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Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Day 700 - To Wreck, My Own Way (Act 1 Scene 2 - Part 1)

(For those of you who missed Scene 1... Boz has just arrived at Morrissey's house and been told by Morrissey's mum that Moz is upstairs in his bedroom!)

BOZ: (Knocks the bedroom door. The song Alma Matters can be heard playing. There is no answer at the bedroom door. Boz knocks again. No answer. Boz knocks yet again. There is still no answer, and Alma Matters continues playing.)

(Morrissey is laying on his bedroom floor next to the record player. Having heard the first two knocks at the door and ignoring them, after the third knock, Morrissey quietly recites a little rhyme to himself.)

MOZ: One, two, three, four, who's that knocking at my door? Five, six, seven, eight, it must be Boz, the fat cunt's late, nine, ten (shouting) COME IN!

(Boz opens the door and enters. The room is full of books, records and many other things just scattered around, as though they have all recently been taken out to look at. Morrissey is laying on the floor next to an old Dansette record player that is still playing the 7 inch version of Alma Matters. Morrissey is just staring up at the ceiling.)


Scene from An Education (2009)

BOZ: You all right Moz?

MOZ: Right? Right? What sort of question is that to ask me Boz? When have I ever been right? (Morrissey stops gazing at the ceiling and slowly gets up, as if he is coming back from his daydream into the real world) Anyway, you're late, you should have been here days ago.

BOZ (looking bewildered): Late? You haven't even asked me to come and see you! I only came up because I was concerned.

MOZ: Concerned? I've been back in this good forsaken country for over two weeks Boz, so you can't have been THAT concerned. You KNEW how distraught I was about the whole South American debacle, and yet did you rush to my side in my hour of need, oh no, you've been too busy making rap records with your Happy Mondays friend.

BOZ: It's Happy...

MOZ: (Interrupting) I could have been hanging from the light flex for the past two weeks and nobody would have either noticed or cared.

BOZ: (Blinking hard) Sorry Moz, I didn't think...

MOZ: (Interrupting) And that's the problem Boz, you don't think. None of you think, you all just get on with your own petty little lives, ignoring the needs of the centre point of your existence, ie, ME! Have you ANY idea how you would spend the rest of your life if I were to die? (Boz looks at the floor) Then let me tell you. You would spend your days answering interview after interview about ME! Once it finally dawned on the outside world what a genius I was, they'd all want to talk to you, 'Boz Boorer, the man closest to the legend'. They won't want to know about the Pole Cats or Happy Harry, they'll want to know all about me, Boz, and what I was really like. (There is a long silence) Anyway, luckily for you, your willful neglect of me is all part of my master plan. It's all in my diaries you know, and one day it will all come out.

BOZ: (Blinking) What do you mean Moz?

MOZ: Well, old son, you don't think all these concert cancellations and the failure of my latest record to chart are all down to bad luck do you? The whole thing is mapped out Boz, the whole thing. It always has been.

BOZ: I don't understand.

MOZ: Of course you don't Boz, of course you don't. Nobody ever could, but we're in the wrecking stage.

BOZ: (Blinking) I, I... what are you on about Moz?

MOZ: Have you read this? (Moz passes Boz a copy of The Guardian from July 2013. Boz blinks hard and squints.) Christ, Boz, your eye sight is getting worse. Where are your glasses?

BOZ: They make me look like Olive from 'On the Buses'.

MOZ: Well, the way you're squinting makes you look like Fred Scuttle.

BOZ: Who?

MOZ: Benny Hill character.

BOZ: The little one?

MOZ: No, you're thinking of Jackie Wright. He wasn't a character Boz, he was a real person.

BOZ: Wasn't Jackie Wright the tall one?

MOZ: No, that was Bob Todd.

BOZ: Is that the one you meant?

MOZ: No Boz, he's a real person too. I meant Fred Scuttle, which is why I said Fred Scuttle. Now put your glasses on and read the article.

BOZ: (Puts on his glasses and looks at the paper.) I've already read this. Well, actually Lyn read it to me. They're really going for you this time Moz.


MOZ: Read it again Boz. Out loud.

BOZ: (Reading from the paper) "Morrissey: has his light finally gone out?" (Morrissey raises his eyes to the heavens and tuts.)

BOZ: (Reading) "Illness, financial challenges, the lack of a record deal and no new songs for four years - maybe it's time that the singer rekindled some old friendships. Is this the end for Morrissey? After a troubled year in which..."

MOZ: (Interrupting) That'll do Boz. It's perfect.

BOZ: I still don't get it.

MOZ: Maybe it's time I let you in on the whole plan, old son.

(To be continued)


  1. no, no, it cant be, he just wouldn't.. remember his "we are not all fat slags" comment

  2. I hope the continuation is coming very sOOn - I can't wait to hear about Moz's masterful plan!

  3. Please don't keep us in suspense for tOO long. Hope the next installment is posted sOOn!

  4. You are cruel to leave us in suspense!

  5. So the plot thickens. Please don't let a wait too long for part 2


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