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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Day 504 - Bleeding on the Inside Part 1

The setting is on board the Morrissey tour bus. It is mid afternoon on Thursday January 24th 2013. The tour bus is parked outside the James H Whiting Auditorium in Flint, Michigan, USA, which is the venue for the evening's Morrissey concert. Morrissey is laying on the bed of his private quarters at the back of the tour bus, he is wearing silk pyjamas, a silk dressing gown and a pair of hand made designer slippers with the initial 'M' and the Morrissey coat of arms embroidered on each slipper. The elequent look is some what spoiled by the second world war gas mask which is strapped tightly to Morrissey's face. He is reading Hitch 22 by Christopher Hitchens, and also has an ipad laying on the bed with twitter open. The sound of coughing, sneezing and wheezing can be heard emanating from all sections of the bus and each time there is a cough or a sneeze, Morrissey tuts to himself.

As Morrissey reads, clumpy footsteps can be heard coming in his direction, which causes him to look up in surprise as NOBODY is allowed to enter Morrissey's private area on the tour bus unless they have been previously invited, which isn't very often. The clumping stops and the flu infected voice of Morrissey's musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer can be heard on the other side of  Morrissey's privacy curtain.

BOZ: Moz? Moz, are you (coughs)... there?

MOZ: (Removes his gas mask and adopts a Kenneth Williams voice) No! Go away, you germ infested lump of lard. (Puts gas mask back on)

BOZ: Moz, it's me (coughs), Boz!

MOZ:  (removing mask) I know full well who it is, now fuck off before I have you ejected from the bus you selfish cunt. You have no right to be up the rear end (smirks quietly to himself at his witty 'Carry On' style joke) ..... spreading your filth. (Puts mask back on)

BOZ: Moz, I'm really suffering here Moz, and so are some of the (bursts into a stream of sneezes followed by a coughing fit. Morrissey screws his face up behind his curtain) others. I don't think I'll even stay awake until ten thirty tonight Moz, let alone play the guitar very well.

MOZ: (Removing mask) Nothing new there then! (smirks to himself and then pulls open the curtain). Christ, you look dreadful! Nothing new there either I suppose. (smirks again). Boz, I told you before we started this tour, there can be NO MORE cancellations, I'm trying to show the record labels that I'm still a relevant force, but what with your visa problems and your drummers having sore eyes and your guitarists having bad backs etcetera etcetera, I've had to cancel FAR too many shows already. Do you WANT to turn me into a laughing stock?

BOZ: But it was YOU who....

MOZ: (Interrupting) ENOUGH of your excuses Boz, I don't want to hear it. Now listen old son,  you've managed to keep going with your slight wrist injury, so I'm sure a little cold won't stop you. What about me with my dreadful stomach cramps, but do I go on about it?

BOZ: Well actually....

MOZ: (Interrupting) I mean, really Boz, I'm having to act as your nurse maid these days, I've provided you with a top of the range arm rest AND an executive face mask, what MORE do you want?

BOZ: I know Moz, and you've been more than generous, but it's not just me, I'd battle on, you know I would, it's the others, they're really suffering with this flu bug.

MOZ: Bloody foreigners, I knew we should have bought British, I should never have listened to you when you suggested we have Yanks and South Americans in the band, they just don't have the same bulldog spirit that we Brits have Boz. (Boz goes to say something but stops himself and coughs instead. Morrissey puts his gas mask back on and continues to talk in a muffled voice) Why DID we hire all those foreigners?

BOZ: Because they were half the price! And also, you said we'd look more cultured with some swarthy types.

MOZ: I don't think I probably used that exact terminology Boz, but you certainly DO get better value for money with old Johnny foreigner, and what is more (removes gas mask) you don't get the farting and burping that you get with the English lot. No, on reflection, the foreigners are a better bet, but they really don't understand the importance of 'the show must go on.' I'll tell you what Boz, if it's an early night you're after, I'll allow you to nip into the old James Whitebait theatre, and tell them that we're bringing the show forward by an hour, now off you go. (Boz goes to say something but Moz interrupts) There is no need to thank me Boz, now just get on and do it before I change my mind.

(Boz heads back to the front of the bus and goes to the other band members.)

BOZ: I'm afraid boys, the show MUST go on. (To Solomon) Sol, Moz has asked for you to go and tell the theatre manager that we will be going on at eight instead of nine. (Solomon nods and goes off)

JESSE: (In thick Spanish accent. To Boz.) Boss, I don't think I can play at all tonight, I am very sick. (coughs).

BOZ: I'm sorry Jesse, he's having none of it, we are playing tonight so just do your best, and try not to fuck up during Meat is Murder again, you've won a lot of people over lately, we don't want to give the Solow lot a reason to have another pop.

JESSE: Who eez the Soho lot?

BOZ: There's something to be said for blissful ignorance my friend, how I'd love to live in your world.

JESSE: You and your good wife are more than welcome to come and live in my house. (Boz smiles before turning away and raising his eyebrows).


Morrissey is still in his quarters reading when he hears clumping footsteps approaching. Before the footsteps get too close, Morrissey calls out.

MOZ: Who goes there?

BOZ: It's me Moz.

MOZ: What is it now Martin?

BOZ: I've brought the concert forward Moz, and I've had a long chat with the boys about how we must all battle on and that there can be no cancellations. I have to say Moz, I'm really impressed with their attitude, they are determined to play on whatever.

MOZ: Tonight's concert is off Boz, there's been some bad news. I'm cancelling the next two dates too. (Opens the curtain and hands Boz a piece of paper) Here, log on to True To You and type in this statement.

BOZ: (Reading the piece of paper) "Postponed due to band illness?"

MOZ: Yes Boz, the band 'are' ill aren't they?

BOZ: Well yes, but......

MOZ: (INTERRUPTING) and being the caring employer that I am, I have decided to give you all the next four nights off, unpaid of course. Now, Boz, can you please go and issue the statement, let all the band and crew know what's going on, and then tell the driver to head to the William Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, I've decided to get me cramps sorted.

The setting is the reception desk of the William Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, Michigan, USA. It is Friday January 25th 2013

RECEPTIONIST - LANA: Hello Sir, can I help?

MOZ: Can anybody?

LANA: I'm sorry sir?

MOZ: And so am I.

LANA: I'm afraid I can't don't understand sir, and would you mind removing your gas mask, I can't hear you very well. (Morrissey removes his gas mask).

MOZ: I believe you are expecting me, my secretary Miss Tension should have phoned ahead to book me in.

LANA: No problem. What is your name please sir?

MOZ: Ronald Wycherley.

LANA: (Types name into computer) We have nobody expected under that name sir.

MOZ: Kenneth Williams?

LANA: (Types into computer) No, I'm afraid not.

MOZ: Surely the buffoon hasn't booked me in as Morrissey?

LANA: (Types into computer) Yes sir, we 'are' expecting a Mr Morrissey, have you any other names?

MOZ: Not that I use, no.

LANA: We do need to know your full name please sir.

MOZ: OK, it's Steven, with a 'V' not a 'ph', Patrick.

LANA: Thank you. And your date of birth?

MOZ: I'm in my very late forties.

LANA: And when is your birthday?

MOZ: May the twenty second, but please don't send a card.

LANA: (Laughs falsely) So, May twenty second, nineteen sixty three?

MOZ: That sounds close enough.

LANA: And your address Mister Morrissey?

MOZ: Well, there's a thing. I don't stay in any one place for very long.

LANA: (starting to lose a little patience) Where are you currently staying?

MOZ: In your car park.

LANA: Sir, I really do need an address. Our system is showing 384 Kings Road in Manchester, England, do you still live there?

MORRISSEY: I never did 'live' there, I merely existed. Now, could somebody please show me to my room?

LANA: I don't believe Miss Tension booked a private room for you sir, she just said that you (checks notes on computer), yes here it is, Miss Tension said that you have a bladder infection and that you just need some tablets.

MOZ: So, he thinks he's a doctor does he?

LANA: Miss Tension's a man? Actually, it did sound like a man now that you mention it.

MOZ: She has a cold!

LANA: (Looking ever more bewildered) If you'd like to take a seat Mister Morrissey, I'll get a doctor to come and see you as soon as I can.

MOZ: I can't sit around in a waiting room, I might pick up some germs, I have a show on Monday.

LANA: Oh my God, I've just realised who you are, you were the lead singer of The Smiths. I just love The Smiths, I've got every cassette you ever made. I would just love it if you guys got back together, Johnny Marr is God.

MOZ: I have Boz Boorer these days, perhaps not a God, but all the same, he can hold a tune.

LANA: I can't believe it's you, wait until I tell my friend Mike, he'll go ape when he finds out I met you, he's an even bigger fan than me. Let me take you up to one of the suites and I'll get Doctor Rodriguez to see you right away. (Lana leads Morrissey off.)

(Twenty minutes later in a private suite at the Hospital. Morrissey is sat waiting to be seen. A good looking male doctor enters the room. He is in his early thirties and is of Latino appearance.)

DOCTOR R: Good afternoon Mister Morrissey, may I start by saying what an honour it is to be treating you, I am a huge fan....

MOZ: (Interrupting) Of The Smiths?

DOCTOR R: No, of yours. Years of Refusal is undoubtedly the greatest piece of vinyl ever produced.

MOZ: Pinch me mother.

DOCTOR R: Sorry?

MOZ: You have NOTHING to be sorry for.

DOCTOR R: Now, I believe you think you may have a bladder infection so I need to start by taking a sample of your urine.

MOZ: It wasn't me who mentioned my bladder, it was my useless secretary, I think it's an ulcer. Kenneth had ulcers you know?

DOCTOR R: Kenneth Williams do you mean? A comic genius, and SO misunderstood.

MOZ: Am I in heaven?

DOCTOR R: No, Michigan, heaven's the next state, although I've heard it's not all it's cracked up to be. Now, can you please go into the bathroom and fill this test tube?

MOZ: (Looking at how thin the tube is) Are you taking the piss?

DOCTOR R: That's the general idea, yes! (Morrissey goes off and returns with the sample which he hands to the Doctor)

MOZ: I'll need that back when you've finished with it.

DOCTOR R: Sorry?

MOZ: I had a problem with a barber once who wanted to sell my hair clippings on ebay. I was told it would have sold for about five hundred dollars, so a pot of my liquid gold would make a killing. What is more, I certainly don't want anybody having access to my DNA, they might clone me, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, not even Joyce. Actually, scrub that, Joyce would NEVER deserve to be me. So Doctor, am I ill?

DOCTOR R: I will need to send your sample off for tests, we'll know by tomorrow.

To Be Continued


  1. Oh rat just what does go on up top

  2. B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T! :)

  3. Hope this will make Our Mozzer laugh - best medicine!

  4. "I never lived there, I existed" great stuff Rats, thanks for this as always

  5. What a treat, thanks Ratty! It's nice to see that, despite added responsibilities and distractions, your comedic writing is as sharp as ever. Lol at 'I never did live there, I merely existed,' among other things :) Looking forward to Part 2!

  6. Oh Rat :-)
    This is quiet funny

    I cannot wait for part 2

    cheers sir

  7. You're a genius Rat. I'm truly sorry for having called you 'an angel' before. I hope you took no offense.

    - Regi

  8. LOVE IT! Cheers Rat, you are on top form. Bring on part 2......


  9. Rats this is brilliant !! I really was ' LOL ! '

    One of my favourite lines " May 22nd, but please don't send a card ! "

    I am waiting eagerly for part two, when you have free time of course.

    Many thanks.

  10. Thank you, I had not been expecting another posting so soon and this one was hilarious and very timely, as not 5 minutes after reading it, my 13 yr old grandsons told me they were going on the computer to find some Morrissey memorabilia as my birthday is in February. They had thought possibly underwear. I explained to them how there had been a recent post on twitter as to whether Moz wore underwear as you can not see any sign of them when he performs, but if they watched the internet there might soon be a tube of liquid gold listed on ebay. I have a feeling I might just be receiving a very, special gift this year for my b-day. Hope all is well with you, looking forward to Part Duo.

  11. Had me in stitches! Good ol' Rat thanks for this one!

  12. I'm reading this in a library (not mine) as me computer's broken, so I could only smirk instead of lol, but loved every line. Thankyou.

  13. Rat, this post is truly funny! Just hoping you could find the time for writing/posting the second part. Thank you and take care! Ciao! P.S. Kenneth Williams was such an amazing person, thank you for let me discover him!


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