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Saturday, 16 November 2013

Day 794 - Yet Another Review of the Reviewers

(The scene is set in the Cat and Fiddle Pub in LA, where Morrissey is enjoying an evening out with; his long time friend, Michael Bracewell, his musical director Boz Boorer, his personal hairdresser Damon Anacreonte and his bitchy failed medic 'friend', known simply as 'Broken'. Michael Bracewell is holding an ipad, and has been reading out loud the latest reviews for Morrissey's recently published best selling book, Autobiography. It is present day)

Morrissey: Read that one again Mikey, a bit slower this time. Let us, the audience, really take on board what the reviewer is saying.

Michael Bracewell: What, all of it Morr-ee-say?

Morrissey: Yes Mikey, all of it. It would appear that this reviewer may actually know what he's on about. Who is he again?

Michael Bracewell: It's Terry Eagleton,writing for The Guardian.


TERRY EAGLETON


Morrissey: It's a shame that he chose to write his review for such a dreadful rag, but I don't think we should hold that against him. Off you go then Mikey, let's have it, and remember, nice and slow.

Michael Bracewell: "Not content with being voted the greatest northern male ever,"-

*Morrissey licks his top lip*

Michael Bracewell: -"the second greatest living British icon (he lost out to David Attenborough)"-

Morrissey: -Lost is hardly the right word, but carry on.

Michael Bracewell: -"and granted the freedom of the city of Tel Aviv, Morrissey is now out to demonstrate that he can write the kind of burnished prose no other singer on the planet could aspire to."-

Morrissey: -That bit again Mikey.

*Bracewell rolls his eyes and looks to the heavens*

Michael Bracewell: -"Morrissey is now out to demonstrate that he can write the kind of burnished prose no other singer on the planet could aspire to."-

Broken: -Although apparently marred Johnny is to be writing his memoirs soon, so perhaps-

Morrissey: -It says, "no other singer."

Broken: Well, he is a singer these days.

Morrissey: I'm not sure the clips that I've seen on Youtube would back that statement up, Broken, old son.

Broken: Fair point.

A SINGER


Morrissey: Anyway, forget about unwritten books by my former backing band members, let's hear more about me and my burnished prose. Carry on Mikey.

Michael Bracewell: "There are, to be sure, a few painfully florid patches in this superb autobiography"-

Morrissey: - You can skip this next bit Mikey, move on to the bit where Eagleton says, "it would be hard to imagine Ronnie Wood or Eric Clapton portraying the Duchess of nothing as a little bundle of orange."

Broken: Hold on a minute. Michael, did Eagleton really write, "to be sure"?

*Bracewell looks back at the last sentence he has read*

Michael Bracewell: Er, yes, "there are, to be sure..."-

Broken: (adopts an Irish accent) -To be sure, to be sure. This Terry Eagleton wouldn't happen to be Oirish would he? (Drops the accent) Let me google him.

*Broken snatches the ipad from Bracewell and begins typing. There is a pause as Broken reads, and then he laughs aloud*



Broken: Oh, fantastic! Listen to this, "Eagleton grew up in a working-class Irish Catholic family in Salford." No wonder he's drooling all over your book, half of it's all about his childhood. You're probably related. (Broken laughs again).

Morrissey: Ignore him Mikey, he's just jealous that some of us have achieved something with our lives, while he is nothing more than a beauty-school drop out. Read on. Actually, don't bother, he's soiled the moment now.

*All goes quiet for a minute or two*

Morrissey: Actually, Mikey, let's have that very last paragraph one more time.

*Bracewell takes back the ipad from Broken, gets Eagleton's review back up, and reads the final paragraph*

Michael Bracewell: "Perhaps the time has come for a new career. If he could get treatment for his addiction to alliteration..."-

Morrissey: - I need treatment for plenty of other things first...

Michael Bracewell: -..."and stops using phrases like"-

Morrissey: -Skip the negatives Mikey, get to the crux.

Michael Bracewell: - "this prodigiously talented small boy of 52, as he describes himself two years ago, could walk away with the Booker prize."

Morrissey: Last seven words again Mikey.

Michael Bracewell: "Could walk away with the Booker prize."

Morrissey: Slower this time.

Michael Bracewell: "Could... walk... away... with... the... Booker Prize."

*Morrissey licks his upper lip. Boz goes to speak, but Morrissey quickly silences him by holding up his hand. There is a short pause whilst Morrissey savers the moment*




Morrissey: Mikey, were the words Booker Prize ever mentioned about any of your works? Actually, don't answer that, old son, there's no point scoring going on here.

Broken: I still can't see how a man who uses the word 'superb' to describe your book manages to hold the title of Distinguished Professor of English Literature at Lancaster University.

Morrissey: I agree that it's a poor use of word, but who are we to disagree with a Distinguished Professor?

*Damon Anacreonte goes to speak, but Morrissey quickly silences him with a wave of the hand*

Morrissey: I don't know what you were about to say, Damon, but whatever it was will only cause damage. I have come to learn, thanks in part to the writing of my record breaking book, that the reason I fall out with people so easily, is because of the things they say, therefore, if you want to stay around a bit longer, which I'm sure you do, then say NOTHING, and just concentrate on what you do best, which is looking after the most famous barnet this side of Selma Park.

Boz Boorer: Moz?

Morrissey: This had better be good, Boz old son, it's not just 'Ducks Arse' Damo that's on probation here. Don't go thinking that twenty years of playing in the Morrissey Band gives you passage of rights to call yourself a friend. Think carefully before saying whatever it is you feel the need to say, Boz, and if it's a question that you're going to ask, which it very much sounds like it is going to be, ask yourself first, is it really important enough to risk everything for?

*Boz continues without hesitation*

Boz Boorer: I was just going to say, I read a good review of your book this morning, in Rolling Stone.

Morrissey: Come on then, Mikey, let's give Boz the floor. Hand him the ipad and let's hear this 'good' review.

*Bracewell hands Boz the ipad, and after a few tuts and huffs, Boz eventually finds the page he is looking for*

Boz Boorer: The reason I like this review so much, is because the reviewer needed a little bit longer to finish the book, which I could relate to. I know most people whizzed through it in two or three days, but it wasn't like that for me.

Broken: It took you three days to turn it up the right way.

Morrissey: Ignore him, Boz. I'm intrigued to hear the words of your kindred spirit reviewer, I don't think I've read this one. (Morrissey turns to Bracewell) Mikey, why have you not read me this latest Rolling Stone review? It's your job to read me all the reviews.

Michael Bracewell: Sorry Morr-ee-say, I really don't remember seeing a review in Rolling Stone this morning.



Boz Boorer: Shall I start?

Morrissey: Please do, Boz. We're all ears.

*Boz puts on his glasses and puts his right index finger on the ipad, to follow the words as he reads. He then reads the article, very slowly and in a monotone voice, just as a primary school child does when first learning to read*


Boz Boorer: "I finished it last week. I read the book very slowly to get the rhythms right. It took me seven days, a bit more than the alloted time, but it was important to get the tone right. I'm such a big fan, it's a fascinating read. It's brilliantly written, and there are passages that are hilariously funny - that I loved reading."

*There is a pause*

Broken: Is that it?

Boz Boorer: Yes.

Morrissey: Boz, who is the author of this review?

*Boz looks down at the ipad*

Boz Boorer: Er, oh, that's a coincidence, his name's David Morrissey.

*Four heads simultaneously thud onto the table*

9 comments:

  1. Excellent stuff, Rat! Your writing really makes the characters come to live. A perfect start to a dreary, grey Saturday morning...

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  2. Keep going old son, keep going.. manc

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  3. A pot of tea accompanied by a TRB parody is a great way to begin the weekend.

    A cracking read Rats.Lovely pics of Moz too.
    Warm wishes & a happy weekend to you all at BRS x

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  4. It is almost as if you had the room bugged, Rat old son :-D
    Many thanks for another witty parody piece.
    I too, love the 1st and 4th pix of Moz.
    Wishing my BRS friends a happy and fun weekend.

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  5. Very funny dear Rat, but poor Damon
    , could Morrissey be so severe with him? Have a nice week end, you and all the Blue Rose Society!

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  6. Hey Rats,
    Thanks for treating us to another enormously funny and witty parody post, looking forward to volume IV!
    A happy weekend to all!

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  7. This may be your best parody to date – very topical. Excellent use of the recent ‘Autobiography’ book reviews.
    Also like the David Morrissey picture with the Anthony Gormley sculpture and the red roses – nice find.

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  8. Hello Rat, just re-reading form page 216 of the BOOK:" My leap into multi instrumentalism equals Johnny's skydive into a song....he insists he cannot sing" I think if all the people who constantly implore a renunion will read with attention this very important page of the book finally could understand the real reason of the end of the Smiths and will stop to asking for something unreasonable. Johnny cannot sing with Morrissey, but can sing by now without Morrissey and, maybe, because Morrissey softly teased him, like a friendly exortation, with Daddy's voice. So case closed, with the final stone by drummer Joyce. Sorry if I annoyed you, have a nice day!

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