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Monday, 20 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 159 Monday 20th February 2012

(The scene is the first class department of Flight BAW247 from London Heathrow to Sao Paulo Brazil on Feb 19th 2012. The plane is somewhere above the Atlantic ocean. Morrissey is reclined in his seat.)

AIR HOSTESS: (holding a tray of drinks) Would you care for another Bucks Fizz sir?

MOZ: Thank you (looks at the hostesses name badge) Lydia, I think I'll have Jay Aston this time.(takes a drink from the tray).

LYDIA: *giggles*

MOZ: You really are too kind, I know full well you have no idea what I am on about, but your tittering is appreciated, now tell me Lydia, were you named after the song?

LYDIA: *giggles* I don't think so, was it one of your songs? One of the other crew members told me you used to be a singer.

MOZ: Used to be? How astute of them and how very true. I wonder when I stopped? Did I ever start?

LYDIA: *giggles* You are funny.

MOZ: (gently clutching & stroking his chin with thumb and index finger) Yes, it's been said, but on this occasion, it is of course, completely unwarranted. And in answer to your question, no, 'Lydia' was not one of my songs.
(Musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer enters from behind the curtain that separates first class from cattle class).

BOZ: What's not one of your songs?

LYDIA: Mr Morrissey was just asking if I'd been named after one of his songs.

BOZ: Is your name Margaret? (Morrissey & Boz laugh). 

LYDIA: *giggling, although of course, she has no idea why* No, it's Lydia.

BOZ: (to Moz)You've never written a song called Lydia, why are you asking if she was named after it? Are you feeling OK?, you look a little peaky.

MOZ: I didn't ask if she'd been named, oh, never mind, and as it happens, since you ask, and not that you care, NO, I am NOT feeling very well at all, in fact, I feel quite fluey.

BOZ: I feel a cancellation coming on, still, not a bad idea, cancel the first one or two of the scheduled gigs, let these South Americans know who's in charge eh?, you haven't lost it Moz, you haven't lost it.

MOZ: Do you think I like cancelling concerts Boz?, letting down all those thousands of people, who then hate me, and yet love me just that little bit more because of it? No, don't answer that Boz. Anyway, I'm glad you've come up here, I need to run a few things by you. (turning to Lydia) Is it Ok for Mr Bormann (Boz scowls) to be up here in first class?, I realise he shouldn't be, but I can assure you, I won't let him touch any of the free food or drink. I only need to speak to him for five minutes, and then I'll send him back to where he belongs.

LYDIA: Oh, I'm sure that'll be fine Mr Morrissey, and can I just ask something please?

MOZ: It's just Morrissey, no mister required, genders are so 1950's. You want an autograph? Yes of course, have you got a pen?

LYDIA: Well, actually, it wasn't that, although that would be very kind of you, no, I was just wondering, if 'YOU' didn't write the song, then who did?

MOZ: What song?

LYDIA: Lydia?

MOZ: Oh, I've no idea.

BOZ: Dean Friedman

MOZ: Yes, I knew that, thank you Boz.

LYDIA: Oh do excuse me, I'm needed on the flight deck (Lydia wanders off)

MOZ: (to Boz) Don't make it look as though you know more about 70's pop than I do, Lydia may have been '78, but I have the whole of that decade up here (touches his head) you know? Contrary to what I may or may not say in public, I didn't switch off after '77 and despite '78 and '79 being woeful years, I would still back myself to beat you hands down in any late 70's pop quiz, OK?

BOZ: Sorry Moz, it's just that you said that you had no idea.

MOZ: What one says one doesn't know, and what one actually knows, without saying, are two entirely different things Boz. Anyway, how do you think your fellow Pole Cats would feel, knowing that you can quote Dean Friedman trivia? It's not very 'street cred' for a man of your stature you know?

Boz: Well that's rich coming from a Eurovision fan.

Moz: Boz, one cannot, simply cannot, compare Dean Friedman to say, Monique Melsen, they are completely separate entities, it would be like comparing me to, well, you! Anyway, as you only have another (looks at watch) four minutes and twelve seconds, until I have you evicted from first class, shall we get on? I wouldn't want you staying up here too long, you may start to like it, and there are certainly no vacancies for back scrubbers like you in these parts. Now, the reason I called you up here Boz, is because I need to look ahead. I've managed to avoid all the public cries for twenty five year reunion tours of the various albums I recorded with my former band, although we do still have Strangeways to get past. (*stares out of the window as though mentally reminising*) It's a shame really, we never 'did' tour Strangeways, and it's the one reunion tour I may have given in to, (*snaps out of remenising*) but that c*nt Joyce still refuses to apologise, so bollocks to the lot of 'em. Sorry Boz, I'm rambling a bit, it's the flu, it's giving me fuzzy thoughts and I can smell funny things, I'm smelling Parma Violets at the moment, I used to love parma violets, and sherbet fountains, they're not the same anymore, they use plastic now instead of cardboard. *goes into another trance*

BOZ: Moz, you ok?

MOZ: I really could do with taking some pills, and my bloody ears haven't popped, they should've popped by now, do you think I'm ok Boz?, I've suffered with me old Britney's for years you know, I couldn't bear it if I went deaf, but it's inevitable I suppose, what with all that racket you lot make behind me every night, I always knew I'd go deaf, all in the name of art an' all, and do 'they' give a stuff about my suffering Boz? Do 'they' give two figs if I never again get to hear Nico, or The Dolls, or Rita? No! No, as soon as my singing days are over, I'll be forgotten, tossed on the scrap heap with all the old 45's. I keep telling 'em, I keep saying, 'You'll miss me when I'm gone', but they think it's just words Boz, they think I'm joking, well I'm not, I've seen it happen to all the big stars, you only get one crack at this game Boz me old son, and when it's gone, it's gone, and there ain't no coming back. Look at your old mate Adam Ant, I don't bear no malice toward him Boz, really I don't, but look at the poor s*d, (I've only used the * in sod because MW does, it's quite sweet) his voice has gone and he's playing church halls, I know I joke about the leisure centres Boz, but if the fans start to go, then I'm outta here too, I don't wanna outstay my welcome, which is what I want to talk to you about.

BOZ: Parma violets?

MOZ: No Boz, not parma violets, have you been listening to a word I've said? I bottle these things up you know, I go days and days not talking to anybody, but playing these conversations over and over inside my head. You see Boz, I spend a lot of time on the internet these days, I resisted it for years, but now it's become my best friend and it tells me so much. I've been watching you these past weeks, as you travel to Portugal with your new proteges The Raglans.

BOZ: They're Irish you know?

MOZ: Yes, yes I know. You say it as though the 'Irish' label will entitle them to a seal of approval, if anything Boz, it will act as a ball and chain around their throats. Where was I? You've put me off my stroke.

BOZ: Internet.

MOZ: Ah yes, as I was saying, I spend hours on the internet, what with all my twottering and blogging, I've really surprised myself, and talking of which, I wish you'd ask me before setting up things like twotter accounts, you do realise that I pretend to be you on there don't you?

BOZ: Yeah, sorry about that new twitter thingy, it wasn't my idea, my record label thought it would be a good idea to network, apparently everybody does it, apparently your mates Brand and Ross have got millions of followers, I've only got two hundred and eighty odd...

MOZ: (interrupting)Four.

BOZ: Sorry?

MOZ: Four, you have two hundred and eighty four and yes, I'm fully aware that 'everybody' uses it Boz, but none of them use it 'properly', they're all so 'obvious'. Anyway, if you 'must' use twotter, just make sure you don't go dropping me in it by mentioning my website, some of them will try and trip you up, so stay on your guard old son, stay on your guard. Listen, I'm afraid your time is up for now, and I haven't even started to talk to you about what I wanted to talk to you about. That's the thing when you're in the company of such a close friend, the minutes just fly by as the conversation flows, you can thank your lucky stars that I found you all those years ago Boz, when your career was going nowhere, you can thank your lucky stars.

BOZ: Dean Friedman.

MOZ: I see what you've done there Boz old son, sharp as a knife. *sings* Did you see Lisa?

BOZ: (singing) Yes I saw Lisa

MOZ: (singing) Is that why you're angry?

BOZ: (singing) I wasn't angry

MOZ: (singing) Maybe a little

BOZ: (singing) Not even maybe

MOZ: (singing) It must be this flight Boz

BOZ: (singing) Now don't be a baby

MOZ: (singing) Well how am I supposed to feel with all the things I don't reveal and you can thank your lucky stars that I saved your arse when you were not going far. *stops singing* Now off you trot old son, I'll call you back later.



  1. Love your latest offering Rats.
    Especially the Dean Friedman quotes, it was
    hilarious when Moz and Boz sang together at the
    Those of us at a certain age will certainly
    remember Dean and his cheesy lyrics.
    Thank you, great stuff !

  2. Dear Rat, in Rome, we use to say "Sei un taglio!" Obviously a positive comment...maybe like "You are so funny!"

    1. Dear Romina, I have just 'copy & pasted' your saying into google translate and it translates to 'Are you a cut'. Have I misread it, or have google lost your 'n'?
      Kind regards


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