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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 161 Wednesday 22nd February 2012

F*ck me, you'd think Chile was experiencing a presidential visit, what am I saying?, it's bigger than that, they're experiencing a Mozziah visit. Chilean TV & newspapers are full of The Mozziah's visit, it even made 'exclusive breaking news' on the wonderfully named 'Chilevision' tv station, and their camera's followed The Mozziah on a walkabout, which, instead of ending on Mount Olive, ended in a Pizza restaurant, where I believe, he ate 'no' olives, but instead settled on a cheese and tomato number. "Blessed are the cheese makers, for they shall inherit the earth" (no mention of the poor tomato pickers).

Of course, in the olden days, ie 'PT' - Pre Twitter, none of this news would have filtered back to these shores, and certainly not so quickly, but with twitter and Youtube, everything is now so instant, the world links up, which brings me on to my naivety of yesterday, in thinking that South Americans wouldn't be aware of MorrisseysWorld. Of course they are aware of it, and it isn't just '@rafasanhueza who has promised to throw a rose on Sunday, I yesterday asked another Chilean fan, '@FranciscaBabul', if she would be throwing either a red or white rose, and she replied, "Of course! I'll be in the first line!" I've suddenly got a feeling that 'Blue Rose' is going to take off, and when I say 'Blue Rose', that actually has nothing to do with the colour (color for you Yanks) of the rose, it is merely the name I have given to the secret MorrisseysWorld society, just like Oscar Wilde's 'Green Carnation'. Tomorrow I shall blog the entire history of 'Blue Rose'.

MorrisseysWorld remains open, and active, and yesterday, my own little blog was the subject of a fantastic parody piece. I am absolutely honoured (honored), and think this could only be trumped by either 'Trouble Loves Me' being played on the South American tour, or a dedication being given to the regulars of The Twitterdilly Arms. I showed my gratitude for the parody piece, by posting anonymously, calling myself "a sad case". I am parodying the parody, well at least I think I am, although to be honest, I think I probably 'am' a sad case, but what better way to spend your days being 'a sad case', than slumped in an armchair all day, reading and writing about The Mozziah, with the cricket on in the background while your whiskered wife bringing you cups of tea, whilst mumbling under her breath about you being a sad case? Oh the ironies, the ironies.

It has occurred to me, that with MorrisseysWorld staying both open and active, this could mean that full set lists will be posted on MW, therefore stopping the need to go to 'Morrissey So-Low' for our information. There is no reason for this not to happen, and if the likes of '@Rafa' & '@Francis' can be encouraged to post concert reviews on MW, then it really could start to replace So-Low. I, and many others, really don't want to have to go to So-Low to get concert news, it is the only reason I ever go there, so I just hope that MW will post set lists and news first. 
   Another article on MW yesterday, was about a 'Major TV Production Company Expressing An Interest In Purchasing The Rights to The MorrisseysWorld Sitcom.' Now, if that were to be true, it would be hilarious, although it may have a very limited audience, I somehow don't think I would be able to persuade Mrs Whiskers to watch it, well not unless Barry Manilow manages to get a part!

'@MW' appeared back on twitter yesterday, well after all, what else can one do to pass the time in Chile?, you can't spend all day, every day, just chomping pizzas. '@MW' spent time encouraging Chilean fans to throw their roses, and tomorrow, I will post them all the story of 'Blue Rose'. Also on twitter, we have lost '@JodyRoad', who's account has been closed. Was it Rusty Brind? Was it Troy from Chicago? Was it The Mozziah himself? We will probably never know. And as Jody disappears, '@dotdotdotpause' re-appears. The person that I previously nicknamed 'The Spirit of Nico' has returned to twitter and is now following a number of the Twit Arms regulars. Who is this mystery dotty person?
   
The funniest tweet of yesterday came from '@PapaSonsFilm', aka Marcus Markou, who when referring to the dreadful Brit Awards ceremony that was on TV yesterday, tweeted, "The Eurovision song contest has really upped its game this year. Great to see Corden replace Wogan." That Markou fella is a very funny man, and I am really looking forward to meeting him tomorrow, at the screening of his new film 'Papadopoulos & Sons', which I'm hoping, is going to be hilarious, I'm sure it will be.

And now for some parody:



(The scene is the indoor swimming pool of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Santiago Chile. It is present day. The Mozziah is relaxing inside a specially erected, luxury gazebo & pagoda tent, which has a large flat screen tv, a bed, a table with fresh fruit and a personal man 'who does', standing outside the tent. The members of The Mozziah's band are wearing speedo trunks and are reclining on the uncomfortable plasticy sunlounger thingies, at the opposite end of the pool (apologies to the Ritz Carlton, I know you don't really have those, but it doesn't create the same picture if they are on your nice wooden ones!) Boz Boorer enters the luxury gazebo, he is wearing baggy surfer shorts.)

MOZ: Did you knock?

BOZ: Knock? It's canvas.

MOZ: Then ring a bell.

BOZ: I haven't got one.

MOZ: You're supposed to be my musical director, what sort of musical director doesn't have a bell?

BOZ: I've got a triangle.

MOZ: How very Mike Oldfield of you, well it'll have to do. Go on then, tinkle your triangle.

BOZ: I haven't got it with me, it's with all the other instruments, I just meant, I've got one.

MOZ: (licks upper lip) This is ridiculous, there'll be a fine attached to this Boz, I can't let the rest of the team see you so poorly prepared, it sends out the wrong message. Here, borrow my bell (picks up a small hand bell that is used for summoning the 'man who does' and passes it to Boz) Now go back outside & ring it. (Boz goes back out & rings the bell)
MOZ:(shouting to the 'man who does') Rafa, who's ringing for me?

RAFA(The man who does): Eet eez a well fed ingleesh man.

BOZ: Well fed? I'll feed you to the f*cking fishes in a minute, you cheeky c*nt.

 MOZ: Boz, stop causing a scene and come in. (Boz re-enters the tent) And where are your speedos? Have you not read the manual I had specially prepared for you all? Page 16, paragraph four, "All band members will wear speedos when lounging by the pool, and may be required to wear them onstage, at the discretion of the artiste Morrissey". Well, never mind, I'll add it to the tour fines, your list is growing my the minute old son, and we've only been here a day. Anyway, thanks for popping over, I was hoping to talk to you last week, when you arrived back from Portugal or Austria, or wherever it was you went, but certain events took over and I just didn't have the time.

BOZ: I went to both actually Moz, it was Portugal first with The Raglans and then onto Austria where I filmed the video for my new single 'Slippery Forces'.

MOZ: Yes, yes, I know, I've seen the 'teaser'(does the inverted comma signs with his fingers) on Youtube. 283 hits in a week Boz, it's hardly up there with the millions who viewed 'my' Christmas TV advert you know?, having said that, my superb blog site, that incidentally has some of the best pieces of parody you are ever likely to read, anywhere in the world, ever, receives so few comments, it hardly feels worth the effort at times. Do you know Boz, I spend hour upon hour writing that stuff, and when I've read it through, and then re read it, and then re read it again, I click the old orange 'publish' button, and then sit back awaiting the accolades, and do they come? Do they 'eckers like. I get old rat face fawning all over me, the German bike woman moaning about it all getting a bit boring, the odd anonymous comment saying how wonderful it all is

BOZ: (interrupting) I thought you wrote those anonymous ones?

MOZ: (snarling)Not all of them, no! (continuing in previous mode) And then, however much I've checked and rechecked, there's still one of those cat women picking up on a grammatical mistake or a misspell. No mention of my comic genius, just that I've missed out an inverted comma or a semi colon, c*nts, I'd rather not know. If one doesn't know, it cannot hurt, but if somebody points out a mistake, it doesn't matter how good the piece is, it ruins it for me, absolutely ruins it Boz. Anyway, you've pulled me off topic again old son, what were we talking about? Oh yes, you on Youtube, wearing those ridiculous glasses. You don't wear glasses when you play with me Boz, so why on earth are you wearing them on Youtube? It's just as well you've had no viewers, you look like Harry f*cking Hill. If you're intention was to look more sophisticated, then you missed the mark old son, you look more 'Happy Hippo' than 'Happy Martyr', I hope you're not losing sight of your rockabilly roots me old mucker, it's all looking a bit Marks & Sparks to me, you're just one knitted jumper away from being the next 'man at C&A'. The next Polecats tour will need cutting edge, not cutting hedge, we can't let old age take over Boz, we have to fight it, tooth and nail, it'll be glasses today, pipe and slippers tomorrow, there's no falling into the comfy old armchair Boz, not in the rock n roll game. You won't see me wearing me bins in public, it's lenses all the way Boz, and would you ever see Iggy, stripped to the waist, all rock n roll skin and bone, with a pair of national healthies parked on the end of his beak?, no, of course not, it would ruin the whole look. It's all about style Boz, we're artists, we are human works of art. Look, you've distracted me yet again. I had a whole conversation like this with you on the plane coming over, and then I realised you weren't even on my flight, I'd been talking to myself, hallucinating, and I vaguely recollect dueting Dean Friedman's 'Lucky Stars' with a trolly dolly called Lydia, who apparently lives just outside Hemel Hemstead in a three bed, 1970's semi, with her husband Trevor. Where were you by the way, why weren't you on my flight?

BOZ: (looking slightly puzzled) You wouldn't let any of us fly with you, you said something about the Monarch never travelling with the heir, I don't think you've been very well Moz. By the way, did you listen to my 'Slippery Forces' song on the plane over?, I put it on your iphone for you.

MOZ: Is that what that sh...? Er, yes, yes, it sounds great Boz, really great, you've done well there old son, really captured a mood. And I didn't mention anything about the Monarch and heir, I was trying to find out if it would be cheaper flying 'Monarch Air', there is no heir to my throne Boz, when I check out, that'll be it for the old rock n roll game, unless of course young Bieber steps up to the plate, I've got high hopes for him, he understands not only the commercial side, but he gets the parody too, yes, there may still be hope yet for a successful heir to me crown Boz. Now, all this talk of your new solo career and a new Polecats tour, it leads me on to 'us' Boz. I'll be honest me old mucker,(gives Boz a friendly punch to the chest) the reason I've been encouraging you to explore new avenues is because it had always been my intention to re-unite The Smiths, do the Strangeways tour that we never did, but as time goes by, I'm finding that I just can't be bothered. Don't get me wrong, the money I could earn would make me a very rich man Boz, but I'd be forced to let the two lawnmower parts earn something from it, and frankly, that would break my heart, plus, I've got enough money, I can't spend the millions I've already made, let alone any more, it's like living a real life 'Brewsters Million's'.

BOZ: (interrupting) I'll have some if you don't want it.

MOZ: Don't be crass Boz, nobody ever enjoys having money given to them. Money is only enjoyable if you've earned it, but then of course, when you have earned it, you have this absolute fear of losing it. It only takes one bent judge or a leach of a drummer, and it can disappear overnight you know. It's a horrible feeling Boz, when you see your hard earned cash slipping through your fingers into the murky waters of the Thames.

BOZ: I think you've got real life mixed up with Oliver Twist Moz.

MOZ: We are all just one concert away from being a Fagin Boz. One minute, all's going swimmingly and everybody's dancing to your tune, and the next (snaps fingers) it's all gone.

BOZ: Are you sure you're feeling ok Moz, are you sure you're up for this tour?

MOZ: Never felt better old son, we have to make hay and all that, which is what I keep trying to talk to you about. Look, now that I've put this Smiths reunion thing to bed, me and you need to make plans. I know you've got your little projects, like you're Raglings and your Happy Monday

BOZ: Martyr

MOZ: (not listening) which is all well and good, but we need focus for 'Morrissey', and I don't mean me, Morrissey, I mean the band 'Morrissey'. This South American tour is costing me an absolute arm and a leg Boz, if I'm honest, it's virtually cleared me out, but I thought we were going out with a bang and I'd figured I'd recoup it all with The Smiths thing, but now that's not happening, we need to make cut backs Boz, you're gonna have to trim back the band if we're to do another UK tour, you do want to do another UK tour don't you Boz?

BOZ: Yes, but

MOZ: It's just gonna be me and you kid, and no more of the up tempo songs, just the slowies from here on in, we're no spring chickens Boz, we should be thinking about pipes and slippers, but the show must go on. No more stripping though, no more women's clothing, no more speedos, and no more stage invaders, it's time to wind down a bit, just you, me and a drum machine. Nice and relaxed.

BOZ: I thought you liked the stage invaders Moz?

MOZ: I don't know where that myth ever came from, I can't stand the greasy c*nts, yanking me this way and that, slobbering all over me, messing the old barnet, stealing my limelight, they're a danger to me Boz, why do you think I have such heavy handed security?

BOZ: You're always criticising the security.

MOZ: Only so the fans think I'm on their side Boz, it's all smoke and mirrors. I love those security guys, some of them are like best friends to me, especially on these foreign tours, when you lot all disappear out on the town without me.

BOZ: Sorry Moz, I didn't realise, I'll stop whacking them with my guitar, I honestly never knew.

MOZ: Oh don't worry about the whacking, they like a bit of roughty toughty, it's what they signed up for. I made really good friends with my personal security guy in Mexico you know, lovely fella he was, we spent hours and hours just chewing the fat. I can't remember his name mind, come to think of it, I don't think I asked it, I just called him 'Big Gun', cos he wore a Guns n Roses sweat shirt most of the time. Well, I say most of the time, I never saw him in anything else if I'm honest, and after a while, he started to whiff a bit, so I offered him one of those 'Years of Refusal' hoodies, we've still got boxes and boxes of them in your lock up you know, I knew I shouldn't have left you in charge of the ordering.

BOZ: You said hoodies were all the rage and all your fans would want one.

MOZ: Now now Boz, don't try and wriggle, we've been over this a million times, I was the one who said that no fan of mine would be seen dead in a hoodie, it was you and Jesse who convinced me otherwise, and look at the mess it left you in? Anyway, as I was saying, old 'Big Gun' seemed over the moon with his 'Refusal' hoodie, but then things got awkward when I asked him for the thirty bucks for it, the silly man had gotten it into his head, for some reason, that it was a gift.

BOZ: (wincing) He certainly didn't know you very well did he Moz?

MOZ: I'm not sure what you mean by that Boz, but the c*nt refused to pay and wouldn't take the hoodie off  either. Stupid really, he'd obviously forgotten I paid his wages, so I just underpaid him by 100 dollars at the end of the tour. I've heard nothing more of it, so I guess I had the last laugh, but it left a sour taste Boz, we were genuine mates up until 'Hoodiegate'. Anyway, once again you've led me off track, I was talking about the future. The future is just 'you' and 'me', so I want you to go and tell the rest of the band that they won't be needed after this tour. Go gently Boz, they're not going to like it.

BOZ: They'll be gutted Moz, and what's more, even with just the slower numbers, we'll need a piano player and we can't use a drum machine, we'll look right twats.

MOZ:(licks top lip) Hmm, you may have a point there Boz, I'll tell you what, you tell them they're no longer required, but if they'd like to come and play with us still, on a voluntary basis you understand, then I'll let them. It's win win for everybody that way, because they get to remain playing with the best artiste in the world, and I get to save money on wages, PAYE, NIC, employer's liability insurance, hotel bills, food, travel etc etc etc. You've come up with a cracking idea there Boz old son, you'd better go and let them know, they'll be excited. (Boz heads towards the sunbeds at the other end of the pool) Oh and Boz, (Boz walks back to Moz) I want to bring 'Dear God' and a few of the other big string numbers back into the set, but we can't afford a big orchestra, that's far too expensive, so I've enrolled you and the others on a violin learning course. (hands Boz some leaflets entitled 'Learn the Violin in a Month') Don't worry about giving me the money for it now, I'll take it out of your wages, but the other four will have to pay cash up front, if you could let me have it by Friday, that would be great. (Boz starts to walk off slowly) Oh and Boz, you and your musicians haven't been selling fake t shirts again have you? I found one of my fans wearing this (holds up a Morrissey t shirt and reads the label) 'Bravado' number. This 'Bravado' company has nothing to do with you Boz, does it?

BOZ: (looking insulted) No Moz, that was all just a big misunderstanding last time, them t shirts I'd had made up were supposed to be for my fans, I don't know how your face got on 'em. This Bravado lot are nothing to do with me, honest.

MOZ: Hmm, it must be that c*nt Joyce again. Very well Boz, off you pop, I'll see you on stage Friday.

4 comments:

  1. Rat, you are a fine blogger! I truly hoping that your new friends will be brave enough to throw the roses on the stage!

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  2. Superb! I feel quite spoilt getting such great entertainment every day!

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  3. It's Moz mania in Chile!
    Great job, Rat. Very funny, as always!

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  4. Once again, too funny and pure comedic genius!

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