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Saturday, 5 May 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 234 Saturday May 5th 2012 MOZ & BOZ IN SEOUL

(The scene is the Presidential Suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Seoul, South Korea. It is 2pm, present day. Morrissey and his musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer, are both dressed in 1970's style 'Winceyette pyjamas', and are sat upright in the king size bed, in a scene reminiscent of a 'Morecambe and Wise' show. Morrissey is 'even' wearing Eric Morecambe style glasses, and has his quiff in a heated clamp. Boz is wearing his 'Olive from On the Buses' glasses. Morrissey is watching a music video on his laptop with earphones in, whilst Boz is reading a month old copy of 'Autotrader'.)

MOZ: (starts smiling to himself and then laughs out loud) Ha ha

BOZ: What is it?

MOZ: (presses the pause button on his lap top and shuts the screen so that Boz can't see it) Never you mind Boz, never you mind. (Pauses for a minute and looks around the room) Boz, did you know, that this 'Presidential' suite has been named the "World's finest suite" by 'Gold Key Award'? Not just Korea's finest, the 'WORLD'S' finest" Boz, and look who's staying in it, little old me (picks up a glass of bubbly that is next to the bed and raises it), not bad for a 'has been' pop idol eh Boz? Not bad at all.

BOZ: It's certainly a nice room Moz.

MOZ: NICE? Oh come on Boz, I thought we'd managed to enhance your vocabulary of late?, what about "clandestine" my old son?, that was a splendid word.

BOZ: Is this a clandestine room?

MOZ: No Boz, this is NOT a clandestine room, I was referring to the excellent use of the word in your recent Top One thousand single, 'Slippers and Farces'. I presume you do KNOW what clandestine means?

BOZ: (puffing up his chest) Of course I do, it means something's all, er, secretive and stuff.

MOZ: Well expressed old son, well expressed.

BOZ: It's like your blog thing  innit? I remember months ago hearing you call Morrissey's world 'clandestine', and at the time I didn't have a Scobby Doo as to what you were on about, so I looked it up. I  liked the word so much I put it into 'Slippery Forces'.

MOZ: And talking of which, I think you'll find that my re-dredged version of Suedehead has pummelled 'Slippers and Farces' in the sales department, so I'm afraid, Bozzerooney me old mucker, that it's yet 'another' forfeit for you, and in fact (picks up a little black book from the side table and starts to flick through), ah yes, he we are, that makes it NINE nil to me with our little bets. (smiles at Boz) Now, let's see, what shall I have you dress up in this time?(momentarily pauses as if thinking) I'm still saving 'Log Lady' for a rainy day, so (another slight pause), I think we'll have (suddenly leaps from the bed and slides open the large wardrobe door, which reveals a selection of dresses, for the slightly larger lady) 'THIS' one (selects a sparkly silver dress and holds it up to show Boz) .

BOZ: Are you 'sure' Suedehead outsold Forces?, I've not seen any official figures yet, although I DO know that I had reached over a thousand sales after a couple of days.

MOZ: (lays the dress on the bed and goes over to the 'presidential' writing desk where he opens his tartan man bag and takes out two pieces of paper) Of course I'm sure Boz, I DON'T make mistakes do I? (starts to read the first piece of paper to himself) Ah, here we are Boz, (reads aloud) "the total number of vinyl sales for Suedehead, for the two week period starting April 21st and ending May 5th, one thousand exactly" (stops reading and looks at Boz), and may I add, only one thousand were actually released, (reading again) "and the total number of vinyl sales for Slippers and Farces, for the two week and ONE day period starting April 20th and ending May 5th, NIL. It's all there in black and white me old fruit (hands Boz the piece of paper), and I even gave you a day's head start with your release.

BOZ: Hold on, this is written in your handwriting, and anyway, I didn't 'release' a vinyl record, my sales were all downloads, what about those?

MOZ:  It's all written here (handing Boz the other piece of paper) on our 'Bet Number Ten of The World Tour 2011/12 Contract', item four, subsection three, where I think you'll find it says 'record' sales. 'Records' Boz, NOT downloads, 'records'. It's not my fault that you've decided to abandon your roots in search of keeping up with the Joneses, as I said Boz, that makes it nine nil. (walks back to the bed and re-opens his laptop) Now, you're going to like this Boz. The little guffaw I gave out a minute ago was in relation to this video (turns the laptop to face Boz and presses play), and more to the point, a highly amusing thought that subsequently rushed to my brain.

BOZ: (watching the music video) Who are they?

MOZ: 'THEY' me old mustard pot, are a four piece, all girl group from Seoul, called 'Sistar', who just so happen to be number one in the South Korean hit parade. They're HUGE Boz, not as in 'large' huge mind you, no, they're all stick insects of course, but they're massive out here. The song you are currently listening to is called 'Alone'. (leans across and presses the pause button ) Now, do you recognise the silver dress that the girl is wearing? (grabs the silver dress from the foot of the bed and holds it up) Ta-dah! It's YOU Boz, it's YOU, or rather, YOU are going to be 'her'. We just need a slightly longer wig than the one you've been wearing, but that's not a problem, and NOW for the best bit, guess what the girl's name is, go on, guess?

BOZ: I can't remember the last time I saw you this excited Moz, you've almost got a glow about you. I don't know, Brenda? Pam? Cynthia? I've no idea, go on, I can see that you're dying to tell me.

MOZ: Bora! The number one group in South Korea has a female singer called Bora! I'm in fucking heaven Boz. (stands up and starts bouncing on the bed) Come on Boz, come and have a bounce with me. (Moz grabs Boz's hand and drags him to his feet, where Boz then (reluctantly at first), joins in with bouncing on the bed).

BOZ: (whilst bouncing) The dress needs a bit of adjustment, the hem needs to come up a bit.

MOZ: Come on (leaps off the bed), get the dress on and I'll pin it for you.

(Boz puts the dress on and stands on the bed whilst Moz starts to pin it)

MOZ: (through gritted teeth because he has a pin in his mouth) Keep still you big lummox.

BOZ: (looking towards the full length mirror) You don't think this dress is too 'showy' do you?

MOZ: No, I love it, it's my new favourite. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE you in the blue number, but this silver one is just so daring. You're like Diana Dors herself.

BOZ: You don't think I look like a lump of meat wrapped in tin foil, or Deirdre Barlow at a wedding do?

MOZ: Boz, listen to me, have I EVER let you make a fool of yourself? You look perfect, just perfect (takes the pin from his mouth and puts it in the dress). There, that's the pinning done, if you take it off, we can get it over to Jesse's hotel and he can sew it for you. By the way, are the band okay with their accommodation, I hope it's not too big or anything? I wouldn't want them feeling 'lost'.

BOZ: LOST? No, I'm sure that the three star 'Dirty Duck' is just fine. The four of them are sharing the family room, and although Matt's on the floor, I've not seen any tweets from him moaning, so he must be happy.

MOZ: Yes, I see he's back on twitter, I thought I made it clear to your lot that none of them were to use any form of social media without the written consent of yours truly?

BOZ: I'll have a word with him, but I don't think you can stop them.

MOZ: (smirks) No Boz, but I CAN fire them, I've got previous you know?


MOZ: Anyway, much as though I've loved having you over for this little chat, it's time for you to head back to the Dirty Duck too, I presume you've got a separate room to the others eh?

BOZ: Yes, it's nothing flash, but it gives me a bit of privacy.

MOZ: Only the best for you Boz, only the best. AND you can keep the pyjamas, I hope you didn't mind putting them on while you were here, I just thought it would be fun to be Eric and Ern for an hour.

BOZ: Thanks Moz. (starts to head to the door) Right, I'll see you tomorrow for the show. Moz?

MOZ: Yes Boz?

BOZ: Can I ask you something?

MOZ: No! Now see you tomorrow.


  1. Once again, this parody 'scenario' is so vivid and TOP NOTCH! Thanks for the chuckles! 8-)

    1. Yes, blog was very vivid today, just picturing them in PJ's and Moz as a seamstress had me really laughing. Thanks for the great blog

  2. told you before whiskers, we cant always comment, work.. out of the country etc.. sometimes we miss things

  3. Oh thanks Ratty, I didn't remember it!


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