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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Day 391 - Tea For Two and Two For Tea


Tonight, Morrissey will be appearing on New York's 'The Colbert Report', and will, according to his 'official' 'unofficial website' True-To-You.net, be singing 'People Are The Same Everywhere' and 'I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris', although I'm sure the announcement originally said 'Action Is My Middle Name ' was going to be sung and NOT 'People', I wonder why it was changed?

 The Colbert Report's 'official' website, ColbertNation.com, has posted a link to Morrissey's 'official' website, ItsMorrisseysWorld.com, which hasn't been updated since early 2011, and STILL has a home page that advertises the forthcoming release of 'Glamorous Glue' and the 'Very Best Of Morrissey.' Does Morrissey even have the password to this website? He should sack his manager!



"I STILL DREAM OF A MANAGER WHO ACTUALLY MANAGES. BUT THEY DON'T EXIST"

TTY has also announced that 'Morrissey will be interviewed whilst in New York by Victoria Wood for British television.' Before anybody gets too excited, I have found the following on the interweb:

'Victoria Wood looks at the history of Tea and it's unique place in British culture.  2 x 60 minute documentary series about TEA, for BBC1, to be presented by VICTORIA WOOD. Programme one deals with all things domestic, from the arrival of tea in the 1600s as a luxury item, through to present day, considering all aspects of how tea is produced, marketed and consumed in the UK and the unique traditions and rituals associated with the Great British Cuppa, including Afternoon Tea, the Tea Dance, as well as the significant role tea played in maintaining morale during WWII. 
      In programme two Victoria travels to India, China and America, to reflect upon the role the simple beverage, tea, played in building Britain’s Empire and shaping the destinies of these modern superpowers.'


VICTORIA WOOD: AS SEEN ON TEA-V


It is fairly safe to assume that Morrissey's interview will take place (may have already taken place) as part of Programme two, as Victoria talks about the Boston Tea Party of 1773. Let's picture the scene:


VICTORIA WOOD: (speaking to camera) So here I am, standing on the dock of Boston harbour, where in 1773, the activist group, the Sons of Liberty threw tons of tea leaves into the water, an act that later became known as the Boston Tea Party. This act of defiance by the American people against the ruling British government, was a major turning point in America's claim for independence, which as every good schoolboy knows, was declared on July the 4th, 1776.



BOSTON HARBOR

(Cut to 'Tea & Sympathy', a British tea shop in Greenwich Village, New York, where Victoria Wood is sat at a table with Morrissey. There is a camera man filming and a producer lingering behind. The table is decked with lace doilies, two bone china cups and saucers, a silver sugar bowl and a traditional English cake stand)





VICTORIA WOOD: (to Morrissey - holding tea pot) Shall I be mother?

MORRISSEY: Well, I've left my pinny in Stretford Victoria, so yes, the mother's role is all yours.




VICTORIA WOOD - MOTHER


VICTORIA WOOD: (pouring tea)  So, Morrissey, you're here in America on tour with your band, and as a British citizen you would have required a Visa (passes tea to Morrissey).......

MORRISSEY: (taking tea & interrupting ) Thank you. No Victoria, I have no Visa, I stowed away in your hand luggage, as you fully know. (taking a cake from the stand)You are an accessory to the crime.

VICTORIA WOOD: (laughing) ......but if it hadn't been for the good old tea leaf, we Brits might not have needed Visas to visit the U-S. America might still be under British rule.

MORRISSEY: (rubbing his chin) It would, Victoria, it would (smirks to himself at his play on words and takes a sip of his tea). The American people rebelled against the inept British government and placed the power of rule into the hands of their own, who have proven over a two hundred year period to be more than EQUAL to us Brits when it comes to ineptness. (Morrissey smirks again and takes a sip of tea while Victoria also smirks, and looks over at the producer for some guidance. The producer shrugs his shoulders.)

VICTORIA WOOD: Well perhaps we should keep away from modern politics.

MORRISSEY: As should Mitt Romney, Victoria, as should Mitt Romney. (Victoria laughs out loud).


FORMER ENGLAND GOALKEEPER - MITT ROMNEY


VICTORIA: (still laughing, turns to the producer and camera man) This is hilarious, but are we actually going to be able to use any of it in the documentary?

PRODUCER: Let's just keep it rolling, we can always change it in the edit, you know, take bits out, add bits in.

MORRISSEY: (speaking to the producer) Do you 'know' Conor McNicholas?

VICTORIA: (regaining her composure) So, Morrissey.

MORRISSEY: You used a 'So' at the very beginning of our conversation Victoria.You're not in Prestwich now, this is the BBC, try again. The Oxford English dictionary has thousands of alternatives to 'so', and you needn't limit yourself to just the two lettered words, try three, or if you REALLY want to push the boat out, go for a four.

VICTORIA: (laughing) I wish I'd brought my dictionary with me.

MORRISSEY: Well you won't find one around here, the Americans only use five words, and three of those they spell incorrectly. As they say over here, there's no 'u' in humour, and that's BEFORE they've seen your act Victoria (Victoria laughs, Morrissey smirks and sips his tea). I think it's fair to assume that the 'Sons of Liberty' threw Doctor Johnson's 'Dictionary of the English Language' into the harbour with the tea, and of course that's harbour spelt without a 'u'. (Victoria laughs, Morrissey sips his tea).

VICTORIA: So....sorry, er, well then Morrissey, do you know anything of the Boston Tea Party?

MORRISSEY: (shaking his head at Victoria's poor use of opening words) WELL THEN, Victoria, I do know a little of American history, in fact, probably more than the majority of the Americans, but then again, Boris Johnson could possibly make the same claim, so it's hardly something to brag about  (takes another sip of tea).

"AMERICA IS REALLY BIG"


VICTORIA WOOD: So, (under her breath to herself) bugger, (to Morrissey) what is it you know of the 'Sons of Liberty'?

MORRISSEY: (puts cup down, licks his upper lip, crosses his legs and leans back slightly into in his chair) If it hadn't been for those brave revolutionists of the seventeen hundreds Victoria, the Americans would now be ruled upon by Harry, the naked Prince of Las Vegas (Victoria laughs). Bill and Hillary Clinton would have been replaced by David and Victoria Beckham, and the Mayor of New York would be none other than Russell Brand (Victoria laughs loudly, while Morrissey leans forward and takes a sip of tea). Dame Susan Boyle would of course be sat in Washington, keeping a watch over them all. (Victoria laughs again). 

VICTORIA: (wiping tears from her eyes) I can't see us being able to use ANY of this interview, this is supposed to be serious.

MORRISSEY: And you are SUPPOSED to be a comedienne, but SO far, I haven't laughed once. Is your act always this bad?

VICTORIA: (now crying with laughter again) Stop it, will you PLEASE be serious for one minute?

MORRISSEY: I have spent a lifetime being serious, I am sure I can provide you with a further sixty seconds for your BBC documentary. SO, Victoria, on a SERIOUS note, perhaps the time has come for us Brits to follow the American lead, and throw tea into the harbour at Grimsby in the hope that we can rid ourselves of Queen Elizabeth and the rest of her parasitic family (takes a sip of tea). I presume that there IS a harbour in Grimsby, Victoria?

VICTORIA WOOD: (still laughing, but looking slightly bewildered) Er yes, I DO believe there is.

MORRISSEY: Good, then we shall all meet at Grimsby Harbour next Wednesday, just after four pm,  and we will CAST our PG tips into the murky waters of the North Sea. Her Royal lowness will IMMEDIATELY realise that her antiquated system of rule has FINALLY come to an end, and she will INSTANTLY declare each of the commonwealth countries, a republic. Grimsby's very own Ella Henderson shall be declared the new leader of The Republic of England, and shall govern from Grimsby itself. Who knows Victoria, perhaps the Royals will EVEN stop shooting stags, or have I gone into fantasy mode?

VICTORIA: Morrissey, thank you very much. (holds up the tea pot) More tea vicar?


MORRISSEY SIPS HIS TEA - ONE LUMP OR TU-TU?



GRIMSBY HARBO'U'R




THE TWITTERDILLY ARMS TOP 10 - WEEK BEGINNING SUNDAY OCTOBER 7TH 2012

1. SPRING-HEELED JIM (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
2. TROUBLE LOVES ME - MORRISSEY (UP 5)
3. FANTASTIC BIRD - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
4. A RUSH AND A PUSH AND THE LAND IS OURS (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
5. HOW SOON IS NOW? (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
6. I KNOW IT'S OVER (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
7. EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
8. OUIJA BOARD, OUIJA BOARD (LIVE IN BOSTON) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
9. FRANKLY MR SHANKLY - THE SMITHS (NEW ENTRY)
10. HEART - RITA PAVONE (DOWN 4)




MOZZER'S 'SPRING HEELED JIM' EDGES PAST RAT'S FAVOURITE 'TROUBLE LOVES ME', TO TOP THE TWITTERDILLY CHARTS

10 comments:


  1. May I congratulate you on your research Rats ?
    I must say that I was slightly disappointed to
    discover that the Victoria Wood interview with
    Moz was not a proper interview, but more a
    documentary on tea, which we all know Our
    Mozzer loves. I am sure it will be interesting
    to hear Mr M talk about his addiction to a cup
    of char however.
    A very funny exchange between TRM and Victoria.
    Certainly ' Action Is My Midle Name ' was due
    to be sung on the Colbert Report tonight, so
    I too wonder why it was changed ?
    It is very bad research if that programme
    cannot link to a more up - to - date Morrissey
    website.
    Thank you for the Top Ten today, which was a
    particularly lively version !!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would like to apologise for my disruptive behaviour (with a 'u')today Rat and especially for giving you such a fright that you called me a wanky twat. Which I was, for frightening a man in your condition.

    Still, recovery continues apace and it was, as the mozcat says, a lively chart show.

    Where DID you disappear to with Romina whilst smoking your Cuban cigar?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only read all the tweet exchanges this afternoo and they did make me lol. I just love the humour in the Twitterdilly Arms!

      Delete
  3. Great use of the picture, Rat! :)
    Doesn't that website still belong to Moz's last record company? Hence it being the 'official' one... He should have made MorrisseysWorld his official one!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I got a little somethin' for ya
    (I got a little somethin' for you)
    Na na na na na na na na na

    I got a little somethin' for you
    I got a little somethin' for you
    Ain't that thoughtful of me
    Ya know I been wanting
    I been really wanting
    To give this to you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds quite enticing. But what ever could it be - tea?

      Delete

    2. I just knew that those were not your lyrics M1959 !!

      Very intrigued in what you are referring to.

      Hope the TV show goes well, all the best !!
      ( Can't wait to watch it. )

      Delete
  5. This is a very interesting post! History, language,tea and fun! Writing a parody before the real interview is an interesting experiment, well done Rat!

    ReplyDelete
  6. this is very funny post - and uncannily accurate!

    ReplyDelete

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