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Monday, 9 April 2012

Following The Mozziah Day 208 Monday 9th April 2012



MORRISSEY THE MUSICAL - (First published Saturday 29th October 2011)

(The setting is The Offices of The Really Useful Group
In the room are Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Tim Rice.
There is a knock at the door and Sarah Brightman enters the room followed by Morrissey, Betty Dwyer (Morrissey's mam), Russell Brand & Boz Boorer.

SARAH: (announcing to the room) Morrissey, My Lord.

ANDREW L-W(ALW):  Thank you Sarah, sit over there in the corner and take notes. DO NOT speak and certainly DO NOT sing (Shakes hands with Morrissey enthusiastically, although limply.) Morrissey, thank you so VERY much for coming, may I say how 'truly' excited both I and Tim are about this project. We haven't felt like this since Jesus Christ Superstar, oh the parallels, the songs, please sit down, sit down.

MOZ: (licks upper lip) Thank you, this is Boz Boorer my guitarist.

BOZ: (Shaking ALW's hand) Actually, I'm the musical director.

MOZ: This is, friend of mine, Russell. Apparently he's in your line of work.

(Lloyd Web looks at Rice who just shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "no idea who he is either")

BRAND: (Hugging ALW) Ooo Andrew such an absolute pleasure to meet you my lordship and may I say how I've always admired your work, especially all that stuff you did on the telly with Graham Norton.

ALW: Thank you, have you met Tim?

BRAND: (shakes Tim's hand) You look familiar. 'ere, you weren't the geezer wot I wanked off in the public lav, for that show of mine were yer? I'm sure 'e said 'is name was Gary, but you know what these toilet types are like, I doubt any of 'em give their real name. I don't imagine for one moment that George Michael admitted to being himself when 'e was looking for a free tug. (Rice looks embarrassed but says nothing) Don't look so alarmed, I don't wank off every stranger I meet, them days are behind me, I washed my hands of the whole affair. (laughs and turns to Moz) 'ere Morrissey, do you get it?, washed me 'ands. (turns back to Rice) Actually I was wearing marigolds.

MOZ: (Ignoring Brand's antics and speaking to ALW) And this is my mother Betty.

ALW: Pleased to meet you Mrs Morrissey.

BETTY: (Betty should be read in a strong Irish accent) Dwyer.

ALW: Sorry?

BETTY:(don't forget to read in a strong Irish accent, I won't remind you again) It's not Morrissey, it's Dwyer.

ALW: Oh, sorry, is it Welsh?

BETTY: 'IT', along with me, is 'Oirish'. It means black.

TIM RICE: Betty Black?

BRAND: (breaking into song) Whoa Black Betty bam a lam, whoa Black Betty bam a lam, Black Betty had a child bam a lam, the damn thing gone wild, bam a lam. 'ere Morrissey, you're Betty's wild child.(starts laughing and breaks into song again, singing Iggy Pop's 'Real Wild Child') Gonna keep a swingin' baby, I'm a real wild child.

(Moz looks to the heavens and licks his top lip)

ALW: (Smiling embarrassingly) Yes, well, shall we get on?

BRAND: We do get on (starts laughing again, as does Rice, everybody else is quiet)

RICE: (to Brand) You're quite funny, in a charming sort of way. Are you always like this?

MOZ: Unfortunately, yes.

ALW: (ignoring Brand and Rice, and addressing Moz) You're not an easy man to get hold of Mr Morrissey.

MOZ: It's my fish scale skin.

BETTY: (raised voice to Moz) Steven! Don't fall to Russell's level, keep a civil tongue in your head. (to ALW) I'm sorry Mr Lloyd Webber sir, but Steven can be a bit funny at times, he doesn't mean to be rude, and when you get to know him, and his sense of humour, well, he's actually quite witty, but it's an acquired taste. Now the reason you haven't been able to get hold of him is because he rarely comes out of his bedroom. He'll come out to keep me company during Emmerdale or Corrie, but apart from that and the touring thing, he loikes to keep himself to himself.

ALW: (to Betty) Sorry, where are my manners? Would you like a cup of tea?

BETTY: Thank you, that would be grand.

ALW: (claps his hands and addresses Sarah Brightman) Sarah, go and fetch some tea and biscuits for everybody. Go on, hurry. (to Moz) Yes, you're a hard man to pin down all right, I asked my people to contact your people but you don't seem to have a manager, or indeed, any 'people' to speak of. Do you do everything yourself?

MOZ: Mam and Boz try to, well, how can I put it? (pauses for a moment, as if reflecting) There is just me, it's always, just me.

BRAND: I helps out wiv the blog site an' all that, don't I Morrissey? I've got millions of twitter followers and I've been in films and everything.

ALW: (Ignoring Brand) Listen, Morrissey, is it ok to just call you Morrissey, or is there another name I should use?

MOZ: I'm sure there are plenty available, but Morrissey is fine.

ALW: let's get down to the nitty gritty, Tim and I want you on stage.

BRAND: He's always on stage, he's played 'em all you know, Hollywood Bowl, Madison Square Gardens, Albert Hall, Earls Court, Wembley Arena, London Palladium, Great Yarmouth Pier.

ALW: (Again ignoring Brand) Morrissey, forget We Will Rock You, forget Mama Mia.


ALW: Tim and I want to create Morrissey the Stage Show. We're thinking either 'Irish Blood, English Heart' or 'The Boy With The Thorn In His Side', perhaps even the obvious 'This Charming Man', there's plenty of options for a title, but the public need to make the connection. I'll be honest, I wasn't THAT familiar with your work until very recently when a, er, 'friend' of mine, who works in chambers, informed me he'd been studying your work in great detail. He thinks you're a genius, Tim thinks you're a genius, 'I' think you're a genius. I'm not quite sure how your career has bypassed me.

MORRISSEY: You're not alone.

ALW: I've spent the last two weeks catching up. Morning, noon and night Tim and I have been listening to every word of every song. 'Go to waste in the wrong arms', beautiful, quite beautiful.

BRAND: Stretch Out and Wait is my favourite, I love that one, will it be in the show? (Bursts in to song) "Amid concrete and clay, and general decay, nature must still find a way". (stops singing and turns to Morrissey) I know I keep telling you Morrissey, but your lyrics are truly beautiful, I don't know how you do it.

ALW: (coughs politely)

BETTY: You've got a nice voice Russell, I never realised.

BRAND: Thanks Mrs D, any requests?

BETTY: Bengali?

MOZ: MOTHER! RUSSELL! For Christ's sake.

BETTY: (to Morrissey) Don't you, "For Christ's sake" (crosses herself) me, my lad. Just because you think you're a high and mighty pop star, it doesn't mean you can take the lord's name in vain, so think on.

(Sarah Brightman walks in with the tea tray)

ALW: (to Sarah) Put it there (points to space on the table)

BETTY: Please.

ALW: (Looking perplexed) Sorry?

BETTY: Please! You should always say please.

ALW: It's only Sarah, she shouldn't even be here. We got divorced over twenty years ago but she's never actually left. Hangs around looking like Nancy Dell'Olio's google eyed twin, it's embarrassing. Still, she's useful for making tea and other menial things, we just have to make sure she doesn't open her gob. We used to have Prince Edward here making tea but he was a useless cunt. Oh shit, sorry, I do apologize Mrs Dwyer, that just slipped out.

BETTY: No please don't apologize, I fully understand.

ALW: (Turning back to Morrissey and pouring tea) Morrissey, do you feel you are more creative now or with The Smiths?

BOZ: Objection.

(Everybody looks at Boz)

MOZ: Boz, this isn't a court.

BOZ: Why'd he have to bring up the 'S' word?

MOZ: The Smiths Boz, the word is Smiths.

BOZ: There's no need, that's all I'm saying, there's just no need. (mutters under his breath) Wanker.

MOZ: Boz?

BOZ: Not you Moz, I meant him, old Lord Toffee twat.


BOZ: Sorry Mrs D, but there was no need for the 'S' word, really there wasn't.

ALW: (Speaking to Morrissey) Milk?

MOZ: Please.

ALW: (pouring milk and still addressing Morrissey) So what do you think to our musical idea? We want to tell your life story, with just the use of your songs. No need for spoken word, the whole story is there in your lyrics, it's just about getting the songs in the right order. Tim and I were thinking, open up with 'Irish Blood', to represent your birth, straight into 'Barbarism' and 'Headmaster's' for the school days, then I thought 'Charming Man' but Tim thinks 'Glove'. Personally I wasn't thinking of having 'Glove' in it at all but Tim thinks it's essential don't you Tim?

RICE: Well we can hardly tell the story of the Stretford poet without the song that put him on the map, and the song brings the romanticism and the poetry of breaking out of the grime and into the light with an arrogant swagger (sings in posh voice) "The sun shines out of our be_hines."

BETTY: Davyhulme.

MOZ: Ssh mam.

BETTY: It's all in the detail Steven, you know that. And that reminds me, I've come up with a fantastic new idea for the back drop on the next tour.

MOZ: MAM! Not here. And those back drops are my idea.

BETTY: Hah! Which one? Sacha? Er, Oi don't think so me lad.

ALW:(looking puzzled and slightly embarrassed. Addressing Morrissey) Listen, I think we need to break for today, but can I take it we're in agreement to getting this project off the ground?

BRAND: Definitely, I love it, love it, love it.

MOZ: (stares at Brand)

BRAND: Sorry Morrissey.

MOZ: Who have you got in mind to play 'ME'? I want...

ALW: (Interrupting) Well I want to find a new 'you' via the BBC. A tv programme called something like..

BRAND: (Interrupting) 'Finding The Mozziah'.

RICE: (to ALW) I quite like that.

ALW: No, I was thinking 'Search for The Moz' or 'A Charming Man' but 'Finding The Mozziah'? (pauses for thought) Yes, I DO like that, Sarah, write that down.

RICE: I thought we'd decided against the tv thing, so tacky, so NOT Morrissey.

MOZ: I want Bieber. 

ALW/RICE/BRAND/BOZ/BETTY,SARAH: (together, in exclamation) BIEBER?

MOZ: I need him to know what it's like to be a real pop star. I want to see if this modern day idol has got what it takes to sing real and proper lyrics. I want to see if the sun can shine out of 'his' behind. 

ALW: But, but, he's just another nonsense non-star, he'll flop!

MOZ: Oh I do hope so.

ALW: But, it could cost you and I millions of pounds.

MOZ: It would be worth every penny. Life isn't just about success Mr Lloyd Webber, there is less to it than that. Life is about finding success and then subtly wrecking your life, without anybody realising how you did it, now that is the sign of a true genius.

(ALW & RICE look confused)

MOZ: (to Betty) Come on mam, let's get off home. We'll stop off en route and get some barn cakes.
(to ALW) Let me know when you've got Bieber, then I'll let you know if you've got your show. Good day.


  1. Glad to see you are back. Hope your holiday week was nice. The piece posted today was as usual brilliant, (although I did have some difficulty understanding Moz's mum's with her strong Irish accent.)Last year, I remember having this discussion on MW of who would play Morrissey whenever his book came out and they made it into a movie. I remember Bieber as a young Moz, but someone suggested K,D. Lang at the time for the older Moz. Or if they should just go with the producer's artistic prerogative and cast some one like Whoopi Goldberg, who I learned just happened to be one of Boz's favorites. I do not remember if she can sing, but I'm sure they can have someone do a voice over (maybe Moz?) Like they do in the film 'Singing In The Rain'. (I had suggested Russell Brand at the time based on his moving film portrayals as Aldous Snow)Either way, movie or Broadway musical, I'd look forward to viewing it. Again, glad you are back.

  2. LOL great post once again! Love the quote, "Life is about finding success and then subtly wrecking your life, without anybody realising how you did it, now that is the sign of a true genius."


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