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Monday, 6 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 145 Monday 6th February 2012

So what did I do yesterday, on my day off from 'Following the Mozziah'? I spent most of it on 'MorrisseysWorld' catching up on all the old posts, and still I have loads left to read, I'd forgotten, just how many there are. So much for me, 'not' following him, the addiction runs deep! The posts are all hilarious, and reading the comments left by various readers, is just as funny. It is also interesting to read how some people change their views on the authenticity of it all. The latest follower to lose the faith in 'MW' being the 'real' Mozziah, is '@Lizzycat4', and she has been here from the start. In fact, only last week, she was listed as one of the 5 dinner guests that '@MW' would have at his table, so why the 'U' turn? It would appear that it's because of that evil Mancunian hack, '@Banjaxer', the devil in disguise. He keeps tweeting that we are all being fooled by a poor impersonator, and it would appear that poor 'Lizzycat' has fallen for it. Another one that 'Banj' has been trying to convince, is '@RosyMires', he plays with people's minds by making them question the authenticity of it all. What 'Lizzy' & 'Rosy' seem to have forgotten, is that '@Morrisseysmum' has, on two occasions now, said, "He knows, you know" about Banjaxer. We KNOW 'mum' is real because of pevious tweets about 'Log Lady' etc, but it certainly appears that 'Mum' has changed. She hardly tweets anymore, and when she does, it is nonsense stuff. Cold it be that The Mozziah has handed over the 'Mum' account to 'Banj' and told him to do whatever he likes to put people off the scent? We must not lose sight, that all this is a game. I believe that 'Banjaxer's' role, is to sew seeds of doubt, and he's doing it well!
   So as I trawled around 'MorrissysWorld' yesterday, I found a great 'Teatime Teaser Crossword', in which one of the clues is, 'I get RID of PEST hack.' Of course, with my super, intellectual brain, I worked out straight away that the answer was 'Banjaxer', but it didn't fit in with 11 down, so I had to think again. Only kidding, of course I knew straight away that it was 'Petridis', it is rewarding to learn that, all those years of doing 'The Sun' crossword, has at last paid off. Alexis Petridis, is the G*ardian journalist who writes absolute dirge about The Mozziah. It suddenly dawned on me, that I am currently blocked by at least 5 or 6 G*ardian journalists on twotter, but I've never had a stab at enemy number one, Petridis. I knew I had to put that right, but I'd have to be subtle to get blocked, after all, Petridis might not be as thick as he looks, and incidentally, he is the absolute spitting image of Mr Bean. I decided to first leave a comment on the 'Teatime Teaser Crossword', I wrote,
 "16 across is Petridis, but it's a bit cryptic, perhaps you could have a set of 'Quick' clues for us meatheads. The 16 across clue could then be: 'Monobrowed Journo c*nt, banned from Moz concerts' Still too hard? then how about, 'Monobrowed journo c*nt, banned from Moz concerts, called Petridis'? That should do it."
  I then linked the crossword, along with my comment, to Pest-Rid (as he shall now be called, if I do ever mention him again that is, which is unlikely) at his twotter account, which is '@alexispetridis', and guess what?, yep, he blocked me, and not even a 'F*ck off' first, which was a little disappointing, but all in all, far too easy, good old Mr Bean, he really 'IS' that thick!
   It occurred to me, as I continued my trawl around 'MW', that the whole site is now back up and running, but there are two things that have not been rectified, firstly, the google link into 'MW', still reads, 'The Place Once Known as MorrisseysWorld', and secondly, the links into the two twitter accounts, '@MorrisseysWorld' and '@MorrisseysMum' have not been put back onto the site, is this intentional, or an oversight? If the twitter link to '@MW' were to be re-added, and put in a prominent place, there is NO doubt that the followers would rise from the current total of just 4,680. It is my belief that The Mozziah DOES NOT want the number of followers to grow too quickly, because the longer this drags on, with nobody believing that it 'IS' him, the more amusing it becomes to him. You can almost picture the Jonathan Ross TV interview when the autobiography comes out:

JR: Ladies and gentlemen, my last guest this evening, as many of you will know, is a personal herewo and fwiend of mine, well at least I think I'm a fwiend, but with this man, you never weally can tell,(audience laughter) and incidentally, I've had to keep him until last this evening ladies and gentlemen for two weasons, firstly because he always insists on topping the bill, and secondly, because if he had been on first, he would have buggered off home before the end (more laughter). Will you please put your hands together, and welcome, the one and only, Mowwissey. (applause. Morrissey enters the studio. Wossy goes to shake Morrisseys hand, but at the last minute dives in for a hug. Morrissey looks awkward, but accepts the embrace.) So, Mowwissey, absolutely lovely to have you on again, (Morrissey nods his acceptance) sowwy about the hug, I just couldn't help myself, did it do anything for you?

MOZ: Well it crumpled the shirt. (audience laughter)

JR: And may I say, what a lovely shirt it is too, you are always so vewy stylish.

MOZ: And you too Jonathan, and you too, in your own sweet way. Have you invited me along just to talk of clothing? (slight laughter, probably in fact just one giggling woman, like you used to get with 70's studio audiences)

JR: No, I've invited you along, or if twuth be known, you suggested to me that I 'should', invite you along, to talk about, what is pwobably, the most anticipated autobiogwaphy in wecent years.

MOZ: Only anticipated by you Jonathan, only anticipated by you, I'm sure the rest of the country will not 'even' be aware of it's existence, and it will no doubt just 'languish' on bookshop shelves, in the 'crimes' section, gathering dust. (audience laughter & a woman shouts from audience, "WE LOVE YOU MORRISSEY".)

JR: (to the audience) Be quiet Jane,(audience laughter) (turning to Morrissey) I knew I shouldn't have bwought the wife tonight (audience & Morrissey laugh). Now don't do yourself down Mowwissey, I know that's just your way, but there have been wecord advanced orders for this book haven't there?

MOZ: Apparently so, and therefore, there will be 'record' disappointment Jonathan(audience laughter) and I would imagine that 'refunds too', will break 'all' known records. (raucous audience laughter)

JR: You are too modest Mowwissey, I bet it's a cwacker. Usually of course, when we have a guest on, talking about  a new book, they have the courtesy of sending an advanced copy to me, so that I can wead it, pull out a few funnies, and generwally have something to talk about, but you wefused to let me have a copy, why is that?

MOZ: Well, firstly, you refused to pay for it (audience laughter), secondly, absolutely 'nobody' has read it yet, even the printer,(audience laughter grows)(turns to audience) who we had to blindfold through the whole process, just to make sure (raucous audience laughter), and in fact, I 'even' did all the proofreading myself, again, blindfolded, naturally, (more laughter) (turns back to Jonathan) and thirdly, if you'd 'read' what I'd written about you in the book, you 'definitely' wouldn't have invited me onto your show. (raucous audience laughter)

JR: You're making me slightly nervous now Mozzer (audience laughter), what 'have' you witten about me?

MOZ: Only the truth Jonathan, only the truth.(audience laughter)

JR: Well as long as it's not what's been witten about me on that pawody website of yours, which incidentally, I notice, has 'still' not been found by the masses. I pwesume I 'am' allowed to talk about the website now that the book is coming out?

MOZ: Website?

JR: 'MowwisseysWorld? (turns to audience)Yes, for your information ladies and gentlemen, there is a pawody website, all about Mowwissey, called MowwisseysWorld, which many of his fans believe, 'Mowwissey' is behind. It started about thwee years ago, am I wight Mowwissey?

MOZ: It is a website that I am 'aware' of, and yes, it is 'slightly' disappointing that nobody seems to know about parody me, other than my most 'dedicated' of followers, but then, why should I be surprised that the masses aren't interested in 'parody' me, when they aren't even interested in 'real' me? (audience laughter)

JR: But sewiously though Mowwissey, I do hope that the book doesn't have that pawody stuff about me in it?

MOZ: If hope is your only weapon Jonathan, then you may as well have come unarmed.(audience laughter)

JR: (joining in with laughter, although, somewhat nervously)Well, I have to say, that website makes me look like a wight sycophantic twat. (audience laughter)

MOZ: (smiling along to the audience laughter) As I say Jonathan, the book contains only the truth, only the truth. (hysterical audience laughter)

JR: And you also have a twitter  account too, which, may I say, is 'by far' the funniest thing on twitter, you have mastered the hundwed and forty byte witticism to perfection, why do you think more people aren't following you?, they follow Jordan and she says nothing even mildly amusing (audience laughter).

MOZ: Well I've never 'said' I have a twitter account Jonathan, you shouldn't go making allegations that you can't substantiate, should you now? (audience laughter)

JR: No, certainly not after your success in the High Court earlier this year, I think it's pwetty fair to say, nobody will ever dare cwitisise you again, you'll just sue them. (audience laughter)

MOZ: Oh, I don't mind criticism Jonathan, as long as it's fair, it's the blatant lies I won't tolerate, although I must add, where criticism 'is' concerned, that too, is usually unjust, when it comes to my work. (audience laughter)

JR: (turns to audience) You think he's joking ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you he's not, he is well famed for not taking cwiticism well. (audience laughter) (turning back to Morrissey) So, if this twitter account 'was' yours,(audience laughter, well actually, more like tittering) which, and I want to make this one hundwed percent clear, I am 'NOT' saying 'is', (audience laughter) it is 'by far' the wittiest account on twitter, so why do you think you, sowwy, 'it', (audience laughter) has so few followers?

MOZ: Well I can neither confirm or deny whether I have a twotter account, although, do you 'really' expect me to have one Jonathan? 'Really'? Perhaps after thirty years in the music industry, I have said too much, perhaps my audience are bored of me. It does make you wonder who all these people 'are', who have pre-ordered the book, I can only presume that they think it is 'David' Morrissey's autobiography, or heaven forbid, 'Neil's'. (audience laughter)

JR:(laughing along) Mowwissey, we are unfortunately out of time, but as usual, it has been an absolute pleasure to have you here, and by the way, we 'are' fwiends now aren't we, I honestly can't tell? (audience laughter)

MOZ: A friend would never need to ask that question Jonathan. (audience laughter)

JR: Ladies and gentlemen, with his new book, entitled 'This Charmless Man', available to purchase next Monday, will you please give it up, for the one and only, Mowwissey. (audience applause).

                          The End

   I took my usual peak into the world of twitter this morning, and was pleased to find my message box full of songs from my 'Spirit of Nico' friend, who continues to give me a musical education. Among the songs today, were a couple of absolute gems that I had never heard before, by Ann Margret, "I Just Don't Understand" and the even better, "What Am I supposed To Do." A quick look in my Mozipedia, shows NO mention of Ann Margret, could it be that Simon Goddard 'doesn't' in fact live in The Mozziah's spare room, taking down note of everything he does? Could it be, that Goddard doesn't 'even' have full access to The Mozziah's record collection?, because I sincerely believe that these two beauties have come straight out of it. Ann Margret is best known for her starring role alongside Elvis in 'Viva Las Vegas', so she would fit perfectly into the mould of female singers that The Mozziah likes, perhaps he's mentioned her in an interview at sometime, but if so, it's not like old 'Godders' to miss it! I sent 'Spirit of Nico' a collection of songs back, and when I popped back later to see what he/she thought of my choices, I found his/her account closed, it would appear that the spirit has flown! It must have been that 'Cure' song I sent him/her. Oh well, I know he couldn't last, I am now, once again, 'spiritless'! I shall put it in a pot with my 'spinelessness' from Saturday. Is my musical education over?, it would appear so, for now, at least.
  After checking my Twitter messages, I then popped into 'The Twiterdilly Arms', where a quick read through the timeline, alerted me to a conversation between '@Mancladmozfan' and a couple of the others, reporting that I'd been posting on So-low! Well, obviously I knew I hadn't because, a) I'm banned and b) I haven't even glanced into So-low in weeks, after all, I only ever go there to read 'concert reviews', if you can call them that. I quickly flew over to So-low site, to see what 'Manc' was on about, and sure enough, somebody has been posting over there, pretending to be me. Now, if this person had been sharp and witty with their comments, and of course  been devilishly good looking, then I would have had no objection in the slightest to them impersonating me, in fact, I'd be flattered, but they aren't witty, and what is worse, their grammar is diabolical and they have 'even' implied that I smoke! My grammar is much better than my impersonator's, and I certainly DO NOT SMOKE! Can I sue? Whoever this person is, they have obviously read 'bits' of my blog, but not all of it, or they would have realised that I am banned from So-low. I now feel I have no choice, other than to issue a CEASE & DESIST notice to this person, there is only one unemployed former envoy to The Mozziah, and that is me!
   And finally Esther, and finally Cyril, I have just been back into MW, and seen that 'Admin Guy' has been sacked, due to his poor spelling and grammatical errors, some of which, I had pointed out! I now feel slightly guilty, as it was Admin Guy, who organised the midnight vigil in my honour, however, as he said that Gt Yarmouth pier was on the Isle of Wight instead of Norfolk, I can have little sympathy with him, it would appear that his geography is as bad as his grammar, hold on, that's a thought, could it be Admin Guy impersonating me over at So-low? No, on second thoughts, with his geographical skills, he'd never have found it! (audience laughter)
  And finally, finally, I must mention that three more songs from The Hollywood Bowl 2007 concert have found their way onto Youtube, they are, the superb "Let Me Kiss You", "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side" and "That's How People Grow Up." I think that is now fourteen out of the twenty three songs that are on there, I now have to hope "National Front Disco" turns up.
  Finally, finally, finally, thank you to '@caterita2008', for pointing out on twitter the other day, that Feb 3rd was St Blaise's day, the patron saint of the throat, or 'troath' as she called it, oh, she is funny, that Italian mother & wife.
  Finally, finally, finally, finally, 'Old Willoughby' has just popped into 'The Twitterdilly Arms' for a quick half of stout, before going out to watch old 'Rusty Rockets' at Comedy Central in LA. She has vowed to walk up to the stage and present him with a rose from the 'MorrisseyWorlders'. If she doesn't bottle out, it will be interesting to see how old 'BucktoothedBoy' reacts, although of course, he could be reading this right now, and might be prepared! I wish Willoughby well in her quest. The 'Twitterdilly Arms' also has a new member, if pubs 'have' members, I can't call him/her a 'regular', because presumably you only become a 'pub regular' if you go 'regularly', although what constitutes 'regular' is anybody's guess! I mean it's a bit like sex, if you were to say you get a 'regular' amount, is that twice a day, or four times a year? Anyway, the new 'member', if you'll excuse the pun, if indeed it was one, is '@Fancys123', a regular reader, and sometimes commenter, on my blog, welcome along. And that really is it for today, tomorrow is the 200th birthday of Portsmouth's favourite son, Charles Dickens.


  1. I tweeted MW before re that it is time to change the name back but I just got ignored, as usual! Banjo is defo MozMum and has been for a while. Hence the photo change and not called Betty Dwyer anymore? Only speculating of course!

  2. What a superb blog entry, and yet only 1 comment. Makes you wonder why that poor Rat bothers.

    Bermondsey Billy


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