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Sunday, 20 October 2013

Day 767 - Reviewing The Reviews of 'Autobiography' - A Parody Piece for FTM by Our Mozzer



Mikey Bracewell: ..."More to the point, Morrissey’s micro-critique of mainstream English literature and its hide-bound poets and novelists offers a pre-emptive strike against those critics grumbling about that fact that Autobiography has been published via the hallowed Penguin Classics imprint... 

*the seminal artiste juts out his jaw, nodding gently*

*Boz Boorer nods forcefully, spilling a little coffee down his West Ham shirt*

*the seminal artiste rolls his eyes and sighs*

Mikey Bracwell: "...For Boyd Tonkin, writing in this paper, Penguin’s decision to release the book as a Classic undermined “67 years of editorial rigueur and learning”. The Guardian’s John Harris was less damning in his review, but even he criticised the apparent “lack of editing..."

*the seminal artiste shakes his head, smirking, yet with pensive eyes.*

*Boz Boorer tuts and rolls his eyes, nodding at Morr-ee-say*

Mikey Bracewell: "If I may miss out a brief passage, Morr-ee-say...?"

Morrissey: "Which rag is it?"

Mikey Bracewell: "The Independent, Morr-ee-say."


Independent newspaper


Morrissey: "Permission granted."

Mikey Bracewell: *gazes down the webpage*... "ah, yes... What is so refreshing about Morrissey’s Autobiography is its very messiness, its deliriously florid, overblown prose style, its unwillingness to kowtow to a culture of literary formula and commercial pigeon-holing...."

*the iconic star brushes back his quiff, gazing sagely into space, then, lost in contemplation, sighs in agreement, or in recognition, or otherwise in disappointment*

Mikey Bracewell: "...A heavy-handed editor mindful of the book’s Classic branding might have abridged it down into a sedate, prize-worthy volume void of idiosyncrasy and colour. Thankfully – and yes, most likely because of Morrissey’s celebrity clout and reputation for intransigence – no such airbrushing has taken place..."

Morrissey: "A very thoughtful and true piece. I think he's realised my little book is about to redefine the literary zeitgeist in the same way as my music once redefined the musical zeitgeist."

Mikey Bracewell: "ONCE did, Morr-ee-say?"

*Mikey Bracewell gazes upon the artiste's oakish features unblinkingly, wondering*

Morrissey: "One can only redefine the zeitgeist once in any field of art by giving oneself entirely to it. Afterwards one's entire self is expressed in the art, so therefore how can one's own self change it again? One instantly becomes like a detonated hydrogen bomb... impotent, melted, unable to do anything of note ever again..."


Boz Boorer: "I didn't know you were impotent, sir-"

Morrissey: "For f**k's sake. Help the illiterate meat eater, Mikey. I'm afraid my own literary genius (Penguin Classics, etc) cannot condescend to such levels of woeful ineptitude; would be like Newton trying to mark GCSE homework in Clapton."

Mikey Bracewell: "Morr-ee-say is speaking metaphorically, Boz."

Boz Boorer: "Does his doctor know?"




Mikey Bracewell: *smiles thinly*

Morrissey: "Nice to know at least one hack can appreciate the iconoclasm and complexity of the book, and can comprehend the notion of the book not having to hide itself under the duvet of literary conventionality... edited beyond an inch of its soul..."

Mikey Bracewell: "Yes, Morr-ee-say. Of course they have no idea that, as editor, I had to do almost nothing-"

Morrissey: "-Almost?"

Mikey Bracewell: "Well, I did have to edit out a few of the fascinating and mesmerisings-"

Morrissey: "-But none of the extraordinaries, I hope..."

Mikey Bracewell: "It's a shame Penguin didn't fully appreciate your ironic-yet-sincere use of the words, Morr-ee-say. Irony, with sincere intent.. it hasn't been done before."

Morrissey: "If I'd wanted literary nous, true appreciation of one's ..."

*the artiste waves his hand aloft, seeking inspiration from the skies*

Morrissey: "... of one's... of one's essence... then... one would have chosen Faber. I realise Penguin Classics is rather lowbrow in so many ways, but this shouldn't necessarily be an obstacle in one's pursuit of literary perfection. Yes, they failed to grasp the structural importance of the M- and F- words; and yes they failed to understand irony-with-sincere-intent as a grand concept, but frankly what would one expect of a label happy to publish the dreariness that is Hans Christian Andersen? Besides with Winter coming, I need the coppers, what with the ever-rising overheads and severe levels of true inflation at least, Penguin Classics will guarantee I won't have to switch the lights off early on my next tour, won't have to truncate set-lists, won't have to shiver in the house all January..."

Mikey Bracewell: "Penguin Classics. It's splendid isn't it?"
*Mikey holds up the book like an old antique in a shop, admiring the simple elegance of the black cover with blue portrait*



Boz Boorer: "I like the way that journalist from the Independent realised a book can still be great despite being messy and muddled, Mozzer. What makes me so cross is that the music journalists don't realise the same's true of your albums. What did he write again?... What makes autobiography great is its very messiness... now WHY can't Petridis realise the same is true of Years of Refusal, sir?"

Morrissey: "Well, quite, Boz. Petriditis did once write in the G***dian that one singer in particular was fabulous because he/she sang OUT OF TUNE. Now in that context, isn't it a little ironic for the same publication to criticise a writer for being unable to write, as John Harris has apparently done?"

Mikey Bracewell: *smiles, sips some tea, squeezes his lips gently together*

Morrissey: "Typical Hack. Harris - isn't that the c**t that gave Quarry a bad review? Philistine."

Mikey Bracewell: *nods invitingly*

Morrissey: "Perhaps if he would wash his hair and lose some weight, he would grow to love my recent output. I'm afraid one's days of churning out tenement block poems and bedsit melancholia for the greasy-haired and plump are long-gone. Old Harris will need to adjust his perceptions, have a proper wash and go on a diet, if he intends to benefit from one's more recent works..."



Boz Boorer: "...Sir, five stars in the Telegraph. This one doesn't even complain about your poor grammar, sir-"

Morrissey: "-That's not my poor grammar, old son - it's Mikey's. He's the editor and he's to blame... from THAT perspective..."

Mikey Bracewell: "Well, I-"

Morrissey: "-Besides, there is a reason the c**t can't get a novel published for love nor money, you know. Perhaps it has something to do with his more prosaic, less DELIRIOUSLY FLORID style... I'm more than happy to arrange a few creative writing lessons for you Mikey, if you're interested of course..."

Mikey Bracewell: "I don't think-"

Morrissey: "-Yes, five stars in the Telegraph. There, you see. Short hair. Decent incomes. Nice detached houses in the Cheshire green belt. Successful in their own fields. One's modern fanbase. None of these whingeing, greasy-haired left wing music hacks and council house wasters... Harris is, I'm afraid, like Petriditis, making a grave mistake. Credibility in tatters. Career in its terminal phase. Wheezing at rest. On home oxygen. Harris and Petriditis: they are to I as The Christian Monitor was to Old Oscar."

Mikey Bracewell: "Dreadful men."
Morrissey: "Barely. Garrulous fame-whores... tarts... loose women..."

Boz Boorer: "I had no idea you were so good at writing sir. To have a Penguin Classic in your own lifetime is amazing. You are up there with Tolstoy, Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie now, sir, up there with the greats..."

*the artiste taps his fingers on the coffee table irascibly before bursting into uncontrollable laugher*


Boz Boorer: "You look genuinely thrilled, sir. To be mentioned alongside Agatha Christie must be a real honour."

*Mikey Bracewell raises an eyebrow, sips his tea and smiles to himself*



36 comments:

  1. May I be the first to add comment and say that, not only is it a HUGE privilege to have a Moz parody piece submitted to my blog, but it is a particularly hilarious one too. In the absence of MorrisseysWorld, I would LOVE to receive more offerings like this from his Mozship.

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  2. I want more of the penguin or boz to us lot, he is always seen looking in to a beer glass and lives, well, you know

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  3. We would all love to see more offerings from his Mozship! Great to see this wonderful piece highlighted on its own page, as it deserves. Many thanks to Our Mozzer!

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  4. The perfect end to a special week. At last " Autobiography " has been published, we have seen footage and photos of Morrissey in Gothenburg and an interesting message from him on TTY. Now a new parody piece, based on the book reviews, from Our Mozzer.
    It is, of course, brilliant, hilarious and wicked. The photos illustrate it brilliantly.
    I am absolutely thrilled and humbled to be part of Mozworld.

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  5. I would just like to point out that sir has maligned me badly in this piece. I had a mouthful of biscuit at the time and I actually said "important" not "impotent" but mad mikey twisted my words.

    BB

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    Replies
    1. Boz, if you have something to say come to my office and say it, stop lurking down in the kitchen muttering to Mam, it will do you no good.

      MB

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  6. This is not Our Mozzer; however, I speak on his behalf. Broken and Russell have advised Our Mozzer of the necessary editing required to bring the piece up to MW standards. I include the corrections here:

    1 Mikey Bracewell's second comment requires an 'e' in Bracewell.
    2 When Mikey says "overblown prose style" a '-' should immediately follow the word style. Our Mozzer should then say, "-C**t." Mikey's comment should then continue beneath, with three dots immediately prior to resuming reading out the review.
    3 Morrissey must say "A thoughtful and MOSTLY (lower case italics) true piece." Rather than "music" redefined the musical zeitgeist, it should read "songs"
    4 Morrissey would like another three dots before the word 'essence' in his comment after waving his hand in the air a little.
    5 The punctuation at the end of this comment should be as follows:

    Besides, with Winter coming, I need the coppers, what with the ever-rising overheads and severe levels of true inflation. At least Penguin Classics will guarantee a certain old pop singer won't have to switch the lights off early on his next self-financed South American tour, won't have to truncate his set-lists, won't have to shiver (yet again) in the house all January..."

    6 Immediately after this, Boz should say: "I thought you had four houses, sire-"

    7 Morrissey says: "Shut up, Boz. Haven't you got a washboard to clean, or a whistle to wet?"

    8 Boz's comment should read: "What did that journalist from the Independent write again, sir?... What makes autobiography great is its very messiness (italics)... now WHY can't Petridis realise the same is true of Years of Refusal, sir?"

    9 Morrissey replies: "A fascinating point, Boz. Petriditis did once write in the G***dian that one dreary singer whom I can't remember at all was fabulous because he/she sang OUT OF TUNE. Now in that context, isn't it a little hypocritical for the same publication to criticise a writer for being unable to write, as John Harris has apparently done? And not to mention ironic, in the case of a certain literary icon..."

    10 It goes without saying that Mikey and Morrissey's words should be on separate lines when Loose Women are mentioned, Rat. Tut, tut.

    11 Boz says: "I had no idea you were so good at writing sir. To have a Penguin Classic in your own lifetime is fascinating-

    12 Moz interrupts: "Poor choice of words there, Boz, old son. By fascinating, I presume you actually meant extraordinary (italics, naturally).

    13 insert: *the fascinating artiste licks his lips in mesmerizing fashion, looking jaded*

    14 Boz continues: "...sorry sir, I meant to say extraordinary, of course sire, how silly of me to get that wrong again. I was just about to say, sir, that you're up there with Tolstoy, Enid Blyton, Agatha Christie and Roald Dhal now, sir, up there with the greats, up there with some of your true inspirations, like Jane Austen and Lord Lucan..."

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    Replies
    1. I'm not sure who is responsible for these editorial mishaps but I would have thought heads would roll. Unless, of course, the introduction of TRB into the process as an unpaid copywriter has damaged the brand.

      If this route of parody writing is to continue might I suggest a suitable course for TRB (at his expenses, of course) so that standards are maintained. Otherwise Enigmatic Otherness will be (further) consigned to the history books.

      With much love.

      Delete
    2. I understand Broken is to Our Mozzer as Zbiegniew Brzezinski was to Jimmy Carter. He has to see everything before it sees the light of day.

      Delete
    3. So the finger points at Broken whose clinical approach to medicine is obviously not translating through into his duty of care to his Mozzer. A suitable case for an emergency meeting of the bans committee, surely?

      Delete
  7. Needless to say, this comment and the one preceding it should be deleted, but only when all changes are fully implemented, including dashes where interruptions are made.

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    Replies
    1. I have bin asked to infirm you that the person you know as TRB who is actuall called Simon is currnetly playing cricket in Portsmouth and therefore cannot make any changes to his blog. He has however asked me to come on here to say that he WON'T (he specificaly asked me to put that word in capitols) be making any changes to your parody story and has suggested that perhaps you make sure everything is correct before submitting it to his "MORE tahn semi-mesmerizing blog" (his words, not mine. I don't have a clue what he means). Rat makes no apology for being slightly up himsefl and says that if you can't manage to spell Bracewell correctly, then "tough titties". He also said, this isn't the first time this has happened with your work, citing 'Everyday' instead of Every Day, 'Cemetry' instead of cemetary and apparently your book is absolutely full of mistakes, including one bit that says you visited a 'crib' instead of a 'club'! Did anybody else notice that... he asks?
      I'm not really a fan of yours if I'm honest, although I did enjoy you at Salisbury in 2009, but was too pissed to even see straight when I came up to Manchester's MEN in 2012. I won't be reading your book, or any book come to it.

      Big Mick (Friend of Rat)

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    2. What an entertaining comment Big Mick. Is there a Little Mick ?
      Glad to know that Rat has a friend.

      Delete
  8. A final correction direct from Our Mozzer.

    After the above corrections are made, Our Mozzer would like the relevant sentence to read as follows:

    "Morrissey must say "A thoughtful and MOSTLY (lower case italics) true piece. I'd give that dreary hack 8/10 for effort and 5/10 for achievement. A semi-c**t among c**ts. Print it out and place it on the Not For Revenge (italics) pile, Mikey"

    - also Rather than "music" redefined the musical zeitgeist, it should read "songs"

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    Replies
    1. Thank the lord there is a "Not For Revenge" pile, do you think I will ever be moved over to that one?

      Alex P

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  9. Oh, what a magisterial piece from Our Mozzer. As I trot in on horseback to survey his realm, I see many unsolved riddles and breath-taking mysteries! Well, Moz, I'm ready to make my next move!

    And off he trots...

    Russell

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  10. We are forming a new rhythm combo to bring the music of the sixties back to life. We were wondering if a certain out of work vocalist might like to participate? Books are all very well but nothing beats a good three minute outing. Speak soon though, we are talking to Jason Donovan who is showing interest.

    In humble adoration.

    Andy, Craig and Mike (for this is how we shall be billed on our forthcoming tour)

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    Replies
    1. Hello boys, working hard on the old quiff and developing that cord-whip thing you described. Looking forward to the tour, bet old whats-his-name never gets back to you.
      Love.
      Jase.

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  11. Good afternoon,

    I have long enjoyed both this blog and the other place, before it was cruelly stolen away from us all in its prime. It is mystifying that you're willing to spend so many hours writing about such a mundane thing as my life. If the book proves anything, it proves that a word as vital, immediate and expansive as 'life' probably doesn't apply to this thing I've been doing for the past fifty four years. Still, we breathe, we eat, we sleep, and we listen to music. This, to some, is life.

    I have no intention ever of requesting either of the blogs be closed down. I will continue to touch, caress and grab them whenever possible - blue roses, that is.

    And now to other things, grim and pointless; this is what Sundays are for.

    Morrissey,

    Sweden. 20th October, 2013.

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    Replies
    1. That is some book-signing session, are you almost finished?

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    2. Morrissey, I love you, warts and all. You are always surprising.
      There I have said it.
      * hurries away to hide *

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    3. As mundane as your life may seem to you, mine is even more so. You have breathed hope into it and for this I thank you.

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    4. Ditto, heathercat.

      Hope and vegetables.

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  12. my poor council estate education just cant cope... --- ... """ ** -

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  13. The wit & humour here is a joy. It has been a memorable few days.

    I consider myself blessed to be part of this wonderful journey.

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    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more ! It is wonderful to be part of the Blue Rose Family.
      Thank you so much Morrissey.

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    2. Discovering hidden codes in the autobiography referring to Morrisseysworld and the blue rise society!

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    3. Please do share when you are ready

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  14. Can I just say that having read ca. a third of Autobiography so far, I have fallen in love over and over again with Morrissey! Thank you!

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  15. Monsieur Rat - thank you for granting my wish. This parody piece definitely warranted its own page, but after all the demands placed on you by Our Mozzer to correct and refine it, you may well wish that you had left it where it was in the basement beneath your prose.

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  16. The real Morrissey is a fool, and he has become such a sorry sod as evidenced in his book. He continues his decline by allowing this shite on this site.

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