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Monday, 17 February 2014

Day 887 - Bizzle Mozzle

Our Mozzer made a return to the Twitterdilly Arms yesterday, and light has been shed on the hiring of Sir Cliff Richard. Here are the Twitter highlights:

"Though the dreadful drummer will try to steal my earnings, British dates will follow"
@GorillePere: "Could you please let us know when Uk concert dates will be?"
Moz: "Late 2014. Christmas with Morr-ee-say."




"I was ignored by everyone but family and a handful of fellow travellers until I joined the Smiths."
"Until I joined the Smiths I had a medical disorder."



"Boredom is a plague"
"My fingernails collect the world's problems"
"Same old bed"
"Father, son and holy c***"
"A danger to self and others"
"Paddington stare"
"The bus just left"
"Reliable butcher"
"The politician who cried"
"Corner shop anguish on Tuesday"
"Teenage star, too many tattooes" (I do hope this isn't a song title. The misspelling of tattoos could cause another 'Everyday is like Sunday' dilemma)

"All my wit is expired. This must be my final day on Twitter. Otherwise I shall turn into @stephenfry"
"I've just bought a new Aston Martin."




"What has Justin done now?"


BIZZLE

Me: "I think Moz should become Mizzle... or Mozzle. Yes. Mozzle, defo Mozzle."
Moz: "Two crosses, sagging pants, epicurean tastes, from da ghetto of Stretford - Mozzle."


MOZZLE


@tabootlb: "So how did the recording of your new album go?"
Moz: "It's my finest album. The songs are powerful, driven. The words are concise, but more poetic. The drumming is heroic."

Heather: "Care to shed any light on the choice of the support act that has startled the world?"
Moz: "It's a shameless publicity stunt... for Sirs Cliff and Tom."

And on the subject of Sir Cliff, this was posted on FTM yesterday morning::
Broken16 February 2014 09:20
Heather is right that Sir Cliff was mentioned in MW. Ironically, it was mentioned in the context of singing live with a Sir Cliff t-shirt in the front row; Our Mozzer said, with his fans nodding off and popping out for a pee during YOR songs, it was only a matter of time before a Sir Cliff t-shirt appears in the front row!

How amusing this will be one day.

I have tried to find the MorrisseysWorld article that Broken was referring to, but I only ever saved a few of the parody pieces, and I cannot find the one that mentions Sir Cliff. However, whilst I was searching, I came across this beauty, which originally appeared on the MorrisseysWorld blog on Christmas Eve 2009. It is so good, I felt compared to share it. Copyright belongs to an unknown hairy backed blogger:

THURSDAY, 24 DECEMBER 2009


My Live Tour Journal 2009





Feb 28th - Mar 5th 2009

Had a Wildean time between the sheets reviewing old live footage from the Oye Esteban Tour and catching up on '24.' The bast**d fax kept lighting up as the c*** from my management team sought to determine whether I was 'good to go' (to Florida). Can't they leave me in peace? I f***ing told them Florida had no decent veggie restaurants and NOT to book the shows. But did they listen? Did they f***. It was like the Isle of Wight all over again. I should sue the b*****ds for compo.

Mar 6th 2009

Crawled out of bed. Wished I hadn't. Things were going so well until I got to the venue in Myrtle Beach. Wonderful food, handsome people and surprisingly good boutiques. Shamefully, the venue wasn't equipped with a 52" plasma screen with built-in DVD player. Hence, I couldn't play my Diana Dors footage and warm up the 'instrument.' I may as well have left the DVD behind. I can't believed I dragged it all this way for nothing. To add insult to injury, some of the fans in the front row clearly couldn't sing and one of them gave me a bit of a cold. By 'This Charming Man,' my nose was blocked. By 'Life is a Pigsty,' my nose had emptied into my throat. "Yer bas****s," I thought to myself as they flailed around in the ever-changing ocean of people, clearly not comprehending either how sick I was... or that they were - at least in part - responsible.

Mar 7-Mar 9th 2009

B**ger them.

Mar 11th - Mar 22nd

My stocks are up. Purchased some Gucci thermal underwear. No more need for central heating - a bit more in the piggy bank for Christmas. Played a few live shows.

Mar 23rd

I Played again on American television, where - at least - I am fully appreciated. I played that one from my latest album that sounds a bit like 'Swallow On My Neck.' Forgot the name now. Cracked open a bottle of sauce to celebrate an anticipated 0.9% sales boom in the US market, following on from 'Fallon.' Well, the bottle has more than paid for itself.

Mar 25th - April 16th

You should try Flacos. Well you did, actually, obviously. Anyway, you know what I mean. Had it flown in every night of the tour. Bloody delicious. Plenty of sour cream. And the Jalapenos! - to die for, truly. Also negotiated a wage cut for the sound man and lighting bod. Honestly, you wouldn't believe the overheads on this tour. I feel like I'm a registered charity at times. Also played a few shows.

Apr 17th 2009

There is nothing more distressing than the smell of cooking meat. Unbelievably, they didn't shut down all the meat vendors at Coachella in preparation for my arrival for an 'appearance.' Having the aroma of burning animal flesh entering my nostrils reminded me of the cold a fan thoughtlessly gave me earlier last month. (I feel like advertising on my posters: NB If you have a cold - please stay at home and watch me online. I have only two nostrils and I cannot afford to lose one of them.)

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the gig was a catastrophe. I think I'll cancel tomorrow.

Apr 18th 2009

I contacted my private physician, who informs me it's perfectly possible to have acute lung injury induced through the inhalation of smoke from burning meat. Had a bit of a cough, so I cancelled the show. Still, it was only Oakland and there's bu**er all there in terms of decent veggie food anyway.

Apr 27th

SG & M performed abysmally in the charts (27.4 release), despite the addition of extra tracks. Do you think I could get away with a badge or poster for the re-release of KU? **** please return to this thought in 2010.

Apr 28th-July 22nd 2009

Managed to get to work almost every day. I only cancelled 9 shows. That's less than 20% of my live shows. But, of course, the press aren't content. The NHS functions with a sickness rate well above 20% on bank holidays. Do you see the press moaning about the f***ing NHS? No. No. No. Oh, but I'm different. I'm Morrissey so I deserve to be treated this way, naturally. They have the right to attack me - and indeed they must - simply because I'm famous. Anyway, I'm feeling fighting fit.

Notes: heckler ruined J's night on 16.5. Note to self: No more gigs at Cambridge Corn Exchange. Mind you, Boz leapt to my defence and shouted a bit at the offending fan in support of my anti-intolerance stance. The intolerance I - and my friends - face at my gigs is frankly outrageous. You just can't find the fans these days. Note to self: Consider Boz for a pay-rise in 2010. Note to self: Consider paying for this by hiring a cheaper drummer. ***** return to this thought in 2010.

22nd July - tonight I paid tribute to J C De Menzies. Like myself, he was assassinated by the British. RIP, dear friend.

13th Sep 2009

On holiday but broke my holiday off briefly to issue a statement about the vile lies Rourke continues to promulgate about his alleged sacking from the Smiths. He's a right cu**. This story about placing a postcard under his windscreen wipers (plural) takes the biscuit. Especially since his Austin Allegro only had one. But, of course, they don't have the wit to consider that, do they? Ba****ds. I did, however, because of the song, 'King Leer' in which a man with only one knee goes down on it to propose. Who needs Columbo? I knew that lyric would come in handy, some day.

23 Oct 2009

It was nice to return to Birmingham, if only because it was not America. Still, I notice the ba****ds on so-low are at it again:

"Poor old Moz, could not hit the high notes, looked bored, and did not seem himself. Hope the rest of the tour isn't cancelled like in May."

signed - anon. I suspect Joyce. Note to self: hire a PI (do we call them that in blighty? Unsure. Note to self: find out what a PI is called in England and hire one) to establish the identity of so-lower who is ruining my good name.

24 Oct 2009

A man of my stature playing a venue called 'The Oasis Leisure Centre?' I think not. Anyway, according to 'TV Quick,' there's a good documentary tonight on 'natural animals.' I had a bit of a cough so I struggled to vocalise and ended up collapsing. Got a nice room in the local hospital, which certainly helped cut costs on this tour. Watched myself collapsing on the news. Dear God, that shirt looks awful. Note to self: consider 'Dear God that Shirt Looks Awful' as amusing song title for next album, in case I'm struggling. Nice post-modern connotations. ****return to this thought in 2010. Note to self: iron shirts for rest of tour (and tuck them in if poss.).
The hospital food was a nightmare. Thankfully, Boz delivered me some gourmet vegetarian cuisine after a taxi ride to London and back. 3 am - shared the food with Boz and played 'OXO' before retiring. I've beaten Boz 17 times in a row now. I hope he's not letting me win.

26 Oct 2009

I still have a cough. *coughs* Yep, I'll have to cancel Bournemouth.

Oct 27th - Nov 5th 2009

I notice the b*****ds from Morrissey so-low are continuing to whine about the set-list. They obviously haven't noticed that I've altered the set-list by an average of 0.5 songs every two days throughout this f***ing tour. Still, kewpie correctly noted Alexandra Palace was particularly good:

"One of the best gigs in 2009 (Score:3, Interesting)"

And - for once - the moderators got it right. I don't know why they're all moaning about my voice. All I have is a cough. That's what they told me in Swindon hospital anyway. Mind you, what do NHS doctors know? Note to self: make a private medical appointment to discuss recent collapse. In retrospect, I think the collapse might have been due to something I ate. I hope it wasn't a stroke or sleep apnoea or something terribly serious like that. I note Wikipedia says you snore with sleep apnoea, which I do. You get a headache, which I do. You may get ankle swelling. Well, that I'm not sure about but I'll pay closer attention over the coming months. You might collapse and die. Well, I almost did. The announcer at the Oasis Leisure Centre said it himself, as I noticed when I reviewed the clips of my collapse on YouTube through a mobile link-up in my privae hospital room. "He's seriously ill," he said, with a certain gravitas. He's probably got a first aid diploma and all that so I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. Honestly, these NHS doctors. Note to self: visit private physician and get checked out for sleep apnoea.

Nov 7th 2009

It was all going so well until some plonker assaulted me with a cup of beer. It could have been glass and then what? Where would I be with one eye? A one eyed pop icon? If he'd done it during 'This Charming Man' or one of the other Smiths songs, fair enough - but this was during the one from my latest masterpiece that sounds a bit like 'Swallow On My Neck.' Do some people have no taste? I thought to myself, 'It would look silly to finish the song and then storm off stage...' I reflected, 'It just wouldn't look right...' so instead I stormed off immediately without finishing the song. The effect was suitably dramatic. There was a theatre about it all. It got on the TV news and everything. That has to be worth a few album sales. Incidentally, I keep forgetting the title of that bloody song I was in the middle of conveying. Where's my 'Years of Refusal' CD? It'll be on the back of that, I would imagine. It should be in my bum bag... It's not! Jesse must have borrowed it again. Honestly. You'd think he could afford his own copy given the salary I'm paying him. On a more positive note, I got back to the hotel in time to catch Top Gear on cable. Woke myself up snoring during 'Emmerdale.' It was recorded so I didn't miss any of it, you'll be glad to know! Note to self: remember to consult private physician Re: snoring/sleep apnoea. Oh dear, I hope I'm not dying. Incidentally, my record contract ended a few days ago. Consider signing on for NI stamp purposes.

Nov 9th - Dec 11th 2009

Bought some new shirts and jeans. Played a few shows. Uneventful really, except for Indio, which I cancelled and Hamburg, where a fan verbally assaulted me. I suspect it was Joyce dressed as a Kraut. But I didn't say so at the time.

Dec 11th Dec 23rd 2009

Time for a well-earned rest. I will submit a letter to TTY though. I think it's important to remind the fans I don't have a record deal anymore. Wonder what's on tele over Christmas? Sank into the jacuzzi with a flute of 'Bolly' and The Dolls on my home entertainment system. This is the life.

Dec 24th 2009

I see the social misfits of Morrissey so-low have spent their Christmas Eve on that ghastly site. So far I have counted four hundred and thirty seven separate posts about me. Honestly, you'd think they'd have better things to do... I notice from accidentally perusing the site that Lady Gaga has nominated my little, old thing as her 'album of the year.' Lady Gaga always was an astute judge of a pop record, as I've always maintained. Now there's a man with things to do on a Christmas Eve other than linger on a Morrissey website.
POSTED BY MORRISSEY AT 22:00

That will do for today, although I must make mention of a new wine that is coming to the market in March, and NO, it is NOT a joke:


BOZ BOORER WINE - DESCRIBED AS "SUPERDELICIOUS" AND SELECTED PERSONALLY BY LYN AND BOZ. AVAILABLE IN MARCH FROM ROCKABILLY WINEMAKERS @ROCKABILLYWEINK

Now, is it my imagination, or did either Our Mozzer or Broken send a tweet recently to @Boz_Boorer asking him to bring wine? Or perhaps it was cheese!

7 comments:

  1. not true, Florida has Sweet Tomatoes' just a café really, but a good one.. Boz and wine, I can see that going the same way as Trafford United wine.. he does not do himself any favours, he is hardly a wine connoisseur, always seen with an almost empty pint glass in hand..

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  2. thanks for including the tour diary rat.
    love that young moz pic (along with the hair 'swept to side one)
    Bizzle Mozzle ... so perfect!!
    definitely needs to go on the back of a (the) BRS t shirt!
    agreed everyone?!

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  3. Our Mozzer also tweeted something having to do with grapes and Boz a few weeks ago, which may or may not be related to the wine. Very funny Christmas pic - Happy Xmoz to the UK!

    Thanks to Broken for confirming that I wasn't losing my mind in remembering a Cliff reference. I fear that I may have partially lost my mind however, because I have no recollection of the piece that Broken mentioned. At least GWO remembers it, so we know that it did actually exist. The thought of Moz singing to an audience clad in Sir Cliff t-shirts is very funny indeed.

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  4. Thanks for the updates Rats, unfortunately the gloom of real world is consuming my time at present.
    If you are around sorry I missed you Our Mozzer & I hope to see you back soon.

    Maybe Moz will treat us in the West country & visit Brizzle at Christmas.

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  5. Can imagine Moz buying an Aston Martin, cool enough for him, but a Mercedies Gulwing 1957, dark blue with white leather interior would be even more ideal.

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  6. Ratz, I am not on Twitz, so although I read your timeline (it is interesting) I can never comment, but I enjoy it as I do your Blog. Sorry you lost all your music, but I like new beginnings ha ha. I wish I knew if the REAL Morrissey was on Twitz I would consider signing up but alas I have not the time to waste on imposters ha ha. I read his book for the second time and today I read how he described Hookend Manor. It made me cry, it was so beautiful! Anyway I digress. Keep the blog going as I have only just stumbled across it and enjoy it. Would put my name but not on facebook and all other options seem so technical, so Anon it is. All the best Ratz X

    ReplyDelete

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