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Friday, 7 March 2014

Day 905 - Ping Pong (A Parody - Part 3)

(The story so far. The Twitterdilly Arms is full of members of the Blue Rose Society. Rat, that's me, has overstepped the line by criticising Johnny 'fucking' Marr. Morrissey has told Rat he has overstepped the line. Fifi has started to give a Ping Pong theory about Morrissey and Marr's relationship, but has called for an adjournment to allow everybody to get a drink, and have a shimmy. Broken has taken the opportunity of the break to project a slide show of Justin Bieber pictures. Astraea has joined the gathering (fashionably late) and when Broken slips off to the loo (don't ask!), Astraea gives Boz some of her slides to project.)


(The members of the Blue Rose Society have broken off into little groups, and are discussing what they have seen and heard so far. Rat is sitting alone, in a corner. Loughton Lil approaches Rat.)

LOUGHTON LIL: Cheer up Rat, worse things happen in a MorrisseysWorld parody sketch. Here, I've bought you a pint.
(Rat smiles half-heartedly, and wipes an eye.)

RAT: Thanks Lil, I didn't mean to... (he pauses).... oh, never mind.

(Heather, Ears, Harrison, Comrade Harps, Manclad, GWO and Edge are standing in a group slightly away from the bar)

HARRISON: (excitedly, to the group) I just cannot believe what we have been hearing and seeing. If only the media knew about this place. The information that Fifi is giving us is just incredible!

HEATHER: (to the group) Well hold onto your hats, because I think there is even more to come. I was in the rest room a minute ago, and Fifi was in there, reapplying her lipstick. She asked me if I'd been listening to the re-issue of Your Arsenal, which I said I had. Fifi then smiled and said that after tonight, she thinks that we will all have 'Seasick, yet still docked' on repeat. She then said, "it's a mind bomb", winked at me, and then headed back to the dance floor.

EARS: Well she's not on the dance floor now, look!

( Ears points to a table, which Fifi is standing on (bare foot, of course), dancing to 'Down in Mexico' by The Coasters.


(Loughton Lil joins Heather's group)

COMRADE HARPS: (to the group) What has 'Seasick' got to do with Johnny Marr? I've just grabbed the pub's copy of 'Mozipedia' from behind the bar, and according to Simon Goddard, the song is based on Joni Mitchell's 'The Silky Veils of Ardour'. There is no mention of Johnny.

EDGE: But there is also no mention of Jean Cocteau under the 'Jeanne' entry, and yet Fifi's theory on that is much more likely than Goddard's, so we can't base that book on facts, can we!

(At this point, Romina and Bunny Gal approach the group. They are carrying a basket of goods.)


ROMINA: (In Italian accent.To the group) Would any off yew like to buy a weep?

LOUGHTON LIL: (Sounding confused) A weep?

ROMINA: Yes, a weep. To weep the Rat with, in the flogging.


ROMINA: Yes, this is what I am saying.

LOUGHTON LIL: We can't whip Rat!

MANCLAD: (to Romina) How much?

BUNNY GAL: The single strap is fifteen pounds, and the six lash whip is a hundred pounds.

MANCLAD: I'll take the six lash. No pain, no gain, as the old penguins used to say at my school.

GWO: I'll take the single strap please, Romina.

(Willow comes skipping over.)

WILLOW: Are you selling whips for the flogging?

ROMINA: That ease right.

WILLOW: Then I'll have one please. I'm looking forward to this.

HEATHER: Yes, me too, it should be a good one.... local boy.

(Boz has slipped outside for some fresh air)

PASSER BY: (to Boz) Excuse me, somebody told me that the Mozziah might be here. Is it true?

BOZ: No, mate. I'm Boz, if that helps, and there is a mess alright, but no Mozziah. Sorry.

PASSER BY: Never mind, thanks.

('So Little Time' by Diana Dors fades out from the jukebox, and the Dors lookalike, Fifi, stops dancing, and walks barefoot back to the stage to resume her theory. The members of the Blue Rose Society gather around to listen.)

LOUGHTON LIL: (Whispering to Heather) It's all very well Rat starting part three of this parody piece by suggesting that Fifi looks like Diana Dors, but ever since part two, I've been picturing her to look like Claudia Cardinale.

HEATHER: The beauty of this whole phenomenal journey is that you can picture anybody as anything, or anyone.

LOUGHTON LIL: Fair point, Heather. I wonder if anybody sees me as Clarke Gable?

(Heather looks away, and says nothing.)

FIFI: (Addressing the whole audience) Right then, where was I? Oh yes, 'New Town Velocity'. Can you start the video again please Boz?

(Boz places his pint glass on the bar, and re-starts the projector. The video for 'New Town Velocity' by Johnny Marr is projected onto a large screen at the back of the stage:

GWO: (shouting out) HEAVENS TO BETSY! L'OO'K at 0:42. PING PONG. Sorry, Fifi, forgetting my manners here a bit. I'd better play this one quietly with myself. Tiddly. Wink.

FIFI: (laughing) No, it's ok, GWO. We can share it with everybody, after all, we are all friends here. (calling to Boz) Pause the video for a minute please Boz, and please play the two slides that are behind the bar. (Boz collects two slides from behind the bar, and projects the first one; which is of Johnny Marr (from the 0:42 mark of the NTV video) sitting down.)

FIFI: (addressing the audience) Ping.

Embedded image permalink

(The second image then comes onto the screen. It is of Morrissey sitting in exactly the same pose.)

FIFI: Pong.

(There are gasps from the audience)

FIFI: Identical, aren't they? The 'exact' same pose. They could almost be twins. (calling to Boz) Re-start the video please Boz.

(Boz puts down the new bottle of 'Chateau Boorer' that he has opened, and re-starts the video of 'New Town Velocity')

FIFI: (to the audience) Look at that matrix style wall at 3:36. It smells rank.


HEATHER: (Whispering to Rat) Just what is it about Rank that we can't see?

RAT: I don't know. Despite everything that Moz has told me in those emails, he just won't tell me that, he says it's too personal between him and Johnny, but I think it might have something to do with New Town Velocity. He told me that what Johnny has done with this video, he finds highly entertaining. He also added that that there are few people in this world who can shake your brain as much as a code-writer does. Oh, Heather, I'm in deep shit here, I thought I was being Morrissey's friend by criticising Johnny's vocal on 'Meat is Murder', but the love Moz has for Johnny runs deeper than the deepest sea.

HEATHER: Yes, yes it does.

(The video comes to an end.)

FIFI: So, is my New Town Velocity theory to far-fetched? Listen to the lyrics. What's to add? To me, the whole song and the video are filled with clues, and it's clear who they are aimed at, or is it just my twisted mind? MOVING ON! Ping, hiding inside Morrissey's upcoming album, 'World Peace is None  of Your Business'.

(There is a gasp from the audience)

FIFI: Oh, don't get too excited; you aren't getting an exclusive with that one, you'll find that True To You has just published it. Twelve tracks. Perhaps we should ask Morrissey how he feels about it?

(Everybody looks at Morrissey, who is still sat stroking the cat)

MOZ: (to the audience) I am Beyond ecstatic.

RAT: (whispering excitedly to Heather) Quick, get a pen. Can the words BLUE ROSE SOCIETY be made from the title of the album?

(Heather goes to get a pen from her hand-bag)

MOZ: (to the audience) I expect that one or two of you will already be looking for clues in the title of the new LP, but to save you time, there is NO 't'.

RAT: (Whispering to Heather) Sly bugger.

MOZ: (to the audience) Perhaps this might be a good time for me to mention the Blue Rose Society, just incase any of you are wondering if I am still interested in it.

HEATHER: (Whispering to Ears) I've been wondering this.

MOZ: I would dearly love to have roses brought to me at the upcoming tour. For these past three years, I have asked you to bring roses, and nothing has changed. I will bless any of you who take a rose to one of my concerts, and get it to me.

(Meanwhile, outside the Twitterdilly Arms, the small group of ex-Blue Rose members continue to watch and listen through a window.)

GOB: Has that bastard Rat been banned yet?

CHUCK: Ssh! I can't hear a bloody thing.

MARCUS: What's Moz saying, Chuck?

CHUCK: Be quiet, 'lumpy', I'm trying to listen.

MARCUS: 'Limpy'?

CHUCK: Hold on, Morrissey has just said something like, "blessed are the rose takers".

MARCUS: Did you call me 'Limpy'? "Blessed are the rose takers". Oh good, I took one once, so that must mean me.

GOB: Forget the fucking roses, what punishment has that arse hole got?

LIZZY: They haven't got to that bit yet, but I expect he'll probably get a week ban or something.

GOB: A WEEK! I got a life ban for mocking suicide and making homophobic statements, whilst that Rat bastard has criticised Johnny Marr. He has to get a longer sentence than me!

CHUCK: Well, the hierarchy of the BRS always look after their own, so I doubt Rat will get a ban at all. I've got a few theories on the hierarchy of the BRS. I think I'll go off and write a blog about it.

MARCUS: I'm not convinced that there actually is a hierarchy as such, but I'm going to go off and write a one act play about all we've seen. If Rat's got any sense, he'll get out of the BRS as soon as he can, and go his own way. As a wise man once said, "You are all individuals, you are all different." I want to be like that man. (Marcus limps off, followed by Chuck.)

(BACK INSIDE THE TWITTERDILLY ARMS. Morrissey has sat back down, and Fifi is once again addressing the audience.)

FIFI: Pong. Hiding inside Johnny Marr's upcoming new album. The ping pong game has been going on for years. Is the Morrissey song 'He knows I'd love to see him' a ping?

(Boz presses a button and a picture of Morrissey's Bona Drag album cover appears)

BROKEN: (shouting out) I love that picture. (Turning to Morrissey) Hey, Moz, you aren't playing ping pong with JB too, are you? (Broken goes to the projector, and inserts a slide. An image of Justin Bieber in a red prison outfit appears on the screen.)

BROKEN: (to the audience) They could almost be twins!

(Morrissey looks to the skies and tuts quietly to himself.)

MORRISSEY: Broken, I brought you here tonight for your acidic wit, and for you to insult Rat, can we please leave Bieber out of this parody sketch thing, there are some serious issues to be covered.

BROKEN: Are you saying that Bieber isn't serious? That is so typical of you. Always full of your own self importance. That boy is currently sliding towards the gutter, and all you care about is you. Well, you and Johnny. Always you and Johnny. (Broken turns to Rat) And YOU'RE a cunt!

(Boz Boorer opens another bag of crisps.)

FIFI: Let me continue. In the song 'He knows I'd love to see him', there is the lyric, "'Cause I lived in the arse of the world." Boz, next video please.

(Boz presses the button and a video of 'We share the same skies' by The Cribs starts to play:

FIFI: Pong. Pay attention to the words, "This town has got you down and I know I was helping you out, While your hope died under northern skies." And now for another. I like this one. It might sound like a mean ping, but it's really not. (calling to Boz) Next video please Boz, honey.

(Boz places the crisp packet on his lap, and starts the video. The Morrissey song 'Speedway' begins to play on the screen, with the lyrics also displayed:

FIFIi: Pay particular attention to the words:

"I never said
I could have mentioned your name
I could have dragged you in
Guilt by implication
By association
I've always been true to you
In my own strange way
I've always been true to you
In my own sick way
I'll always stay true to you

FIFI: Strange way or Strangeways? And now for Pong. Next slide please, Boz.

(Boz presses his clicker, and a photograph appears of a Guardian piece from 2007, entitled 'Pieces of me' by Johnny Marr.

FIFI: Item number eleven on this list of Johnny's, is a Speedway badge. As well as having a job on speedways when he was young, the fact that JM uses that badge as part of his most favourite objects surely means something? Or not. What do you think?

EARS: (Whispering to Heather) This is all just unbelievable. Do you think Fifi is for real, or are we just sat in the middle of a parody, and Rat is making this all up?

HEATHER: No. Rat doesn't know the first thing about Johnny. This is all about Moz teaching Rat a lesson, and making sure that in future he shows some respect. It's also incredibly fascinating, so I wish Rat would stop wasting time by putting needless dialogue into this parody, such as this conversation, and just get on with the ping pong.

EARS: I wanted to read back through Day 898 of Rat's blog, to see what it was that he had written about Johnny that annoyed Moz so much, but it's gone.

HEATHER: Yes, I know. And that piece took him eight hours to write, so ask yourself this, why did he remove it?

EARS: Because it upset Moz, I presume.

HEATHER: Exactly. But the one question that anybody who doesn't believe in this whole MorrisseysWorld thing should be asking, is WHY would somebody who is NOT Morrissey, get so annoyed at Rat for publishing something?

LOUGHTON LIL: (Leaning over to Heather and Ears) I was thinking the same thing too. Do you think that the penny will drop with any of those who don't believe?

HEATHER: I very much doubt it. There has been three years worth of evidence proving that Morrissey is behind both MorrisseysWorld and the Blue Rose Society, and NOBODY has believed that, so I very much doubt that they'll suddenly start believing based on something written by that cranky old Rat placed in a parody piece. Anyway, can we please stop having this conversation, and get back to Fifi.

LOUGHTON LIL: Yes, sorry. I'm now picturing Fifi as Bardot.

HEATHER: Are you really, or is this Rat using artistic licence YET AGAIN, just so that he can put a picture of Brigitte in his blog? It's pathetic.


FIFI: I fear I may be giving you all too much information again, and I know that poor Rat is keen to know his fate, so I will finish my ping pong theory with this. (to Boz) Next video please Boz.

(Boz finishes emptying his wine bottle into his glass, and puts on the next video, which is a video of 'Gravitate to me' by The The:

FIFI: Ping.

HEATHER: (Whispering to her small group) This song is from the album 'Mind bomb'. This must be the mind bomb that Fifi mentioned to me in the rest room.

FIFI: I will leave you all to read the lyrics for yourselves. They include, "I know you from a previous incarnation." It is from 1989. (to Boz) Last video please Boz.

(Boz drinks the last of his wine, burps, and presses play. A video appears on the screen of 'Seasick, yet still docked':

FIFI: Pong. Mmmm. From 1992. "I am the lighthouse, I am the sea, seasick, dock" (pauses). It's no jigsaw, it's common sense. Am I right in thinking that the beginning of both 'Gravitate to me' and 'Seasick' are slightly similar? And the album, Mind bomb! Is that a ticking bomb at the beginning of 'Seasick'? Jigsaw. Theories. Bullshit. Jigsaw.

(Fifi sits down, and Morrissey stands up.)

MOZ: (looking at Rat) And now for the sentencing.



  1. Wow...lost for words for once. Here are the links to Gravitate To Me & Seasick I presume we will ALL be scrutinizing them.

  2. I like very much having a role in this parody! Tanks Ratty! Romina at the swimming pool with'usband's tablet.

  3. F***SAKE, I'm another old geezer with specs, yep, I am a few months older than the gypsy, I mean traveller, who goes by the name of M, but really, an old perv, I do protest, cant wait for the tour now.,every announcement sends ripples of excitement through the Morrissey fan base, I may make myself known to some UNlucky people in the USA, I have been in the shadows for far too long, NO, I am not sir cliff though

  4. anyone seen broken around, I have something for him

  5. Quality Rats, sharp as a knife. I hope the flogging is done with delicacy and finesse.

  6. Wow and double wow. Mind bomb indeed! Well done, Rats. I think your portrayal of Fifi's dancing is spot on, but I'm sure you know I wouldn't be that eager to participate in the flogging. I hope you won't leave us hanging over the weekend for the conclusion.

  7. Rat, you missed your calling. I'm not sure what your profession is, you are a very good writer This whole parody piece is well written, captivating and entertaining. Your portrayals of the BRS members are quite good. The Ping Pong between Our Moz and Johnny M is fascinating. Thanks to the lovely Fifi for bringing it to all of our attentions. I was slightly sad Fifi, Astraea and Willow weren't able to dance with me in Twitterdilly last nite, so I was stuck dancing with Mr. Bean (oops wrong blog). Looking forward to the next installment. Hoping Our Benevolent Moz is lenient.

  8. As usual Rat fails to fully appreciate the nature of my genius.

    I must say it's refreshing not to see Sabine and Lizzy around these parts.

    Long may it continue; civilised company and old friends.

    1. Oh shut up already you whiny cunt.

      Have you noticed the odd space chars in " beyond ecstatic " in the latest TTY statement? Lizzy is the only one who writes like that normally.

    2. I miss that tasty Greek though.

      The Original Blue Riband Biscuit Eater

    3. Sorry Broken, but Lizzy and Sabine deserve more respect. Have a nice Saturday evening you all. Rmina, with daughter's mobile.

  9. You have composed a cracking parody here Rats. And the photos compliment the writing perfectly.
    Great to see so many patrons of The Twitterdilly Arms with a role in the play. Fifi, you look super sassy!
    Bravo, I loved it!

    Greetings to you Broken & all at BRS. x

  10. Thanks Rats for the intriguing possibilities and the laughs.

    Johnny walking backward is such a Cocteau thing:

    I can't remember any Morrissey vids with reverse motion, so maybe a pong to Morrissey's other Cocteau references?

    1. Excellent work, agent Harps.

      Chief Inspector Barry Cove

    2. Of course, walking around an urban environment in black and white has been done before: and

      Pong. Pong.

    3. More great work Harpster, and your other observations in the Twit Arms. I also hear rumour that Rat has worked out 'Chris the Wonder-kid', so let's hope he doesn't get a life ban in the final part of the parody story, or we may not get to read about it.

      Reverend Font

  11. thanks for the inclusion rat!
    I missed it in part 2 because I was
    so excited to see the love for the
    kill uncle album bit!!


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