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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Following The Mozziah Day 272 Tuesday June 12th 2012

No names have been forthcoming from the anti-MorrisseysWorld brigade, so my 'following' malarky limps on. I was perfectly serious yesterday, I would love to be freed from this prison sentence and allowed to get on with something else in my life, but until this whole phenomenon comes to a conclusion, I just cannot move on. I would really like to write a satirical screenplay, or a comedy drama, but I am compelled to see this through to the bitter end. The end will only arrive when it is proven beyond reasonable doubt, that Morrissey is behind MorrisseysWorld, but hold on, IT HAS been proven beyond reasonable doubt, so why am I still here? I guess, the answer is, I can't let this thing go until the non believers finally see.....or of course, until they prove to me that Morrissey ISN'T behind MorrisseysWorld, but the ONLY 'evidence' that the non believers seem to be able to offer up at the moment is,  'Morrissey just wouldn't do it'.

I actually have nothing against the majority of the non believers, they are just misguided, and although they have blocked and mocked me, I'm not one to bear grudges, and I would dearly love them to see the truth. In the meantime, here is a little parody scene I've knocked up, it is written with tongue firmly in cheek.

MEETING OF THE MOZ ARMY


(The setting is The Twitterdilly Socialist Club, which is a prefab building, just down the road from the Twitterdilly Arms. Brigadier Pigsick (ham-ill, get it? I'll get my coat), the founder of the MozArmy, has called a meeting of some of the Army members, who include; Sergeant Skinny, Corporal Dickie Felt'em, Private MancLad (think 'Sponge' in Dad's Army), Private W. Ego and Private Mires (pronounced Mirez). The Duchess of Carlton-Palmer (amor) and The Countess of Camden (think Mrs Fox from Dad's Army) are also in attendance. It is present day. The meeting has yet to start, and people are milling about in little groups, Corporal Felt'em & Private Ego are at the bar.)

CORPORAL FELT'EM: (to Private Ego - thick Liverpudlian accent): Did you see the England/France game last night?

PRIVATE EGO: (Morose sounding Mancunian droll) You mean the Man City 1 Man City 1 match? Yes, City played well didn't they?

FELT'EM: Stevie G was the best player on the park.

DUCHESS of CARLTON PALMER (American/Aussie mix accent): I don't see how you two can watch that racist team of yours?

EGO: Racist? We've got six black players.

DUCHESS CARLTON-PALMER: So you're saying all the black players are the same then?

EGO: Eh? No, not at all, there is no man on earth who looks like Joleon Lescott.

DUCHESS CARLTON-PALMER: John Terry is racist.

EGO: That's only alleged at this stage.

CARLTON-PALMER: So you're defending him then? That's typical of you lot, I want nothing more to do with you. (Walks away from the bar. Private Ego looks perplexed)

BRIGADIER PIGSICK (Posh English accent): LISTEN UP CHAPS, can I bring this meeting to order? (everybody sits at a shabby looking table, which has a wobbly leg) Thank you all very much for coming at such short notice.

PRIVATE SKINNY (Yorkshire accent): Sorry Brigadier, but before you get started, may I congratulate you on yet another fantastic exclusive interview on that blog of yours.

EVERYBODY: Here, here. (There is a round of applause).

PRIVATE MIRES (Crisp Southern accent, akin with most supporters of BOTH Manchester football teams): Congratulations Brigadier, who was it with this time?

BRIG: Er, Private Felt'em. (Nods towards Private Felt'em, who blushes slightly).

MIRES: (sounding disappointed) Oh! Still, well done none the less, it's always interesting to read anything Moz related. It's a bit of a coincidence that Dickie's here today though.

BRIG: Er, not really, I invited him. Right, the reason I have called this meeting today, is because we have an opportunity to rid ourselves of that nasty piece of vermin, The RatsBack. Now, I am sure you are all aware that he continues to write that pathetic blog of his, and he continues to be particularly unpleasant to a number of us.

PRIVATE MANCLAD (hard to tell accent, slurring): I don't think he means to be unpleasant, he just gets a bit, er, overly enthusiastic.

COUNTESS of CAMDEN (cockney accent): He's always been very nice to me.

CORPORAL FELT'EM: Yeah, and me like, he seems sound enough, in fact, we both have something in common, we both got on to the stage up Greeeat Yarmouth pier.

DUCHESS CARLTON-PALMER: (to Private Felt'em) Hold on, I think you'll find in the brilliantly constructed blog, 'deconstructingmw.blogspot.com',  you are 'proven' to be TheRatsBack, you shouldn't even be here. (starts screaming hysterically) GET OUT, GET OUT.

FELT'EM: 'ey, calm down, calm down.

MIRES: Duchess, please sit down, Private Felt'em ISN'T the rat, they just happened to both be at the Moz concert up Great Yarmouth pier, it's just a coincidence.

SKINNY: In fairness, the Passions Just Like Mine website says NOBODY made it on stage at that gig.

FELT'EM: Well it's wrong then isn't it, you can't believe EVERYTHING you read on these fan sites you know. (to Skinny) Are you calling me the rat too?

SKINNY: No, of course not, I was just saying, that's all.

MIRES: Look, is there any relevance to this, Rat and Dickie both happen to be Moz fans and both happen to have got on the stage at Yarmouth, they are just coincidences, just like the forty five coincidences that Morrissey is MorrisseysWorld, there is an explanation for everything.

CARLTON-PALMER: (to Dickie) Well I'm keeping my eyes on you (makes 'OO' sign around her eyes).

MANCLAD: (to Carlton-Palmer) 'ere, that's a MorrisseysWorld sign, are you the author of MorrisseysWorld?

CARLTON-PALMER: Don't be ridiculous.

MANCLAD: I'm not, I'm perfectly serious, you've accused Dickie, Marcus the Greek and some bloke called Duncan Barkes of being behind it, but perhaps it's you?

CARLTON-PALMER: How do you know that the 'Deconstructing' blog is mine?

MIRES: Yes Manc, you don't KNOW that the Duchess is behind the 'Deconstructing' blog thing, she's never admitted it, it's just a coincidence that the writing style is similar to hers, and I'm sure it's just a coincidence that she put her hands around her eyes like that.

BRIG:(to Mires) Do you call EVERYTHING a coincidence?

MIREZ: Coincidentally, yes.

BRIG: We seem to have veered off track. The reason I called this meeting is because the vermin Rat, who may, or may not be behind MorrisseysWorld.....

MIRES: (interrupting) He isn't, he just happens to write a blog about it, it's a...

EVERYBODY: COINCIDENCE...

BRIG: Yes, yes, we know, but as I was saying, old vermin chops has posted a piece saying that he'll disappear forever if we just give him a name.

SKINNY: I'll give him a name....cunt!

(everybody laughs)

BRIG: Yes, very apt Sergeant Skinny, but what I mean is, if we just tell him who is behind MorrisseysWorld, he's promised to take down his blog full of lies and cancel his twitter.

MIRES: But we don't know who IS behind MorrisseysWorld.

PRIVATE EGO: I do.

EVERYBODY: Really?

BRIG: This is fantastic, I bet it's a mate of yours eh? Just a bit of a jolly jape that got out of hand? Never mind, no real harm done. Who is it then?

EGO: I can't say, I'm sworn to secrecy.

BRIG: Oh come on, you want to get rid of the rat don't you?

EGO: Nothing would give me greater pleasure, but I just can't tell you who it is.

CARLTON-PALMER: Hold on, it's the rat that's behind MorrisseysWorld, everybody knows that.

SKINNY: Yeah, what are you on about Private Ego, we all know that the rat is the deluded nutter what writes it.

EGO: Yeah, yeah, you're probably right, I don't know what I was thinking of, sorry.

FELT'EM: But how could rat make all those predictions, and why is Moz playing along with all those things from the blog?

MIRES: Private Felt'em is right, I KNOW it isn't the rat behind MorrisseysWorld.

CARLTON-PALMER: (to Mires) You KNOW do you? So it's YOU then is it? It's all falling into place now, your 'Mozworldaintmoz.blogspot.co.uk' is VERY similar in style to MorrisseysWorld, and let's face it, you've been quick to call everybody trolls, but none of us actually know your REAL name do we, you're just an anagram of Morrissey.

MIREZ: An anagram of Morrissey? I'd never even noticed that, it's just a....

EVERYBODY: COINCIDENCE, YES WE KNOW.

BRIG: Look, I want this rat out of the way, by whatever means is necessary.

MANCLAD: A spade and baseball bat should do it.

(laughter)

BRIG: All we have to do is come up with a feasible name, and we can be rid of him forever. (to Countess of Camden) Countess, can you shred any light on who could 'possibly' be behind MorrisseysWorld?

COUNTESS of CAMDEN: Oh yes, I've said all along, I have NO DOUBT who it is, it's Morrissey.

BRIG: REALLY? You didn't mention that when I interviewed you.

COUNTESS: You didn't ask, you were more interested in what snacks I'd give him.

FELT'EM: I reckon it's Moz too you know.

BRIG: EH? You didn't say that in our interview.

FELT'EM: You didn't ask me either, you just wanted to know my favourite biscuit.

BRIG: I've got mutiny in the ranks, if you carry on like this, I'll have to ban you from the MozArmy. Private Skinny, give me a name to give the rat. I've never read MorrisseysWorld, but I KNOW it isn't Morrissey, he would NEVER do it, but if what you lot are saying is true, it HAS to be somebody Moz knows, and if it IS somebody Moz knows, or at the very least has met on at least one occasion, then I want to interview them for my blog, and talking of which, can we please hurry up with this meeting, I have an interview to conduct with a man who once met Morrissey on a garage forecourt, and he has a fascinating tale to tell about the brand of windscreen washer Morrissey purchased.

SKINNY: Hmmmphh

BRIG: Private Skinny, remove your head from that bucket of sand, and GIVE ME A NAME.

SKINNY: It's rat, he's the deluded nutter.

MIRES: No, it's definitely not him.

COUNTESS of CAMDEN: It's Moz I tell thee.

CARLTON-PALMER: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

MANCLAD: I believe everybody.

EGO: Look, can't we all just get on together, does it matter if it IS Moz, he's JUST a fella.

BRIG: RIGHT, THAT'S IT. We're just going round and round in circles, so we're just going to have to ignore the little rat shit and pretend this isn't happening.

FELT'EM: What happens if it becomes absolutely blatantly obvious that Moz is behind the blog, what do we do then like?

MIRES: Good point. If Moz sings 'Trouble loves Me' in Manchester, even 'I' won't be able to pass that one off as a coincidence.

BRIG: We just deny, deny, deny.

CARLTON-PALMER: Won't we make ourselves look stupid?

EGO: I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you, you're all doing a good job so far.

BRIG: Meeting closed. Now, where's that guy from the forecourt?


THE 'TWITTERDILLY ARMS' TOP 10 - WEEK BEGINNING SUNDAY 10th JUNE 2012

1. TROUBLE LOVES ME - MORRISSEY (UP 3)
2. YOU HAVE KILLED ME (LIVE IN BOGOTA) - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY)
3. EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY (LIVE IN POMONA) - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY)
4. COME BACK TO CAMDEN - MORRIEESY (UP 2)
5. CUORE (HEART) - RITA PAVONE (DOWN 4)
6. DEATH OF A DISCO DANCER (UNRELEASED DEMO) - THE SMITHS (DOWN 3)
7. PANIC - MORRISSEY (LIVE IN STOCKTON) (DOWN 2)
8. LAST NIGHT I DREAMT (LIVE IN BAKERSFIELD) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 1)
9. I'LL GET YOU BACK - KRISTEEN YOUNG (NO CHANGE)
10. IF I CAN DREAM - ELVIS PRESLEY (NO CHANGE)

STOP PRESS - THE NME HAVE JUST ISSUED AN 'ON LINE' APOLOGY TO MORRISSEY FOR THE 'MISUNDERSTANDING' OVER THEIR 2007 ARTICLE. IT IS NOT YET CLEAR AS TO WHETHER THE NME WILL BE ISSUING AN APOLOGY IN THE ACTUAL MUSIC PAPER, AND IT IS NOT YET KNOWN IF MORRISSEY HAS ACCEPTED THIS APOLOGY AS AN END TO THE COURT PROCEEDINGS.

3 comments:

  1. but rat, i dont want you to leave twitt (not before me anyway) as for the NME, i think they will have to shell out, i would make them 100%

    ReplyDelete
  2. er any chance of any royalties, i mean this is about my third appearance you know, oh god..maybe i am YOU

    ReplyDelete
  3. You should give the youtube links with the top ten list...

    ReplyDelete

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