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Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Day 903 - Ping Pong (A Parody - Part 1)

(The scene is the Twitterdilly Arms, the Blue Rose Society's drinking hole of choice. The pub is heaving with BRS members. There is a stage at one end of the pub, and chairs have been set out to face the stage. MancLad and EARS are behind the bar. It is present day.)


MANCLAD AND EARS

EARS: (to Manc) It's never been so busy in here, Manc. What do you think tonight's meeting is all about, and why has every member of the Blue Rose Society been asked to attend?

(Manc looks around to make sure nobody is listening)

MANC: (to Ears) Well, I shouldn't really say, but word on the street is that somebody is in deep shit, and from what I've been told.... no, I'd better not say.

EARS: Oh, go on. You can trust me.

MANC: Ok, but you must promise not to breathe a word to anybody.

EARS: I promise.

MANC: Well, apparently the boss is on his way, and he's got.... (pauses and looks around again to double check that nobody can hear)... Mam with him!

EARS: MAM?

MANC: Ssh. I've probably said too much. Remember, not a word.

EARS: (In hushed voice) If Mam's coming, it must be a Bans meeting, but if that's the case, how come every member of the BRS has been asked to attend, it's usually just the inner circle who sit on that committee.

MANC: As I said, somebody is for the high jump. I don't think it's just a ban, I think it might be a public flogging!

(Rat struts up to the bar, chest puffed out)


RAT

RAT: (slightly slurring) Good evening Ears, good evening Manc. I'll have another glass of Bolly please, and then I'd better get everybody seated.

(Clover Dean sees Rat at the bar and approaches him)

CLOVER DEAN: Rat, let me get that drink for you, it's the least I can do for all the work you've put in on the blog and with the BRS.

RAT: Oh, it's nothing, honestly. Anyway, Vulgar Angie's paying for this drink, so I can't accept your kind offer, although actually, why don't I just get a whole bottle to save you and Vulgar money? (Before Clover can answer, Rat turns to Manclad) Make that a bottle of Bolly please Manc, Clover here will sort out payment. (Manclad looks at EARS and tuts, before handing Rat a bottle of Bolly)

EARS: What's going on tonight, Rat? Why are the whole of the BRS here for a Bans meeting?

RAT: (laughing) Bans meeting? Who told you it was a Bans meeting? It's just a visit from Our Mozzer, not a Bans meeting.

EARS: Then why were we instructed to set out all the chairs to face the stage?

RAT: Perhaps he's going to come and sing us some of his new songs. It wouldn't surprise me, you know. Moz LOVES the BRS! Perhaps it's going to be a question and answer session. Maybe he'll do a little stand-up routine and throw us some of his mesmerising one-liners...... Bans meeting indeed. There's nobody who needs banning, ever since 'Gob-Gate' we've all been getting on like a house on fire. Hardly a day goes by without this place rocking with music. Fifi and Astraea are in here all the time, and I have to say, that since me and Moz became best mates, life is pretty good. (Rat raises his voice to address the whole pub, and waves his champagne bottle in the air) Did you all hear that, Morrissey emails me, we're mates now, you know! (Rat turns to Jjazzy, who is now at the bar) He emails me you know, Jaz. We really are mates. (Rat stumbles slightly). I'm the new Johnny Marr.

JAZ: Yeah, you are lucky, Rat.

(Sat in a row of seats facing the stage are a small cluster of BRS members, who include; GWO, Heather, Kelly the Crisp, Bunny Gal, Stephanie, Mme de Staƫl Ghost, Willow and Loughton Lil. They have all heard Rat's bragging. GWO raises her eye brows to the skies and tuts).

GWO AND WILLOW

LOUGHTON LIL: Why the tut, GWO?

GWO: (gesturing towards Rat) I think a certain somebody over there has not only had too much to drink, but has perhaps gotten a little too big for his little furry boots. I have a feeling in me waters that there is one mighty fall on it's way.

LOUGHTON LIL: What, you mean Mark E Smith's coming? (Everybody laughs)

HEATHER: GWO, you sound like log Lady to me. What do you think's going to happen?

GWO: Let's wait and see, but Manclad told me something earlier, that I'm not allowed to repeat, that makes me believe tonight might not be a case of just a casual visit from His Mozship.

LOUGHTON: Hmm, you may be right. Manc has whispered a little something to me too. I'm sworn to secrecy as well, but (Loughton looks around to make sure nobody near the little gathering can hear, and then lowers his voice) Manc said that Mam is coming.

HEATHER:  Yes, he told me that too.

WILLOW: And me.

KELLY: And me.

MME STAEL GHOST: And me.

BUNNY GAL: I'm new around here, and have no idea who either Manclad or Mam are, but the guy behind the bar told me that she was on her way too!

(Everybody laughs)

WILLOW: Shall I put the jukebox on? How about some Billy Fury?

GWO: Fury? That might be quite apt.

(Just then, the doors swing open, and in walk two men and a woman. One of the men is the former novelist, and close friend of Morrissey, Mr Michael 'Mikey' Bracewell. The other man is Morrissey's long-time musical director, Mr Martin 'Boz' Boorer. Between the two men, is Morrissey's mother, Ms Betty Dwyer.

Boorer and Bracewell walk Mam towards the front row of chairs. As Loughton Lil sees them approaching, he immediately scampers to find Mam's own comfy armchair, that is kept in the Twitterdilly Arms just for her. Lil finds the chair and positions it at the very centre of the front row. Boorer and Bracewell ease Mam into her armchair.)

BOZ: Right, I'll go and get the drinks in. May I recommend the Boz Boorer white, Betty? It's delicately crisp, with a subtle kiss.













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DELICATELY CRISP

MAM: (In an Irish accent) Not for me thanks, Mortin. I don't think my stomach's quite up to your home brew. I'll have a small stout please love, and a packet of Cheese and Onion.

BOZ: Michael? Can I tempt you with my white wine?

MIKEY: No thanks, Boz, I think I'll stick to my usual. An old malt cask if you please.

(As Boz heads to the bar, the jukebox starts to fade down, the house lights are dimmed, and a buzz fills the room. A chant starts to go up.)

ALL: MORR-EE-SAY, MORR-EE-SAY, MORR-EE-SAY, MORR-EE-SAY, MORR-EE-SAY, MORR-EE-SAAAAAY.

KIRKY: (speaking to Father Brian) It gives me chills every time.

FATHER B: We don't get this in the States.

(The doors fling open, and in walks Morrissey, flanked by a women and a man)


RAT: (Shouting) Morrissey's here everybody, take your seats please.

(Everybody ignores Rat, but surge towards the stage as Morrissey leaps upon it, along with his two companions.)

HEATHER: (to Loughton, EARS (who has joined the group) GWO, Willow etc) Oh wonderful, he's got Fifi and Broken with him.





STEPHANIE: Heather, I'm fairly new around here, so please forgive me if I'm being a little slow, but I thought that Broken and Fifi were both Moz?

HEATHER: That's right, they are.

STEPHANIE: Then how come-

COMRADE HARPS: - Allow me to explain. Stephanie, just close your eyes and everything will become much clearer.

(Stephanie closes her eyes)

STEPHANIE: Ah, yes. That's better. I can see everything perfectly clearly now.





WILLOW: How lovely to see Fifi here. (Willow waves to Fifi, who waves back)

LOUGHTON LIL: I'll agree with you that it's wonderful to see Fifi, but if Broken's here, we can expect trouble.

(Rat makes his way to the front and tries to get Morrissey's attention, but Moz ignores him and leans down to speak to Mikey Bracewell.)

MOZ: Do you know, Michael, I can't decide if that Rat boy is Pike or Jones.

MIKEY: More like Godfrey if you ask me. He doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

MOZ: Hmm, quite so Mikey, quite so.

(Morrissey stands at the front of the stage, and addresses his audience)





MOZ: Thank you all for coming, and thank you for being you, I once again apologise for me being me. I am afraid that I come tonight with my black cloud glued tightly to my chest. Tonight is, unfortunately, just like any other night; in that it is full of disappointment and despair. I had hoped that this little hidden internet pub of yours was perhaps to be my safety haven. A place where I could come and be me. A place where Fifi could come and kick off her heels, move her hips, and shake her hair. I thought this might be a place where Broken could find intellect and wit, and discuss the topic of the day, along with all things Bieber, but it seems I was wrong.

(A moan goes up from the audience)

RAT: (Shouting) We all love you Moz.

MOZ: Ah, Rat. Rat, Rat, Rat. Excitable Rat. I thank you for your love, but it is just a word. Unfortunately, Rat, it is YOU who has caused me to doubt this place.

GWO: (Whispering to her small group) I told you.

(Rat looks stunned)

MOZ: Rat, I had grown quite fond of you and your strange little blog. You have at times brought a smile to these cracked old lips of mine, which is no mean feat, but on day eight hundred and ninety eight of your online crusade, you ruined all your good work. Rat, you saw fit to write an article based purely around your findings of an anonymous posting on.... (Pauses. Looks to the floor, and then to the skies).... Solow. (Wipes his mouth).

(There are gasps from the audience)

MME DE STAEL GHOST: (Whispering to Heather and the gang) I didn't see that article, it isn't there now. What was it about?

(Moz has overheard Mme de Stael Ghost)

MOZ: Let me tell you what it was about, Madame. Rat saw fit to criticise... (Moz again looks at the floor and the sky, and looks in pain. He bites his bottom lip.)... Rat, saw fit to criticise........ Johnny Marr!

(The room falls silent. Both Mikey Bracewell and Boz Boorer are seen to tighten their faces, as though tasting something sharp. Mam, who has been quietly knitting, stops.)

MAM: Steven, WHO has criticised Johnny?

MOZ: Rat, Mam.

BROKEN: Cunt!

MAM: (tutting and looking at Broken) Now, there's no need for that sort of language. (Mam looks towards Rat) Rat, love, NOBODY criticises Johnny. Nobody.

RAT: But I-


MOZ: -Where's Boz?

BOZ: (Cruching on crisps and shouting) I'm here, Moz. At the bar.

MOZ: Well, can you forget your stomach for two minutes and switch the projector on. (Re-addressing the audience).
There has been an awful lot of presumption over the years about how I feel towards Johnny Marr, so I am going to ask Fifi to share one of her theories with YOU, the Blue Rose Society, about the relationship myself and Johnny have had since the break up of the Smiths. As most of you know, Fifi's theories are usually incredibly accurate, and her theory will tell things that I would certainly never say publicly, but as the words will be hers, and not mine, and as the words will be contained within a parody piece, on a two bit blog, written by a two bit rat, and as the words will actually be in part two of the parody piece, thus separating it from this page, then nobody will ever believe that these words could possibly be the words of Morrissey..... but if you listen and watch very carefully, then you might just learn the truth about Morrissey and Marr, and you will also learn some things that will ASTONISH you. (looks at Rat) And YOU, Rat, might learn not be so quick to jump to conclusions in the future, about things you know nothing about. I haven't finished with you yet, Rat, but for now, (re-addressing the audience), Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Fifi.

(What is this theory that Fifi is about to reveal? What IS the relationship between Morrissey and Marr really like? What punishment will be handed down to Rat? Why is this parody piece entitled Ping Pong? Tune in next time, for more made up bullshit from the hairy backed blogger)

18 comments:

  1. ::rolls eyes::
    *tuts*
    I saw this coming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too......knew the sh*t was going to hit the fan, Although Ratty would never do anything maliciously...do hope all is forgiven. We look pretty good in our photo though,don't we?

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  2. Not so lucky after all lol im kidding
    jj

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  3. Oh....Annie Walker!

    I anxiously await the conclusion to this with bated breath & a schooner of sherry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. never mind annie what about jack F*****G walker.. he died with the dinosaurs, poor heather wont even know who the walkers were.. but yes i hold my hands up, i am a bit of a gossip just ask @bucktoothedboy.. anyway i finally got £50 on Oasis getting back together odds only 6-1..

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  4. The photo of Fifi, Moz and Broken is a classic, even by FTM standards. Greatly looking forward to the great reveal.

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  5. I have to say, that's not quite how I pictured Fifi and Broken! Can't wait to witness the public flogging with a glass of Boz white in hand.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ooh cant wait for the flogging, can i wipe you down with a nice soothing cloth dripping in vinegar afterwards rat..

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  7. A few years ago, while looking for info related to Morrissey, I happened to chance upon the photo now labeled, Moz, Fifi and Broken. It was on a wonderful site called 'Morrissey's World', a site with info and lots of humor and I became hooked to it. A few months later, I found Mr. Ratty's blog and I began to follow it also. It has been fun, a wonderful adventure and a life changer. I had not realized just how much it had changed my thinking until last Sunday when I went to a Psychic Fair and read a sign on one of the booths. The sign said, in bold letters'Rat's Response' and my mind connected it to FTM. Upon reading more it was a report on how rats that are touched and stroked regularly, grew faster, were more fertile and less stressed. It was a booth pushing touch for healing. Luckily, I had not voiced what had sprung into my mind, although, I can not say for sure it wasn't Mr Ratty they had experimented on. Looking forward to part two of the parody and what is to be revealed.
    Fancy123

    ReplyDelete
  8. Elegance is a passed fantasy.

    One continues to read, to laugh, to soak up and soak in, to frown, and, more than anything else, to plot. This is MorrisseysWorld.

    M.

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    Replies
    1. Your back!

      Anne Illiterate

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    2. Always great to see Our Mozzer's back here, whether it's hairy, waxed, or somewhere in between.

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    3. Go back to penning/recording more of your less than stellar lyrics being played by subpar musicians.

      Pittsburgh is glad you are not coming--we don't want any pathetic blue roses.

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    4. Hey Anonymous, GO TO HELL. I'm from near Pittsburgh and was at Moz's last show here, You DO NOT REPRESENT Pittsburgh. It was a wonderful evening and the sold out crowd at Heinz Hall was supremely happy with the event. Although I am sad that Pittsburgh is not on Moz's upcoming tour, I am very happy for the fans who will get to see him.

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  9. Its good to hear from you Our Mozzer! ♥
    Yes this place is tricky but we maintain.

    ReplyDelete

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