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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 167 Tuesday 28th February 2012

(The scene is back stage of the Vina del Mar Festival in Chile - Friday 24th Feb 2012. The festival is running late and the festival's general director, Pablo Morales is talking to his  deputy, 'Juan')

PABLO (please read in a thick Spanish accent): Juan, I have a leetle job for you to do. Tonight's show is running a beet behind schedule and I need you to go and tell the Engleesh band that they will be going on stage later than planned. Be warned Juan, that Morr-ee-see, he can be a beet of a diver, but don't take none of hees shit, you tell heem straight, ok?

JUAN (also to be read in thick Spanish accent): But why must I go Pablo? Why don't you tell the diver that hees got to go on later?

PABLO: I have had eet up to 'ere(touches the underneath of his chin) with these divers, did you not 'ear of the demands of Luis Miguel? He insisteed on 120 towels and farking oxygen tanks. Farking Mexican cant. One million dollars we have paid to Miguel to appear at our festival, you would theenk he could afford his own farking towels, and what can he possibly need 120 of them for?  These preeks just make these demands because they theenk they are so important, well I say sheet to them Juan, they can all go fark themselves, now off you go, and remember, take no sheet from that Morr-ee-see.

(Juan wanders off to the dressing room area and sees a door with a scrappy piece of paper blue tacked to it, which reads 'Morrissey's Band'. Juan walks straight in.)

JUAN (don't forget to keep reading in Spanish accent): Which one of you is the bozz man?

BOZ: Bosman? Wasn't he the Belgium footballer who got the ruling on free transfers for all professional footballers out of contract? (starts to laugh and looks around for other band members to join in the laughter, but remembers all of the band members are foreign and they don't get his joke. There is no laughter.) (Mutters under his breath) The sooner I get back with the Polecats the better.

JUAN: (to Boz) Hey, beeg guy, are you the bozz man?

BOZ: Big guy? You cheeky c*nt, this is all muscle you know. Yeah, I'm Boz, what do you want?

JUAN: I have to say, I am surprised, I expected Morr-ee-see to be sleemer and with more 'air.

BOZ: I'm not Moz you daft twat, I'm Boz.

JUAN: You said that you were the bozz.

BOZ: I am, but you just said you wanted the Moz.

JUAN: No I didn't, I 'aven't mentioned no Moz, I asked for the bozz and you said that you were een charge. Are you the bozz man, or aren't you?

BOZ: Wasn't Bosman the Belgium footballer who....oh never mind. What is it you want?

JUAN: Thees festival ees running a leetle bit late, you will not be going on stage until after 1am, I thought I would just let you know, and before you start to give me any of your sheet, I will not take any, ok?

BOZ: (purses lips together and sucks in air, just like a builder does when giving an estimate) Oooo. The boss ain't gonna like that, I don't envy you telling him.

JUAN: Telling who, what?

BOZ: Telling the boss about going on stage late, between me and you, he can be a bit of a diva. Good luck.

JUAN: What are you on about, you said that you were the bozz?

BOZ: No, I said I'm Boz, you need to speak to Morrissey.

JUAN: I do not understand you eengleesh. Well where ees Morr-ee-see?

BOZ: Well certainly not in here, he's in his own personal dressing room at the end of the corridor. As I say (looks at Juan's name badge) Juan, me old son, good luck in there, you're gonna need it.

(Juan walks to the end of the corridor where a big gold star is on the door, along with a properly printed placard that reads, 'STAR OF THE VINA DEL MAR FESTIVAL 2012 - MORRISSEY'. The sound of Elvis Presley singing 'If I Can Dream' can be heard blaring out with Morrissey singing along. Juan enters, without knocking and sees a huge flat screen tv on the wall with Elvis's '68 Comeback Special' dvd playing. Morrissey is dressed in black pvc trousers and jacket, the jacket is undone, revealing a bare chest. Morrissey is standing in the mirror looking at himself, and has the word 'DREAM' written on his chest in black marker pen. He is still singing at the top of his voice and hasn't noticed Juan enter the room.)

MOZ: (singing, with his eyes tightly closed, into his hairbrush) "While I can think, while I can walk, while I can stand, while I can talk (opens eyes and sees Juan standing there looking at him. He stops singing and presses pause on the dvd player) (to Juan) Enjoying the view?

JUAN: (flushes) Er, yes, I mean, er, (coughs nervously) ahem, I am sorry to intrude, and by the way, you 'ave an incredible voice.

MOZ: Yes, it's been said. Not bad for a man in his mid forties eh? Now, despite your lack of basic manners and decorum, viz a viz, knocking the door before entering, I have decided not to have you immediately removed from my dressing room and subsequently dismissed from whatever position it is that you hold within this establishment, because I rather like your gait!

JUAN: Que?

MOZ: You walk well, and what is more, you have nice square shoulders. You do not slouch, so many people slouch these days, and if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's a sloucher. Now, what can I do for you (looks at Juan's name badge) Juan?

JUAN: Are you the Bozz man? Eets just that I asked a man a minute ago if he was the bozz man and he said that he was, but I think he was just having, how you eengleesh say, a pull of my leg, because he wasn't the bozz at all.

MOZ: You have arrived at the correct stop Juan, now despite my initial pleasure at seeing your gait, I am now tiring of you and have preparations to make for my 'top of the bill' performance tonight, I presume you will be watching?

JUAN: Yes, I am very much looking forward to eet, I am told that you take off your shirt and then toss eet off into the audience, I will try to stand in front of you as you do your toss. What 'ave you written on your chest senor?

MOZ: Not that it is any of your business, but I am trying out some body art.(looks at self in mirror) I cannot decide what to write. First of all I wrote 'Come Armageddon', but that didn't seem right, so then I wrote 'DEAD' and now Elvis has inspired me to write 'DREAM'. I wanted to write something for the people of Chile, (turns back to Juan) you are all such lovely people. Now, I really must get on, so I must bid you goodnight.

JUAN: Yes, no problem, I just popped in to say that the festival is running a leetle beet late and you will be going on after 1am now.

(Morrissey is quiet for a moment or two.)

MOZ: Ok, thank you for letting me know. Could you please just pass that bag over ?(points to a bag)

JUAN: Yes of course, (passes bag) and can I just say, thank you very much for being so understanding. Some people had told me that you could be a beet of a diver and that you would not be happy. The beeg Boz man, he even did the suck of the air, just like the builder does when he gives the estimate, and he say to me, (adopts cockney accent) "Good luck in there Juan, me old son, you're gonna need it". (back to normal Spanish accent) He obviously doesn't know you as well as he thought eh?

MOZ: (packing away all his stuff into his bag) Oh he knows me pretty well. Could you just pass me my coat, it's hanging on the back of the door?(points to back of door)

JUAN: Yes, this is no problem (collects coat and passes it to Morrissey, who puts it on). Why are you putting on your coat, it is not cold in here?

MOZ: It will be outside though, I don't want to catch a cold you know.

JUAN: Why are you going outside?

MOZ: I'm off back to the Ritz Carlton Juan (adopts cockney accent) me old son.

JUAN: But you have a show to do.

MOZ: Not anymore Juan. If you refer to your copy of the contract, you will see that item sixteen, subsection three, clearly states that I must go on stage before 1am, and as you have just informed me that I am no longer going to be going on stage before 'Juan' am, you are in breach of contract. Do you know Juan, I moan about these lawyers bills, but it's at times like these, they're worth every penny. I look forward to receiving my payment in full, and now I really must bid you goodnight, if I hurry, I may get back to the hotel before the entertainment's finished, I believe they've got a 'Contortionist 60's tribute act' on tonight, called 'Bend Me, Shape Me', if truth be known, I was distraught that I was going to miss them.

JUAN: Senor Morr-ee-see, there 'as been a dreadful mishunderstanding, you cannot just leave, the whole of Chile is waiting to watch you on television.

MOZ: (removing his coat) Then I suggest Juan, that rather than try and tinker with your star attraction, who incidentally has scheduled a whole South American tour around your poxy festival, you go and cut short one or two of your lesser known 'local' acts, and get me on stage prior, to one f*cking am. Comprende?

JUAN: But we would have to cancel the semi finals of the competition.

MOZ: This ain't the Champions league Juan, it's a back street folk festival.

JUAN: Is there no compromise?

MOZ: If we didn't have timings written into contracts, we'd have all sorts of anarchy. What would stop me from deciding to go on stage at 4pm or you insisting I go on at 4am?  A contract is a contract Juan. The decision is yours, either I go on stage at the stipulated time, or I don't go on at all, and while we're having this conversation, just to let you know, that as you have caused me 'undue stress' by mentioning a possible change to the schedule, I will now be dropping three songs, of my choice, from the set list, as stated in section twenty eight of the contract, subsection 3a. I will decide during the set which three of my gems to leave out, but if you think for one minute that you'll be getting The Smiths classic, 'Still Ill', you can think again. (Morrissey turns to the mirror and starts to remove the word 'dream' from his chest with a wet wipe.) And what is more, my gift of body art to the people of Chile has just gone out of the window, I will wait until I am in Argentina, and give them the gift instead. Perhaps I will draw some musical notes and a boxing glove, hmm, I like that, Elvis would have approved. (looks back towards Juan) Are you still here? I suggest you go and sort out your festival Juan, and don't for one minute try and get somebody to present me with an award, awards are completely meaningless, unless they are Ivor Novello's, and I already have one of those. (walks Juan to the door) Off you trot, and by the way, when you get a mo, I want a hundred and twenty one towels delivered to my room and some krispy kreme doughnuts. (shuts door, picks up hairbrush and puts Elvis back on. Looks back in the mirror and sings, "While I can dreammmmm, please let my dreammmm, come true, oh oh oh, right nowwwwww, oh let it come true right nowwwwww, oh yeah."



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  1. 120 WHITE towels, if you please! Lol
    You couldn't make it up, could you?!

    Thanks again TRB - excellent!

  2. Am I the only one who comments on here? It's not that difficult people!

  3. Only one word comes to mind after reading this...Brilliant!!


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