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Friday, 17 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 156 Friday 17th February 2012

Following my blog of yesterday, in which I sympathetically tried to explain why I thought that '@Amor_y_locura' had taken offence to 'Whitney Gate', 'Amor', or 'Aurora' as she is called in blog land, decided to leave a number of comments on my blog, not thanking me for trying to understand, but accusing me of; being racist, having serious mental illness and being an unfit father. My initial reaction was to delete her comments, because despite my thick skin, the comments are deeply hurtful, but then I stopped to think, Morrissey has had all sorts of allegations thrown at him, particularly racist ones, and he is not able to just press a delete button and make them go away, he has had to put up with them. I have never been accused of being; a racist, mentally ill or a bad father before, not by anybody, ever, and each of the allegations is laughable, but hold on, people can read Aurora's comments, and these people do not know me, what if they believe her comments to be true? These allegations aren't laughable at all, they truly are deeply hurtful. I do not like the feeling that the few people who read my blog may actually believe these ridiculous allegations. Now, if I have this feeling about the 13 people who read this silly blog, (actually readership is now up to 80+ a day) then how must The Mozziah feel about the whole world being able to read about his alleged racism? At first, I'm sure he would have laughed at the absurdness of it, but as the allegations and slurs continued, the absurdity of it would have turned to anger, and then it would have been a feeling of hurt and the downright unjustness of it all. People should not be able to make such wild accusations without some form of redress. What I am currently feeling about the accusations made against me, must be nothing, compared to what Morrissey must be feeling. Each accusation must have worn him down further and further, and even now, as he has fun with his fans with a parody website, his fans turn on him and accuse him of further racism. He dealt with it yesterday by producing a parody piece that just showed how absurd Aurora's allegations were, but he would've been hurt by it, in the same way I have been hurt by it, in fact I am fuming. The Mozziah could not let such slurs and allegations continue, he is having to do something that he really, really won't want to be doing, he is taking the accusers to The High Court, to wash the dirty linen in public, and once and for all clear his name. I wish to do the same on  a smaller scale. It matters to me that the people I exchange tweets with in The Twitterdilly Arms believe that I am not a racist, have mental illness or am a bad father. No actually, that isn't true, I am not in the slightest bit concerned as to whether these people think I have mental illness or am a bad father, those two allegations I am happy to leave on the laughable pile, but the allegation of racism, I can't let go. I will try and deal with this matter in a similar way to The Mozziah, by also throwing in a bit of humour, but the outcome at the end is for real. It is time for the Twitterdilly Arms to have it's first Kangeroo court.

(The setting is The Twitterdilly Arms, where the followers of MorrisseysWorld are all packed in, awaiting the trial of RatsBack, who is sat in a makeshift dock, handcuffed. The prosecution has been brought by Aurora Locura, who is sat quietly at a table. The Judge is 'Our Mozzer', he is wearing a brown paper bag on his head, so as not to give away his true identity, and he is sat on the upstairs balcony of the pub, with a bottle of gin, strategically hidden from view, under the table. He is wearing a gold lame shirt and has his 'Sunday best' trousers on, although the smart appearance is somewhat let down by a piece of string acting as a belt. The twelve members of the jury are sat on benches that have been placed in front of the jukebox to stop anybody attempting to put it on. However, as we await proceedings to begin, one of the juror's, 'Air Raid', turns and slips a coin into the jukebox and the song 'I've Changed My Plea to Guilty' kicks in. Various members of the jury start to giggle and even The Mozziah and RatsBack show signs of smirks. The members of the jury are: Hector Lector, Rosy Mires, Still I Cling, Cathy Plus, Mme de Stael, Girl Without, Heather Cat, Lizzy Cat, Emotional Air Raid, Willoughby, Krystal, Loughton Lil. There are two reserve jurors, Manc Lad & Girl on Bike.)

MOZ: (Tapping gavel) I must start by saying I am very uncomfortable with this role, I DO NOT like authority and it saddens me that my audience can't just love one another and get on together. The world is a depressing and lonely place and


(There are gasps from the whole pub that somebody would dare interrupt The Moz mid flow, especially as it may well have turned out to be one of his most important speeches ever. The crowd turn on the person who shouted, it is 'Banjaxer'.)

MOZ: Remove that man from the court, I mean pub. None of you know if he should be in here or not anyway.

AURORA: I want him to stay, he's my friend, we send direct messages to each other in twitter, so therefore he must be my friend. There is no way with all this shit going on that he would string me along. He definitely knows this MorrisseysWorld thing is all a joke, he's told me and he's told me that the real Moz is extremely annoyed about the whole thing. (looks up at Judge Moz) You aren't the real Morrissey, you are a poor fake and fraud and I don't even follow you on twitter anymore, and anyway, if you are the real morrissey, which you're not, you are a racist and I'm going to burn all of your records, although if I'm honest, I haven't actually got any of your records, but I do have some illegal downloads of yours, so I'll burn those. Now take that bag off your head and stop laughing at me. (Turns to rest of the pub) And if any of you dare make a joke, about anything, EVER, I'll have you, I'll have you all, you racist scum.

MOZ: (banging gavel, which for some reason has a lead coming from it. Stands up & starts to whip the lead like a microphone lead. Breaks into song, to the tune of 'Panic') Silence in the court of twitter, silence in the court of Parody, I wonder to myself. Burn down the twit arms.....(looks out to the audience, who are staring half in awe and half in bemusement)

STILLICLING: (whispering to RosyMires) Are you sure it isn't the real Moz, it sounded like him when he sang that.

ROSYMIRES: (whispering) No definitely not, it's just a good impersonator.

STILLICLING: (still whispering) But what about all those other coincidences on the blog site and twitter? I was convinced Morrissey was behind MorrisseysWorld until you convinced me otherwise. That voice really does sound like 'his' you know?

ROSYMIRES: (whispering) Stick with me kid, we don't want to look fools in all of this, let's stick to the 'it's not him' line and then if it does turn out to be him, we can say we knew it was all along, but if it isn't him, we can take the moral high ground.

STILL: (whispering) But you've said you aren't happy with a few things he's said, if it turn out it is the real Morrissey, how are you going to back track?

ROSY: (whispering) Don't worry about that kid, it'll all be forgotten in the furore.

STILL: (whispering) So is Moz a racist?

ROSY: (whispering) No, of course not.

STILL: (whispering) So is 'Our Mozzer' aka MorrisseysWorld racist?

ROSY: (whispering) Hmm, that's a toughy. If it turns out that it 'isn't' the real Morrissey behind MorrisseysWorld, then we could say some of the stuff is racist, although I think we'd be better sticking to 'bad taste', it's not such a heavy allegation, but if it turns out that MW 'is' the real Moz, then I want to make it absolutely clear, MW is definitely 'not' racist, and I think we can even forget the bad taste, we'll put it down to him just being him.

STILL: (whispering) I don't get it.

ROSY: (whispering) Just forget it, I have it on good authority from Banjaxer that it isn't the real Moz, so it's all academic.

(Banjaxer leaves the pub and as he leaves he shouts)


MOZ: Yes, yes, I'll see you later. Right, let's get on with this. (Turns to RatsBack) Are you The Rats Back?

RATSBACK: Yes your Mozziahship, I certainly am, and may I say what a privilege it is to have you here with us today. I'm your greatest fan you know, I'd never let anybody ever say a word against you, and even if you ever did say something really racist and awful, which of course you never will, I would still back you to the hilt and try and find a reasonable explanation for it, I just wanted you to know that, and also, I'm hoping that once this is all over we can become best friends and maybe we can hang together and listen to music together and perhaps you could read Dante to me and we could

MOZ: Silence, silence, silence. Do you not realise I have cretins like you fawning all over me day in day out? I don't want friends and I certainly don't want sycophantic, fawining, lowlife like you.

AMORA: (shouting at Moz) RACIST

MOZ: Sorry?

AMORA: You can't call him a cretin, that's racist.

MOZ: (to Ratsback) For the record, what colour is your skin?

RATSBACK: I am from Maltese stock sir, my beautiful olivey skin sets me apart from your average anglo saxon white male and although I am very proud of my origins, it did lead to me receiving racial abuse at school, but it's never been a big issue to me sir.

AMORA: (to Moz) There you go, I told you you were racist, he's not 100% white and you called him a name, that's racism.

HECTOR LECTOR:(shouting) Here here.

MOZ: (to Hector) Member of the jury, you cannot shout "here here". I now have to decide whether or not to exclude you from the jury. Why did you shout "here here"?

HECTOR: I was merely supporting Aurora'a accusation about your racist comment to poor Ratsback.

MOZ: (to Hector) Let me get this clear, you are supporting Ratsback in this case?

HECTOR: Yes. NO! I meant no! Shit, I was going to vote against Ratsback, I'm on Aurora's side, I've even stopped following Ratsback on twitter and everything. I don't even follow MorrisseysWorld anymore. I'm not overly sure what I'm still doing in this Parody Morrissey pub anymore, although I really like Loughton Lil. (Turns to Loughton Lil and smiles).

LOUGHTON LIL: (to Hector) Cheers mate, I like you too. (shouts) WE LOVE YOU RATSBACK.

MOZ: (Banging gavel & shouting) ORDER ORDER ORDER (Starts singing) Ordinary boys, happy knowing nothing, happy being no-one but themselves.

MANC: (shouting) I LOVE YOU MOZ

GIRL WITHOUT: (whispering to Manc) I thought you didn't think 'he' was the real Moz?

MANC: (whispering) That was yesterday, I believe again today, what about you?

GIRL WITHOUT: (whispering) I've always believed, there's no doubt. (to Lizzy Cat) What about you, do you believe it's him?

LIZZY CAT:(whispering) Well I did, and then I didn't, and now I do again. Some of that writing on MorrisseysWorld is just unbelievable, nobody else could write that.

MOZ: (to Loughton Lil & Hector) Could you two members of the jury who shouted out, please stand up. (The two stand) I cannot have bias toward either the defendant or the prosecution, I am going to have to ask you both to stand down from the jury.

AURORA: (shouting to Moz) You can't do that you racist, it's because Hector is German isn't it?

MOZ: (addressing Aurora) This has got nothing to do with race, both of these two jury members have shouted out support for the defendant, which therefore shows bias against you.

HECTOR: I didn't mean to support Ratsback, I got confused.

AURORA: I insist Hector stays, and I also want Loughton Lil to stay, because he's a friend of Hector's, so when it comes down to the vote, he may vote for me, and if he doesn't, he is a racist.

LOUGHTON: I'm not a racist, I was going to vote for Ratsback but I don't want to be branded a racist, that's not fair.

MOZ: Welcome to my world.

(audience giggles)

GIRL ON BIKE: (shouting to Moz) Get your kit off.

(more audience giggles)

HEATHER CAT: (Gives Girl on bike a high 5 and then whispers to her) Nice one, Christ he's fit, I can't start to tell you what I'd like to do to him.

MOZ: I'm getting tired of all this now, and I'm meeting Boz in ten minutes for pain au raisin, so let's get on. You two juror members are dismissed. I'll replace Hector with Girl on bike, as she is German and

AURORA: (shouting) Racist!

MOZ: (to Aurora) What now? Who's a racist this time?

AURORA: You are, you needn't have drawn attention to the bike girl being German, that's racist.

MOZ: Dear God, please help me! Right, I am replacing Hector with Girl on bike, (turns to Aurora) whether you like it or not, (re-addressing the whole audience) and I am replacing London lad 'Loughton', with Manc lad 'Manc Lad'. Now let's get on. I call the prosecution, Miss Aurora Y Locura.
(Aurora enters the makeshift witness stand)
Are you Aurora?

AURORA: I'm not sure I like your tone.

MOZ: I'll take that as a yes. Now yesterday, on the blog known as FollowingtheMozziah, which may I add, despite the sycophantic author, is a mildly amusing read, you accused the defendant, a Mr Ratsback, of serious mental illness, poor parenting and racism, is this correct?

AURORA: I don't know why I'm even here, you are NOT Morrissey, but yes, I did make those accusations, he is a racist and you can tell from his blog that he is seriously, mentally ill, he even talks to himself in therapy sessions, honestly, he's potty, I'm surprised he hasn't been locked away.

MOZ: Well, Mr Ratsback has decided to drop the charges of mental illness and poor parenting, he has decided to just charge himself with racism.

AURORA: How can he drop the charges, he's the one on trial?

MOZ: Well in fairness, this is his blog, so he can do what he likes. To be honest, he could decide the outcome of this court case himself, but he has decided to take the evidence, and this current blog entry, back to twitter and let the members of the jury decide for real whether he is guilty or not.

STILLICLING: Objection your honour, I mean honor. I don't want to take sides, I like everybody on twitter.

MOZ: Objection over ruled, not that members of the jury are allowed to have objections! I'm afraid Miss Cling, life isn't that simple, you can't say you are friends with somebody like Mr Ratsback here, and then stand by and watch him accused of really hurtful allegations by another of your so called friends. I was following both Aurora and Hector Lector on twitter but when they accused me of racism, I un-followed them straight away, and I would hope that my true fans would do the same. I was pleased to see that faithful old Rats un-followed them both straight away.

RATSBACK: Yes I did my lord, although I have started re-following Hector because I want to see if he regrets his actions. You know, second chance and all that?

MOZ: (to Ratsback) Second chance? I don't really do second chances, but if you feel you must. Hector isn't a drummer is he?

RATSBACK: I have no idea my lord.

MOZ: Well if he is, I can't allow you to give him a second chance, just be warned. (re-addressing Stillicling) You will be asked to decide whether or not Ratsback is racist, and if you find that he is 'not', then it will be left to your conscience as to whether you wish to continue following a person who made such damning and hurtful allegations against somebody you call a friend. (addressing Aurora) Right, you can stand down, if anybody wants to read your evidence/allegations in full, they can go to the comments section on yesterday's blog.

AURORA: (to Moz) Racist (to Ratsback) Racist (to jury) Racists.

MOZ: I now call Ratsback. (Ratsback enters the dock) Is your name Ratsback?

RATSBACK: Yes your worship, I've touched your left knee you know? I understand you, I know your pain, I'm now even feeling your pain. I honestly believe we have a connection.

MOZ: You're not doing anything to help your mental illness case you know?

RATSBACK: Sorry sir, I was only joshing, surely people can tell when I'm joshing and when I'm serious?

MOZ: It would appear not. Let me tell you young man, it is a thin line with the old parody game, people don't know what is real and what is not. I've got it off to a fine art you know. Anyway, you have heard the allegations made against you, and you have, to your credit, decided to drop the charges against yourself about mental illness and poor parenting, however, you are charged with the very serious charge of racism, and don't go thinking that having oily skin is going to get you off the hook, racism comes in many shapes and sizes. What have you got to say for yourself?

RATSBACK: I find racism silly, almost too silly to discuss. It's beyond reason, makes no sense and is ludicrous. I've never heard a good argument in favour of racism.

MOZ: Hmm, wise words indeed Ratsback.

AURORA:(shouting) Racists, you're both racists.

MOZ: I've heard enough. I will now ask the jury to retire, and incidentally, does anyone here think that I should retire?

WHOLE PUB: (shouting) NO.

MOZ: I would now like the members of the jury to tweet a simple guilty or not guilty. I love you all, don't forget me. (Rips off shirt and tosses it to the crowd below. A big scrum ensues with everybody pulling at the shirt. Moz exits the pub).

AURORA: Get off the shirt you racists, it's mine.

WILLOUGHBY: You said you don't like him anymore.

AURORA: What's it got to do with you, I don't even follow you.

KRYSTAL: She's got a point though Aurora.

AURORA: I don't follow you either, so shut up.

GIRL WITHOUT: I do think you're being a little unreasonable Aurora.

AURORA: I don't follow you either, so button it, and let go of that shirt, it's mine I tell you, all mine.

HEATHER CAT: Aurora, you're starting to make yourself look silly with all these racist allegations and now the shirt thing.

AURORA: I don't follow you either, leave me alone, all of you, just leave me alone.

AIR RAID: Aurora, please, can you not see how ludicrous this all is?

AURORA: I don't follow you either, I can see what's going to happen here, you're all going to vote for that racist rat bastard, well go on then, see if I care, I know, I will always know, that whatever happens, he is racist, and what is more, if it is ever proven that Morrissey is behind MorrisseysWorld, then he's racist too, and in fact, even if the real Morrissey is found not guilty of being a racist in the High Court this summer, that doesn't mean he isn't a racist, it just means the evidence is wrong.

MANC LAD: That's a bit unfair isn't it?

AURORA: What's it got to do with you? I don't follow you anymore, ever since your racist comments towards me on twitter a few months ago. I might have guessed you'd be here with your racist friends. Go on, have the shirt, see if I care. (hands Manc The Mozziah's shirt)

MANC LAD: (to self) Result!


  1. Very well Rat! What can I say? You're my Rat, you're my soul! Keep writing, Aurora got her 15 minutes of celebrity! Aurora take a bow!

  2. This is class rat - Well written, funny & witty, worthy of the great man himself!

    My 25 years experience of working in mental health services tells me you have no worries about your mental health!

    You have a good heart & I don't doubt for a second your parenting skills. As for the racism allegations don't worry your furry little head about it. If you are - then I will have to change my plea also!

  3. Thank you for a clever and well-constructed piece my Ratty friend.
    I love all the elements that you've woven together.
    It is very funny as well.

  4. Excellent! Love your blog, Rat. I am a faithful reader/believer... still right here where I've always been.

  5. Well done, Rat! I always look forward to reading your blog everyday! Don't let anyone bring you down :)

  6. Thanks Rat! Best way to have a big laugh about it all! I know how hurt you must have felt, just like I did with the Broken saga... I suppose the difficulty is that we all write things and know what we mean but other people don't read it that way! Silly misunderstanding!


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