming up?

MOZ: Yes, we are taking the show to Chile, Brazil, Argentina, Columbia, Peru, Japan and even Korea, it's all very exciting.

KRIS: But no UK dates announced?

MOZ: I can't possibly plan for anything post May, as I have a court case coming up, and if all goes wrong, which it normally does for me, I could be facing a ten stretch in the Scrubs.

KRIS: (nervous laugh) But it's not you on trial.

MOZ: Isn't it?

KRIS: You're the one who's brought the case, aren't you?

MOZ: I had no choice, but I can't, and don't want, to talk about it, so shall we move on?

KRIS: (looking at piece of paper) Er, right, now I see your musical director Boz Boorer is currently out gigging with his new band Happy Martyr, how do you feel about that?

MOZ: Boz is under no contract with me, how can he be, I don't even have a contract myself? No, Boz is his own man and he can do what he likes, he usually does.

KRIS: Have you seen them?

MOZ: I've stumbled across them on You tube.

KRIS: And what did you think?

MOZ: Boz is a great guitarist.

KRIS: And the singer?

MOZ: (smiles) As I said, Boz is a great guitarist.

KRIS: And I see that Johnny Marr, your ex song writing partner from The Smiths, is also out there gigging, and singing old Smiths songs too, how does that make you feel?

MOZ: Feel?

KRIS: I mean, what do you think? Have you seen him live?

MOZ: Again, I've stumbled upon it on You tube, I don't get out that much these days.

KRIS: And were you impressed?

MOZ: Johnny too, is a great guitarist.

KRIS: He's a singer now too, how do you feel about that?

MOZ: Probably the same way Johnny feels about seeing his pieces played by my band.

KRIS: What I don't understand is, if Johnny Marr now wants to play The Smiths songs again, why doesn't he just ask you to reform the proper Smiths, rather than him attempt to sing?

MOZ: Johnny left The Smiths in 1987, perhaps his plan all along was to eventually take over the singing duties?

KRIS: Seriously though, why don't you put The Smiths back together?

MOZ: Ooh, you haven't done your research, there are murky waters that you have not seen.

KRIS: I have, I've read loads. Is it because of the court case with Mick Joyce?

MOZ: (chuckles at the use of the name Mick) Well, it would appear you have done 'some' research then. It is impossible to even conceive that I could share a stage with my former drummer, not now, and not ever. The only way it could possibly work, would be by suspending him from the ceiling in a cage, which I suppose would allow the audience to throw rotten vegetables at him wouldn't it? I would want to join the audience though, the singing would be secondary to the main event. Perhaps we should forget the whole reforming thing, but put Joyce in a cage anyway, up a pier somewhere, as part of a freak show. We could charge everybody £1 a go to throw tomatoes at him. I'd give him 25 percent of the takings of course, after all, I wouldn't want to be accused of being devious, truculent or unreliable again would I?

KRIS: (not really listening, but reading his notes) So, The Smiths getting back together for the 30th anniversary isn't going to happen then?

MOZ: Anniversary? There is always some or other anniversary being brought up by the media, the 20th anniversary of this, the 25th anniversary of that, the 30th anniversary of the other, it's meaningless, they are just dates, and what's more, there are so many other Manchester bands reforming at the moment, it would be dreadfully crass for The Smiths to do it, it would look like we were jumping on a bandwagon, and I can assure you, I have never ridden a bandwagon in my life, and I'm far too old to start now, there will be no reformation this week, no.

KRIS: What's this I hear that you are on twitter?

MOZ: (laughs) If it's not talk of reunions, it's talk of social networking sites. Really, do you think Oscar Wilde or Kenneth Williams would have whiled away the hours tweeting faceless sycophants on the Isle of Wight? No, they wouldn't.

KRIS: Is that a 'no' then? I've been told on good authority that you do have a twitter account.

MOZ: I have very briefly looked into twitter, if looking 'into' it is what one does, but I can assure you that the guy calling himself Morrissey is definitely not me, I believe he is an Argentinian called Jorge. He has over 7,000 followers, which believe me, is far more than I could ever muster (wryly smiles to himself).

KRIS: Are you not behind MorrisseysWorld either then?

MOZ: I'm not behind anyone, that's a job for drummers, you'll always find me out front, unfortunately.

KRIS: So you definitely don't tweet?

MOZ: Nor twit, nor twoo, (makes round owl eyes with his hands), although I have been known to bark.(barks)

KRIS: Have you seen the web site?

MOZ: What website?

KRIS: (flustered) Morrisseys World?

MOZ: Again, I have stumbled upon it, I stumble a lot whilst on the internet, it's my sore finger don't you know?

KRIS: Well, Morrisseys World is allegedly a Morrissey parody site, but there is a song on the website called 'Boredom is a Plague', do you know anything about it?

MOZ: Shall I hum you the tune?

KRIS: I thought it was a parody?

MOZ: Then I shall hum it in a parody tone.

KRIS: You're very confusing aren't you?

MOZ: Am I? I don't mean to be, but as someone once said, "I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed."

KRIS: Wilde?

MOZ: No, I'm caged, not unlike the drummer. Well, we're all caged really, aren't we? I just don't have tomatoes thrown at me, but give it time, they haven't heard the new material yet.

KRIS: Going back to Boz Boorer, if his new band become successful and he decides to leave, what will you do?

MOZ: Do you know what, er, Kris wasn't it?

KRIS: Yes, Kris.

MOZ: Well, look Kris, I never really give anything away in interviews, I'm notorious for it, and you probably haven't noticed, but I've been toying with you all the way through, I always do, I can't help it, it's me, it's just the way I am. Every interview I do is the same, the interviewer is all nervous and intimidated, they usually fawn all over me, and they always ask the same old boring questions, which I manage to avoid answering by throwing in quips and witticisms. I always leave the interview having given nothing, it's probably why the likes of the NME and Guardian feel the need to spin everything, it's my own fault really, I don't give them a story, so they make one up. I mean, when you look back through the transcript of this interview, where's your headline? There isn't one, but I like you Kris, you seem nice enough, having said that, I've made 'that' mistake with journalists before, look at Tim Jonze for instance, but hey ho, you seem ok, so I'll give you your headline. Would you like that?

KRIS: Yes please.

MOZ: (stands up and walks to the window, where he stands staring out the whole time he speaks, almost in a trance) Well, this whole, 'Boz playing with another band thing', it's all my idea actually, the thing is, he's been with me for far too long now, and I've been wanting to off load him for a while, but it's not that easy, he's like part of the furniture, and mum likes him. Anyway, every time I go to tell him that, 'he's out', I just can't find the words, ironic really, coming from a man who's written some of the best lyrics in modern musical history. You see, I hate confrontation, I always have, you've probably heard about the Rourke windscreen thing, which wasn't true by the way, but it's never easy to get rid of somebody, I mean, half the time it isn't personal, it's just that I fancy a change, but of course once they've played with old Mozzer, anything after that is going to be a come down, a decline in their career, but that's not old Mozzer's fault, at least I've let them witness the highs, they wouldn't have had that if they'd stayed in the Polecats now, would they? Anyway, much as though I love Boz, and don't get me wrong, I really do love him, there are a number of things that have begun to bug me about him recently. The main thing of course is his weight, I mean, I know we joke about it all the time, but there is nothing worse in the rock and roll game, than seeing some portly rocker up there on stage thinking they've still got it. It's another reason not to reform The Smiths you know, do Rourke and Joyce really still look like hip musicians?, of course not, they look like a pair of washed out Mancs, where as me and Johnny have still got it, we've looked after ourselves. I may be fifty two, but when that shirt of mine comes off, I've got nothing to be ashamed of, it's all that meat free, clean living you know? Boz is comfortable with how he looks, and that's great for him to feel that comfortable about himself, but it's not for me, he wouldn't even wear the speedos on the last tour. I can't tell him I want him out because of his weight, Christ, how would that look? No, that's why I've encouraged this new band of his, it makes the parting of the ways far more, well, natural. I will wait for them to book some concerts, or gigs as Boz insists on calling them, and then I will book my next lot of concerts for the same night's. I'll tell him it was unavoidable. He'll of course offer to reschedule his concerts, but I'll tell him I'm having none of it, I'll tell him that he must never let down his audience, all twenty three of them, and that the show must go on whatever happens, after all, I'd never cancel a show now would I? I've thought it all through you know, I really feel that this time, I can have a break up with no bad feeling, leaving me free to bring in whoever I want. It might be Johnny, it might be Mark E. Nevin even, we're still friends and I quite fancy having him on stage for 'The Loop' and 'I've Changed My Plea to Guilty', I like nostalgia, it warms your cockles. Of course the other thing with Boz is the violence, I mean don't get me wrong, I admire that he protects my audience when the security get a bit rough, but on that last tour, he actually attacked one of the security with his guitar, we were inches away from being sued, but I dug Boz out of that whole situation by agreeing to have Sunday lunch with the guy's mother, it turns out she was a Sinatra 'nut', and just wanted to talk to me about Nancy. Still, it saved yet another court case, and would it have been Boz up there in the dock or little old me?, yep, me of course because I'm the one with the employer's liability insurance, or is it public liability insurance?, I hate having to pay all these insurances, you never feel as though you're getting anything for your money, but the lawyers say I have to have them, so what can I do? Nope, this is all going to work out fine and dandy, Boz playing to half a dozen people in a back street pub in Winchester, while I break away from the leisure centre circuit, which let's face it, is really 'quite' beneath me, and get back to the arena's and stadiums. I desperately wanted to play Madison Square Gardens on the last tour, but can you imagine the humility if it was half empty? I can see it now, Me, Johnny and Nevin, it's starting to sound like one of them 'super groups' already, I could even bring in Noel, he's always nice about me in interviews, well, apart from that last one, where he said The Smiths songs belonged to Johnny, or something. He was very good on my 'Importance' documentary though, so we'll see. Of course, they'd need to all understand it's 'my' band, and we'd have to sort out the royalties properly this time, I don't want 'yet another' court case. Oh yes, once I'm free of Boz, the record companies will be jumping all over me, the good times are just around the corner, I can feel it. No need to worry about writing any new songs for a while, my back catalogue's vast, we can tour it for years, but we're not doing any of Johnny's 'other stuff', oh no, it's just my solo stuff and The Smiths, I'm not singing somebody else's trashy lyrics, I'm an original, a one off, a genius, well, so they say, and who am I to disagree? (seems to come out of trance) Anyway Kris, there's your headline, 'Morrissey is back and conquering the world'. (turns back from staring out the window, to see Kris with his earphones in, playing music on his iphone, while simultaneously playing 'Fruit Ninja'. Morrissey walks to the door and leaves, Kris doesn't even notice.)
MOZ: C*nt.


  1. "Russell's emails are like life itself, mildly amusing and meaningless." - Brilliant!

  2. Surreptitiously reading this in class and trying not to laugh and thereby disturb my students. Thanks for this.

  3. Just finished Booky Wook2 and Morrissey's emails are hilarious, esp. the one about being stranded in a boat off the coast of Central America with Russell

  4. Another GEM!! Your 'scenario pieces' (or whatever they're called) are outrageously funny and paint such a vivid picture!!


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