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Saturday, 15 December 2012

Day 458 - Dear Slim,

NOTICE: The first two paragraphs today are about my mother, if you have NO interest in her, and quite frankly, why should you have, then please skip to the first paragraph under the first photo. Thank you.

My step father, whose mother died last week, 'popped' around to my bedsit yesterday afternoon, to let me know that my mother had been rushed to hospital the previous night, and was currently in ICU. He seemed very calm, but informed me that it had been touch and go regarding her surviving the night. I have to say, due to his calmness, I didn't feel overly worried, and asked him to keep me informed. Mrs Whiskers (my wife) asked me if I was OK. I paused to weigh up how I felt, and then instructed Mrs Whiskers to take my mum's Christmas present back to the shop. We both laughed.

This morning I received a phone call from a wheezing heavy breather. I was just about to hang up, when the caller croaked, "Good morning son, I'm home." HOME? One minute the old dear is climbing the rusted stairway on the way to meet her maker, whom incidentally she DOES still believe in, despite all the scientific evidence to prove otherwise, and the next minute she's back home dunking bourbon biscuits in her PG tips. What an attention seeking drama queen, she must have been watching the Morrissey in Swindon Youtube footage again! I've a good mind to REALLY take her Christmas present back, but in truth, I don't think they offer refunds on fire damaged goods.

old woman of Hoi An - Hoi An, Quang Nam

I shouldn't really have started today's blog with my mother's touch with death, but I thought I might look heartless if I just threw it in at the end, so she's got top billing, and probably lost me half of my readership. For those who decided to take the option to skip reading about her, and have started reading here, I can report that she is alive and at home, not that you care, you heartless bastards.

Now to the important stuff, I have a Morrissey concert in Auckland to report on, and EVEN more important than that, the return to twitter of Our Mozzer, AND Part 4 of the parody piece. This could end up being one of my long blog entries, so you may wish to put the kettle on and make a brew.


I'll start with twitter. Our Mozzer suddenly appeared yesterday at 9.30 pm UK time, 10.30 am Saturday NZ time. He presumably had reopened the twitter account to post the new parody piece. Here are the highlights from yesterday's twitter:

"Back... by unpopular demand for a short time only-"

(In reply to @edronmonds who tweeted, "I'm off to Festival Hall on Wednesday to see the greatest singer in the world") "I may join you-"

"BlueRoseSociety RT if you believe" (15 hours later, as I write this, there have been 16 retweets!)

"If there aren't 100 comments on my latest Blog article by tomorrow I'm afraid it's over-"

(In reply to @regi_w asking Our Mozzer if he reads any of the blog comments) "I read them all; it's depressing how few there are."

"Is it all coincidence?"

"In 2013, the Blog will be on the front page of newspapers." (I do hope that this isn't true, my wife might find out, by association, what I've been doing for the past 458 days....she thinks I'm writing something constructive!)

"Did anyone notice that I blamed my backing band for failing to break America in the early 1990s? Irony, irony!" (This is a reference to Morrissey's recent interview with Stuff.Co.NZ, which I reported on yesterday. In the interview, Morrissey said, "My first US tour was huge venues and incredible sellouts, but the band were quite poor and I lost a lot of my audience, who quite rightly said, 'The Smiths were better'." I didn't report this quote yesterday, because I didn't really understand it, bearing in mind Morrissey HASN'T lost his US audience. I, like most others reading it, obviously didn't get the irony. It is interesting that Our Mozzer refers to Morrissey as 'I'....Hmmm.)


And now to Part 4 of the MorrisseysWorld Blog story, 'MorrisseysWorld annual Blog Review, Blog Debriefing, 2012.' It is by far the funniest of the four parts, but then I would think that, because I have been given a (much deserved) major role. The piece sees Morrissey, Boz, Mikey Bracewell and me, the fawning rat, discussing the lack of press coverage for MorrisseysWorld. Boz is once again mercilessly taunted by Mozzer, as am I. My 'brilliant' blog is described as "lowbrow cesspit" and I am criticised for writing "dreary articles". *Thinks about deleting the first bit of todays blog about mother, but decides it's probably the least dreary bit and leaves it in.*

Morrissey also says of me and my blog, "....and it's over-earnest writing style, which one can only conclude is a mirror to the vapid, frozen, invisible soul of its frankly cretinous author." Mesmerising stuff, simply mesmerising.....and there's more! Morrissey goes on to say that he "pictured the author of that tedious Blog thing to be...iller...possibly horizontal...connected to a drip around the renal failure, but enjoying the attention all the same." CHRIST, it's as though he knows me! I know many Moz fans say this, but I feel we have a real connection. I am his Stan, he is my Slim. If he doesn't take my Blue Rose at Long Island, Mrs Whiskers will be driven straight off the end of Ryde Pier and into The Solent.


The hilarious parody story (and it genuinely IS one of his funniest yet) goes on to describe Mikey Bracewell as "a failed writer", although he is elevated to 'Tolstoy' status when compared to myself, Walter Ego and Boz.

Morrissey goes on to state that he needs to grow the audience for his blog and twitter and complains that, "The human spirit of questioning is dead." Many of the major signs of MW are then listed and when the 'White Rose of Bogota' is mentioned, Morrissey comes out with my favourite line of the whole piece, when he says, "Not good enough for the British music press, of course. Unless I'm saying something bloody ridiculous, those hacks won't publish Old Mozzer. No space left by the fire for an old Cold War Warrior from the days of the Iron Curtain, a battle hardened trooper with the capacity for perfect pop melody."


I am VERY generously given some of the best dialogue as the parody piece heads to it's finale, including the sarcastic and mocking, "It's all coincidence! Three roses promised - red, white and blue - and three picked from the audience! Red, white and blue rose - and nothing else! Pure coincidence!"

Morrissey then adds, "Forget the tie! Forget Cosh! Forget your sanity!" before Log Lady makes the following prediction:

"Morrissey WILL show us all just how much he loves the BlueRoseSociety. Morrissey WILL wear the t-shirt of a manufactured pop act and he WILL refer to the BlueRoseSociety once again. When he does, MorrisseysWorld will replace So-Low and the world will flock to the world's first self-aware Parody Blog like gluten eyeball mist."


The parody article finishes with Morrissey mentioning President Kyle, saying that he thought he was Justin Bieber, and also explaining who Walter Ego is.

*NB I felt duty bound at this point in the day to go and visit my ailing mother. She looked and sounded dreadful, and if I'm honest, I REALLY am going to dig out the receipt for that fire damaged hand bag, her chances of seeing Christmas are 50/50 at best. She wheezingly informed me that she is only the second person EVER to be sent straight home from ICU, and was only sent home because the doctor thought it was safer than staying in hospital, where she would be likely to pick up an illness! It is now 7.30 pm, I shall continue to write, although Our Mozzer has reappeared on twitter, so I am once again being distracted. I won't bother with an Auckland concert report, after all, whose interested in REAL Moz, when we have parody Moz? It was the same set anyway!*

'Our Mozzer' (aka 'NotMorrissey') has had a busy day on twitter, returning at 12.30 this afternoon, 1.30 am NZ time. I presume he is back in his hotel room, having just finished his Auckland concert, but who knows! I was lucky enough to be online when he appeared earlier today, here are the highlights:

"New Zealand, thank you- And. Will. Trouble. Love. Us?" I replied, "Oh I do hope so!"

"@TheRatsBack I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of online fame in my latest slice of parody genius?" I replied, "I feel like a star." He then asked if I was offended by the "frankly cretinous author" reference, which of course I wasn't, I mean, how could I be? I feel like the prisoner in the Life of Brian film, who said, "I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face."


Our Mozzer Twitter Highlights Continued:

"Trouble Vs Paint a Vulgar Picture-" (Is this to be a 'mash up' or is it Moz tossing it over in his mind? PLEASE let it be Trouble, PLEASE......or it's off the pier for Mrs Whiskers. I'm not joking you know, I'm unhinged, Uncle Sweaty said so in one of his mesmerising tweets the other day. He also said (for the second time now) that he has contacted his solicitor about me. It would appear that my parody piece about Uncle Sweaty being a Trading Standards Officer was a step too far.

 I'd love to have been a fly on the wall as Sweaty told his solicitor that he was being mocked online by a rat calling him a TSO. Uncle Sweaty's solicitor threats are further proof that he's happy to dish out as much abuse as he likes about Moz, but when it comes to taking it, he can't! Where's his freedom of speech now?

Our Mozzer Twitter Highlights Continued Again- I should mention that longtime MorrisseysWorlders 'Loughton Lil' 'Lizzy Cat' 'Kyle's Dad', 'JJazmine', 'Marcus the Greek', 'Heather Cat' and 'Southkirk Kirky' all earned retweets from Our Mozzer, but as I'm running out of time, I won't bother re-typing them here, but they can post them in the comments box if they like....or write their own blogs!


"The true joy of the blog is that nobody has discovered it."

"Many well-known individuals secretly read my blog. A few will admit it over the coming months. Possibly!"

"BlueRoseSociety is about to go global. Don't believe me? Even now? When have I ever been wrong?"

"New York, we shall see-"


(In response to a tweet from snooker player Judd Trump about whether to stay in or go out) "Leave a gofer on your Twitter and do both- mikeybracewell." Hmmm

That'll do for today, was it REALLY Mikey Bracewell tweeting as 'Our Mozzer'? We will of course never know! I shall leave you with a tweet from Banjaxer from 8pm this evening:

"@MorrisseysWorld Popular Mancunian warbler Ian Brown just said you're "a bit of a knob."

This was quickly followed up by another tweet saying:

"@MorrisseysWorld To clarify, he meant @MorrisseysWorld, not Morrissey, obviously."

So, DOES Ian Brown know of Our Mozzer, and think he's a knob, or was he referring to Morrissey, and Banjaxer made a Freudian slip? As Cilla used to say, "The decision, is yours!"


  1. For now, I just want to say that I dearly hope your mother feels well. Tomorrow a proper comment will follow.

    - Regi

  2. Poor Mrs Whiskers! Now the pressure's really on for Moz to accept your rose and sing Trouble. What does she think you write about all day, anyway? It has been a wonderful surprise to have Our Mozzer tweeting and in the chat room for a while this evening. I hope your mum's condition improves, Rats - our thoughts are with you, her and the family.

  3. Oh can you just imagine if Moz sings Trouble?..... I am misty eyed even thinking about it.
    If Uncle sweaty has been to see his solicitor about you, I find it nearly as amusing as the latest parody on MW.

    I hope your mum gets well soon rats. I know how worrying & unsettling it feels when a loved one is ill.

  4. Dear Rat, I really hope your Mum's health improves. And also when I asked Our Mozzer how he was he said he was "a ludicrous human catastrophe". He didn't seem to care for my suggestion that we were sad that he keeps leaving us. I think he's gone off me a bit. :( xx

  5. Tearfully funny Rat, as always you fight adversity with humour but you do it very well. Nice to see Our Mozzer back even though he never answered my question as to whether he likes Paul Heaton or not. I suspect he probably does.

    I do hope Mrs. Whiskers the Elder is better for Christmas, I'm sure you will either cheer her up or drive her to drink.

  6. well for me as i wasn't an internet junkie (apart from bluemoon) the day i found the MW blog obviously replaced solo..not hard because before MW i had been looking at solo no more than on three occasions (well that i recall anyway)..i hope your poor mam is ok rat, but dont get me wrong, i could still wring your neck (just for the fun of it)..aaw joking ratty honest..wonder if our mozzer will ever tap one of us on the shoulder one day at a concert, no words would have to be spoken, a simple tap would tell me all i need to know

  7. hello rat, best whishes to your mum, very happy to read your blog and to see Our Mozzer on twitter once again! See you tomorrow for the chart! ToMoz!

  8. Not that it really matters, but the Kyle/Bieber part was added afterwards. I know it wasn't there when I wrote my first comment.

    I had to laugh at a very sweet coincidence; just when this @MorrisseyNews tweeted 'The youngest was the most loved' I noticed that part 4 had been extended to include Kyle... I thought I was sweet somehow. A coincidence for sure, but still sweet.

    - Regi


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