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Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 174 Tuesday 6th March 2012

(The setting is The Twitterdilly Arms, it is present day. All twitter followers and other fans of Morrissey are gathered for a Kangeroo court session, every available seat is taken, both upstairs and down. Stood in the dock is a man with a brown paper bag on his head. He is dressed in black trousers, with what appears to be a piece of string as a belt. He is also wearing a blue shirt and a blue plaster on the index finger of his right hand. He is about 5' 11" tall and of slim build (particularly, for a man of his age!) The judge, on the basis of seniority in years, is the 'Right Dishonourable MancLadMozFan'.)

STILL I CLING: (whispering to Rosy Mires) I have to say Rosy, that doesn't half look like Moz.

ROSY MIRES: (whispering to Stillicling) It's just a look-a-like, the face will be nothing like his.

MANC: (In the absence of a gavel, bangs his beer bottle on the bar.) Quiet please everybody, I am now bringing this court to order. (Addressing the man in the dock) We are gathered here today, to find out, once and for all, if you are the man you claim to both be, and not be, that is to say, Morrissey. The prosecution will try to prove that not only are you the person behind MorrisseysWorld, but you are also in fact, Morrissey. (There are gasps around the court/pub) The defence will try to prove that Morrissey has nothing what so ever to do with MorrisseysWorld. How do you plea?

ACCUSED: I have nothing to declare but my nemesis.
(There are gasps all around the court/pub.)

LIZZY CAT: (whispering to Girl Without) He's misquoted Wilde, it's not him!

GIRL WITHOUT: (whispering to Lizzy) He's done it on purpose, he's given it his own twist, it's him!

STILL I CLING: (whispering to Rosy Mires) Did you hear his voice? It didn't half sound like Moz!

ROSY: (whispering to Stilli) It's just a sound-a-like!

MANC: (addressing the court/pub) Leading the case for the prosecution, are the three people who have been most vocal in trying to persuade everybody that Morrissey is behind MorrisseysWorld. May I firstly present Jon, also known as ConMorrisseyTheorist, (there is a polite ripple of applause from the gallery and Jon waves). Secondly I present the person known to you all as 'Morrissey Fan Number 1', responsible for writing the blog 'MorrisseysworldisMoz' (again polite ripple of applause and IsMoz smiles). Thirdly, the most vocal, the one who on a daily basis thrusts their thoughts on us, it is the author of 'FollowingtheMozziah', The Rat (another ripple of applause).

AIR RAID: (shouting from gallery) I LOVE YOU RAT.

CATERITA: (shouting in Italian/Sophia Loren accent) I LOVE YOU TOO RAT, BUT I WON'T SHARE YOU, JUST DON'T TELL MY 'USBAND. (Caterita then leaves the court as she has cleaning to do)

RAT: Thanks girls. (waves to various people in the court/pub)

GIRL ON BIKE(GOB): (to Rat) Why don't you shut up? You always think this is all about you, don't you? You're a bit too full of yourself, everyone thinks so, and don't start telling us what to think ok! (to Judge Manc) Why does 'he' (points at Rat) have to have a major part in this?, I should get a main part, I've been in The Sun you know!

MANC: (to Gob) You have got a major part you daft mare, you're leading the case for the defence.

GOB: Well that's all right then, but hold on, that means I don't think it's Moz.

MANC:(to Gob) Well do you or don't you? You don't have a rose on your twitter profile, so presumably you don't think it is him?

GOB:(to Manc) I never said that, you're mis-quoting me, everybody's always twisting my words and anyway, you haven't got a rose on your twitter either.

MANC: That's because I'm undecided too, which is why I am the judge. I think I believe it's Morrissey, but then when I see the likes of Boz Boorer up close in a pub, I think, there is just no way he'd be involved with any of this nonsense, he's far too rock n roll, but then I see him on stage in a dress and I think, well maybe he 'has' got a sense of humour, and maybe he is involved. I just can't decide, which incidentally, is why we are here today. I now call on 'IsMoz' to present a case for the prosecution.

ISMOZ: If anybody would care to read my blog, all the information is there in full www.morrisseysworldismoz.blogsite.com.

MANC: We're not here for blatant advertising IsMoz, please give us a summary of your main points.

ISMOZ: Well, I started writing my blog on September 12th. I'd read two denials on True-To-You.net that Morrissey had anything to do with MorrisseysWorld, which seemed rather strange because MorrisseysWorld hadn't been mentioned anywhere, and I do mean anywhere. Not on morrissey-solo.com, which has all the fan news, not on Somedizzywhore.com, nowhere! Nobody had ever mentioned MorrisseysWorld, and yet here was Morrissey's official website, publicising it. Obviously, because it was a denial, I ignored MorrisseysWorld, but when a second denial came on TTY, in the same press release as an announcement about a new US tour, I actually took the time to read MorrisseysWorld, and unbelievably, I found that it had predicted the announcement of a US tour! I couldn't believe it, I was so excited, this meant that Morrissey was behind MorrisseysWorld. At this point, I presumed every Morrissey fan would think the same, but over the next few weeks, as it was discussed on So-lo forums, everybody dismissed it. I couldn't believe it, which is why I started my blog, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. On September 14th, I noticed that all twitter accounts claiming to be Morrissey had been closed down, for example, @themozzer, but '@morrisseysworld' hadn't been closed down.

MANC: Look IsMoz, if we let you go through every article on your blog, we'll be here all day, may I suggest people go and read it for themselves. ConMorrisseyTheorist, what do you wish to say?

CONMOZ: I'd like to remind the court about MorrisseysWorld's predictions that have all come true. MW promised Morrissey would strip at The Palladium, when he hadn't stripped in the whole tour. He did. As IsMoz said, MW announced the US tour two days before the official Morrissey website. MW posts a strange picture of famous people posing with their hands cupped around their eyes and then Morrissey does it on the Conan tv show. On December 25th MW tweets that 'Years of Refusal' is his greatest album and the following day this is repeated on TTY. MW tweets that he may play in Argentina, and just days later, TTY announces dates in Argentina. MW tweets mentioning the Falkland islands and an hour later, Morrissey makes his infamous speech about them on stage. MW tweets that a surprise is coming in tonight's concert and then the band come on stage in black bras. The list goes on and on and on.

MANC: Mr Rats Back, have you anything to add?

RAT: Not really you're Mancness, my blog says it all. There is just so, so much evidence, I am beyond bewilderment. How can people really, really not see that Morrissey is MorrisseysWorld? We are so lucky to be having this whole experience, and I am so pleased that the media haven't picked up on it yet. Not only is it fun, but we have all gotten to find out so much about Morrissey. He is no longer the unapproachable diver, sorry, diva, we all thought he was, he has shown us he is the wittiest person we are ever likely to meet, or not meet, as the case may be, and that he can happily parody himself, whilst still retaining his causticness.

HEATHER CAT: (whispering to Willoughby, Krystal & Cathy) That's not a proper word.

RAT: The only things I'd like to add to the evidence already given by IsBoz, sorry, I mean IsMoz and ConMorrisseyTheorist, is that, following the first Twitterdilly Top 10 on Tuesday 10th January, two hours later, TTY produced Morrissey's very own top 10.

LOUGHTON LIL: (whispering to Rutger) This is great, it's like Judge Judy and 'Crown Court' rolled into one.

RUTGER: (whispering to Rutger) What's 'Crown Court'?

LOUGHTON: (whispering to Rutger) Oh, it's just an old Granada tv programme from the 70's.

RUTGER: (whispering) Thanks, I'll look it up.

RAT: Also, Morrissey's support act, Kristeen Young has been tweeting MorrisseysWorld, as has official Boz Boorer. MW tweeted about the immaculate conception and two days ago, Morrissey wore a t-shirt with immaculate conception written on it. The list goes on and on and on.

MANC: Well Ms Girl On Bike, it's your turn now, but I have to confess, having listened to all the co-incidences, I think I've already made up my mind, it's GOT to be Morrissey, hasn't it?

G.O.B: That's what 'he' (points at Rat) wants everybody to think, he wants everybody to think it's Morrissey, but we all know that it's him behind MorrisseysWorld, it's so obvious that it's sad.

RAT: Do you know what, I confess, it's me, you've worked me out, congratulations, it ends here.

(gasps from the gallery)

UNCLE SKINNY: (shouting) Wanky, bollocky, fuck turd.

CRYSTAL GEEZER: (laughing sycophantically) Oh Skinny, you're the greatest, that's the best thing I've heard all day.

MME: (to Rosy) I'm shocked, it's been Rat all along.

ROSY: (to Mme) No, no it's not (In raised voice to whole court, which is still buzzing with the news) This is all wrong, it isn't the rat, it can't be.

G.O.B: What are you saying? You're supposed to be on our side, you don't wear a rose anymore, you don't believe it's Morrissey behind MW, what are you up to? (Rosy fights her way through the crowd to the witness box (just an area divided off with a couple of tables really))

ROSY: Let's be logical about this, how could Rat possibly have predicted the strip, the US tour, the Argentina tour, the Falklands quote, the band in drag, the Years of Refusal announcement etcetera, etcetera, etcetera? It's impossible, it can't be him, these are more than co-incidences, an Argentinian tour isn't the result of a co-incidence, the person behind MorrisseysWorld 'has' to be somebody Moz knows.

G.OB: Or even if Moz doesn't know them, he's reading the MorrisseysWorld predictions, whether they are by Rat or somebody else, and making them come true!

ROSY: Yep, but I'm telling you, it's definitely not Rat.

G.O.B: Well, if you say so, but it definitely isn't Moz either, he's merely carrying out the predictions.

LOUGHTON LIL: Hold on, some random fan predicts Morrissey will tour Argentina, so Morrissey books concerts in Argentina just to make it come true?

G.O.B: Er, yeah.

LOUGHTON: 'REALLY'?

G.O.B: Well that one really might have just been co-incidence, but the Years of Refusal one, immaculate conception and ESPECIALLY THE EYES THING ON CONAN, he's just making the blog predictions come true. (to Judge Manc) I think you'll find I've won, big mouth rat has failed to convince us that Moz writes MorrisseysWorld, he just reads it.

STILL I CLING: (to Rosy) What genius 'does' write it then if it's not Moz?

ROSY: (to Stilli) Stick with me kid, we'll find out one day.

MANC: (bangs beer bottle on bar) Order, order. I think we can fairly say, Morrissey may not be behind MorrisseysWorld, but he reads it and acts out predictions on it, I therefore declare this case clo.....

MARCUS MARKOU: (raised voice) Hold up, can I say something?

MANC: Sure, but who are you?

MARCUS: Quite a few people in here follow me on twitter, I'm '@PapaSonsFilm', Moz follows me. I've been listening to all of you and it would appear that you all agree, Morrissey reads MW and acts on predictions, but you've overlooked something.

MANC: Go on.

MARCUS: Morrissey last week told a Brazilian magazine that MorrissysWorld was 'dangerous' and 'causes him problems.'

G.O.B: You're right, well done for remembering, that proves it.

MARCUS: But you've all just come to the only logical conclusion possible, that he is reading (puts hands around eyes like the Conan pose) and endorsing the site. That 'dangerous' comment doesn't prove that he hates MW, it proves the exact opposite, there is no logical explanation other than, HE IS MW.

(The man in the dock suddenly starts to sing)

ACCUSED: (singing) But then, you open your eyes, and you see someone that you facially despise (rips off brown paper bag, revealing MORRISSEY, the whole court/pub screams as Morrissey throws the bag to the crowd, who then fight for it, ripping it to shreds.

STILL I CLING: (to Rosy) Blimey, IT'S MORRISSEY.

ROSY: Just a stunt double.

LIZZY CAT: No, apparently they've just done a DNA test, it's really him.

ROSY: No, it must have been contaminated.

HEATHER CAT: His mum's just said, "that person standing right there in front of us is my son Steven Patrick Morrissey.

ROSY: She's wrong.



THE 'TWITTERDILLY ARMS' TOP 10 - WEEK BEGINNING SUNDAY 4th MARCH 2012

1. LET ME KISS YOU - MORRISSEY (UP 3)
2. EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY - MORRISSEY (UP 4)
3. I KNOW IT'S OVER (LIVE AT VINA DEL MAR CHILE) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
4. LIFE IS A PIGSTY - MORRISSEY (UP 3)
5. TROUBLE LOVES ME - MORRISSEY (DOWN 2)
6. I WANT THE ONE I CAN'T HAVE (LIVE AT VINA DEL MAR CHILE) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
7. HOW SOON IS NOW - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY)
8. IF I CAN DREAM - ELVIS PRESLEY (NEW ENTRY)
9. REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN - THE SMITHS (DOWN 8)
10. HEART - RITA PAVONE (NO CHANGE)

24 comments:

  1. I love this, Rats! It is beyond hilarious! The ending gave me a good chuckle. Someone should seriously consider making a sitcom out of this. I love the metaphor of this whole struggle and debate. Do you accept fan submissions? I may consider writing one of these marvelous Morrissey's World parodies. I adore the world that is being molded within this little community. It is like an oasis hidden between the peaks of a dolorous world. A peaceful galleon manned by these eccentric personalities, floating periously in an ocean of upheaval. The captian of this ship is Morrissey with a paper bag over his head, and the ship's pilot is TheRatsBack.

    By the way, I think you really captured my essence and gusto.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you write a parody story in one of my comment boxes, I will copy and paste it into a separate story on my blog.

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  2. Oh Rat! Wonderful! I'll tell it to my husband! You have to write a book and I'll say, like Sophia Loren in a famous italian spot:"ACCATATEVILLE!" which means:"BUY IT!"

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  3. Yup, I just can't ignore those 'coincidences'!
    This was too funny, especially the part with the so-lowers!
    You write the best parodies. You're not going to stop blogging, right??

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  5. Truth is often stranger than fiction; though the coincidences and 'proofs' provided, which are extensive and remarkable, seem to convince me I am Morrissey, I happen to know that I am not Morrissey.

    This is Rat's finest hour. A truly uproarious article. I look forward to reading his post-apolcalyptic followingthemozziah after world war three breaks out some time in 2013.

    Draw your own conclusions, please.

    With love and affection,

    Our Mozzer

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    Replies
    1. Chuckle chuckle, Our Mozzer. You thought all your 29th birthdays had come at once that morning Moz wore his vintage Johansen t-shirt!! AND poor old Johansen has got all muddied up with Justin Beiber as a by-product. Hilariously ironic. GOD! Not THAT word again! Do you have a painting of yourself up in your attic that bears more and more resemblance to Morrissey everyday?

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  6. Having been misquoted or having had quotes taken out of context twice over the last three days, I have decided to take a break from twitter for a while.

    Morrissey, thank you for all the tweets and re-tweets over the last six months. I feel truly privileged!

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  7. Take care Our Mozzer, whoever you may be.

    This is hilariously written. Good laffs and nice to see girl on bike taking herself as seriously as ever.

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  9. This is very funny, many thanks to Mr M for all his wit and wisdom. I am not worthy * bows *

    And of course to our Ratty who makes me laugh every day, even when he is being cheeky to me !!

    However Rats, my tweet to Moz regarding Years of Refusal took place on 26th December 2011 and he named it in his Top Ten on
    27th December 2011.

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  10. Dear Natty Mr. Ratty,
    Another in a long line of excellent posts!! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!! :)

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  11. This is a truely fantastically amusing read, I commend your imagination to the fullest! Cheers

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  12. Can I shoot this court room drama but use the real people being quoted? How do we convince Morrissey to appear with a paper bag over his head?

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  13. Hey nobody has been abusive yet??? Can I just remedy that with ....BUM!!

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  14. HOLD ON!!!

    "MW tweets mentioning the Falkland islands and an hour later, Morrissey makes his infamous speech about them on stage." ????

    They're making this up as they go along 'ere your Mancness. *Passes timeline to Lord Chief Mancship, Master of the sandwiches.*

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  15. You have done it again! Just another thing about this journey that makes it so enjoyable. Thank you!

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  16. Not to make too fine a point of it, but I believe I have some years on His Mancness. I am more than happy with his handling of this sensitive case however and the unmasking of the Rogue in the Brown Paper Bag. Justice was done and almost seen to be done.

    ReplyDelete

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