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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Following The Mozziah Day 250 Monday May 21st 2012

(The scene is set in the most luxurious bedroom suite of the best hotel on the Hawaiian island of Maui. It is early afternoon on Thursday last (May 17th). Former lead singer of eighties pop group The Smiths, 'Morrissey', is laying in bed next to his long time musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer. Both men are wearing 'original' seventies pyjamas, and both are wearing glasses, Morrissey's are in the 'exact' same style as Eric Morcambe's, and Boz's are the 'actual' pair worn & owned by actress Anna Karen in the 1970's. Boz is reading something on his ipad, Morrissey is on the telephone.)

MOZ: (speaking on the phone) Yes, yes alright, I'll tell Julia to take it down, but yet again, I must emphasise that it is a fan site, it is not MY website, I don't have a website, I don't even use the internet. (pause while the person on the other end of the phone is talking) 'That' is a parody website, and again, NOTHING to do with me, you people are scared of your own shadows. (pause while other person speaks) Yes of course I understand, I think the person who runs it has closed it anyway. Now, if you don't mind, I am in the middle of a very demanding tour, and I really don't want to have to think about it until July. Can I just clarify that this call is part of my fully inclusive payment package? (pause while listens to other person) Good.Goodbye. (puts down the phone receiver).

BOZ:  Who was that?

MOZ: Russells

BOZ: Mael or Brand?

MOZ: No Boz, not Russell, 'Russells', and no I don't mean a collective of Russell's, so don't go trying to be funny by asking if it was a conference call with; Meal, Brand, Grant and Potts, it was Russells, my solicitors.

BOZ: Who's Russell Potts?

MOZ: He won Britain's Got Talons.

BOZ: That was 'Paul' Potts, not Russell.

MOZ: I knew that, I was just testing you. Who's that other Russell that won something? (pauses and thinks) Watson, that's him, Russell Watson, what did 'he' win?

BOZ: He didn't win anything.

MOZ: Yes he did, oh, what was it? Mam'll remember (picks up phone and dials)

MAM: (sounding sleepy - Irish accent): Who is it?

MOZ: It's Annie Walker, who were you expecting?

MAM: Steven, it's one o'clock in the morning, what do you want?

MOZ: Well if I'd wanted to know the time mother, I'd have called the speaking clock.

MAM: Now don't you get smart with me young man, you're not too old to go across my knee, you've obviously been at the pop, so I'll leave you and your little friends to it, I'm going back to sleep.

MOZ: Sorry mam, listen, what talent contest did Russell Watson win?

MAM: Search For A Star on Piccadilly, nineteen ninety. Why?

MOZ: (looking at Boz) Search For A Star on Piccadilly you say? Thanks mam, it looks like Boz has lost 'yet' another bet.

MAM: Steven, don't you go humiliating Martin by making him wear the dresses again.

MOZ: Don't worry mam, he loves it. I'll see you later, bye. (puts down phone)

BOZ: You didn't even ask her how she was.

MOZ: She didn't ask me either.

BOZ: By the by, what did your solicitors want?

MOZ: 'By the by'? How very eloquent Boz, I 'really' do believe your use of the English language is improving on a daily basis. Russells called to tell me to take down the statement on 'True to You' about the NME's offer to apologise. They said that I shouldn't have written it, as it could be seen as prejudicing the court case. I pointed out that the website is 'not' mine, and it's just a fan site, but David at Russells says that because I use it for official statements, it could be argued that it 'is' my website, so he's advised I take it down, just to be on the safe side. God only knows why Julia took it upon herself to post the statement, I suppose I'd better call her and tell her to take it down. (looks at watch) I don't want to disturb her though, so let's leave it another half hour.

BOZ: You 'knew' you weren't allowed to post anything about the court case, you told me that months ago.

MOZ: As I say Boz, naughty Julia, but I suppose her little error 'has' allowed my fans and the whole world to see that the NME are admitting guilt. Even if I lose the court case because of the evil legal eagles twisting my every word, at least everybody will 'know' the truth, that the NME  offered to apologise, thus admitting their guilt. Their card has been marked Boz (a wry smile appears).

BOZ: (smiling and almost euphoric) You cunning fox. You're a genius Moz.

MOZ: A very overused word Boz, but on this occasion, perhaps apt, but there's no point trying to get on my good side Bozster, you've lost 'yet another' bet, so it's forfeit time.

BOZ: It wasn't even a bet Moz.

MOZ: (gets out of bed and starts to walk around) You said Russell Watson hadn't won anything, and he clearly had. I have a good mind to make you call up Mr Watson to apologise, it's lies like yours Boz that give artists like Russell and I, a bad name. Perhaps you should offer to apologise to Russell on your twitter, just like the NME have offered to apologise to me on their website thingy which nobody reads. In fact, your one thousand and forty five twitter followers is probably a larger audience than the NME's online readership. The NME shouldn't even 'be' on line, it's a newspaper for Christ's sake, at least it should be. Oh Boz, what's gone wrong with the world? It gives me with no pleasure to see that once great music paper become the non entity that it's become today, but Con Man Mc Knicker Lisp is a bigger liar than you Boz, and he 'HAS' to pay a consequence for the twenty six point two miles of shit he's dragged me through, and an online apology is NOT what I have in mind, I want his head on a plate.

BOZ: (has switched off from listening and is reading something on his ipad. He stops reading & puts down the ipad) Moz?

MOZ: (looking out of the large balcony window at the Hawaiian sea) Yes Boz?

BOZ: I've got a good idea for the show.

MOZ: There's two things wrong with that sentence Boz, a) your idea won't be good, and b) it has no place anywhere 'near' one of my shows, so may I suggest you keep it locked up securely for it's own safety?

BOZ: I think you'll like this one Moz.

MOZ: Boz, after twenty years together, you surely must have realised by now that I very rarely like 'any' idea that isn't mine, and even if I do, I have an inability to admit it anyway, so I can assure you, categorically, that this idea of yours is going nowhere.

BOZ: I think I should have a mid show dress change, I think it would add a bit of je ne sais quoi to the performances.

MOZ: (turns back from looking out to sea to face Boz) Boz, have you come up with that idea all by yourself?

BOZ: Er, yes.

MOZ: Do you know old son, I can't believe these words are actually going to push their way through my pursed lips, but (purses lips) I like it! Here's what we'll do, during 'Let Me Kiss You', I'll sing the 'close your eyes and think' line, and then pass the mic to you, and you sing the 'open eyes despise' line, which will not only be hilarious because it's 'YOU' they see when they open their eyes, but also, you can whip off the sparkly dress, (laughs out loud as he has a thought) and Boz, you're gonna love this bit, you whip off the sparkly dress to reveal Union Jack briefs, well when I say briefs, I probably mean boxers, and you then turn your back to the audience to reveal Prince Charles kissing your backside (starts laughing) , in fact, not just Prince Charles, with the size of your derriere, we can get the whole fucking family on the boxers kissing your arse. (laughs hysterically)Boz, you're a fucking genius, you were right, I 'do' like it, in fact, I 'love' it. You've made my day, now, where can we get Union Jack boxers in Hawaii?

BOZ: I was thinking more of just a dress change out back, perhaps during 'Please, Please'.

MOZ: Not enough comic value in that old son, and anyway, you deserve a double dose of pay back for this one.

BOZ: (looking bewildered) Eh?

MOZ: Does June the second ring any red, white and blue bells Boz?

BOZ: Eh?

MOZ: (tuts three times) Oh dear, just when I thought the vocabulary was on the up, we have two eh's in a row. (picks up the lap top from the bed and types something in. Then reads aloud from the laptop) 'Why not make it a full weekend of British packed fun at 'The Alliance' pub', blah, blah, blah, 'jubilee themed quiz', blah, blah, ah, here it is, 'Saturday the second of June, Boz Boorer dj and special guest band.' You're hosting a fucking jubilee weekend! Do you not read the t-shirts I put you in?, WE HATE the Royals Boz, your jubilee party will make me a laughing stock. I suppose you're running the bar-be-cue too eh? Shit, now you've got me 'eh'ing!

BOZ: (looking embarrassed) I didn't know it was a jubilee night Moz, honest! Lyn asked if I'd dj and I said yeah. I'll cancel if you want?

MOZ: (thinking) No, don't do that, I don't want Lyn on my back, but I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll have you in the 'WE HATE WILLIAM AND KATE' t-shirt, it'll sharpen the night up a bit, which let's face it, with you spinning the wheels of steel, it'll need something. I shudder to think what's on your set list, shall I choose them for you?

BOZ: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that would be great, Nico, Jobriath and the New York Dolls is hardly what the West Hampstead locals will want to dance the night away to thanks.

MOZ: Fair enough, it's your funeral, I'll leave you to it, but don't come crying to me when the dance floor's empty. I have an instinct for an occasion Boz, and I could give you the 'perfect' set for your 'jubilee' soiree, but bollocks to you, you give 'em an evening of Boz blasters. God, I can picture it now, you 'just' won't be able to help yourself, it'll be a case of (picks up hairbrush and talks into it, as if a mic and adopts a Tony Blackburn type voice) 'and now let's step back in time with a real blast from the past, it's the Polecats with John I'm Only Dancing.'

BOZ: (looks sheepish)

MOZ: I was right, you were going to play it weren't you? Oh, fantastic, I'm half tempted to come along.

BOZ: You'd be more than welcome Moz.

MOZ: Boz, I'd rather sit and watch an empty badger set, I'll resist the urge, but thanks for the kind offer, and talking of generosity, would you like your birthday present?

BOZ: It's not my birthday yet.

MOZ: Well it nearly is in England, and you were born in England, so let's start celebrating early, crack open some tinies, by the time we walk on stage in Honolulu, I reckon we'll be slaughtered.

BOZ: This isn't like you Moz.(cracks open two beers and hands one to Moz)

MOZ: Well, you're not fifty every day big fella, and this place makes me actually feel like I'm on holiday, so let's throw caution to the wind. (takes an envelope out of a drawer and hands it to Boz) There you go.

BOZ: What is it?

MOZ: Well, as I say, it's not every day you celebrate the big five O, I've bought you an Aston Martin.

BOZ: Fucking hell Moz, I don't believe it, an Aston bloody Martin, they're over a hundred grand, I'm choked.

MOZ: And I would be too if I'd spent that sort of money, I meant I've bought you a day's hire of an Aston, I'm not 'made' of money Boz, but it wasn't cheap, it was five hundred quid. (pause) You look disappointed Boz, you mustn't let Lyn see, it was her idea, and she's paid half the money. Jesse, Matt and Solomon have all chipped in a hundred quid each too, so try and look grateful.

BOZ: That's five hundred and fifty quid between the four of them.

MOZ: Excellent maths old son, that Open University course is paying dividends I see, but let's not dwell on the expense, it's the thought that counts, and I'm sure you'll love it. Right, let's get these drinks down our necks and then go and look for those boxers, oh and Boz, can you give Julia a bell, I'd better do as I'm told.

1 comment:

  1. :) As always, another awesome 'scenario' post! Once again, thank you for the laughs!


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