Total Pageviews

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 245 Wednesday May 16th 2012

SO MUCH DESTRUCTION.......A PARODY.

(The World of Morrissey has become dark (was it ever light?), with warring fractions arguing amongst themselves as to who is right and who is wrong. A meeting has been called to try and find some common ground.
The scene is set in the 'Twitterdilly Arms', a 'virtual' pub in the land of Twitterdilly. In attendance are; Uncle Skinny & DavidT representing So-low, Brigadier Julie & 'Scots' Tony from the Moz Army, Mozipedia Man, Scouse Dickie Felt'em, Rattius Backius, Romina Ricci from the Italian mob, Marcus Papadopoulos from the Greek contingent,The Countess of Camden, Paul Free-Yourself, Bonehead Barton, The Mexican Moz, Graham Smyth and Banjaxer (who is acting as impartial note taker). Twitterdilly Arms local, MancLad, is sat at the bar, wearing a Man City shirt with 'spillage' down it. He has a blue rose pinned to the lapel of his denim jacket. Loughton Lil is the barman, and he too has a blue rose pinned to his Depeche Mode t-shirt. A few other regulars are sat quietly in a corner looking at pictures of Moz).

LIL: (to Manclad, who's head is on the bar) Shall I stick another half in there for you Manc?

MANC: (slurring) No, I think that's me for tonight, what's all these people doing here?

LIL: They're having a meeting, if we keep quiet, we might be able to hear what they're saying.

SKINNY: (to the collected ensemble) Who decided to have the meeting in here?, it's a shit hole, full of ponces with roses. (NB Skinny is wearing a white Fred Perry t-shirt, turned up denim jeans, jack boots and red braces)

RAT: I managed to get it at a very cheap rate.

SKINNY: Don't you start talking to me you deluded wanker, what the fuck are you even doing here, you know fuck all about Moz, you're not even registered on my website.

DAVIDT: I think you'll find it's MY website.

SKINNY: Well, in fairness, it's everybody's, it's for everyone, it's a platform for freedom of speech.

ROMINA: (NB wearing a tight red dress & looking like Sophia Loren in her prime) (In an Italian accent) Ah but Skeeny, this is not true about your website, it has become a place for hatred and you are a dick tato.

RAT: (whispering to Romina) It's 'dictator'. (Romina smiles apologetically)

DAVIDT: It's MY website.

SKINNY: (ignoring David & addressing Romina) Who the FUCK are you? Mind you, you're certainly easy on the eye sweetheart, I'll say that for you.

ROMINA: I am Romina Ricci, biggest Morr-ee-say fan in the whole of Rome, and despite having the initials RR, I do not have any rust in my rockets, een fact, I 'ave no rockets! I am the one who called this meeting because there is too much fighting and all Morr-ee-say wants is for peace.

RAT: (NB wearing a long white robe with sandels and sporting a long hippy like beard. He has a blue rose in his hair) That is why he has brought us MorrisseysWorld, he has built us a temple where we can worship him, he no longer wants his people to go to Solow. He has sent signs and made prophecies, and yet you all ignore him and continue with your hatred, can you not see what he is saying to you all?

SKINNY: (turning to Banjaxer who is taking notes of the meeting) Don't write that down, I don't want ANY mention of HIS (points at Rat) moronic blog. Just write down troll.

RAT: It isn't MY blog, that's what I'm trying to tell you, it's MORRISSEY'S blog, my blog is the following blog, I'm just a nobody.

SKINNY: Well you got that bit right, you're certainly a nobody, and a cunt to boot.

(Skinny, DavidT & Scots Tony Brigadier Julie & Banjaxer laugh)

SCOUSE DICKIE: Calm down, calm down, this is getting us nowhere lad. (NB Dickie is dressed in a Liverpool football shirt & has hung a 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out - Liverpool FC banner' from the gallery of the Twitterdilly Arms)

MANC LAD: (lifting drunken head from the bar) Did somebody call me? (turning to Loughton Lil) City won the league, we actually won the frigging league (falls back down onto the bar).

SKINNY: (to Dickie) You don't actually believe this MorrisseysWorld bollocks do you Dickie? Tell me you don't.

SCOUSE DICKIE: (scouse accent - funnily enough) I'll be honest Skinny lad, I didn't take any notice at first, and when ewes lot all dismissed it, I didn't think anything more of it like, I've been too engrossed with the footy and all, but, well, there have been an awful lot of coincidences.

BRIGADIER JULIE: (NB wearing Army camouflage uniform ) My Moz army CERTAINLY don't believe in such nonsense, and I have stopped all talk of the MorrisseysWorld nonsense amongst the ranks. Me and my army are standing shoulder to shoulder with Skinny and his Solo gang.

RAT: But you won't even read the evidence on MorrisseysWorld, how can you dismiss it?

BRIGADIER JULIE: (sticks fingers in ears) LAH, LAH, LAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

DAVIDT: They aren't 'Skinny's' Solo gang, they're 'MINE', it's MY site, I created it, he just works for me.

LOUGHTON LIL: (shouting from the bar) That's a bloody joke, he just marks everything as troll and does what he likes.

SKINNY: Oi, you aren't even in this meeting, this is MY meeting, NOT yours, so shut the fuck up. Twat. Now, where were we?

MEXICAN MOZ: ( Dressed as a lifeguard - Spanish accent) Sorry to butt in, but what ees this MorrisseysWorld, I 'aven't 'eard of eet.

PAUL FREEYOURSELF: Who asked you, Cowboy Joe from Mexico? Hands up, stick 'em up and out you go. (NB Paul is dressed to look like Moz, but is wearing a fake Pierre Cardin shirt and Clarks shoes.)

MEXICAN MOZ: (to Paul) Why are you being 'ostile towards me, I do not even know you.

PAUL FREE: You 'really' think you're Moz don't you? (adopting sarcastic mocking tone) "I'm the Mexican Moz, look at me". (normal voice) Well let me tell you something sunshine, 'I'm' the number one Moz around here, people tell me I'm more Moz like than Moz, so don't go getting any funny ideas right? (turns to Graham Smyth) And that goes for you too, I've seen your act, it's nothing compared to 'Viva Morrissey', and what's more, if you type 'Morrissey tribute act' into google, 'I'm' top, and for the record, Cowboy Joe's lot are second, 'This Charming Band' third, and the 'Sons and Heirs' fourth, your lot are 'nowhere' son, nowhere.

GRAHAM SMYTH: (Dressed as 1983 Moz with flowery blouse) Actually we're listed fifth, but if you type 'Smiths tribute band' into google, 'The Smyths' are top, with 'The Smiths Indeed' second, 'The Smiths Ltd' third, and 'The Smiffs' fourth, where as your 'Viva Morrissey' lot aren't mentioned 'anywhere', and where's your website gone?

PAUL FREE: Me mam's in charge of the web, but she's got a bit behind with the lecky at the minute so we can't get on line.

SKINNY: Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is all well and good, but we aren't here to discuss who is the best tribute act, although I should mention that I've actually got a band too, and we do a great version of...

COUNTESS OF CAMDEN: (interrupting) Can we 'please' get to the point of why we are here, I have a birthday party to go to, to which you're all invited by the way.

PAUL FREE: I'd better not come, it would spoil the show.

BONEHEAD BARTON: (Wearing a 'Why Always Me?' t-shirt that he has, er, 'acquired' from the Man City changing room! - scouse accent) Listen you prick, you aren't fucking Moz, right? There's only one Moz, and as we all know, he is the greatest lyricist ever to live.

BANJAXER: Sit down and shut up you thick thug.

BONEHEAD: (to Banjaxer in a mocking voice) Oh hello! Yeah, I've seen your snidey tweets about me, but I bet you wouldn't say it to me face though, eh? (Banjaxer looks perplexed) (normal voice to everybody), but none of ewes understand what it's like to be me, not ONE of ewes.

PAUL FREE: 'Now' who thinks he's Moz?

BONEHEAD: (ignoring Paul & oblivious to Banjaxer's perplex) So before you start judging me, just take a look at yourselves first, take a long hard loook in the mirror, cos not ONE of ewes is perfect, and look at you all arguing amongst yourselves about who's the biggest fan, or who's the best impersonator, you're all pathetic, the lot of you. (looks at Rat) I know nowt about no MorrisseysWorld site, but if Moz says he wants peace, then why do you all fight? It's just like Moz says, "If you think peace is a common goal, that goes to show how little you know."

RAT: That's one of my favourite songs.

MOZIPEDIA MAN: Yeah, mine too, in fact, if you read my book, I call it the 'great unsung Smiths masterpiece'.

BRIGADIER JULIE: (to Mozipedia Man - gushing) Your book is fab, you're fab too.

RAT: (to Mozipdeia Man) You also say in your book that 'Life is a Pigsty' has "a weakness of pulse", "waxy hollowness" and you dismiss it's genius as "laughable hogwash". Pigsty is 'the' greatest song of all time.

SKINNY: Bollocks. (Turning to Banaxer) Don't write that, I'm not having him say that 'Pigsty' is the greatest song of all time, I'll decide the greatest song of all time.

BANJAXER: What about the freedom of speech thing that you keep harping on about on your website?

DAVIDT: IT'S MY FUCKING WEBSITE, MINE!

SKINNY: (Ignoring David and speaking to Banjaxer) Freedom of speech is all well and good, but only if I share the viewpoint. Now just scrub it out and mark it in the minutes as troll.

ROMINA: Thees is madness, I 'ave lots of 'ousework to do, but we are getting nowhere.

RAT: Can I please try and explain to you all about the second coming?

SCOTS TONY: (NB wearing a string vest and head scarf a la Rab C Nesbitt - thick Scottish accent) Och, this whole Mozziah nonsense has gone too far, you don't even own every Moz record, so how can you be a real fan? And Jesse is shit.

ROMINA: Why did you 'ave to say that? What relevance ees it?

SKINNY: He's entitled to his opinion, nobody can touch Johnny, nobody.

ROMINA: But that doesn't make another man a sheet.

RAT: I happen to think Jesse's brilliant.

SCOTS TONY: But you ain't a musician, and I am, so you know jack shit you sycophantic little scrote.

SKINNY: Here, here, I hope you're getting all this down Banj?

RAT: Listen, PLEASE. All this squabbling is exactly what Morrissey hates, he has brought us MorrisseysWorld so that we can all interact nicely, and all he wants in return is a few roses, as homage to Oscar Wilde, is it too much to ask?

DAVID: I saved that bloke's career with (looks at Skinny) 'MY' website, and what thanks do I get?, a BAN from all concerts. What sort of bloke does that?

RAT: But can't you see 'WHY' you've been banned? You allow your site to pedal hatred, filth and lies about The Mozziah, can you not understand WHY he wouldn't want you anywhere near him? Instead of getting all defensive, why didn't you issue a public apology and put your house in order?

SKINNY: (To Banjaxer) Scrub the mention of The Mozziah, I'm not having that, but you can leave the bit about the filth and all that, that's all true, but as I keep saying, it's freedom of speech.

RAT: But why would you want to have a site that just criticises our God, it's madness!

BANJAXER: He ain't no God, he's just a feller.

RAT: He's a genius, you 'must' all believe that or you wouldn't spend your lives obsessing about him.

SCOTS TONY: Nobody should be above criticism, you really are an arse licking little shit.

(Skinny, DavidT, Paul and a few others shout 'HERE HERE')

RAT: But it's one thing saying what set list you'd like to see, and a completely different one to call the band shit and let false rumours and accusations be posted. Did JC's followers tell him who he should choose as his disciples and did they swap rumours about him and Mary Mag?, NO, they left all that to the enemy. We should all be on the same side, but So-low 'HAS' to change.

SKINNY: Here we go again, it's loony time. You're a fucking fruit loop.

(Skinny, Dave T, Scots Tony, Paul 'Born' Free & the Brigadier all laugh)

RAT: (to Romina) They just keep laughing at me, I can't get through to them.

ROMINA: (To Rat) I know you mean well Rat, but you get a leetle bit too crazy with all thees talk off religion, let me speak to the people. (to the table) Pleeease, Rat means well, but he is right, we mustn't all argue about who ees the best guitarist and what song he must sing. (to Skinny) You 'must' sort out your website or I fear that Morr-ee-say could ban you from his concerts, and you wouldn't want that would you?

DAVIDT: (standing up) It's 'MY' fucking website, MINE, will you please stop calling it 'his'(points at Skinny).

SKINNY: (ignoring Davidt & speaking to Romina) He won't fucking ban me you silly mare, I follow Boz and Matt on twitter you know, and I 'know' people (winks and touches his nose). Now, can we end this silly nonsensical meeting, so that I can get back to monitoring my website?

DAVIDT: IT'S.....oh forget it.

RAT: But you haven't listened to a word, have you not seen ANY of the signs that The Mozz-I, I mean, er, Morrissey has given out? You 'MUST' be able to see that MorrisseysWorld really IS Morrissey? The Countess knows, don't you Countess? (the Countess nods) What about you Mozipedia man, you wrote a doorstopper of a book about him, you 'must' know it's him?

MOZIPEDIA MAN: I'll be honest with you all, I've moved on, I'm writing a book all about Ziggy Stardust now. Mozipedia took over my life for three years, and it corroded my soul. I'm on a Moz break, I haven't paid any attention to MorrisseysWorld, and I'm not interested.

BRIGADIER JULIE: (to Mozipedia Man - gushing) Your Ziggy book sounds fab, I might form the Zig Army.

MARCUS: (wearing a nice pastel button up shirt and crisp chinos - posh English accent) Listen up chaps, we are going off track again, can we have a couple of votes? Firstly, I motion that Solo should either issue an apology or be closed down, and secondly, I motion that everybody take roses to Morrissey concerts, now can we have a show of hands on the first motion, all those in favour of Solo...

SKINNY: (interrupting) Oi Mister lah de dah public schoolboy. Who the fuck do you think you are telling me to take down my website? You have NO right to even 'like' Moz or The Smiths, Moz is a working class hero for Northerners ONLY, and certainly not for public school types like you and Cameron. There is No fucking way I am closing my website, and the roses thing is all 'HIS' (points at Rat) bollocks, as is that poncy fucking MorrisseysWorld, and if you can't see that, then you're a bigger twat than you look.

(As the arguing continues, 'Our Mozzer' enters the pub arm in arm with 'Drag Boz', who is dressed as Log Lady. Moz is wearing a Kerry Katona t-shirt and a denim jacket. The warring factions all look over, but instead of being in awe and wonderment, they continue to argue.)

MOZ: (opening the door and holding it open for Boz. Speaking to Boz) Ladies first, welcome to the Twitterdilly Arms, and welcome to Morrissey's World. (they head to the bar)

LIL: (To Moz & Boz) Evening, er, fellers, what's your poison?

MOZ: The British press, and 'that' lot over there (points to the arguing fans), but I presume you are referring to refreshments, so I'll have a Bailey's and my friend here will have a Babysham.

BOZ: Ladies 'LOVE' a Babysham.

MANCLAD: (sits up and rubs his eyes) Fucking hell, I must be dreaming. I've got something for you.

BOZ: It's not another book about Manchester is it? I don't even 'like' Manchester!

MANCLAD: Sorry Boz, I didn't mean for you, I've got a rose for Moz, I've been meaning to give it to you for ages, now where have I put it? (looks about and sees it on the floor, half trapped under a leg of his barstool) There it is. (picks it up, but there is only one petal left. Hands it to Moz) Sorry about the, well, sorry and, er, thanks for everything.

MOZ: (smiles sympathetically at Manclad and pokes the moth eaten blue rose into the button hole of his Armani jacket). You are too kind.

LIL: (shouting to the group of regulars sat in the corner) Oi, you lot, you seen who's just walked in? It's Moz and Boz.

AIR RAID: Holy shit, it is too.

ROSY MIRES: That's not Moz and Boz, I've seen Boz close up in a pub in Winchester and I can assure you, he looks NOTHING like that. Boz would NEVER dress like that.

HEATHER CAT: He dresses as a woman on stage though Rosy.

ROSY: No he doesn't!

LIZZY CAT: And look, Moz is wearing an Atomic Kitten t-shirt, it's a sign.

ROSY: It's Kerry Katona, she hasn't been in 'The Kitten' for years, it's not 'even' a coincidence.

OLD WILLOUGHBY: Log Lady and a pop act t-shirt were two of the five signs, what were the 'other' three?

GOB: Wear a rose, announce he's on twitter and say he is MorrisseysWorld.

ONLY K: I heard him say welcome to Morrissey's world when he came in.

KIRKY: Yeah, I heard that too.

GIRLWITHOUT: Me too.

CATHY: But he didn't actually say 'I'm MorrisseysWorld'.

ROSY: Exactly, well spotted Cath.

JJ: Close enough though.

MIMI: No, I think we need the actual admittance.

FANCY: Listen to us, we're all bickering like them lot (points to the fractious lot upstairs on the gallery, who are STILL arguing), Moz just wants everybody to get on.

STILLI: Moz 'is' actually wearing a rose, so maybe he 'IS' MorrisseysWorld after all.

ROSY: That 'isn't' a 'full' rose, it doesn't count. Just keep sticking with me kid, I know what I'm doing. (shouts over to the arguing fractions) Skinny, do you want another drink?

SKINNY: (shouting back)Yes please sweetheart, a pint of snakebite and half a dozed packets of Nobby's nuts for us all to share. (to everybody else around the table) Actually, does anybody else want a drink?

RAT: Yeah, cheers Skin, I'll have an apple juice please.

SKINNY: Poof. Romina?

ROMINA: I will be like the Boz Lady and 'ave a Babysham pleese Mister Skinny. You're not such a bad man deep down.

SKINNY: (shouting to Rosy) Here, Rosy, you might want to come and write all these down. (to Davidt) Get your wallet out son, I bought mine and your drinks earlier, so this round is yours.

ROSY: (shouting back) How very dare you, I'm no bloody skivvy, get your own drinks you tosser.

RAT: (to Skinny) Oh shit, looks like you've upset the Brighton Belle, it doesn't take much. Here, I'll write down the order, pass us the pen.

SKINNY: Cheers rat, Brigadier, what can I get you?

DAVIDT: (to Skinny) What do you mean, "what can 'I' get you?" It's 'MY' round.

(The drinks are ordered, the arguing continues, and the locals carry on looking at their Moz pictures in the corner. Meanwhile, Moz and Boz stand at the bar, completely ignored)

MOZ: (to Boz) Boz, do I even exist anymore, or have I become a figment of my own far fetched imagination? You really couldn't make this up. Sup up old son, we might just catch the last game of the night at the bingo. (Boz downs his pint of Babysham in one, while Moz saunters over to the jukebox and puts in a coin. He and Boz then leave as his lyrics fill the room, completely ignored.)

"You hiss and groan and you constantly moan
But you don't ever go away
And that's because
All you need is me

You roll your eyes up to the skies
Mock horrified
But you're still here
All you need is me

There's so much destruction
All over the world
And all you can do is
Complain about me

You bang your head against a wall
And say you're sick of it all
Yet you remain
'Cause all you need is me

And then you offer your one and only joke
And you ask me what will I be
When I grow up to be a man
Me? Nothing!

There's a soft voice singing in your head
Who can this be?
I do believe it's me

There's a naked man standing, laughing in your dreams
You know who it is
But you don't like what it means

There's so much destruction
All over the world
And all you can do is
Complain about me

I was a small, fat child in a welfare house
There was only one thing I ever dreamed about
And fate has just
Handed it to me - whoopee

You don't like me, but you love me
Either way you're wrong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone"




















11 comments:

  1. rat, i m not the lush you think i am, but top marks, you have far too much time on your hands young man

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Rat, I can't stop to laugh...I like the part when Skinny ignoring David...genius! Everybody ignoring David, I use to call him David Tze Tze like a fly!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good stuff Rat - a microcosm of how things have been. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brilliant and quite hilarious!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is all well and good, but how am I ever going to remember my line :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is a great and very funny read Rats and thank you for the
    name check ;-)

    It really conjures up pictures in my mind of all the characters
    in this MozWorld saga.

    Thank you for taking the time to continue writing your blog
    for us all, you would be missed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come back to twitter....with a rose!

      Delete
    2. Agree! Lizzy come back!

      Delete
  7. Enjoyed the blog today, or should I say parable on "The hardest thing to see is what is in front of your face" Amen It was funny. the teasing of Uncle Skinny vs David T's So-low, but sort of sad as to how Moz---and Boz were treated--everyone was so involved with themselves, they missed the truth standing right there. As I said once before, Moz is treated sometimes more as a 'True' myth rather than a real person, but then that's the way it is, you have to find out for yourself --LOL had to work some of my current favorite lyrics/song into this post and what I've been thinking about recently as it keeps playing in my head. Thank you for keeping your blog going.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Straight from the top drawer rats, great stuff!

    ReplyDelete

Mozziah Archive