(PREVIOUSLY ON 'MW-WHAT A CARRY ON!' : Detective Chief Inspector David Tacklehard of the yard had called together a number of detectives and constables from various stations, to try and help him solve the mysterious MorrisseysWorld case, which despite many clues, had gone cold. The meeting hadn't started well for Tacklehard, whose authority was undermined by a number of jokers in the pack. The only thing that Tacklehard had so far ascertained, was that True To You DEFINITELY drew publicity to MorrisseysWorld, at a time when NOBODY, with the exception of the troubled PC Anon, had even heard of it, let alone presumed it was Morrissey behind it. The meeting was adjourned, and overnight, Tacklehard has raided a bedsit in the area, belonging to well known mischief maker, Walter Ego.)
D.C.I TACKLEHARD LOOKS FOR CLUES UNDER WALTER EGO'S MATTRESS
(The raid proved fruitless, although the posters on Ego's bedsit wall were taken away for forensic examination, as Tacklehard suspected that they may have been contaminated! The story now continues, with everybody arriving back at Wolos Yard Police Station. Sergeant Feltem has called in sick, but Traffic Warden/Special Constable Peter Thinun has been brought back in, along with WPC Julie Hamfist, who is an expert in the Moz field, having founded the Moz Army, a group similar to the Salvation Army, but without the tambourines. Also attending the meeting, is the chairperson from the Police Watchdog Group, Lady Margaret Log. She has brought with her, two other members of the watchdog group, a lollipop man called Nort Mozzer, and the committee's secretary Mr R. Admin. The three of them sit at the very back of the meeting room, and have not been noticed by the masses.
Tacklehard is in a determined mood, his fine tooth comb is drawn, and he is ready to crack the MorrisseysWorld case.)
ARRIVING AT THE MEETING, L TO R: WARDEN THINUN (HANDS UP IF YOU'RE PICTURING WARDEN HODGES FROM DADS ARMY), UNKNOWN OFFICER, DCI TACKLEHARD, WPC JULIE HAMFIST AND AGENT ROSY MIRES
D.C.I. TACKLEHARD: Thank you all very much for coming back in today, I know that for many of you, Saturday's are your day off, but this MorrisseysWorld case won't crack itself.
NORT MOZZER: (Thick Mancunian accent - Quietly to Lady Log and R Admin) And it's not likely to with this bunch of no marks involved. Look at them, useless. It's not as though we haven't given them enough clues, but look, we're even sat here in the same sodding room and they can't even see us. I don't know why I bother.
LADY LOG (Quietly to Nort Mozzer and R) They cannot see the wood for the trees, but when we cleared the forest, they gave up the search.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort and Lady L) In fairness Nort, SOME of them have cracked the case, they just haven't got the proof.
NORT MOZZER: (To R, but with a slightly raised and exasperated voice) Haven't got the proof? How much more proof do they bloody well need? I took a single red rose when I said I would, I took a white rose when I said I would, I took a blue rose when I said I would, I even wore that awful blue rose tie! (Nort Mozzer's slightly raised voice has been heard by D.C.I Tacklehard, although he didn't hear what was said).
AWFUL BLUE ROSE TIE
TACKLEHARD: (addressing the back of the room, which in turn makes everybody else turn around to see who is being talked to) Is everything alright Lady Log?
LADY LOG: All is as it should be. Stay close to the thing which is yellow and blue, it's all written there, and it's all true to you. (Tacklehard looks perplexed.)
NORT MOZZER: (Quielty to Lady L) I don't know why you're helping him, we've already given far more than I ever intended. God only knows who put this idiot in charge of the investigation, they ought to ban the cunt.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Lady L) I like what you did there Margaret, the three denials on True To You, which ALL served a purpose, plus the other things on there, such as the listing of Years of Refuse as the favourite album, the day after we tweeted it.
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R, but with a stern tone) Oi, Admin! Only I'm allowed to refer to Refusal as 'Refuse', you show it the respect it's due, it's a fucking masterpiece, well, Fuentes' 'Bodegon Con Jarra de Vino' is at any rate!
YEARS OF REFUSAL & 'BODEGON CON JARRA DE VINO - MASTERPIECES
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort) Sorry Nort, but I'm sure I saw you only the other evening in the MorrisseysWorld chat room saying that the last three tracks on Refusal were weak.
NORT MOZZER: (To R, but again with a slightly raised voice that has caught the attention of Tacklehard) WEAK? They're not fucking weak. I was just doing the old self deprecation thing, waiting for Lizzy and Heather to fawn all over me, telling me that 'Sorry Doesn't Help' is an all time classic.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort) And did they?
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) Did they fuck! Plenty of (adopts mocking tone) "We love you Moz" and "You don't look old Moz", but not a dicky bird about the three sodding songs.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort) What? Not even "You Were Good In Your Time"? Now THAT is an all time classic!
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) Yeah, but IS it? I bet no fucker listens to the last 1 minute 48. There I am, giving them my best interpretation of 'Death', and what do they all do? Skip to the next track, which as it's "Sorry Doesn't Help", probably means they skip again to "I'm OK by Myself." At this point they call it a day and put on their Radiohead cds." Wankers.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort) Surely your fans don't listen to cds or downloads, you issue them with vinyl.
NORT MOZZER: (Quielty to R in) They don't listen to the bloody records! Granted, one or two buy them, but they either get stuffed in a cupboard or hung on the wall! I don't know why I bother, seriously I don't.
TACKLEHARD: (Addressing the back of the room) Are you sure that everything is OK Lady Log? I keep hearing a mumbling.
NORT MOZZER: (Under his breath) I'll mumble you, you cunt. (R grins and Nort returns the grin with a smile).
LADY LOG: All is still as it should be. Look no further than the lie, and you shall find the truth. (Tacklehard looks perplexed again).
WPC HEATHER CAT: (Quietly to WPC Gobiva, WPC Ears and WPC Lizzy Cat) I get it, "look no further than the lie, and you shall find the truth." Do you see what that strange Lady at the back has just said? (The other three WPCs shake their heads) She's saying that the lies, ie the three denials on True to You, are the truth.
WPC EARS: (Quietly to Heather) What do you mean?
WPC EARS - CONFUSED
(WPC Heather Cat puts her hand up)
TACKLEHARD: (Pointing at Heather) Yes?
HEATHER CAT : I think I've got the answer.
WPC MIRES: (In a mocking tone) Oh yeah, here we go! I wondered how long it would take for one of you lot (nods in the direction of Heather and a group of others, including the giggling PCs from yesterday) to pipe up. It's Moonie Heaven time.
TACKLEHARD: What do you mean Agent Mires? What has WPC, er, (to Heather) Sorry, what is your name?
HEATHER CAT: Heather Cat.
WPC HEATHER CAT
TACKLEHARD: (Continuing to address WPC Rosy Mires) What has WPC Cat done that is so wrong?
MIRES: Well it's not just her sir, there's a whole bunch of 'em over there who are convinced that it's the real Morrissey behind MorrisseysWorld. They're all deluded sir.
WARDEN THINUN: (Thick Yorkshire accent) Here, here.
TACKLEHARD: (Turning around to address Thinun in a scolding tone) That'll do Peter! (Addressing the whole group) One of the main reasons that I am reviewing this MorrisseysWorld case, is because I have opened my mind to all possibilities, and I suggest that YOU (looks at Rosy Mires) Agent Mires, and YOU (looks at Warden Thinun) Uncle Skinny, do the same. (To Heather) Please, what is it that you wanted to say?
HEATHER: Well, there have been three statements made on the True To You site, all denying that Morrissey is behind MorrisseysWorld.
TACKLEHARD: THREE? I know Agent Mires mentioned one yesterday, but she made no mention of THREE! (To Mires) Did you know that there had been three denials Agent Mires?
MIRES: Yes sir, I hadn't gotten to the other ones yesterday.
TACKLEHARD: (To Mires) Would it not have perhaps made more sense to mention all THREE when you mentioned the first one?
MIRES: But I....
TACKLEHARD: No buts Mires, I get the impression that you don't want Morrissey to be behind this MorrisseysWorld case, so it suits you to pick and choose what evidence you want to see, and what you don't! Am I right?
MIRES: No sir, that's not the case at all, I've looked at ALL the evidence, and as far as I'm concerned, it's all circumstantial, and NONE of it would stand up in court.
PC RATTUS: (To Mires) What about the Conan eyes?
TACKLEHARD: The Conan eyes?
MIRES: (To Tacklehard) Oh, Rat always harps back to the Conan eyes, but it was just...(pauses to think)....it was just, well, I don't know why Morrissey did it, but it's the ONLY one. I can explain all the rest.
TACKLEHARD: What is this Conan eyes?
PC ALEX WEST: Conan eyes refers to the circle shapes that Morrissey made around his eyes on the Conan TV show last November, which replicated an image from the MorrisseysWorld blog. Here, I've got a picture. (PC West hands Tacklehard a picture of Conan Eyes.)
(Tacklehard takes the picture and studies it for a few minutes in silence)
TACKLEHARD: Agent Mires, you say you can explain EVERYTHING except these (waves paper) Conan Eyes, but sometimes in a case like this, one piece of evidence can PROVE EVERYTHING. It is usually the things that we do not see, that lead us to the truth. Perhaps Morrissey is saying the very same thing in this picture (waves picture). We must open our eyes, AND our minds. Do we accept that the Twin Towers were blown up by Muslim terrorists? Do we accept that Harvey Oswald shot JFK, or do we look at what ISN'T being said and shown?
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort Mozzer) 'Ere Nort, perhaps this guy's not as clueless as we thought?
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) Nah, he's a cunt, make no mistake.
LADY LOG: (Quietly to Nort in a lecturing tone) Language!
NORT MOZZER: (Quielty to Lady L) Sorry Mam, I mean Margaret.
TACKLEHARD: Now, WPC Cat?
WPC LIZZY CAT: Yes?
TACKLEHARD: (Looking confused) Sorry, I meant this officer (points at Heather).
WPC LIZZY: Oh don't worry, it happens all the time.
HEATHER: (Addressing Tacklehard) Yes?
TACKLEHARD: Would you like to go on with what you were saying earlier, about the denial on True To You?
HEATHER: THREE denials.
TACKLEHARD: (Looking at Rosy Mires, but addressing everybody) Oh yes, the THREE denials, we mustn't forget the ones that Agent Mires chose to ignore. Now we all know of the FIRST denial, that Agent Mires told us about yesterday; the inexplicable mention of MorrisseysWorld when NOBODY had heard of it (everybody turns around to look at PC Bunny Anon, but he isn't there), but what can you tell us WPC Cat of the other TWO denials?
D.C.I COUNTS THE NUMBER OF TRUE TO YOU DENIALS
HEATHER: Well, the first denial in May 2011 was purely and simply an advert for MorrisseysWorld, as we've already ascertained that NOBODY had ever heard of it, but the second denial on August 19th, was not only another advert, but it was an invitation.
TACKLEHARD: An invitation?
HEATHER: Yes. Morrissey was inviting everybody to open their eyes, and realise he was standing right in front of us.
WPC HAMFIST: I have NO idea what you're going on about! Morrissey very plainly says in denial number two, and I quote, "Morrissey has no connection with the site called MorrisseysWorld.blogspot. Whoever is on this site/page claiming to be Morrissey is certainly NOT Morrissey"
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) See what I did there? Called myself NOT Morrissey, a name I would later adopt on twitter, but they ALL missed it, even that Rat creature.
PC RATTUS: (Standing up and VERY excited) FUCK ME! That's it! It's another clue. WPC Hamfist has inadvertently found another clue!
WPC HAMFIST: Clue? What on earth are you going on about, it says, "NOT Morrissey".
WPC G. WITHOUT: (To Rattus, realising from Hamfist's words what Rat means) 'NOT Morrissey'! Brilliant! But I discovered that two weeks ago, didn't you see my tweet?
RATTUS: (To WPC Without) No, I must have missed it. Come here you genius (Rat grabs Without and embraces her)
WPC G.WITHOUT IS EMBRACED BY PC RATTUS
TACKLEHARD: I'm not sure I follow what this Rat fellow and this other woman have just revealed, but go on WPC Cat.
HEATHER: Well, the second denial was an invitation to open our eyes. It was issued in the same statement as the announcement of a U-S tour, a tour that had been predicted on MorrisseysWorld six days earlier.
TACKLEHARD: (To Rosy Mires) How do you explain that one Agent Mires?
MIRES: Purely coincidental sir.
TACKLEHARD: WPC Cat, what about the third denial?
HEATHER: Another advert, this time for the parody twitter account. The twitter account was opened on September 6th 2011, and the denial came eight days later to raise awareness.
ROSY MIRES: You don't KNOW that, you're guessing.
HEATHER: But yet again Morrissey is drawing attention to something that NOBODY had noticed. The twitter account was getting no followers.
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) It still isn't!
WPC HAMFIST: This is rubbish.
WARDEN THINUN: Here, here.
HAMFIST: Let me read the actual statement from True To You, on September 14th 2011, it says, "Morrissey would like to stress that he has absolutely no affiliation with the site called Morrisseysworld, and that the views expressed on Morrisseysworld blog and twitter page are not Morrissey's views, and do not come from Morrissey. Morrissey has no connction with this, please beware." How much more clearer could it be? It is Morrissey's 'official' site, saying it isn't Morrissey!
WPC EARS: (standing up excited) No it's not! The statement doesn't say that MorrisseysWorld ISN'T Morrissey, it says it's 'NOT Morrissey' again! Look (reads from TTY statement) "The views expressed on Morrisseysworld blog and twitter page are 'NOT Morrissey's' views, and do not come from Morrissey."
HAMFIST: Eh? I don't see what you're getting at.
WPC WITHOUT: That's because you've been too busy interviewing Morrissey's former cleaners, to open your eyes and see what is actually going on in Morrissey's World. Morrissey was telling us it wasn't Morrissey, it was his alter ego.
HAMFIST: His WHAT? What are you all going on about?
RATTUS: Well done Ears, you've cracked the third denial too. Morrissey was expressing that MorrisseysWorld wasn't the artiste Morrissey, but a different character all together. He went on to tell us this time and time again, even adopting the name 'NotMorrissey' on twitter. I think the case has finally been solved!
EARS: Well, in fairness it was WPC Without's doing really.
WITHOUT: Let's call it a team effort.
R ADMIN: (Quietly to Nort) They've done it!
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) Yes, but it's always the same ones, the others like Mires will find an excuse.
ROSY MIRES: (Addressing the whole room) Morrissey just wouldn't do this.
NORT MOZZER: (Quietly to R) There, what did I say?
TACKLEHARD: Thank you all very much for your hard work on this case, we got there in the end. I think we were all a little too quick to accept those denials at their face value. I think what Lady Log said earlier makes an awful lot of sense. (Tacklehard looks up to acknowledge Lady Log, but she isn't there.) Where's Lady Log gone?
PC HARPS: Was she ever there?
TACKLEHARD: But I saw her, she spoke to us.
HARPS: Do you KNOW that, or do you just THINK you know?
LADY LOG ENJOYS A MUG OF TEA IN THE POLICE CANTEEN
WARDEN THINUN: (Standing up and putting on his coat) Fuck this for a laugh, you're all fucking mad. Morrissey says it ISN'T him, and that's good enough for me. (Thinun leaves, and the others start to drift away, excitedly discussing the new evidence about 'Not Morrissey'.
(Two men are still sat at the back of the room)