(There is a loud round of applause from the audience and some whooping)
FIFI: (tossing back her hair) You are too kind. (to Boz) Can you turn the projector on please Boz, sweetie.
(Boz goes over to a projector and turns it on. A picture of Michael Craig, Claudia Cardinale and Jean Sorel from the Visconti film 'Sandra' appears on a large screen behind Fifi.)
FIFI: Boz, this is the wrong picture, please move on with the slides.
(Boz presses a button and another picture of Cardinale appears. Boz presses again, and a picture appears on the screen of Visconti, Cardinale and Sorel at the premiere of 'Sandra'.)
(Boz presses the button once more, and a blurry picture of Morrissey wearing a 'FUCK MORRISSEY-SOLO.COM' t-shirt appears.)
FIFI: That's better. I hope you can all see that? Now, although the image is blurry, the message is pretty clear. Over the years, a lot of 'common knowledge' has been posted on that website about Morrissey and Marr, but common knowledge is NOT always the truth. It is much easier for people to assume, convince themselves, and believe that war is still raging between Moz and Marr, but I can assure you all, that there is no truth to that.
ROMINA: (Whispering to Loughton Lil) I am believing this Filfy. I don't belief that they are at war.
FIFI: There has been a tremendous amount of pain. (pauses). Pain on both sides. The kind of pain you never recover from. There has been disappointment, there have been tears, a lot of arguments, a lot of accusations. Yes.
MAM: (Whispering to Mikey Bracewell) God, (crosses herself), I remember those tears. Horrible times. Horrible, horrible times.
MIKEY: (Whispering back) Yes, and all of those dark, dark days throughout the years since. It never really goes away, although he's been so much better lately, which is all the more reason why we don't need that Rat creature dragging it up again, especially with the new album being made.
BROKEN: (Leaning over to Bracewell and whispering) Yeah, cunt!
MAM AND BRACEWELL
FIFI: Now let's watch a video. Boz, if you would do the honours please. (Boz flicks a switch, and a video of Johnny Marr being interviewed at the 2012 NME awards appears on the big screen- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APCFNXGgqm8. The video lasts for 3 minutes 35 seconds.)
GWO: (whispering to Fancy123 as the video starts) I've seen this before, it's the clip where Johnny says he'll reform the Smiths if the government steps down, and Johnny also says that he doesn't 'NOT' speak to Morrissey.
(The video finishes)
FIFI: Why does he say "I don't NOT speak to Morrissey? Surely a Marr-lie? No. This video is from 2012. They've NOT been NOT speaking since.... but is it really anyone's business? Would such information spark rumours about a Smiths reunion? Who would want that? No one in their right mind.
(A few of the audience look to the ground)
GWO: (Whispering to Fancy123) Well, I must be in somebody else's mind!
FANCY123: (Whispering back) I know what you mean. Perhaps I'm in yours and you're in mine. There's no harm in wanting to see a one night reunion, is there? Or perhaps just one little tour? There are so many of us who never got to see the Smiths play live.
FIFI: (continuing her address) People say, "Morrissey doesn't want to communicate". Yet another presumption. Morrissey does , but what you must all understand, is that it is STILL, and will probably always be, fairly painful, so communication in small amounts is the way to go if you want to protect yourself, isn't it? (pauses) Is it?
(The audience are quiet, but all nod. Rat looks across at Morrissey, who is sat quietly with his legs crossed, looking aimlessly towards the window. Moz has the Twit Arms resident cat, 'Pusscat' in his arms. There is perhaps the hint of a moist eye (Morrissey's eye, not the cat's!).
HEATHER: (Whispering to EARS) These words of Fifi' seem ever so real, Ears. I'm not convinced that we are just sat in the middle of one of Rat's made-up parodies, you know.
EARS: I know what you mean, and Moz's words at the end of part one of this parody, make me think that these aren't the first time these words have been said. Do you think we're getting to see the contents of one of Rat's emails?
HEATHER: Possibly, but if that's the case, we've got to try and work out what bits are real, and what bits Rat has made up. It's all a bit surreal as well, sitting in the middle of a parody piece, discussing it's contents as it's being written. Has anybody ever written anything like this before? We may have underestimated Rat, despite his poor spelling and grammar, this style of writing could well be a first!
BROKEN: (leaning over towards Heather and Ears and whispering) He's still a cunt!
FIFI: (continuing her address) Right then. I have given you some facts, and it is now time for my 'Ping pong theory'.
LOUGHTON LIL: (whispering to Comrade Harps) Ah, so that's why this parody is called Ping Pong.
FIFI: Rat was looking for references to ping pong when he discovered the Solow thread that led him to write his filth of day eight hundred and ninety eight. Rat's need for war clues took him straight into the hands of the devil, and what was most upsetting was that Rat pictured Morrissey as the devil, hiding behind anonymous vile comments. Had Rat's views been different on Johnny, maybe day eight hundred and ninety eight might have looked like this kind of ping pong instead. (to Boz) Next slide please Boz.
(Boz presses a button, and a large photo of Morrissey's 'Kill Uncle' LP cover appears on the screen, which shows Morrissey with his arms spread out.)
FATHER BRIAN: (whispering to President Kyle) I love this album, son.
FIFI: Next slide please Boz.
(Boz puts down his pint of lager (having moved on from the 'Chateau de Boorer'), and presses his button. A large photo of Johnny Marr's 'Messenger' LP appears on the screen, which shows Johnny Marr with his arms spread out.)
EDGE: (Whispering to Harrison) Wow! I'd never noticed that before.
FIFI: Next slide please Boz.
(Boz clicks his clicker, and a picture of Morrissey with his back against a wall appears on the screen)
FIFI: Next please Boz.
(Boz clicks and a picture of Johnny Marr with his back against a wall appears on the screen)
FIFI: And the next one please Boz.
(Boz finishes putting some nuts into his mouth, wipes his hand on his jacket, and then presses the switch. A photo, well known to MorrisseysWorlders, of Morrissey making circles around his eyes appears.)
FIFI: Ping. I look out for you.
FIFI: Next slide please Boz.
(Boz picks a peanut up off the floor, that he has just dropped, inspects it, and then puts it into his mouth, before pressing the clicker thing. Two photos of Johnny Marr making circles around his eyes appears on the screen.)
FIFI: Double pong. You look out for me.
STILL.I.CLING: (to Rosy Mires) What's going on Rosy, what can you see?
ROSY MIRES: (with glee in her voice) A-ha. It's the proof I've been waiting for. That picture of Morrissey making those circles around his eyes was the one thing from the MorrisseysWorld blog that I could never explain, but if what that blonde woman in there is saying is right, then Moz was making the sign to Johnny, and NOT the Blue Rose lot. I knew it was all a load of made-up crap.
STILL.I.CLING: Oh, you are clever Rosy. Does that mean we can stop reading Rat's blog and peeking into the timeline's of the people in this internet pub? Can we let go now?
ROSY: Yes, I do believe we can.
CHUCK: But hold on, Rosy. You're getting your evidence from the place that you say is full of bullshit and lies. That's like Rat writing his Johnny Marr theory with evidence from Solow.
MARCUS: Hmm, Chuck's got a point, Rosy.
GOB: Rat's full of shit, full stop. Don't believe a word the arse-hole says.
CATHY: Well, I don't know what to believe. Best we all keep watching.
(The group re-position their faces to the window)
(Back inside the warmth of the Twit Arms)
FIFI: Next video please, Boz.
(Boz presses a button, and a video of You Have Killed Me by Morrissey starts to play on the screen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptUFfvTR294)
WILLOW: (to her group of friends) Oh, FAB!
FIFI: (with voice raised above the sound of the guitar intro) PING. Pay particular attention to these words:
'Til you came with the key
And you did your best but
As I live and breathe
You have killed meAnd there is no point saying this again
there is no point saying this again
But I forgive you, I forgive you
Always I do forgive you."
(The video plays, and the audience can't help but sing along. The video finishes.)
FIFI: Next video please, Boz.
(Boz puts down his 'grab-size' packet of Salt n Vinegar crisps, and presses the button. A video of 'New Town Velocity' by Johnny Marr starts to play on the screen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXEc9WZ1bkY)
ROMINA: (Whispering to Rat) Are you ok, Rat? This is a great song. You surely like this one?
RAT: Yes, I'm fine, thanks. And yes, I do like this song, I never said (pauses). Oh, it doesn't matter.
FIFI: (with voice raised above the guitar intro) PONG. Pay particular attention to these words:
Leave school for poetryI'm in something alright I know
Step out to symphonies
They play on for you and me
Hello you mystery
Here comes our poetry
New town velocity"
(The video plays and some of the audience play air guitars. The video finishes.)
HEATHER: (Whispering to Ears) These pings and pongs are incredible.
FIFI: The Pongs from Johnny have only recently appeared in the shape of songs on his first real solo album. There are many Pings in Morrissey's albums and, before "The Messenger", Marr's Pongs were in the shape of letters or photos, or anything he intended to use.
COMRADE HARPS: (Whispering to GWO) Wow! This is mind-blowing stuff. It's up there with the recent Cocteau stuff.
FIFI: Has anyone ever asked Morrissey's review on "The Messenger"? Do any of you know?
(There is no response from the audience)
FIFI: I don't think so. Am I wrong?
(Again there is no response from the audience)
FIFI: Let's go back for a second to the last video. Play it again, Boz.
(Boz places his cheese and onion baguette on the bar, and presses a knob. The 'New Town Velocity' video re-starts.)
FIFI: Actually, can you just pause it for a second please, Boz, darling. (Boz pauses the video) This video was a true Marr-style pong. Every image means something. The album Rank was mentioned a while ago by both Morrissey and Marr, and I told you it was personal. Well, let's just say that NTV's pong could be Rank's ping, but this is not straight forward, so let's forget it.
FIFI: Back to NTV video. Johnny has always been highly interested in codes and hidden messages. He still is, and this video is a great example of that. Upon it's release, I can only imagine Morrissey receiving a letter from Marr indicating the clues to look for. The clues cannot be obvious, not even a little, because the last thing Johnny wants is for people to find out about the code and reveal it, as it would make the whole world crumble. Surely. But perhaps a few hints won't hurt, especially as nobody will ever believe anything written in this ridiculous blog. Everything written here is a figment of Rat's very overactive imagination.... isn't it? (To Boz) Ok, Boz, run VT.
(Boz starts the video)
FIFI: At 0:15 and 0:44, you will see Johnny walk backwards, but why? Where is he trying to go back to? Weird. At 0:25 (pauses). No, forget that one, it's too personal. At 0:27, you will see Johnny on Claverham Walk. Is everything backwards now? I can't see. Oh never mind, Let me move on.
FIFI: Wait! Is that the bloody Cocteau star on the wall of the underpass at 0:56? Where are my glasses? Wait. Why has the light gone out? More light, please, I can't see! Oh.... no, it's not Cocteau's star.
A DARKENED UNDERPASS
FIFI: I fear this may be too much information for you all to take in, in one sitting, so let us adjourn to the bar, perhaps even play a few songs on the jukebox, and come back for Part 3 later.
(What more has Fifi got to tell us? What punishment will Rat receive for his criticism of Johnny Marr? Will there be any references to Monty Python's Life of Brian in this parody piece? Will we get to hear from the group outside the pub again? Tune in next time, for the final part of Ping Pong.)
NB. It has today been announced that Morrissey will be headlining at 'Summer in the City' in Manchester, this July, but until this parody thing concludes, it cannot be mentioned within this blog.