(The scene is set at the Cat and Fiddle Pub in LA, where Morrissey is enjoying an evening out with; his long time friend, Michael Bracewell, his musical director Boz Boorer, his personal hairdresser Damon Anacreonte and his bitchy failed medic 'friend', known simply as 'Broken'. Michael Bracewell is holding an ipad, and has been reading out loud the latest reviews for Morrissey's recently published best selling book, Autobiography. It is present day)
Morrissey: Read that one again Mikey, a bit slower this time. Let us, the audience, really take on board what the reviewer is saying.
Morrissey: It's a shame that he chose to write his review for such a dreadful rag, but I don't think we should hold that against him. Off you go then Mikey, let's have it, and remember, nice and slow.
*Bracewell rolls his eyes and looks to the heavens*
Morrissey: Anyway, forget about unwritten books by my former backing band members, let's hear more about me and my burnished prose. Carry on Mikey.
*Bracewell looks back at the last sentence he has read*
Broken: Oh, fantastic! Listen to this, "Eagleton grew up in a working-class Irish Catholic family in Salford." No wonder he's drooling all over your book, half of it's all about his childhood. I bet you're probably related. (Broken laughs again).
*All goes quiet for a minute or two*
Morrissey: Actually, Mikey, let's have that very last paragraph one more time.
*Bracewell takes back the ipad from Broken, gets Eagleton's review back up, and reads the final paragraph*
Morrissey: Slower this time.
Michael Bracewell: "Could... walk... away... with... the... Booker Prize."
Morrissey: Mikey, were the words Booker Prize ever mentioned about any of your works? Actually, don't answer that, old son, there's no point scoring going on here.
Morrissey: I don't know what you were about to say, Damon, but whatever it was will only cause damage. I have come to learn, thanks in part to the writing of my record breaking book, that the reason I fall out with people so easily, is because of the things they say, therefore, if you want to stay around a bit longer, which I'm sure you do, then say NOTHING, and just concentrate on what you do best, which is looking after the most famous barnet this side of Selma Park.
Morrissey: This had better be good, Boz old son, it's not just 'Ducks Arse' Damo that's on probation here. Don't go thinking that twenty years of playing in the Morrissey Band gives you passage of rights to call yourself a friend. Think carefully before saying whatever it is you feel the need to say, Boz, and if it's a question that you're going to ask, which it very much sounds like it is going to be, ask yourself first, is it really important enough to risk everything for?
*Boz continues without hesitation*
Boz Boorer: I was just going to say, I read a good review of your book this morning, in Rolling Stone.
Morrissey: Come on then, Mikey, let's give Boz the floor. Hand him the ipad and let's hear this 'good' review.
*Bracewell hands Boz the ipad, and after a few tuts and huffs, Boz eventually finds the page he is looking for*
Boz Boorer: The reason I like this review so much, is because the reviewer needed a little bit longer to finish the book, which I could relate to. I know most people whizzed through it in two or three days, but it wasn't like that for me.
Broken: It took you three days to turn it up the right way.
Morrissey: Ignore him, Boz. I'm intrigued to hear the words of your kindred spirit reviewer, I don't think I've read this one. (Morrissey turns to Bracewell) Mikey, why have you not read me this latest Rolling Stone review? It's your job to read me all the reviews.
Michael Bracewell: Sorry Morr-ee-say, I really don't remember seeing a review in Rolling Stone this morning.
Boz Boorer: Shall I start?
Morrissey: Please do, Boz. We're all ears.
*Boz puts on his glasses and puts his right index finger on the ipad, to follow the words as he reads. He then reads the article, very slowly and in a monotone voice, just as a primary school child does when first learning to read*
Boz Boorer: "I finished it last week. I read the book very slowly to get the rhythms right. It took me seven days, a bit more than the alloted time, but it was important to get the tone right. I'm such a big fan, it's a fascinating read. It's brilliantly written, and there are passages that are hilariously funny - that I loved reading."
*There is a pause*
Broken: Is that it?
Boz Boorer: Yes.
Morrissey: Boz, who is the author of this review?
*Boz looks down at the ipad*
Boz Boorer: Er, oh, that's a coincidence, his name's David Morrissey.
*Four heads simultaneously thud onto the table*