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Wednesday, 30 May 2012


In the absence of anything new from 'Our Mozzer', I have revisited one of my very favourite pieces from, the 'Minutes of the Bans and Concert Ejections Committee (BCE) when considering Mr David Tseng's appeal against lifetime Morrissey concert ban', which was published on Friday 26 August 2011. Reading this article has reiterated just how much I (and I'm sure many others) have forgotten over the past nine months. The 'Bans' article draws reference to the MorrisseysMum twitter account (I did keep telling you all it was HIM), the ROSES, and also explains the involvement of 'Walter Ego' (aka Banjaxer), who 'Our Mozzer' says, he 'pays', to place comments on So-low (I did keep saying he was an insider, and it makes my Skinny stitch-up theory very plausible!). I have decided to re-publish a few extracts from the original article, just to remind everybody of a few things concerning MW, but would encourage everybody to go and re-read the whole piece, as it is probably 'Our Mozzer's' finest hour.


MORRISSEY: What am I going to do with my blog?

MIKEY (BRACEWELL): You've had a few hits. A few thousand actually, Morrissey.

MORRISSEY: Oh that's just Walter Ego.

MIKEY: Walter Ego?

MORRISSEY: Yes, he's one of the so-low trolls. I pay him to write nonsense all over the so-low site and do the odd internet-based jobs for me, like repeatedly visiting my blog and posting links around the place.

MIKEY: You pay him?!

MORRISSEY: Nothing excessive. Just £50 a month.

MAM: It's not £50, Steven - it's £47. You reduced it when he fell into a diabetic coma in July and forgot to start a so-low forum thread about the blog. Poor lad. He was in intensive care for weeks...

MORRISSEY: Yes, my mistake, Mam. £47.

MIKEY: Aren't you worried he might go public and...well, it would be a little embarrassing, Morrissey. You know it might look crass if the wrong person got hold of this story...front page news, least in the NME...

MORRISSEY: Oh don't worry. I sent old Grant Showbiz over in January to compile a dossier on him. He's claiming disability and not declaring his earnings from me. I've got him over a highly polished French table...
MORRISSEY: No, the place is dead. If you exclude Walter Ego's visits and Boz Boorer's endless refreshing, it gets about fifteen hits a day. What can I do to get the traffic up? Literary icon, poet for a generation and famous singer...and I can't get any b*****d traffic on my blog for love nor money.

BOZ: Well ah was just thinking about this the other day and I thought, now Old Mozza's blog is basically a joke. Now how can we rectify the situation? Well, I thought, why doesn't Old Mozzer just steal Morrissey Solo's idea and just start posting all the news. That way you might get a few people over to the blog and they might accidentally read your prose and...well...grow to like it an' all.

MORRISSEY: It's brilliant. Boz. It's ruddy bloody brilliant. I could kiss you, and if it wasn't for the corned beef pasty smell, I probably would...

BOZ: Thanks Sir.

MIKEY: You've already tried claiming to be Morrissey, while writing in a dumbed-down parody of your own writing style. Why not do the opposite? Deny you're Morrissey but write in a much closer approximation of your own style, remembering to preserve the ironic flourishes and self-deprecating intellectual cul-de-sacs. You can occasionally contribute to the blog as a 'satire' of Morrissey when, in fact, you are Morrissey; meanwhile you'll need someone else to write the 'news' items.

MORRISSEY: I could perhaps change a few of the facts around in the essay, toss the odd spanner in the works for the observant and the pop minds to throw them off the scent, render the clues a little less 'in-your-face,' so to speak...mix up a few dates...Oh this is a wonderful scheme, one of your best Boz.

MIKEY: Just think of the hits you'll get when they realise it's you...but they can't prove it. In terms of Enigmatic Otherness Factor, this is off the scale...

BOZ: Yeah and also it'll wind up old Tseng. Just think of that goose going mad in his taking over his role, stealing his thunder.

MORRISSEY: It will be just like the time I posed as Paul Morley on the site in the naughty noughties, Boz...Now those were the days...Boz and I had a right old laugh over that little episode. We even posted some fake interviews and everything - trying to create the impression Old Cloth Ears Morley had a dedicated blog in honour of 'Ringleader.' Tseng wouldn't even link it on that dreary website/page of his...had he done so, tink of the free publicity in the English press - "fake Morrissey interviews, Morrissey to sue!" Now obviously we couldn't sue ourselves, much as I can't sue myself over this blog...but the mere threat of suing for libel...well the publicity would be worth thousands...We didn't quite get there in the end with the blog...Bloody Tseng wouldn't post it, went and ruined our harebrained scheme...realised it was a plot.

MIKEY: I'll design a poster to replace the 'Utter B******s I'd Cross the Road to Avoid' we're going all serious as a news site...

MORRISSEY: Oh but can't we keep that part? It's the only part I truly adore. The smirk on my face too in the picture atop the item - it's quite apt.

MIKEY: I don't think so. If we're to convince them all it's you pretending to be somebody else parodying you while at the same time denying you are pretending to be somebody else parodying you, then we need to put that stuff aside. At least for now, Morrissey...

MORRISSEY: Well keep it on the site, just move it down the page as an article instead. No, I insist. We must keep the 'utter b*****ds' bit. Without that item, the site for me is sadly lacking. Imagine Tseng's little face! And he can't sue me for stealing his news or wrecking his website because no b*gger can trace you on blogger!

MIKEY: Speaking of Mr Tseng, shouldn't we get back to the democratic discussions and consultation exercise regarding this letter of appeal he's written against his lifetime live concert ban? Time's running out before Corrie and I haven't even finished reading the opening paragraph of his appeal letter, which is twenty-four pages long...

MORRISSEY: Oh Mikey, I think that's quite enough democratic discussion for one afternoon. Ban the c**t.

MIKEY: But we haven't consulted your fanbase via the blog, Morrissey...What about the consultation execise? Your blog is quite clear about this...'There will be a consultation exercise...' Those are your words from your blog...

MORRISSEY: I've already asked Walter Ego - and he said "I agree wholeheartedly, sir" so the procedural side of things in terms of consulting my fanbase is all in hand.

MAM: One more thing your concerts...

MORRISSEY: Oh God, not that again, Mam. All I can remember from '84 and '85 is being repeatedly stabbed in the left contact lens with gladioli stalk...I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack, what with the vagus nerve centres being behind the eye...can slow the old heart rate right down. It can be utterly lethal.

MAM: Steven, it's such a pretty thing...all those flowers...all boucing around in the crowd...

MORRISSEY: Can't I just wear a little freesia or something in my buttonhole? Or a flower head dangling symbolically from my waist?

MAM: Steven - for me? Just this once...

MORRISSEY: Oh go on then, mother. Don't say I don't do anything for you, either...

MAM: Roses, Steven. Make it roses. I do love seeing all those flowers in the mosh pit as I gaze down from the seats. Makes me cry. It reminds me of Wilde.



  1. You're right Rat - quality stuff. My gems from the above:

    "when they realise it's you...but they can't prove it."
    The deniability factor which we've always said is vital

    "If we're to convince them all it's you pretending to be somebody else parodying you while at the same time denying you are pretending to be somebody else parodying you, then we need to put that stuff aside."
    Enough said.

    "I think that's quite enough democratic discussion for one afternoon. Ban the c**t."

    And the roses . . and . . oh , all of it really. Magnificent stuff, worthy of so much more attention than it got.

  2. Totally agree with JG's comment! Funny how things make so much more sense a few months later! Excellent research Rat! How do you find the time?

    1. It keeps him awake while he's watching cricket

  3. Just read the whole thing again and at the end Morrissey sighs: Old Oscar... Now, is that another clue to THAT account? Does that confirm our suspicions? Or just another coincidence...?


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