BOZ BOORER'S CAR, PARKED OUTSIDE MORRISSEY'S RENTED HOUSE
BETTY: (Irish accent) Ah Mortin, it's grand to see you again, do come in (Betty kisses Boz).
BOZ: (rough London accent) Good to see you too Bee, you look younger every time.
BETTY: Oh you flatterer. Well it's no thanks to that son of moine Mortin, I can tell you that for free. Oh the stresses and strains he puts me through. That lovely house we had in Cheshire, and now look (Betty gestures with her right hand). You found us alright then?
BOZ: I did get a bit lost, I ended up in Longsight.
BETTY: LONGSIGHT? Jesus Mortin, you were well off target over there.
BOZ: Oh, it didn't matter, I popped into Greggs on the Stockport Road and they put me back on track.
BETTY: This must all seem dreadfully dull compared to the glamour of West Hampstead, but it's not all bad. Now, let me pop the kettle on, and I've got a couple of your favourite pain au raisons in, which I'll just warm through. Steven's in his room, it's just up the stairs to your left, and if you need the bathroom, that's to the right. I warn you though Mortin, he's been in one of those moods of his for days now.
BOZ: Thanks Bee. (Boz goes up the stairs and knocks on the door. There is no answer. The sound of the New York Dolls 'Jet Boy' can be heard blasting out. Boz opens the door and sees Morrissey lying on the bed with his eyes shut. Morrissey is dressed in a yellow, nylon, nineteen seventies shirt. Boz closes the door.)
MOZ: (eyes still closed) You took your time getting here Boz, I emailed you five hours ago.
BOZ: I drove as fast as I could. What's so urgent?
(Morrissey gets up from the bed, and gently lifts the arm of the record player off the record. He then picks up a ladies brown 'housecoat' (size XL) from a chair next to the bed. He hands it to Boz, along with a wig and a pair of women's spectacles.) Here, put these on.
(Boz takes the items, and puts them on the end of the bed whilst he starts to unbutton his shirt.)
BOZ: Why am I putting these on?
MOZ: Because tonight Matthew, we are going to be Stan and Olive from 'On the Buses'.
BOZ: (removing his trousers) You've dyed your hair haven't you?
MOZ: It's not dye, it's Brylcreem. I'm getting into character.
BOZ: Well where's your grey bits gone then? They look black to me.
MOZ: The Brylcreem probably just makes them seem a bit darker. Now get your costume on, and I'll dig out the old scripts.
BOZ: Moz, please tell me that you haven't brought me all the way up from London just to reenact an episode of 'On the Buses' with you. I thought we were going to talk about the tour, it's only four weeks away you know.
MOZ: The tour? What is there to talk about?
BOZ: Oh, you know, little things like set lists, costumes, that sort of thing.
MOZ: Boz, how many times do I have to tell you, I decide each set list on the morning of the concert. As long as you, and your band of merry men know each and every one of my two hundred plus marsterpieces, there shouldn't be a problem. I presume the new bass player has learnt ALL the songs?
BOZ: It's a new drummer Moz, not a bass player.
MOZ: Not another drummer, didn't we get a new one quite recently? That's another new name I need to try and remember when doing the band introductions. Do you know Boz, I'm tempted to abandon the introduction thing all together. To be honest, my audience don't give a fig as to who is banging out the beat, they're only there for me.
BOZ: That's a bit harsh Moz.
MOZ: But true Boz, but true. Now, I nearly forgot, how are the sales of your 'Vicars and Tarts' elpee going?
BOZ: I haven't seen any figures yet. Anyway, I didn't record it to achieve sales, I made it for me.
BOZ BOORER'S NEW ALBUM - VICARS AND TARTS
MOZ: Very brave of you Boz, very brave indeed old son. I wish I could adopt the same approach, but of course I can't. I've burdened myself with the need to succeed, and now I find that I daren't release anything, for the fear it might fail. Can you imagine if I released an album and it didn't reach the top ten? Oh the shame.
BOZ: Why did we go then?
MOZ: What else is there Boz? Without the tours, I am nothing, but it's over now, the money's run out, and let's face facts old son, you and I are all spent. You've become nothing more than a novelty drag act, and I've literally become a parody of my former self, resorting to begging for followers on twotter.
BOZ: What about 'On the Buses'?
MOZ: Oh, I don't need that now, perhaps another day. You can keep the costume, you might want to use it on tour.
BOZ: We're still going then?
MOZ: Still going? Of course we're still going, we're at the top of our game Boz. The whole world is out there, desperately looking to be entertained, and it's up to us to fulfill their desire. We shall give all that we have, and in return, we shell be showered in roses. Goodbye Boz, I shall see you in Boston. (Boz leaves the room, and the door shuts behind him. As he is walking down the stairs, he hears 'Trash' blasting out from the record player. The bedroom door re-opens very slightly, and Moz pokes his head out) Oh Boz?
MOZ: Thanks big fella.
BOZ: (carries on walking down the stairs) No need Moz, no need.
Following The Mozziah will return after the weekend.