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Thursday, 31 January 2013

Day 505 - Bleeding on the Inside Part 2

SCENE 4
The setting is a private suite in the William Beaumont Hospital, Royal Oak, Michigan USA. It is late afternoon on Friday January 25th 2013. Morrissey has just given a sample of his urine to Dr Rodriguez, who has taken it away to be tested. Morrissey takes out his Apple iphone and makes a call to his trusted friend/secretary/musical director/dogsbody Martin 'Boz' Boorer who is laying on his bed in the tour bus, which is parked in the car park of the hospital. Boorer's phone rings with the ringtone 'Rockabilly Guy' and Morrissey's name flashes up on the screen. Before answering, Boz starts to sing along to the ringtone.


THE MORRISSEY BAND TOUR BUS - PARKED IN THE HOSPITAL CAR PARK


BOZ: (Singing) Well, going down the road, looking mighty cool, I may act funny but I ain't no fool. (Stops singing and answers the call) Hello Moz, it's not like you to make an actual phone call, I feel quite touched. Where are you?

MOZ: Alone, Boz, always alone. Where do you think I am you clot, I'm in the hospital. What took you so long to answer the phone? Singing along to your 'Rockabilly Guy' ring tone again were you? If you must insist on having one of those ridiculously childish ringtones, you could at least have one of 'my' masterpieces sounding out. Why don't you make 'Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed' your ringtone, then you could actually have one of your own compositions to sing along to when your phone rings? (Smirks to himself, knowing what's going to come back).

BOZ: I didn't write 'that' one, it was Alain. I suppose I could use 'Black Cloud', that was one of mine.

MOZ: I think you'll find Boz, old son, that you nicked that tune from Alain's 'A Swallow on Me Knackers', I can't remember the last time you wrote an original tune Boz, I 'really' can't. It's just as well that I haven't managed to get us a record deal yet, we STILL don't have a single decent tune to offer them. Perhaps I should consider an a cappella album?

BOZ: You're obviously feeling better then Moz?

MOZ: I lost all sense of feeling the day I was born Boz, but as you ask, the Doctor has taken a sample of my urine, on loan might I add, and based on your diagnosis that I have a bladder infection, it is being tested for such.

BOZ: Are you coming back to the bus then, I thought we might all go out for a pizza.

MOZ: Boz, have you not forgotten that I have had to cancel 'three' concerts because of you and your so called musicians all being ill? The last thing I need is for you lot to be seen wandering the streets of whatever God forsaken town we currently happen to be in. NONE of you are to leave the bus, do you understand? If you really MUST eat, get your pizzas delivered.

BOZ: But....

MOZ: (Interrupting) Enough Boz! I have decided to stay the night in this rather spacious, private hospital suite until tomorrow, when I shall find out 'just' how ill I really am, although I 'know' it's an ulcer and not a mere bladder infection as diagnosed by you. That wikipedia research you did a few weeks ago was nowhere near as thorough as mine Boz. Sometimes I get the impression you just don't care about me anymore. I sometimes wonder if you 'ever' cared!

BOZ: (Sounding hurt) Of course I care Moz, you'll never know just how much!

MOZ: Well I get the distinct feeling that you're thinking of leaving the band again Boz. May I remind you of your last wobble, when you nearly left to join Adam sodding Ant. Just think Martin, if I hadn't pointed out the error of your ways, you would now be playing venues like Great Yarmouth pier.

BOZ: Didn't we play there Moz?

MOZ: That was irony Boz, your mate Adam plays these two bit venues for real.

BOZ: I DO still care Moz, honest I do, and you know I'd NEVER leave you, you're the best there is, the VERY best. Can I bring anything over for you, and shall I issue a statement on True To You about your bladder infection?

MOZ: It's not a sodding bladder infection you goat, it's an ulcer I tell yer, and anyway, the last thing I want is anybody knowing I'm ill. Make NO announcements Boz, let's keep them all guessing as to where I am. They might think I've died, not that anybody would care, certainly not that Solow lot, they'd dance with joy on my grave, and then write on my headstone how much they loved me, the sanctimonious, hypocritical bastards. Right, can you bring over a clean pair of silk pj's, my slippers, my ipad, the Hitchens book, oh and Boz, can you nip out and find some of those crisps I like, you know the ones, the ones that look like Wotsits but are cheesier. Oh, and some chocolate, get some chocolate Boz, and a few other little nibbles too, you know the sort of thing. You'd better dress up as Gaynor, I don't want you being recognised, or send out what's his name, the new drummer, nobody will EVER recognise him, I don't even think I would. Funnily enough, when I turned around the other day during Meat is Murder to watch the video, I saw him sitting there behind the drums and I thought to myself, 'Who the bloody hell are you?' Anyway, I can't speak for any longer Boz, the radiation these mobile phones give off will be poisoning my brain cells, I'll expect you in about thirty minutes. (Morrissey presses a button and ends the call.)

SCENE 5
The setting is the ultra scan room of the WB hospital in Royal Oak. It is early afternoon on Saturday January 26th 2013. Morrissey is in the room with two radiographers, Juan Martinez and Dick DeVos. Morrissey is sat upright on the couch.

JUAN M: Could you please remove your shirt Mr Morrissey? (Morrissey stands up)

MOZ: (Singing) But then, you open your eyes, and you see someone that you physically despise (rips shirt open and tosses it into the air. Juan Martinez and Dick DeVos both reach up to catch the shirt and manage to grab an arm each. A tug of war struggle ensues with neither man giving an inch. They start to push and shove each other and end up rolling around on the floor fighting while Morrissey watches, looking almost content. Doctor Rodriguez walks in.)

DOCTOR R: (Shouting) What the hell is going on here? William Beaumont will be turning in his grave. (The two men ignore Dr Rodriquez and carry on fighting. Dr Rodriguez grabs a pair of scissors and cuts the shirt down the middle. The two fighting men look content with the outcome and respectfully shake hands, just like two fighters at the end of a bout.) I am SO sorry Mister Morrissey.

MOZ: (Shrugging his shoulders and raising his eyebrows, as if to say he just doesn't understand WHY the men would fight over his shirt.) These things happen.

DOCTOR R: (To the radiographers) Now then, if you two have quite finished bringing embarrassment upon the William Beaumont, shall we get on with the job in hand? (To Morrissey) If you would just like to lay down on your side, I will just apply some gel to your stomach and we can start the scan. (Just then Morrissey's phone rings. He looks at the phone and sees that it is his PR agency Susan Blond. He answers.)

MOZ: Hello Susan, I'm afraid I can't talk at the moment, I'm having tests done on a suspected bladder infection. I'll contact you later. (Morrissey ends the call.)

LAUREN PAPAPIETRO: Hello, Mister Morrissey? Mister Morrissey? Can you hear me? It's not Susan, she's got the weekend off. I've got the press on my back wanting a statement. Hello? Hello? (To self) A bladder infection eh? Right, I'll let the press know.

MOZ: (To Doctor Rodriguez who is running a hand held scanner over Morrissey's stomach) Sorry about that, it was my PR. So Doc, how's the old bladder holding up?

DOCTOR R: Your bladder seems fine, in fact the urine sample showed nothing wrong at all, but it's your stomach I'm more concerned with, you have an ulcer.

MOZ: I knew it, I told that lummox it was an ulcer.

DOCTOR R: It's not just any old ulcer I'm afraid, it's a bleeding one, this is more serious than we thought. I wonder what has caused it?

MOZ: Physical blows result in external bruises and bleeding Doctor, but the blows I have had to suffer at the hands of the British press and my own so called fans have obviously ripped my insides to shreds. My heart has been bleeding for years and it comes as no surprise to me that the rest of my organs are now crying too, they are tormented and tortured. How long have I got left to live Doctor? Don't hold back, give it to me straight.

DOCTOR R: I'll put you on a course of antibiotics and advise that you take things easy for a couple of weeks, but apart from that, you're as good as gold.

MOZ: Really? Right then, I'll be on my way. Could you just get my pot of urine for me please, I wouldn't want your two helpers here fighting over that too, they could end up like I did in Liverpool during Black Cloud. I convinced myself for years it was beer in that pot that hit me, but, well....

SCENE 6
Morrissey is laying on his bed in the tour bus as it is driving along. It is the afternoon of Sunday January 27th 2013. Boz Boorer is laying next to him. Morrissey is reading various websites on the internet.

MOZ: Boz, what did I say about NOT putting any statements on True To You? Who put the one about the band being ill? (Boz goes red)

BOZ: Er, it must have been Julia, Moz, although I thought, I mean, I expect Julia thought it would be OK to give an explanation for the three cancelled gigs, and I didn't mention, I mean, SHE didn't mention your bladder like that dippy PR girl.

MOZ: That PR girl has explained herself Boz, and it was a genuine mistake, but I've told you before, I don't want ANY negative comments on True To You, we've got So-Low for that, I only want positive comments on our unofficial, official website, if any of the record companies read it, we want them to see how successful we are, we need to keep pointing out that we sell out venues, and that our songs get nominated for prizes. We're putting ourselves on the shelf Boz, and if we want them to buy, we need to dress ourselves up a bit, do you understand?

BOZ: Is that why you killed off Gaynor Tension?

MOZ: Yes Boz, the tom foolery's over, we're a serious rock band with a punky edge. A new record deal can't be too far away now, old son, but we ALL have to up our game.

BOZ: Is that why you got rid of your MorrisseysWorld thing too?

MOZ: You know FULL well that wasn't me, it was either an obsessed fan or one of the crew playing silly buggers. Now, log yourself on to the True To You website and get that article off about you being ill.

BOZ: Shall I put anything about your bleeding ulcer? It don't half sound nasty Moz.

MOZ: Have you listened to a word I've said? NO, don't mention ANYTHING about ANY illnesses, and don't mention anything about any concerts being cancelled, we can't let the record labels think we're unreliable. Having said that, it's only fair that the fans understand just how brave I am being about this VERY serious illness of mine, so get back onto Susan Blond's office and get them to issue another statement regarding my condition. (Hands Boz a piece of paper) Here, I've written the statement, so email it over to Lauren, I think Susan's off still. I've decided to cancel another six concerts, the Doctor said I should cancel the whole tour and have twenty four hour supervision, but I don't want to make a fuss, so we'll just cancel those six shitty shows that we didn't really want to do anyway, and we'll kick off again in Vegas on February the 9th, where according to twitter, there should be a good turn out of the Blue Rose Society.

BOZ: I thought you said you've never used twitter?

MOZ: I merely peek Boz, merely peek. Right, off you go, and when you've cancelled the concerts, sent the email, and removed your silly statement from True To You, can you tell the driver to head for the Four Seasons in St Louis, I'm going to treat myself to a week of pampering before we hit Vegas. You may as well fly home for a few days Boz, leave me and my ulcer to bleed in peace.

20 comments:

  1. Haha! Excellent stuff, Ratty! "I merely peek" - don't we all?!

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  2. Genius! Genius! Genius! Did you ever considered writing comedy for a living? You could be famous!

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  3. I laughed VERY out loud at least twice - the drummer/Meat is Murder bit and the two quacks fighting over the shirt.

    Terrific stuff indeed.

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  4. An absolute joy to read, thanks for making me LOL!

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  5. Amazing Rat!!!!!!!!!

    In Vegas we shall be with roses in hand!!!!!!

    Can't wait for the next one!!!


    Viva Rat
    Viva Moz
    Viva Boz
    Viva Blue Rose Society

    Speedy recover too.our Mozzer


    I enjoyed the shirt fight part the best!!!

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  6. Thanks Rats, such a hilarious way to connect the dots in this scenario. All laughing aside (and I laughed a lot), whatever the cause of the bleeding ulcer, I hope that our dear Moz is able to recuperate without worry and return with renewed strength and vigor.

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  7. Rats this piece is even funnier than part one and conjures up all sorts of
    pictures in my mind.
    Totally inspired and hilariously funny.

    I also love the two medics fighting over the shirt and Moz and Boz lying
    next to each other on the tour bus.

    How much truth was in your parody ??!!

    I trust that Our Moz is resting and recovering and looking after himself.

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  8. They mock us yet they still read your blog. What does that tell us?

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  9. A comic gem. I loved the part about the shirt, it really made me laugh.

    Naturally, I too hope Moz is on the road to recovery & taking it easy.

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  10. HA! Loved the bit about his poor tortured bleeding organs! Makes alot of sense really. Thanks again Rat in the absence of our Mozzer I'm glad your keeping us alive and laughing.

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  11. So far to my knowledge The Blue Rosers going to the Las Vegas show are Andrea Ol'willoughby, Vulgarlela, and Myself also I think clover dean is going but not too sure.

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    Replies
    1. :-)
      Front and center with roses in hand

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  12. Message from Our Mozzer: http://true-to-you.net/morrissey_news_130131_01

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  13. Im so happy he is back...thank God!

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  14. Yes I shall be there too! This is soo exciting!! I hope to see some of you there, I swear Im abit emotinal right now lol becuz of Moreeesay's letter & that day is coming soon, 8 more days...

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  15. & then Ratty is back too!! See after the storm, calm oceans return...Im so glasd everything is coming back to the way it should be... #BlueRoseSocietyForever

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  16. Loved the post today, esp the fight over the shirt. Glad you are keeping the #BlueRoseSociety alive.

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  17. Thank you for the second part Rat! Funny, clever and witty! Quite like the statement on TTY by the Real Mozzer, Cheers both!

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  18. Poor poor moz.. glad hes feeling better

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  19. i am really inspired by seeing ur blogs......its very interesting

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    than 1-hour drive from Ljubljana and 1.5 hour from Koper it’s easily accessible and perfect for a half day trip.

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    ReplyDelete

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