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Friday, 7 September 2012

Day 359 - Moz and Boz

(The setting is York Avenue, Whalley Range, Manchester. It is present day. British 'Rock-a-Billy/Indie' guitarist, Martin 'Boz' Boorer, pulls up on the pavement outside a red brick, mid terrace house. 'Rockabilly Guy' by The Polecats is playing on the car cassette player. Boz turns off the engine and closes both his 'Driver's Atlas of the British Isles 1991' and his 'A-Z of Manchester', and places them both in the glove compartment of his light blue Nissan Micra (or whatever that awful looking car in the photo below is!). There is an empty sandwich carton on the passenger seat, along with; two crumpled empty paper bags from Greggs Bakery, two empty crisp packets, a Cadbury's twirl wrapper and an empty bottle of diet coke. Boz sweeps all the rubbish onto the floor, and then brushes off the loose pastry crumbs . There are a couple of slightly larger crumbs, which he picks up, and eats. Boz checks his hair in the rear view mirror, and then gets out of the car. The red brick house has an estate agents board attached to the wall, that reads 'LET AGREED'. Unlike all the other neighbouring houses, this house doesn't have a satellite dish. Boz knocks on the door. The net curtain in the front room is pulled slightly to one side and Betty Dwyer, mother of Morrissey looks out. She smiles at Boz, and then moments later, she answers the door.)


BETTY: (Irish accent) Ah Mortin, it's grand to see you again, do come in (Betty kisses Boz).

BOZ: (rough London accent) Good to see you too Bee, you look younger every time.

BETTY: Oh you flatterer. Well it's no thanks to that son of moine Mortin, I can tell you that for free. Oh the stresses and strains he puts me through. That lovely house we had in Cheshire, and now look (Betty gestures with her right hand). You found us alright then?

BOZ:  I did get a bit lost, I ended up in Longsight.

BETTY: LONGSIGHT? Jesus Mortin, you were well off target over there.

BOZ: Oh, it didn't matter, I popped into Greggs on the Stockport Road and they put me back on track.

BETTY: This must all seem dreadfully dull compared to the glamour of West Hampstead, but it's not all bad. Now, let me pop the kettle on, and I've got a couple of your favourite pain au raisons in, which I'll just warm through. Steven's in his room, it's just up the stairs to your left, and if you need the bathroom, that's to the right. I warn you though Mortin, he's been in one of those moods of his for days now.

BOZ: Thanks Bee. (Boz goes up the stairs and knocks on the door. There is no answer. The sound of the New York Dolls 'Jet Boy' can be heard blasting out. Boz opens the door and sees Morrissey lying on the bed with his eyes shut. Morrissey is dressed in a yellow, nylon, nineteen seventies shirt. Boz closes the door.)

MOZ: (eyes still closed) You took your time getting here Boz, I emailed you five hours ago.

BOZ: I drove as fast as I could. What's so urgent?

(Morrissey gets up from the bed, and gently lifts the arm of the record player off the record. He then picks up a ladies brown 'housecoat' (size XL) from a chair next to the bed. He hands it to Boz, along with a wig and a pair of women's spectacles.) Here, put these on.

(Boz takes the items, and puts them on the end of the bed whilst he starts to unbutton his shirt.)

BOZ: Why am I putting these on?

MOZ: Because tonight Matthew, we are going to be Stan and Olive from 'On the Buses'.

BOZ: (removing his trousers) You've dyed your hair haven't you?

MOZ: It's not dye, it's Brylcreem. I'm getting into character.

BOZ: Well where's your grey bits gone then? They look black to me.

MOZ: The Brylcreem probably just makes them seem a bit darker. Now get your costume on, and I'll dig out the old scripts.

BOZ: Moz, please tell me that you haven't brought me all the way up from London just to reenact an episode of 'On the Buses' with you. I thought we were going to talk about the tour, it's only four weeks away you know.

MOZ: The tour? What is there to talk about?

BOZ: Oh, you know, little things like set lists, costumes, that sort of thing.

MOZ: Boz, how many times do I have to tell you, I decide each set list on the morning of the concert. As long as you, and your band of merry men know each and every one of my two hundred plus marsterpieces, there shouldn't be a problem. I presume the new bass player has learnt ALL the songs?

BOZ: It's a new drummer Moz, not a bass player.

MOZ: Not another drummer, didn't we get a new one quite recently? That's another new name I need to try and remember when doing the band introductions. Do you know Boz, I'm tempted to abandon the introduction thing all together. To be honest, my audience don't give a fig as to who is banging out the beat, they're only there for me.

BOZ: That's a bit harsh Moz.

MOZ: But true Boz, but true. Now, I nearly forgot, how are the sales of your 'Vicars and Tarts' elpee going?

BOZ: I haven't seen any figures yet. Anyway, I didn't record it to achieve sales, I made it for me.


MOZ: Very brave of you Boz, very brave indeed old son. I wish I could adopt the same approach, but of course I can't. I've burdened myself with the need to succeed, and now I find that I daren't release anything, for the fear it might fail. Can you imagine if I released an album and it didn't reach the top ten? Oh the shame.

BOZ: You're your own worst enemy Moz.

MOZ: Do you think I don't know that Boz? Believe you me, I would LOVE to be able to release an elpee just 'for me', but how do you think Simon Le Bon felt after Duran DuWon't's aptly named 'Pop Trash' album peaked at number fifty three in the chart? I'll tell you shall I, he'd have felt shit, and rightly so. Here, look up the chart position of all Duran's studio albums (passes Boz his i pad, which Boz turns on and starts pressing keys). Do you know Boz, that I have released thirteen studio albums in my highly successful career, and EVERY single one of them has gone top eight. Not just top ten Boz, top EIGHT! My UK chart positions, in order, have been: two, ONE, two, two, ONE, eight, four, ONE, four, eight, two, ONE, three. Impressive eh? Now read out Duran's positions.

BOZ: Eh?

MOZ: Read out the positions Duran Duran's albums reached.

BOZ: Oh sorry, I forgot what you asked, I'm playing Temple Run now.

MOZ: For fucks sake Boz, I'm trying to teach you the importance of keeping alive in the music industry, and you're playing computer games. Well it doesn't matter anyway, we've had it Boz, our time is over. We are now officially in the wilderness. I have become Malcolm McFee, which reminds me, has your new drummer learnt 'Little Man, What Now', from my number one, best selling elpee, 'Viva Hate'?

(Boz doesn't reply as he is engrossed in Temple Run )

MOZ: (shouting) BOZ?

BOZ: Oh, er, sorry Moz, er yes, yes, he's learnt everything. Are we going to do that one then?

MOZ: I have no idea as yet, but it would have an ironic feel to it. I could look into a mirror and sing it to myself.

BOZ: (putting down the i pad) Moz, how can you possibly think you're washed up when we've just had a fantastically successful tour of virtually every continent in the world, and we're playing Sydney bleeding Opera House, three days before Christmas? If that's washed up, bring it on.

MOZ: Successful Boz? That South American leg of the tour cost me every penny I had, and some. I'd have had to have been the heir to a small shipping fortune to have been able to afford that tour. Why do you think me and mam are living in this rented hell hole Boz? We're not on some sort of 'Back to our roots' nostalgia trip, we're broke!

BOZ: Why did we go then?

MOZ: What else is there Boz? Without the tours, I am nothing, but it's over now, the money's run out, and let's face facts old son, you and I are all spent. You've become nothing more than a novelty drag act, and I've literally become a parody of my former self, resorting to begging for followers on twotter.

BOZ: Oh yeah, how's the MorrisseysWorld thing doing, I haven't looked for a while.

MOZ: I've closed it down.

BOZ: Again?

MOZ: The MorrisseysWorld blog and twitter account epitomise everything I am trying to say to you Boz. NOBODY is interested in me any more, and if I hadn't been self funding these ridiculously expensive world tours, me and thee would have spent the last three years since 'Refusal', dueting in the Robin Hood on the Barton Road. It's over Boz, we're finished.

BOZ: Moz, the only reason your twitter account isn't taking the world by storm, is because you won't let anyone know it's really you, and as for the concerts, we're still packing 'em in everywhere we play. (Boz picks up the i pad).

MOZ: Have you not read the comments on Solow? The people just come to our shows out of habit, not because they want to. We're nothing more than a circus freak show. By the way, has the new drummer learnt 'Paint a Vulgar Picture' and 'Trouble Loves Me'?

BOZ: Yeah.

MOZ: Good, where was I?

BOZ: You were going on about us being an end of the pier freak show.

MOZ: I didn't mention end of the pier.

BOZ: Sorry, I was remembering it from the last time.

MOZ: What do you mean?

BOZ: Well this is the same speech you gave me before the last tour, and the tour before that, and the tour before that. In fact, ever since I've known you, you've been telling me that you're washed up and finished. If I remember correctly, the next bit is about it being bad enough seeing your heroes fall apart, but when it happens to yourself, it's a thousand times worse. (Morrissey looks broody, and lays back down on the bed and closes his eyes).

BOZ: (reading from i pad) Here we are, Duran Duran's discography: Self titled debut album reached number three, Rio number two, that's a surprise, I'd have thought that would have reached number one. Seven and the Ragged Tiger, number one, which is an even bigger surprise, and then the next nine albums reached; sixteen, fifteen, eight, four, twelve, fifty three, three, forty four and eleven respectively. (continuing to read from i pad) And listen to this, Rolling Stone magazine is calling the next leg of our tour, "one of hottest tours of the fall." You also happen to be on the front cover of this month's Mojo magazine.

(Morrissey says nothing and there is silence for a number of minutes. Boz starts another game of Temple Run).

MOZ: (eyes still closed) It's autumn, not fall. (Boz smiles). (Morrissey gets up from the bed and opens the door) You can go home now Boz.

BOZ: What about 'On the Buses'?

MOZ: Oh, I don't need that now, perhaps another day. You can keep the costume, you might want to use it on tour.

BOZ: We're still going then?

MOZ: Still going? Of course we're still going, we're at the top of our game Boz. The whole world is out there, desperately looking to be entertained, and it's up to us to fulfill their desire. We shall give all that we have, and in return, we shell be showered in roses. Goodbye Boz, I shall see you in Boston. (Boz leaves the room, and the door shuts behind him. As he is walking down the stairs, he hears 'Trash' blasting out from the record player. The bedroom door re-opens very slightly, and Moz pokes his head out) Oh Boz?

BOZ: Yeah?

MOZ: Thanks big fella.

BOZ: (carries on walking down the stairs) No need Moz, no need.

Following The Mozziah will return after the weekend.


  1. Thank you Rats, masterfully done, and a perfect choice to lighten the mood of the past few days. I love the photos! Thanks for giving us some much-needed laughs.

  2. Perfect Rats - loved it. "We're not on some sort of 'Back to our roots' nostalgia trip, we're broke!"

    Great stuff and very fitting for the current times - well played with the car and photo as well, nice touches.

  3. Ditto, ditto, ditto to both Heather's and JG's comments. Just brilliant!

  4. This is so funny Rats, I was laughing out loud.
    Very well-drawn characters and I love the photos too.
    Have you ever thought of writing a sit-com ?
    You would do a wonderful job.
    Amongst many hilarious lines one of my favourites
    is ; " It's not dye, it's Brylcreem."
    And I love the photo of Betty Bacall as Betty Dwyer.
    You've earned the weekend off for giving us a hearty laugh.
    Enjoy it and many thanks xx

  5. Tthat was amusing and made me smile. Thanks Rat

  6. Not as witty or well-written as a MorrisseysWorld original but it's still really good stuff Rat. How I miss MW and your blog is the closest thing to it. So thank you.

    Just the twitticisms should have been enough to make MW go global but you throw in the mystery, surreal references, hilarious ironic parody pieces and it's amazing it didn't become bigger.

    Rat I hope you keep your blog running these darker times. It's one tie to MorrisseysWorld we have left and we don't want to snip 'the umbilical cord.'


    PS hi all, I hope you're well

    1. Hi Luke - well said and nice to see you.

  7. ps any chance of removing the rubbish verifiation sequence that I can't even read though I have 20/20 vision. What about the blind, the old and the depressed?

    1. Hello Luke, they play havoc with my dyslexia too!

    2. Completely agree - this adds unnecessary anxiety to our lives.

    3. Being blind, old and depressed I agree totally. I spend more time attempting to decipher the verification code than writing the comment.

    4. I had no idea that there even was a verification code, it doesn't appear for me! I also have no idea how to remove it, so I suggest you all squint.

  8. Cracking stuff rats & well chosen photos. Many thanks :)

  9. What a treat to the eyes, so many mixed emotions by reading this. Thank Mr Rat. Soon this pair will be here in Boston. And he shall receive at least one blue rose from my hands (on stage)...beware Boston, the Mozziah is coming!

  10. These situational skits of yours are always brilliant, and paint such a vivid picture! :) The "two crumpled empty paper bags from Greggs Bakery, two empty crisp packets, a Cadbury's twirl wrapper and an empty bottle of diet coke" (where there's junk food, there's always a diet coke to chase it down, Lol!), the dialogue complete with "accents," Matthew (Boz), and so on. Thank you for entertaining us once again and keep up the stellar work!

  11. I have just re-read this parody, it's f***ing brilliant.....even though I do say so myself!


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