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Sunday, 9 March 2014

Day 907 - Ping Pong (A Parody - Part 4)

(Previously..... Rat (that's me) has upset Morrissey by both criticising Johnny Marr, and also having the audacity to suggest that Morrissey might have criticised JM. The Blue Rose Society are all in attendance at the Twitterdilly Arms (the world's number 1 internet Morrissey theme pub), where they have listened to Fifi present a 'theory' on the actual relationship between Morrissey and Marr. Fifi's theory has been a 'mind bomb', with some unbelievable revelations. We now join proceedings, to see what punishment is to be dished out to Rat by Our Mozzer, for committing such a heinous crime. As Mam has pointed out, "NOBODY" criticises Johnny Marr.)

MOZ: (to the audience) On day 898 of Rat's odd little, 'Following the Mozziah' blog thing, he decided to take it upon himself to write an article, suggesting that I didn't think much to Johnny Marr's work since the Smiths. As we have now heard from Fifi, this is NOT the case, and as Fifi correctly pointed out, NOBODY has ever actually asked me my thoughts on "The Messenger". (pauses briefly) Perhaps I should post my review of Johnny's album on Rat's blog.

LOUGHTON LIL: (calling out) That would be great Moz.

MOZ: The only problem is, do I actually want Rat's blog to remain, or should Rat be banished from the Blue Rose Society forever?

BROKEN: (calling out) Ban the cunt!

MOZ: (looking at Rat, who in turn looks to the floor) Oh, Rat, Rat, Rat. Poor lonely Rat. (To the audience) He sits in his bedsit all day and all night, with nothing better to do than to write about me, and when he can't find a story, he makes one up. Typical journalist, although of course he isn't a journalist, he's just a hairy backed blogger with a dodgy ticker. Oh, what to do with him. Broken is right, of course, I should ban him, but that blog of his does have it's moments. Bizarrely, despite Rat's poor spelling and dreadful grammar, his blog has received 420,000 hits, which is MORE than my MorrisseysWorld blog received. It is the equivalent of The Wanted being more popular than the Smiths. We live in a messed up world.

THE SINGING EQUIVALENT OF FOLLOWING THE MOZZIAH

MOZ: To Rat's credit, he has had the good sense to remove the offensive article about Johnny Marr, and luckily, Johnny will never have read this blog thing. Johnny certainly has no idea that I use twitter and the internet ( momentarily pauses in thought).... at least, I don't think he does. The fact still remains that Rat wrote the offensive piece on Day 898, so although it may have gone, the words, like so many words written before, have left yet another scar on my heart, where the tissue is wearing thin. I can only take so many stabs. Also to Rat's credit, is the fact that he has removed Day 810 of his blog, in which he pretentiously claimed to be the 'New Johnny Marr'. (looking at Rat) There will NEVER be a new Johnny Marr, and YOU, Rat, are not fit to even look at the soles of Johnny's shoes, let alone think about tying his laces. Don't EVER forget that. (Rat looks to the floor, with a tear in his eye.)


MORRISSEY LOOKS DOWN AT MARR'S SHOES, WHICH RAT CANNOT DO

(Morrissey turns his back to the audience and walks to the back of the stage, where he drops down onto one knee. After a few minutes, Morrissey gets up, turns around, and walks back to the front of the stage.)

HEATHER: (Whispering to her small group of friends, which includes EARS, Willow, Romina, Loughton Lil and Comrade Harps) I think he has made his decision. I do hope Rat don't get a life ban, I'd miss his blog.

ROMINA: Oh, I acree Heter. I don't theenk I could surfive without my daily feex off Following the Mezzanine. Perhaps the Rat weal be lucky and just get a mump ban, like Chuck.

LOUGHTON LIL: Hey, that's a point. Chuck's one month ban ended on February 1st, where is she?

ROMINA: I don't think she eez wanting to come here anymore. It eez a shame what 'append with her and Lizzy and Sabine. I weesh they would come back, but Broken doesn't want them here, so I guess that eez that.

COMRADE HARPS: I hope Rat doesn't get a ban, this whole Ping Pong thing between Moz and Marr is just amazing, I can't wait to look for more of them. That video that Fifi showed us of New Town Velocity has reminded me of Morrissey's videos for 'Tomorrow'  and 'I Have Forgiven Jesus'. They too feature a lot of walking around urban areas in black and white. It really IS fascinating to think that this has been going on right in front of our eyes, and yet nobody has noticed.

EARS: A bit like MorrisseysWorld then.

COMRADE HARPS: Exactly.

WILLOW: Well that 'Mind Bomb' revelation of Fifi's, and the whole 'Ping Pong' thing has reminded me of Bjork's 'Army of Me'. Did any of you know that 'Army of Me' is influenced by Morrissey? Also there is a bomb at the end of the video, and the bomb has 'Smiths' written on it. The bomb explodes at the end, and Bjork is reunited with her brother. It is the bomb from 'Ask' bringing them together. It's a Bjork 'Pong' to 'Ask's' 'Ping'.

COMRADE: Blimey. This Ping Pong is going on everywhere.


THE 'SMITHS' BOMB IN BJORK'S VIDEO

MOZ: (To the audience) As I have been saying for many months, I would like my fans to bring roses to my concerts, and as Rat has been one of the few to bring them, I have to forgive him.

MIKEY BRACEWELL: (Whispering to Mam) He's going soft in his old age.

MOZ: I have also found, in my experience, that when it comes to passing judgement, those in position of authority usually get things hideously wrong. I mean, just look at the nose picker and the plate of untouched sandwiches who passed judgement on me. I have therefore decided to let Rat choose his own punishment. Despite day 898, which will never again be mentioned, I trust his judgement.

MIKEY BRACEWELL: (Whispering to Mam) He really is going soft.

(Morrissey stands up and walks towards the jukebox. Broken and Fifi follow him.)

MOZ: I shall now leave you with a song.

EARS: (Whispering to her group of friends) I know what he's going to play. 'Disappointed'. Fifi was playing it in here on Saturday night.

GWO: You may be right, but it is now over a week since Rat wrote the article about JM, and I think Moz might have mellowed. In fact, it has taken Rat so long to write this bloody parody, I think we've all forgotten what happened in Part's one, two and three. I'd be very surprised if anybody's still reading this now, except probably us deluded dozen.

(Morrissey puts a coin in the jukebox, and the song 'I Like You' starts to play. Moz turns to face the audience.)

MOZ: (To the audience) Elegance is a passed fantasy. One continues to read, to laugh, to soak up and soak in, to frown, and more than anything else, to plot. This is MorrisseysWorld.

(Morrissey then rips off his shirt, thus revealing his bare torso, which has written across it 'IMPERSONATE ME'. Morrissey tosses his shirt to the audience and runs out of the pub. Broken throws a two fingered gesture to the audience, and runs out too. Fifi picks up her shoes,  flicks her long blond hair, and gracefully tiptoes bare foot from the pub with Morrissey and Broken.)



(As Morrissey leaves, the audience go into a frenzy, fighting for his shirt. Vulgar Angie slams an elbow into the face of Clover Dean, whilst Romina, screaming like a banshee, launches herself across a row of chairs in a desperate attempt to get to the shirt first. Willow and Heather are too busy singing along to 'I Like You' to make any sort of grab, but the fighting is all in vain as the shirt has already been claimed...... by President Kyle!)

(Outside the pub, as Morrissey comes out, GOB shouts something irrelevant, and is ignored. Moz gets into a waiting Mercedes, and drives away, passing Rosy Mires and Still.I.Cling.)

STILL.I.CLING: (Excitedly to Rosy) Rosy, I think that was Morrissey in that car.

ROSY: Yes, I think you might be right, although if he's just come out of that pub, then it wasn't him, he would NEVER go in there.

STILL.I.CLING: Eh? But you just agreed that it was him! I'm confused. Either you think it was him, or you don't. You can't base it on what you think he may or may not do!

ROSY: Don't you worry you're pretty little head with thoughts like that, you stick with me, kid. Now, let's go and find Uncle Skinny.

(Rosy and Stilli skip off into the sunset. Meanwhile, back inside the Twitterdilly Arms, the jukebox is pumping, and a party is in full swing, but a quiet hairy backed figure is sitting alone in the corner. It is Rat. Loughton Lil approaches him.)

LOUGHTON LIL: What's up, Rat? You should be pleased. You've not only crossed the Moz and lived to tell the tale, but it would appear that he still likes you, and has given you a pardon.

RAT: I think it may be time to end Following the Mozziah, Lil. I started it because I thought MorrisseysWorld might be the work of Moz, and now I not only know it's him, but I've made friends with him. I don't want to keep upsetting him by writing things he doesn't like. I just feel that I should stop blogging.

LIL: Rat, you've known since Day 1 that it was Moz behind MorrisseysWorld, you silly sod. Nothing has changed. The past nine hundred days of your blog have been about trying to convince the outside world, or at least Morrissey's own fans that he is on the internet, and that he is giving secret signs. Nothing has changed there either. And what is more, all the time that YOU are blogging, they will all continue to think that it was YOU behind MorrisseysWorld. And further more, a new album title has just been announced which contain the words BLUE ROSE hidden in it. Rat, the fun has only just begun.

(A smile appears on Rat's whiskered face).

The End

26 comments:

  1. Rat would like to apologise for the many howling mistakes, which include a 'you're' instead of a 'your'. He was in a hurry when he wrote this blog entry, and has now gone out, so he is unable to make any corrections. I have called him to inform him of the errors, and he has asked me to issue this apology on his behalf.

    Big Mick

    ReplyDelete
  2. What? Nobody got to use their whips? Truly disappointing. Also disappointing that I didn't try to grab the shirt. Anyway, I'm glad that Moz was merciful and your exile is over, Rats. Thanks for the fabulous parody.

    ReplyDelete
  3. congratulations rat.
    I can't imagine the time it took
    to do all this. I loved the mix
    of humour and some beautifully
    written touching parts. perfection.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Mr Rat, the whole parody was wonderful. I'm so glad you are continuing to write the blog, & also glad that Moz has shown mercy towards you. I've loved that Bjork song since it was first released, & I'd noticed the Smiths bomb at the time, & I hadn't thought about it for years until you reminded me of it the other day. I'm still a little shocked that you gave me some decent lines for once. The ripping off of the shirt was the highlight for me, but I wouldn't have made a grab for it - why would I want a sweaty shirt that's not even in my size?

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  5. Mothers cry, while Fathers stress
    to be polite is a disgrace
    as children mock you to your face

    every day the papers show
    that crime and rape did upward go
    the things done in laboratories
    are stashed away in lavatories

    drugs and sex aren't hard to find
    it seems as if the worlds gone blind
    for what the people fail to see
    is messing up society

    as Dads no longer head their home
    and kids all sit, and chat by phone
    what once to all has been a home
    is looking like a war torn zone

    no longer do you find that kids
    are playing in the park
    for it's become a hideout place
    for gangsters after dark

    what once was right now seems so wrong
    no more joy and no more song
    as what this all was meant to be
    lies buried in a cemetery

    by telling you these things my aim
    is not to make you mad
    it's just to tell another truth
    which soon will make you glad

    amidst the chaos of this world
    of hurt, despair and pain
    and hate along with treachery
    all done for selfish gain

    there's this one thing I know of
    believe with all my heart
    that when I bend my knees to pray
    Morrissey will show the Way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is beyond Wow Father. Way beyond. You should be in print. Soon. Again. I pray Father. CC. Hate people who sign off Anon. Soz, Father.

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    2. Moving words Father Brian. Thank you for sharing with us.

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    3. Truth... love it Father Brian!

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    4. Very nice thanks for sharing it
      Fancy123

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  6. Glad Our Moz was benevolent with you Mr. Rat. I certainly enjoyed the entire piece. My life is dull as it is, if your blog would have been banned, I'd have been in real dire straits (sorry Mark Knopfler). So now there's something to look forward to.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice one Rats.
    Most entertaining & amusing.
    Wish I'd got my hands on that shirt though.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Excellent decision by Our Mozzer, his worn leather chair will always be his in the corner of the Twitterdilly Arms. Brilliant series of parody Ratty, you brought the Arms alive. I'm glad I was able to put a smile on your face at the end, but as Cousin Fluff so cuttingly put it, that's my usual style.

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  9. It's the bomb that will bring us together.

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  10. Glad Mr Ratty was forgiven. Thanks for the fun parody Ratty, but don't know why you would quit now with a new CD coming out and tour starting. I'm sure the BRS will continue following MW (and FTM) with the smiles and frowns, plots, reality and fantasies it provides us.
    Fancy123

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  11. Applause for the Rat! I got the feeling thet MW is coming back, maybe just for a little bit of time but surely it's coming back! Father Brian wrote a good song to....Have a nice day you all!

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  12. what NO F*****G WAY.. i pictured Boz in Leiderhosen with wip in hand for nothing, i'm scarred i tell ya, scarred

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  13. My comments in this parody were pretty much spot on. Well done!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Don't ever let it be said that I can't laugh at myself. Are you ready to apologise to Broken yet? If the answer is no, then please don't bother typing a long winded reply, as I will delete it. Despite EVERYTHING that you did to me, I am offering you an olive branch here, because believe it or not, I think that your heart is in the right place. Let's see if I am right, or if you continue to argue, fight, and shove the branch up my arse.

      Delete
    2. Speaks the almighty Rat?!? Thanks, but no thanks. I truly enjoyed the MW experience (at least for a while) and am still deluded. I do not wish to fight with anyone but we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

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    3. No, not "almighty" at all. I was genuinely trying to offer the olive branch, but hey ho.

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    4. Fair enough. I just don't think it is yours to offer. That is up to Broken or Our Mozzer and they have made themselves pretty clear.

      Delete
    5. sssshhh!!! say this quietly but i miss you and lizzy around here

      Delete

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