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Thursday, 26 July 2012

Day 316 - "Portugal Is Off"

(It is the afternoon of July 24th 2012, Morrissey is in his hotel room in Portugal, when his mobile phone rings. He sees that the caller is Boz Boorer.)

MOZ: Good afternoon Mr Boorer, are you calling me for any specific reason or are you merely missing the sound of my voice? If it is the latter, may I suggest you play the 'Live at Earls Court' cd that I very generously gave you for your birthday, my voice is perfection itself on that particular recording.

BOZ: Hi Moz, you don't half crack me up sometimes. (The phone goes dead. Boz stares at his phone for a minute or so and then redials. There is no answer, so Boz redials again. There is still no answer so Boz redials yet again)

MOZ: For fucks sake Boz, what is it? I am trying to write my blog thing, and seeing as your opening gambit was "Hi Moz, you don't half crack me up sometimes", I concluded that the conversation was dead before it had even started.

BOZ: I'm sorry to disturb you and all, but I was just about to book my flight to England, and I wondered if you would like to join me?

MOZ: Martin, how many times have I told you, I NEVER fly with the band. There are two VERY good reasons.

BOZ: I know you don't want the band seeing you scared, but it's just me Moz, the rest of the band are making their own way. (pauses in thought) I don't think you've ever told me the second reason.

MOZ: You are correct on point one Boz, NEVER let your employees see you scared, it shows weakness. The last thing I would want is some drummer or bass guitarist putting an arm around me, saying, 'everything's going to be alright', that would never do.

BOZ: But as I say Moz, it's just me flying back, not the rest of the guys, surely you don't mind flying with me?

MOZ: Hmm, well perhaps it is time to explain reason number two, the one you say I've never told you. To be honest, I've never told you because I don't like the subject matter, but as you've asked (pauses). Boz, what would happen if we were to die in a plane crash?

BOZ: We'd be dead.

MOZ: Great powers of observation old son, but what else?

BOZ: (pauses in thought) We'd go to heaven and be with the angels?

MOZ: Forget the angels Boz, think of something far more important. Do you know who Roger Peterson was?

BOZ: Didn't he sing 'Streets of London'?

MOZ: That was Ralph McTell.

BOZ: Who am I thinking of then?

MOZ: Whistling Roger Whittaker.

BOZ: (excited) You're right! You ARE clever Moz.

MOZ: Anyway, Roger Patterson died in a plane crash on February 3rd 1959, but NOBODY remembers him, do you know why?

BOZ: No.

MOZ: Because the headlines read 'THREE ROCK STARS DIE IN CRASH'. Patterson was the pilot, but his death went unnoticed. But what's even MORE tragic about that headline Boz?

BOZ: Er, oh, I don't know, I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

MOZ: NONE of the 'three rock stars' is mentioned by name! Where are the words 'Buddy Holly' in the headline Boz, where? I'll tell you, NOWHERE. If my plane goes down Boz, I'm not being lumped in with you, and I'm certainly not being lumped in with some drummer, a bassist and a keyboard player; I want TOP billing and nothing less. My headline shall read 'MORRISSEY - THE VOICE OF A GENERATION - TRAGICALLY DEAD - THE WORLD MOURNS', and NOT, 'MUSICIANS DIE IN CRASH.'

BOZ: You forgot Solomon.

MOZ: What?

BOZ: You said; me, a drummer, a bassist and a keyboard player, but you didn't mention our other guitarist, Solomon Walker.

MOZ: I thought he'd left?

BOZ: No, that was his brother, Solomon's still with us, although he's hurt his back at the moment.

MOZ: What do you mean he's hurt his back?

BOZ: He strained a muscle after the gig in Tel Aviv.

MOZ: That was three days ago, why didn't you tell me before?

BOZ: I, I didn't want to bother you, he'll be ok.

MOZ: OK? I don't go on stage with musicians who are just OK. My backing band have to be more than just OK Boz. That's it, tonight's show is off, call the promoters and let them know, and get that Susan woman from New York to put out a statement. Get Julia to post it on True To You, and tip off the Solow lot as well. Make sure the statement mentions that I'm still without a recording contract, I love that bit.

BOZ: Honestly Moz, Solomon will be fine, I wish I hadn't mentioned it now.

MOZ: But you HAVE mentioned it Boz, and I have a duty of care to my employees.(pauses) And more importantly, we haven't cancelled ANY concerts on this leg of the tour, and it is paramount I keep up the mysterious otherness. I can hardly cancel Manchester, not with what I've got planned, so Portugal is OFF. (The phone goes down).

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