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Sunday, 15 April 2012

At Home With Mam October 2011


(First published As DAY 49 of FollowingTheMoziah - Weds 2nd Nov 2011)

(The setting is the modest two up, two down red brick terraced house of Ms Betty Dwyer & her youngest child, the artiste known as HM Morrissey. It is late October 2011, the time is 1am.)

MOZ: (singing along, at the top of his voice, to his record player) Mama, he's making eyes at me, mama he's awfully nice to me.

BETTY: (shouting & banging the lounge ceiling with a broom handle) STEVEN, TURN THAT RACKET DOWN I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.
(There is no response)

BETTY: STEV...(tuts to herself and heads for the stairs) (Banging on bedroom door) STEVEN, TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN.

(The music goes down and the door is opened)

MOZ: It's Lena Zavaroni mam.

BETTY: I know full well who it is, God knows, (crosses herself) she won Opp Knocks enough times.

MOZ: Five

BETTY: What?

MOZ: She won it five times.

BETTY: What puts you in such a joyous mood at any rate? Are you off your tablets?

MOZ: Oh, I don't know, I'm feeling good about the NME court case and what with the tour coming up, and the record deal nearly done, and the website going so well, I just feel....

BETTY: Now don't you start getting all optimistic my boy. Your selling point is your pessimism. Optimism's never done anyone any favours. It just picks you up and throws you back down again. I used to have dreams you know (looks starry eyed and glazed, as if reminiscing) but dreams isn't for the likes of you and I Steven, dreams is for dreamers, remember that song I wrote you, you know the one about me not having had a dream in a long time? Well it's true.

MOZ: I wrote that one.

BETTY: Wrote what one? You haven't written any of the them you cheeky s*d. Me, all me. And what recognition do I get eh? Nowt, that's what, nowt. How many Ivor Novello awards have got my name on them? None! It's a bloody cheek, and what thanks do you give me eh? I'll tell you shall I? Not a drop. ONE song you've managed to write, ONE song, what was it called again?

MOZ: (Quietly) The Loop.

BETTY:(Adopts a mocking tone) Oh yes, The Loooop, and how does it go? Oh yes, 'So one day if you're bored, by all means call me'? Ooh, lardy dah, by all means call me? How posh. If I'd wanted you talking all hoi poloi I'd 'ave put you in Stretford Grammar, not that it's a good school mind, what with that poor boy with the fractured skull and Ofsted putting it on report. And the music for, 'The Loop', who wrote it again?

MOZ: Mark E Nevin.

BETTY: That's right Mark, e for eejit Nevin. He nicked it didn't he? There I was, educating the pair of you with my collection of 60's docu-soaps and the day after I show you 'Paddy's In The Carsey', that eejit Nevin copies Back Street Blues note for note and claims it as his own. How we haven't been caught Jesus only knows (Crosses herself). Thank heavens John Perry found the lord and doesn't listen to our stuff (Crosses herself again).

MOZ: John Perry? Mark said he nicked it from The Beatles, anyway, it's not optimism mam, I just don't feel so, so down lately.

BETTY: Oh, here we go again. Last time you had these feelings I wrote you 'At Last I am Born' and 'Dear God'. That album nearly killed me, the emotional drain of it all, do you know just how deep I had to dig for those lyrics? And then of course I went and added 'The Youngest was the Most Loved', oh the grief our Jacqueline gave me over that. I even tried to disguise it by saying I turned you into a killer but she's not stupid, she knew of course.

MOZ: Mam, listen, I've been working on some new ideas for the website.

BETTY: And I've told you before, leave the website to Russell, he's the funny one around here. Beautiful voice too, I didn't realise he had such a lovely voice. Did you hear that song he made up for you the other day? So funny, how did it go again? Oh yes. (Starts singing, to the tune of Seasons In The Sun) I had Joyce, I had Marr, I had Andy on guitar, but then Marr left the band and the drummer's underhand. (Starts laughing out loud).

MOZ: Mam, you know the court case thing, you DO know you aren't allowed to talk about it don't you? You won't go putting anything on your twitter thingy while I'm away on tour will you?

BETTY: Oh, what was that other song Russell made up for you yesterday? Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to court we go, Just Conor and me and the NME, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho it's off to court we go (Leaves bedroom joyfully singing to self).

MOZ: (Takes diary out from underneath the mattress, looks up at the rare Kenneth Williams signed 'Carry On Spying' poster on the wall and starts to write, while talking out loud to self) Dear Diary, I think I'm going off Russell. (pauses and then carries on) I've been thinking for a while about asking David Walliams around for tea, after all, he did stand up ALL the way through the Palladium concert and seemed to know the words to 'Come back to Camden'. I am regretting asking Joey Barton around, if he mentions The Smiths, I swear I'll kick him straight out, I can't even remember why I invited him. Oh, dearest diary, could I ever really publish you while I'm still alive? I've told you EVERYTHING haven't I? (Looks back up at Kenneth Williams poster). Perhaps not. (Strokes and kisses diary and puts it back under the mattress). (Kisses fingers and touches Ken poster) Goodnight Ken, sleep tight, America soon.

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