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Friday, 30 November 2012

Day 443 - MORRISSEYSWORLD - WHAT A CARRY ON! PART 1

MORRISSEYSWORLD - WHAT A CARRY ON! (PART 1)

The scene is an upstairs office, in the Wolos Yard Police Station. There are approximately thirty police officers sat around the room, with some perched on desks due to a lack of chairs and space. The majority of the officers are not normally based at Wolos, and have been brought in from other stations. They are all awaiting the arrival of Wolos' senior officer. Among those waiting are PC Liam Ireland Loughton (known to his friends as Lil, due to his initials), PC Manclad, PC Rattus, PC Marcus Theo Greek, PC Com Harps, PC Menippus (the intellectual of the group) and WPCs Gobiva, Rosy Mires, Kellie Crisp, Romina Ricci and the two Cat twins, Heather and Lizzy. It is a Friday, and the group are in a very relaxed mood, looking forward to getting down the pub at the end of their shift. PCs Loughton and Manclad (two close mates who work together at another station) are in particularly good moods, and have been sharing jokes. PC Loughton has just told a joke that has PC Manclad in hysterics. Just then, the door opens, and three men walk in. Two of them take a seat at the front of the room, the other man stands in front of them, ready to address the audience. He notices Manclad laughing and stares at him. Manclad looks down at the floor and holds in his laughter.


D.C.I. TACKLEHARD: (In a Chinese accent) Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Detective Chief Inspector David Tacklehard, but most people call me David T, or Tze Tze. I am the senior officer here at Wolos Yard, and I have called you all here today to review a cold case, ie, a case that has gone cold. (There are a number of sniggers from the group)

PC LIl LOUGHTON: (In a thick Irish accent - Quietly to PC Manclad, who is sat next to him) Tacklehard of the yard? Pinch me mother, I must be dreaming! (PC Manclad does his best to hold in a laugh, but lets out a small snort from the back of his throat. Tacklehard hears the snort and looks over at Manclad.)

DCI TACKLEHARD OF THE YARD


D.C.I TACKLEHARD: (In a mocking tone) Oh hello, we've got the laughing policeman in our midst (Manclad snorts again and holds in his laughter, as does Loughton). Something you want to share with us?

(Manclad shakes his head and looks back down at the floor, doing his best not to let Tacklehard see that he's still laughing, and making sure he avoids eye contact with Loughton. PCs Rattus and Marcus T. Greek, plus a few others, have noticed Manclad and Loughton repressing their laughter, and they too are now smirking. Tacklehard removes his stare from Manclad and readdresses the whole room. )


PC MANCLAD - THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN


D.C.I. TACKLEHARD: Now then, the reason you've ended up on my doorstep this morning, is because I want to reopen this MorrisseysWorld case. Let me make one thing clear, I don't cut corners, so we're going to be going over this matter with a fine tooth comb, I want no stone left unturned. (looks around the room, and lets his gaze fall on Manclad) I aught to tell you, I'm a no nonsense copper, and I don't suffer fools gladly.

PC GREEK: (Posh English accent, but with some fake 'Street Greek' thrown in for good measure- Quietly under his breath, but loud enough for Loughton, Manclad, Rattus and co to hear) Blimey, I wonder who his favourite footballer is, Gael Cliche? (Loughton and Manclad both try to hold in their giggles, but both release slight snorts. PC Greek and the others smile.)

D.C.I. TACKLEHARD: (Stares at Loughton and Manclad and addresses them in a mocking tone) Oh my, there's now two of them! The laughing policeman has been joined by the laughing gnome! (Loughton and Manclad snort further, and desperately try not to catch each others eye) Is there something funny that you two would like to share? (The two men shake their heads, doing their best to hold in their laughter) Right then, well if it's alright with Mahoney and Zed, I shall carry on. (Loughton and Manclad stifle yet more giggles and Tacklehard addresses the whole group) If this is the way that you lot go about your police work, then it's hardly surprising that you haven't managed to crack this MorrisseysWorld case. Right, let's start at the very beginning.....

PC RATTUS: (Under his breath but loud enough for Loughton, Manclad and Greek to hear) Fuck me, he's turned into Julie Andrews now. (Loughton, Manclad and Greek look at each other and all snort out loud, but then repress their sniggers. Rattus smirks.)


TACKLEHARD: (Looking at the three snorters) Oh good, Moe and Larry have been joined by Curly, now we've got all three Stooges.



L TO R: LOUGHTON, MANCLAD AND MARCUS T. GREEK


TACKLEHARD: (addressing the whole room) Let me make something VERY clear, not just to those three clowns over there (nods towards Loughton, Manclad and Greek), but to all of you. I want NO cock ups on this case.

PC HARPS: (Quietly to Loughton, Manclad, Greek and Rattus)  Did you hear that? Old hard tackle doesn't want a cock up. (Loughton, Manclad, Greek and Rattus all snort out loud, and have tears streaming from down their faces. Harps smiles, and is close to laughter too. WPC Romina Ricci has heard what Harps said, and is also smiling. The five men look at the floor, avoiding eye contact at all cost.)

( DCI Tacklehard stares in the direction of the smirking PCs, but as they are all looking at the floor, he looks back to the whole group.)

TACKLEHARD:  I shall now hand you over to my assistant to take us through MorrisseysWorld, step by step. I'm sure this man  needs no introduction (gesturing with his hand in an introductory manor), but to those of you who may not know him, may I introduce Detective Sergeant Dickie Feltem.


D.S DICKIE FELTEM


PC MENIPPUS (Quietly to Loughton, Manclad, Greek, Rattus and Harps, with an exasperated sniggering laugh in his voice) Tacklehard and Feltem? This just gets better! (Loughton, Manclad, Greek, Rattus and Harps all make the mistake of looking up towards Menippus, and as they all catch each others eye, the tears start to roll. They are all close to bursting.)

SERGEANT FELTEM: (In thick scouse accent, and gesturing with his hands) Eh, eh, calm down, calm down. This MorrisseysWorld thing is no laughing matter you know, it's serious stuff.

LOUGHTON: (Tears pouring down his face) I thought it was a parody? (The gigglers continue to giggle. Tacklehard and Feltem look at each other in bemusement.)

TACKLEHARD: (Addressing Feltem and the other man sat with him) I don't get it, I just don't get it. Am I missing something? (The two men shrug their shoulders)

WPC ROMINA RICCI: (Thick Italian accent - with her hand in the air) Excusing me. Captain Hardtackle, I wouldn't worry too much of the time, I'm thinking that Lil and Rat and the friends are just all feeling a bit fruity today and with you being such a stiffy, it just sets off their giggles.

(The whole place falls about laughing, including Dickie Feltem. The only two not laughing are Tacklehard and the other man at the front, who has not yet been introduced.)

WPC ROMINA RICCI: (trying to look innocent) What did I say? What did I say?


WPC HEATHER CAT (FOREGROUND LEFT) THROWS HER HEAD BACK IN HYSTERICS. WPC STILL.I.CLING (FAR RIGHT) CAN'T SEE THE FUNNY SIDE.

(The laughter eventually subsides. Tacklehard has sat down, and is shaking his head. Sgt Feltem senses that the D.C.I looks beaten, so stands up and addresses the group)

FELTEM: (scouse accent still!) Loook, D.C.I Tacklehard has asked you all here, to find out what's been going on with this MorrisseysWorld lark, and I'd like to find out too. My eye has been off the ball what with me being so wrapped up in me new booook and all.

MENIPPUS: Booook?

FELTEM: That's right soft lad, I've got a new booook coming out next week (holds up a copy) Morrissey International Airport.

LOUGHTON: Is it another parody?

FELTEM: Eh?

LOUGHTON: Is it a parody? You know, is it Morrissey pretending to be an airport?

MENIPPUS: (very serious) No, no. I see what Dickie's done, and it's very clever, very clever indeed. He's portrayed Morrissey as a central point in the world, and has shown people just passing through him, without any thought for how he feels. I bet it's Heathrow, (to Dickie) IS it Heathrow Dickie? No, don't spoil it for me, let me find out for myself, (readdressing the whole group)  It's brilliant, quite brilliant, and I love the way that Dickie has chosen an airport, and not say, a shipping port. An airport is SO apt, especially with Morrissey's hatred of flying. It really is very, very clever. (Suddenly getting excited) Oh god, and of course, the airport theme fits in with those other great bastions, President Kennedy, Achmad Yani, Jorge Newbery, John Lennon, George Best, all of whom are now just airports! It's genius Dickie, genius, I can't wait to read it.

PC MENIPPUS - CAN'T WAIT TO READ DICKIE'S BOOOOK



FELTEM: (looking confused) Er, thanks, but actually, it's just about Morrissey fans who travel about a bit to watch him in concert.

D.C.I TACKLEHARD: (leaping to his feet) Listen, we don't seem to be getting anywhere here, can somebody PLEASE give us a review of the MorrisseysWorld case? (Points at Mires) YOU! What do you know of MorrisseysWorld?

WPC MIRES: Oh, I know EVERYTHING. (Takes her pocket book out of her jacket and flicks back through a number of pages). In case you're wondering sir, MorrisseysWorld definitely ISN'T run by Morrissey, we can all be quite sure of that. Morrissey would NEVER do such a thing, just listen to his lyrics.

TACKLEHARD: Well, that's why we're here WPC, sorry, what's your name?

MIRES: My name is Mires (pause), Rosy Mires.

TACKLEHARD: Well, WPC Mires, none of us KNOW anything, so please keep your mind open. Us cold case experts never close ANY door.

LOUGHTON: (Quietly to his motley crew) I bet it's freezing in his house.

WPC ROMINA RICCI: An old saying in Rome says, the man who closes the doors, must at least keep the window on the latch. Anyway, I'm very busy for studying and need to pick up the children. Sorry Captain Tickletackle, I'm must be going. (Romina leaves).

Italian police woman photo, italyan kadın polis resmi
WPC RICCI - BUSY


TACKLEHARD: (addressing the whole group) Who discovered MorrisseysWorld first? (Everybody looks around at each other.)

WPC KELLIE CRISP: (Thick Aussie accent) Wasn't it YOU Rat?

PC RATTUS: No, I was quite a latecomer, MorrisseysWorld started in December 2009, I didn't find it until (looks in his pocket book) September 15th 2011, it had been around for nearly two years before I found it. I thought it was Manclad.

MANCLAD: No, I only found it when True to You linked it, I think Com was there before me, weren't you Com?

PC COMRADE HARPS: I found it in May 2011, but also after the True to You link. The only person I bumped into around that time was PC Anon, he's always claimed to have been the first.

TACKLEHARD: Which one of you is PC Anon? (The room goes silent, but everybody turns around, and looks over to the far corner of the room, where a figure is gently rocking backwards and forwards, talking to himself about a bunny.) Is that PC Anon? Can somebody go and bring him over?

WPC GOBIVA: You'll get no sense out of him sir, he's a bit like the jailer in Life of Brian.

TACKLEHARD: Who's this bunny he's rabbiting on about? Is this bunny character behind MorrisseysWorld?

WPC LIZZY CAT: Bunny's a red herring sir.

TACKLEHARD: This is all starting to sound very fishy.

LOUGHTON: (quietly to others) Oh shit, here we go again.


PC 'BUNNY' ANON - A RED HERRING


WPC HEATHER CAT: (addressing D.C.I Tacklehard) I think it's irrelevant as to who found MorrisseysWorld, surely you just want to know who's behind it?

TACKLEHARD: Yes, yes I do. Now, WPC Mires, have you found all of your notes yet?

MIRES: Yes, sir.

TACKLEHARD: Right, then when did it all start?

MIRES: Well sir, (reading from pocket book notes) it would seem that PC Rattus is quite correct, the MorrisseysWorld blog thingy started in 2009, but NOBODY left any comments, until Comrade Harps on May 17th 2011.

TACKLEHARD: But Harps has already said he discovered MorrisseysWorld because of an announcement on True To You. When was that announcement?

MIRES: Er, (looks at notes) May 14th 2011.

TACKLEHARD: So, before May 14th, when True To You mentioned MorrisseysWorld, NOBODY at all had found it?

MIRES: That's right sir. (A voice shouts from the back of the room and everybody turns around)

PC ANON: I had found it. I didn't need an advertisement from some unofficial fansite to let me know what was out there. Some of us can find things for ourselves without having to be told what to look for. It doesn't make me any less of a fan than other fans just because I don't wave roses around or go to watch concerts. I was there at the very beginning but nobody wants to know my story, nobody cares about my feelings. And don't go thinking that bunny cares. Bunny just does his own thing.

BUNNY - A MAJOR PART OF MORRISSEYSWORLD, BUT IGNORED BY THE MASSES


TACKLEHARD: (To WPC Mires) What EXACTLY did the True To You statement say?

MIRES: (reading notes) "Morrissey would like it known that the site known as MorrisseysWorld.blogspot is a fake. Morrissey has no connection with the site and is therefore not the author of anything written on the site."

SERGEANT FELTEM: Why would Morrissey issue a denial when Nobody at all had EVER mentioned this blog thing?

TACKLEHARD: Yes, it's very strange that Morrissey should have done that. I remember reading it at the time and thinking no more about it. I, like the masses, took it at face value, but perhaps there was more to it? You lot are all detectives, did any of you investigate it at the time? (PC Harps puts his hand up, but nobody else) Now, there's somebody else I've brought along today (gestures towards a man sat next to Sergeant Feltem), this is Special Constable Peter Thinun, known to his friend as Uncle Skinny. Perhaps you can shed some light on Morrissey's first denial Uncle Skinny? Remember, keep your mind open.

PETER THINUN: (thick Yorkshire accent) Aye, 'appens I can shed some light, it ain't Morrissey, it's some coont having a laugh at my expense.

TACKLEHARD: (shaking his head) I thought it might be a mistake bringing you along. Here, put this fluorescent yellow jacket on and go and direct the traffic in the town. (Hands Special Constable Thinun a jacket, and Thinun leaves the room. Tacklehard looks at his watch and readdresses the room.) Look eveybody, we don't seem to have got very far today, let's meet again at 9am tomorrow morning and see if we can get to the bottom of this MorrisseysWorld mystery once and for all.)

NEXT TIME:

Tacklehard of the yard goes through the WHOLE of the history of MorrisseysWorld with a fine tooth comb, leaving no stone unturned (which is what was supposed to have happened in today's piece, but somehow it got sidetracked with all the other stuff), whilst WPC Ricci returns to help the investigation, along with Special Constable Thinun, who is released from his traffic duties due to giving parking tickets to moving vehicles. Sergeant Feltem goes AWOL, rumoured to be on a book signing tour, and continues to miss out on MorrisseysWorld.


Morrissey International Airport























AVAILABLE FROM WWW.DICKIEFELTON.COM

(Please leave a comment if you would seriously like Part 2. Feel free to request certain characters or skits, and if I can, I'll work them in.)

16 comments:

  1. Part 1: I am honored to be included and feel, as usual, unworthy.

    Part 2: please!

    Character suggestions: PC NotMoz, PC Admin Guy, PC Log Ldy (she should be obscure)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Quality Rat: "Sorry Captain Tickletackle, I'm must be going. (Romina leaves)."

    Keep it going - the MW world story from yet another angle and it still makes sense.

    More please or I'll get PC Manclad and WPC Mires in the canteen to plot revolution and hijack.



    ReplyDelete
  3. I have read this after tonights chat with Our Mozzer and needed it to laugh at myself! Thank you so much, Rat. More than you'll ever know!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks Rat, of course we want part 2! Very funny incorporation of Bunny into the story and great pics as always. Looking forward to the continuation...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Rat, I'm writing this comment for the tbird time, my mobile is totally mad, anyway I want part two and I'm very happy for the pic of me...me like Manuela Arcuri from Carabinieri...Ciao and sorry for the anonymous....this silly mobile...Romina Ricci, from Rome.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That's entertainment.... Thank you rats.

    I would be pleased to play a part, disguised as Juliet Bravo.

    ReplyDelete

  9. After ( another ) emotional evening in chat with Our Moz, I was too
    knackered to read your blog last night.

    I have really enjoyed reading it today at work, stifling laughs all
    the way through.....!!
    Carry On Policeman indeed !

    Please write a Part Two. And any chance of a promotion to a DCI ??



    ReplyDelete
  10. So, all of you seem to be rational human beings, so please consider the irrational behavior of the operator the Morrisseysworld Twitter and Blog. The constant threats to shut down both sites seem to be a bit much; additionally, the closing and opening of the Twitter site is really a bit disrespectful to those of you who follow it so closely.

    Humor me for a minute; if the person running these sites actually cared about its followers or its posters, wouldn't he or she be a bit more considerate? Come on. Those here have to be a bit frustrated, correct.

    Being a fan is one thing, but the allowance of this individual to treat each of you this way is a bit disconcerting. Remember, we are dealing with an adult (I think); perhaps, he is an emotionally unstable one?

    Cheers.

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