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Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Day 574 - Statements, Statements, Everywhere.

Broken last night returned to twitter to make a series of argumentative statements, and Our Mozzer has placed a new statement/question on the MorrisseysWorld blog. Meanwhile, TRM has made a statement regarding Thatcher on True-To-You. On top of all this, debate has continued to rage as to whether or not Monday's statement in The Mirror and The Beast was from Morrissey or not. Statements, statements everywhere, and if you can be bothered to read the whole of this blog entry, you will be rewarded with a hilarious new parody piece, which starts about half-way down.

I can't report exactly on what Broken tweeted yesterday, as he has once again taken down his account. He made a few statements to try and create an argument, such as, he enjoyed eating meat, and PETA were killers! Most MorrisseysWorlders have learnt not to let Broken rile them, but Chuck decided to enter into a debate with him.

I have to say, Broken plays the devils advocate role superbly well, and although it is obvious that he doesn't really believe the things he says, he is able to put forward a very good argument for both sides, which shows how well balanced he is.... I think! I don't know if anybody reacted to Broken's pro Thatcher statement, but I would guess not. Broken also stated that Our Mozzer would be watching 'Papadopoulos & Sons' soon, but then added that he may not like it!


The new MorrisseysWorld article has the heading: 'South American, US, UK concerts on the cards?' This is followed by a single sentence which reads, "Our Mozzer would like it known that he may return to the live stage soon." Presumably both Morrissey and Our Mozzer are busy arranging the next stages of their world tours, and we wait with bated breath to find out where they will be. Morrissey has already announced on TTY that he will be playing in seven cities in Mexico in June, and that this will be followed with concerts in Brazil, Argentina, Peru and Chile. Our Mozzer has already hinted that HE will play at least two shows in the UK, including London, so now, with Our Mozzer's suggestion that the US is back on the touring agenda, we must await to see if both TRM and Our Mozzer's tour plans marry up!


And so, to 'Thatcher Gate', which unlike 'Houston Gate', has not divided the MorrisseysWorlders..... yet! With a 'new' statement having been made on TTY by Morrissey, the likes of  LizzyCat and Romina believe that the case is closed, and that the 'statement' that appeared in The Mirror and The Beast was nothing more than a "mash-up" of the 'Loaded' interview, put together by opportunistic journalists, as pointed out by UncleSkinny and his So-Low mates (although it appears that this wasn't an original thought, they lifted it from the 'All You Need Is Morrissey' website!). However, I STILL don't believe that the 'new' statement closes the case, and nor does GWO, who has tweeted Lauren Papapietro (@LaurnPapapietro) to ask her to shed some light on the matter. Lauren has not yet replied. GWO has also made the following observations:

Well, what do I know – obviously absolutely nowt. But.... the TTY statement Morrissey said ‘The difficulty with giving a comment on Margaret Thatcher's death to the British tabloids is that, no matter how calmly and measuredly you speak, the comment must be reported as an "outburst" or an "explosive attack" if your view is not pro-establishment.’
Was the explosive attack the ‘blasts’ in The Mirror? Pitchfork reports that ‘A Morrissey representative confirms that the singer's strongly-worded criticisms of Margaret Thatcher, which surfaced after news of her death yesterday, came from an old interview in an issues (sic) of Loaded magazine’. About half of what was said in the open letter on The Daily Beast came from the Loaded interview – but where did the rest of it come from? A mash-up, fake, an Italian crocodile?
More questions than answers. 

The fact that Morrissey's own PR company retweeted The Mirror article must SURELY mean the statement came from Morrissey, and what is more, WHY would 'Banjaxer'  have posted the statement on his own blog and signed it 'Morrissey' if it wasn't with Morrissey's authority? It is "common knowledge" that Banjaxer runs the '@MorrisseysMum' twitter account, and I should know, I HANDED IT OVER TO HIM, but impersonating Morrissey for 'a laugh' on twitter is one thing, making a claim that a statement is BY him is quite another. I still suspect that Banjaxer wrote Monday's statement, and that he wrote it with Morrissey's FULL backing. I also STILL believe that Banjaxer is an employee of Morrissey's, as I mentioned yesterday.


I also believe that the only reason that Morrissey has now issued a 'new' statement regarding Thatcher on TTY, is to make it look as though he didn't issue the first statement, thus taking the heat away from Banjaxer, but it must be remembered, Morrissey HASN'T denied that he authorized the first statement, and as GWO has pointed out, the "blasts" comment used by The Mirror probably annoyed Moz, so he may have decided to issue ANOTHER statement, in order to not just have another kick at Thatcher, but to also take a kick at The Mirror for it's sensationalism, whilst simultaneously giving Banjaxer a clip around the ear for both his lazy journalism, and for allowing the "blast" to be printed!

Let's face it, that first statement looks like it was put together by somebody who wanted to get the article finished quickly before the Man Utd v Man City game started! The one thing that CAN'T be denied is that there is definitely SOME new bits in Monday's statement, so whoever wrote it DIDN'T just take it all from the 'Loaded' interview, SOMEBODY wrote some new bits! Here is what MIGHT have happened on Monday:

(The scene is the living room of the two-up, two-down terraced house shared by Morrissey and his mother, Betty. Both Morrissey and his mother are sat in arm chairs opposite each other, with a small coffee table in between them. They are playing a card game called 'Old Maid'. Radio 4 is on quietly in the background. It is just after 1.30pm on Monday April 8th.)

BETTY: *Takes a card from her son's hand and throws down her final 'pair'* (In a mixed Irish/Mancunian accent) Well, Steven, that's another game to me. What's the score now?

MORRISSEY: Seventeen all.

BETTY: (Irate) Is it 'eckers loicke! How can we be drawing, I was five games ahead before.

MORRISSEY: That was ages ago, mother. I've just won six games on the trot, I was winning before that game.

BETTY: Six games on the trot? You haven't won six games all morning! If you can't play fairly Steven, then there is no point playing at all! (stands up) I'm going to go and make something for us dinner, what would you like?

MORRISSEY: Mother, 'please'! It's lunch, NOT dinner.

BETTY: Don't go getting all lah-de-dah with me, my boy, do you want something to eat or not?

MORRISSEY: Oh go on then, I'll have a cheese and pickle sandwich.

BETTY: I thought you were going to give up the cheese?

MORRISSEY: (Defensively) It's my ONE vice mother, my ONE vice! I don't feel good about myself when I eat it, but it helps remind me that we ALL have flaws. No animal actually dies in the process of cheese making you know, so I can just about cope with the exploitation. (Betty leaves the room and heads for the kitchen) (Shouting) Actually, I'll have some mushroom soup, you've made me feel bad about myself with your quite unnecessary cheese jibe.

BETTY: (Shouting) Well, if you hadn't cheated with the cards, I wouldn't have brought it up. Perhaps you'll think on next time.

(The telephone rings in the front room. Morrissey is sat right next to it, but ignores it as it rings six times)

BETTY: (Shouting) Steven, are you going to answer the telephone? (Morrissey ignores both the phone and his mother until eventually she walks back into the room. She is now wearing her pinny) Why haven't you answered the telephone, Steven?

MORRISSEY: I don't want to talk to them.

BETTY: You don't even know who it is yet, and anyway, it moight be for me.

MORRISSEY: It is irrelevant WHO it is, I don't want to talk to them, and I very much doubt that it's for you, the only person who ever calls you is me, and I'm here.

BETTY: Well that's not true on both counts! Your sister rings me regular, as do the boys, whereas YOU never ring. Anyway, I'd better answer it. You never know, it moight be your friend Mortin, such a lovely boy.

MORRISSEY: It won't be! Boz is far too busy playing Polecats to be bothered with me. (Betty picks up the phone).

BETTY: (Talking into the receiver) Hello, yes?

BANJAXER: Hello Ms Dwyer, it's me Kevin, Kevin Marrinan.

BETTY: Oh hello Kevin, how's the family?

BANJAXER: All good thanks Ms Dwyer. Is Morrissey there please, I need to talk to him about Margaret Thatcher, she's died.

BETTY: Oh yes, we know, we heard it on the wireless a little earlier. I'll pass you over Kevin, love, hold on. (Betty holds the receiver towards Morrissey to take, but he doesn't.)

MORRISSEY: (To Betty) Who is it?

BETTY: It's Kevin, the journalist friend of yours from Wythenshawe.

MORRISSEY: Mother, I don't 'have' friends, and if I ever did care to 'take a friend', it would certainly NOT be a journalist.

BETTY: (To Morrissey) Are you going to speak to him or not?


BETTY: (To Morrissey) But he can hear that you are here, don't make this awkward for me, you're always doing this. (Betty covers the receiver with her hand)

MORRISSEY: Then you shouldn't make false promises to people.

BETTY: (To Morrissey) What false promises?

MORRISSEY: Promises that you will put me on the phone, when I have made no indication whatsoever that I wish to speak on the phone! It's like the Isle of Wight festival and the Andy Rourke incident all over again! You people only have yourselves to blame for getting into these 'awkward' positions, and then you all come running to me to dig you all out of the shit?

BETTY: (To Morrissey) Mind your language Steven, I won't have that sort of filth under my roof, and how DARE you put me in the same bracket as all those others, I'm your Mother for Christ's sake *crosses herself* and DON'T you forget it.

(Morrissey licks his upper lip and smiles to himself.)

MORRISSEY: I'll tell you what Mother, if you are prepared to concede the current Old Maid tournament, I will dig you out of your hole, and I'll take the telephone call from this dreadful little journalist.

BETTY: (To Morrissey) Ah, bollocks to your Old Maid, you can have the win if you want it that much.

MORRISSEY: YES! Hand over the trophy, Mother.

BETTY: (To Morrissey) I'll hand it over once you've spoken tho Kevin, and once you've finished your exploitation.

MORRISSEY: Exploitation?

BETTY: (To Morrissey) Your cheese sandwich!

(Betty hands Morrissey the telephone receiver and heads back to the kitchen)

MORRISSEY: (Shouting to his mother with hand over the receiver) I said I'd have soup! (Talking into the receiver) Hello, who is it?

BANJAXER: Hi Moz, it's me, Kevin Marrinan.


BANJAXER: Walter Ego?! I'm the one who does your internet work.

MORRISSEY: Oh yes, Walter Ego, my troll. What do you want Walter? I'm a very busy man.

BANJAXER: Yes, sorry to disturb you Moz, but Maggie Thatcher's died.

MORRISSEY: Yes, I heard it on the wireless. Please don't make her sound warm by giving her a christian name, her name was Thatcher, nothing more. Anyway, why are you telephoning me with this most uninteresting news?

BANJAXER: The press want to know your thoughts Moz, they want word from the man who wanted to put her on a guillotine.

MORRISSEY: I am FAR too busy and far too disinterested to write a statement about that hateful piece of shit. On the wireless they were saying how much she'd done for feminism, which is utter crap Kieron, she HATED feminists, even though it was largely due to the progression of the women's movement that British people allowed themselves to accept that a Prime Minister could actually be female! Because of Thatcher, there will never again be another woman in power in British politics. No, Walter, I just cannot be bothered to release a statement about THAT woman, I have tours to arrange, record executives to speak to, t-shirts to design, I am an artiste, and my art needs me. I also have a thirty question interview that I have promised to answer for my fans. I suppose you think that I just sit around all day playing Old Maid with my Mother?

BANJAXER: (Laughing) No, of course not, I realise that you are very busy, but I really do think you should issue some sort of statement today, your fans are expecting it. I don't mind writing it for you!

MORRISSEY: (Sounding incredulous) YOU, write on behalf of ME, the people's poet? Oh the thought of it. I have started to spasm.

BANJAXER: Well, if you don't get something out there today Moz, then the papers will go after Bragg or Costello for the eighties indie music comment! They may even go for Dave Wakeling!

MORRISSEY: (Sounding incredulous.... again!) Bragg or Costello? Fucking Wakeling? Who cares what THEY think? Bragg's gone soft in his old age, I bet he'll even use her christian name, or god forbid, refer to her as Baroness. In fact, I can tell you EXACTLY what Bragg will say, he'll say, (adopts a wide boy London accent) "The death of Margaret Thatcher is nothing more than a salient reminder of how Britain got into the mess that we are in today." It's all so predictable.

BANJAXER: There's talk among the journalists I know, that they are seeking Russell Brand's view on Thatcher.

MORRISSEY: (Sounding incredulous... AGAIN!) Gristle? What the FUCK does he know? He wasn't even born when she was sinking retreating ships. Oh Christ, OK, I'll give you a statement, but I don't want to see any of your shitty journo spin on it, I don't want any "Outburst" or "Explosive attack" pinned to my statement, do you understand?

BANJAXER: I can't control the headlines they give Moz. Shall we get to work?

MORRISSEY: Get to work? Sod that, old son, just copy everything I said in that Loaded interview about the old cow, and add in that bit I gave you a minute ago about the feminists. I can't waste anymore time on this, I REALLY AM extraordinarily busy. *Puts down the phone* (Shouting to the kitchen) Mother, how do you fancy another championship? First to twenty five!


  1. oh rat you do make me smile and that picture of poor banjaxer thats from last year when the stewards threw him out of old trafford, sadly hes aged a bit since they took that photo

  2. Love it! Great piece of work Rat! Thank you!

  3. Personally I am not sure why Morrissey would ask someone else to compose a statement on his behalf. Especially when he has such strong beliefs about the subject. But of course it is possible.

    Anyway what a treat to have some parody, thank you.
    Looking forward to a nice cuppa with Moz tonight!

  4. Haha, nice to have a new parody - thank you! As always, I'll miss Broken while he's gone. I hope the suggestion of more concerts will become a reality but only if Moz's health is restored 100%.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. He loves to play devil's advocate and you shouldn't believe everything he says. I think he was trying to make the point of how far do you take it?

    2. Chucky, you were being wound up and you didn't realise it. Everybody else could see it though.

      I'm not sure why this comment was deleted previously, it's not exactly solow-style.

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. You are naughty Rats, rifling in my tweet drawer, but have to report that I have been ignored by PR Lauren. Maybe I should have approached the Beast :)
    Would be easy to accept the statement as a mash-up from Loaded if it were not for the additional bits. As it is, it seems a repetition of opinion with new bits added.
    Great to have a par-o-dee. Had to google Old Maid as I had forgotten how that game was played. Who is Kieron?

  7. Great blog Rat :-)

    I always do enjoy your work

  8. Hello Rat! Faboulous parody piece! What can I say? Surely Morrissey refused to be painted like the "Bigmouth", but surely the press loves to paint him like this! Morrissey loves irony and he can be a measured person, but, somehow, the press put on him an uncomfortable dress! He can survive, of course! I googled Old Maid to and I found that it's also a pejorative term for spinster!Funny! I'm learning a lot of things! Thanks to Girlwithout, very clever comments and also to Air, maybe you're right, the statement on TTY was posted to "Correct" the first one. Last, but not least, I can remember a little conversation with Broken about the fact that Morrissey played in Tel Aviv in the past Summer, well he's surely the Devil's Advocate! I'm sure he was testing my feeling! Have a nice day Rat and thanks again!


  9. Why did you delete my comment from yesterday Rats ??

    1. I am so sorry, I deleted it by mistake when I was deleting the mistake you had made when you called Kill Uncle, Kill Bill, whixh incidentally, I thought was very funny! Here is your comment from yesterday:


      It's great to have you back blogging regularly Rats.

      Perhaps TRM did not want to issue a statement about Margaret Thatcher on the day
      that Kill Uncle and TLOTFIP was released, so therefore his comments were released a day later.
      Just a thought !!

      Your parody piece today is hilarious and possibly even accurate !

  10. Dont know where my last one went but hinge and bracket was the new statesman not the observer

  11. Very funny parody piece, I remember Old Maid from when I was a child and that I could never understand why you didn't want to be the one left with the last card, guess I was too young to know what an Old Maid was, or didn't care if some one wasn't married. Just read that some of the 'Munchkins' are upset they are using the 'Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead' song for Thatcher's funeral. I think it's funny and the older kids in the house do too and researching as to why the song is being used. Surprisingly,it has become a learning experience here. You'd almost think it was parody piece if it wasn't true. Hope all have a good weekend. #BlueRoseSociety


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