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Friday, 13 December 2013

Following The Mozziah - The Pantomime Act 1 Scene 1 - In the dark


(A man staggers in the dark on a completely black stage, with just a spot light on him)

TRB: (Talking to audience) Where am I? How have I ended up here?

(A male, Irish voice comes from the dark)

LOUGHTON LIL: Hello, is anybody there?

(The man comes from the dark and joins the first man under the spotlight)

TRB: I thought I was alone. I'm The Rats Back, pleased to meet you. (The pair shake hands)

LOUGHTON: It's grand to meet you too, so it is. Me name's John, but in here I'd like to be known as Loughton Lil. Why are yee called The Rats Back?

TRB: It's because of my hunched, hairy back. People say it's like a rat's back. To make matters worse, I live in a bedsit on the Isle of Wight.

LOUGHTON: Jeesus, you got it bad. A typical Morrissey fan, well, a typical Smiths fan at least. Yes, I can see the hunch now you mention it. Fook me, yer loike Quasi frigging modo. Ne'er moind, it doesn't matter what you look loike in here.



TRB: And where exactly is "in here"?

LOUGHTON: Well the soigns I was following said it was MorrisseysWorld.

TRB: Well the signs I saw, were showing MorrisseysWorld to be in the other direction, but something told me to ignore them, and take the opposite route.

LOUGHTON: Aye, they were the same soigns I saw, but I just presumed some fooker had turned them around. That happens a lot from where I come from. Bastards. Anyway, do you think he might be here then? Morrissey, I mean.

TRB: Well, I think so, but it's so dark in here, how are we ever going to find our way, and are we the only two to be following the Mozziah?

LOUGHTON: "Following the Mozziah". I loike that.

(There is a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning, and a skinny man in a pair of jack boots, braces and a cape appears from nowhere) (The audience boo)

SKINNY: (Booming voice) You fools, you bell ended, cretinous fools. Those sign posts hadn't been tampered with, they were purposely pointing the other way. There is nothing worth seeing here. Turn back now, before it is too late.

(There is another flash and crash and Skinny disappears)

(TRB is just about to talk to Loughton when there is yet another crash and flash, and Skinny returns.) (The audience boo)

SKINNY: Did I mention that you are bell ends?

LOUGHTON: Yes, yes you did.

SKINNY: That's alright then.

(There is another flash and crash, and he is gone again)


LOUGHTON: What are you doing on the floor Rats? Get up.

TRB: I was, er, I was just looking for a contact lens. (starts to get up) He was scary wasn't he? So much anger. Do you think he's right, do you think we've misread the signs?

LOUGHTON: Oi've no idea, but now that we're here, we may as well see what we can see. What was it you said, 'Following the Mozziah'.

(Music starts up. Loughton Lil and TRB link arms and skip around the stage in a particularly mincing style, whilst singing the song 'Following the Mozziah')

LOUGHTON & TRB: (Singing)

We were surfing on our laptops
There was nothing much ado
When we stumbled on a Mozzer site
Entitled True To You

We read the three denials
But thought something weren't quite right
So we probed a little further
And now we've taken flight...


We're Following the Mozziah
Following the Mozziah
Things could be a whole lot worse
It could be Alagiah

We're Following the Mozziah
Following the Mozziah
And if it isn't him we've found
Then some cunt's a good liar

(The song finishes)

LOUGHTON: I can hear a noise coming from just over there (points to stage left).

TRB: It sounds like voices, and I think I can hear music. If I close my eyes (TRB closes his eyes), I can see a pub.

LOUGHTON: Yes, so can I. (closes his eyes) It's a traditional English pub. Can you make out the name? Close your eyes real tight, it will make it clearer.

TRB: (squeezes eyes tighter shut) Yes, it's all becoming very clear, it's called The Twitterdilly Arms.

 (A pub suddenly appears at the side of the stage)

LOUGHTON: Come on, let's head inside, it would appear that we aren't alone in this here, MorrisseysWorld.

(Music starts up again, Loughton & TRB link arms, and skip towards the pub, singing)


We're Following the Mozziah
Following the Mozziah
Things could be a whole lot worse
It could be Alagiah

We're Following the Mozziah
Following the Mozziah
And if it isn't him we've found
Then some cunt's a good liar

(The curtain falls and some of the audience throw roses. TRB pokes his head through the curtains)

TRB: Not yet you fools, the roses come at the end.

Act 1 - Scene 2 

The setting is inside The Twitterdilly Arms

Shall I continue?


  1. Ha! Rats as the Dame and JG as the principal boy. Do please carry on.

  2. Very funny Rats and I like the inclusion of the Twit Arms in your panto.
    Yes please continue the tale.

  3. Off to a great start Rats, please don't keep us hanging.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I dont see why not.. Manc

  6. liking it so far please continue

  7. Sure, that's great stuff ratty me boy. Lets move on to the next scene.

  8. Yes!

    PS: Excuse my confusion, but who was alone in a bedsit with a hairy back first? TRB or Broken? I've got a bad memory.

  9. More please! Love JG's accent by the way! :)

  10. Of course you have to continue! :-)!


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