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Saturday, 5 April 2014

Day 934 - "Lounging Around Part 2". A Parody by Our Mozzer

"Lounging Around" Part II

(Part I can be found on Day 917 of this blog. The story so far...... seminal artiste Morr-ee-say, musical director Boz Boorer, former novelist Mikey Bracewell, unpublished poet Broken, and low brow TV bods Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, are sitting around an extender table in Morrissey's house...... that's about it, really. The topic of conversation has just moved from Justin Bieber, to the semi-mesmerizing blog, FollowingTheMozziah.)

Morrissey


"Have you seen this on FollowingTheMozziah, Mozzer?" asks Russell with his iPhone pointing towards the iconic star.

"I'm afraid Morr-ee-say's stopped reading that blog, Russell; it's not nearly fawning enough," says Mikey.

Morrissey looks away from the i-Phone, before gazing out of the corner of his right eye.

"C***," says Morrissey. "The dreary c***ing b*****d."

"Chwist, Mozza! What's that Wat done this time?" asks Jonathan with a deadpan worried look, pouting slightly. "He hasn't closed down his blog again, has he?"

"Or worse - is it still running?" asks Broken archly.

"...Or perhaps, kind sir, the Rat has offended thine eye by posting black and white stars of too obvious a vintage, rather than darkly homoerotic iconoclasts, a la... a certain seminal artiste?..." squeaks Russell, rolling his Rs. "...Oh Morrissey, my fountain of masculinity and waterfall of femininity, Oh Morrissey, my beloved poet and icon of loneliness, symbol of loveliness and-"

"-Oh, why don't you shut up, Russell?"

Morrissey strokes his chin and sighs; his eyes dart about the room.

"Boz, did you know about THIS?"

"I have no knowledge of it, sire."

"Of what, Boz?"

"Of whatever it is you're asking about, sir."

"How can you be sure you have no knowledge of it when you don't even know what I'm asking about, Boz?"

"I have amnesia, sir. Since I bumped my shoulder on your cupboard door last night, sir, making your gin and tonic with slice of Colombian lime, all my memories of recent events have gone."

Morrissey licks his lips.

"Boz," says Broken softly. "I've never heard of amnesia being caused by a blow to the shoulder. Normally it requires a blow to the cranium where the brain resides. Had you had a blow to the arse I could have understood it..."

Wossy laughs thinly and Mikey titters, trying to avoid eye contact with Broken.

"What HAS happened, sir?" asks Boz Boorer, peering towards the i-phone.

"The b*****d has posted my latest parody article. Sixty two comments. Worldwide."

"How many by the Rat?" asks Broken.

"At least sixty, judging by the paucity of wit, charm and due diligence," moans Morrissey. "With fans like these who needs enemies?"

"They're dreary c***s, sir," says Boz Boorer proudly.

"...Poor choice of words there Boz, old son."

"Quite so, Morr-ee-say," adds Mikey Bracewell with an understated nod. "To call Morr-ee-say's fans dreary Boz - well it's just not on, quite frankly. They're blessed with exquisite taste, not to mention loyalty. They're anything BUT dreary"

Wossy nods thinly. Broken looks sceptical.

"I wasn't taking issue with Boz's use of the word dreary old friend. My fans are certainly dreary - in fact some of them make Boz Boorer seem fascinating by comparison - no, I was quibbling with Boz's use of the word 'c***s' when my fans are clearly more dreary b*****ds, and less dreary c***s."

Jonathan Ross smirks and Russell Brand looks terribly serious, cocking his head on to one side, resembling a jack-in-the-box mounted upon a stretched flesh-coloured banana.

Russell Brand
JACKIE BOX


"What have they done this time?" asks Broken wearily.

"Well they've posted my parody article..." replies the iconic star.

"...You mean MY article?" asks Broken.

"Yes, yes YOUR parody article... but... they haven't posted a single shirtless photograph of this extraordinary thing to accompany it, to bring out the eroticism, to magnify the wit and masculine energy of the piece..."

Morrissey with slow, careful fingers pulls a tuft of shirt out of his M&S briefs and ties it mesmerizingly into a knot, revealing just a crest of manflesh above the left hip and gazes out towards an imaginary sweaty moshpit looking almost statuesque.

Boz Boorer cooes and then wolf-whistles. Russell Brand throws his hair back and stares. Wossy smirks and sips his cider.

"You saucy old thing," laughs Russell.

The seminal artiste licks his lips.

"You saucy YOUNG thing!" cries Russell. "In your very late forties, maturing slowly like the finest La Romanee Conti..."

"Nah, Moz is more like a fine wine than a gypsy c***," announces Boz Boorer. "And it's quite rude of you to suggest otherwise, Mr Brand."

Morrissey laughs and draws the back of his hand theatrically across his brow, shaking his head in disbelief.

"...How good of you to translate for me, Boz," Morrissey says. "I had no idea you were a polyglot, much less a wine connoisseur"

"I'm not at all sir - I like gypsies actually."

"Which is your favourite vintage, Boz?" asks Wossy.

"Erm," wonders Boz awkwardly. "I have to say my own wine... from the vineyard me and Lyn are looking after..."

"You have a vineyard, Boz?" asks Russell.

"Yes, Mr Brand. We're trying to replicate the techniques and flavours of the finest wines we've ever sampled."


LYN AND BOZ BOORER AT THEIR VINEYARD

"Boz - what is the finest wine you've sampled?" asks Mikey with a note of curiosity, picking up his cup of Darjeeling.

Boz Boorer pauses, deep in thought. Then he goes on:

"Blue Nun Mikey," says Boz.

Russell laughs hysterically: "Very good Boz! Very dry!"

"It's sweet actually," replies Boz. "They do a very good sweet white at my local off-license."

Morrissey rolls his eyes and gazes at the clock. Broken soundlessly sips his red wine.

"Where is the vineyard? France? Spain? Australia?" asks Wossy.

"...Edgeware," says Martin Boorer. "In me greenhouse. It's my pride and joy Mr Ross - it's fifty feet by thirty feet."

"That's a big one, Boz" says Wossy.

"It is," says Boz. "You could fit a Morrissey concert in there!"


"What a splendid idea Boz," whispers Broken. "With Jesse Tobias and Mozzer playing the old Years of Refusal b-side you'll have no need for yeast. The sourness of the music alone will ferment those grapes into wine."

"Really sire?" asks Boz Boorer naively.



Wossy, Russell and Broken laugh; Mikey thinks better of it. Morrissey glowers at Russell Brand.


"I don't know what to think sir," says Boz Boorer, rubbing his belly and suppressing a belch. "First Alexis Petridis-"

"-Alexis Petriditis..."

"...Yes, sire, Alexis Petriditis I think it was - yes sir, that was his name; he said in his Years of Refusal review that your album could turn milk sour if you placed a bottle on top of the speakers... and now THIS... maybe there is something in it, sir, maybe your music emits some sort of energy that has unique powers..."

"Very New Age, Boz," says Broken. "Why not try it? For the man who booked himself in to play the Oasis Leisure Centre, surely playing Boz Boorer's Greenhouse in Edgeware isn't such a fall from grace? And just think of the marketability: Morrissey-fermented wine. Christ! Forget naked life-sized posters and cheaply knocked off polyester t-shirts - you chaps are sitting on a goldmine..."

Nobody says a thing. Then Morrissey strokes his chin.




BOZ BOORER'S GREENHOUSE - EDGEWARE


"It's an interesting concept. Could it be done? Of course I'd need a share of the old royalties Boz, if I'm going to assist you with the fermentation process."

"Ahem," bumbles Boz uncomfortably. "Lyn's in charge of the finances, sir. She was quite clear. She told me under no circumstances would she allow me to cock this one up, not after 2002, sir..."

"-Then it's agreed, Boz. I'll take 50% of profits and... shazzam!...From online erotic assistance to wine fermenting... tricks of the trade... diversifying one's assets... it's no walk in the park, this fame game. And - just think of the enigmatic otherness factor of Morrissey wine"

"...Very enigmatic sir... But sire, Lyn won't like that, sire, not 50% sir, not half of all our profits, sir..."

"What's mine is yours, Boz, and what's yours is mine - don't you remember the solemn vow you took upon joining the MorrisseyBand?"

"Yes, sir, but..."

The seminal artiste claps his hands.

"More gin!"

In trots Solomon Walker wearing a 'Matthew Porker' badge; he pours the rest of the gin into the singer's plastic cup.

"...dismissed. And don't forget to submit your fine for seeking permission to speak earlier, Matthew."

"Yes sir" says Solomon. "....oh shit."

The seminal artiste smiles: "Make that two fines, old friend-"


"-Sir," says Boz Boorer desperately. "You said you weren't going to play any British dates since everyone hates you there now.... in case you didn't sell enough tickets. Don't you remember sir? Have you changed your mind sir? 'ave you seen sense and realised you can sell out lots of concerts even though everyone hates you?"

"Oh come now, Boz. You're speaking to the man who sold out the Santa Ana Observatory... I hardly think there's much chance of having empty seats in your Greenhouse. No, this is a fascinating idea. I'll ferment your grapes, and you can sell it as Morrissey wine, with a few coppers in the old piggy bank for a once-famous singer..."

"Well sir, maybe Lyn won't mind so much losing out on the royalties... if there's another tour. She always tells me how she loves it when I go on tour, especially on the other side of the world, sir..."

"Just think of the increased revenues thanks to the name Morr-ee-say: hint of vanilla, lingering aftertaste, enjoyable with roasted vegetables or pasta..." Morrissey's voice trails off with a flourish.

"...Just like Blue Nun, sir."

"Is that what you're aiming for, Boz? The Blue Nun aftertaste?" asks Wossy with a glib grin.

"Not really Mr Ross - Lyn just wants to sell it two for the price of one down the covered market, just like our favourite Blue Nun."

"A lofty aspiration," says Broken.

"Don't you think journalists might make a bit of a scene if you play a concert in a greenhouse, Morr-ee-say?" asks Mikey.

"Well I played Brentwood Leisure Centre in 2009, didn't I?"




Mikey Bracewell raises an eyebrow and smiles thinly.

"No, this is going to be extraordinary. Boz...! Boz....! Ah... there you are…! Book me into your greenhouse in late 2014. And please, old son - no meat vendors at the venue and - make SURE there's standing space, not just seats. I'm not Cher just yet."

"Cher retires to a residency in Vegas... Morrissey comes to Boz Boorer's greenhouse. Yes, I can see the parallels, Morrissey," Broken says, lifting up his glass jubilantly.

The men drink their drinks and Boz Boorer finally belches; then he swallows with a red face and shiny cheeks, smiling fulsomely at Morrissey.

"Lyn will be thrilled, sir," he says meekly. "Thrilled..."




58 comments:

  1. Going out with family for dinner, later and have a nice week end! I love your parody! Ciao!

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  2. Dear Our Mozzer, thank you, thank you, thank you. One of your best ever.

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  3. haha bloody brilliant as all of the parody pieces are x

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  4. Thank you for Part 2! LOVE IT ALL, especially the Morrissey-fermented wine. I would pay top dollar for that, lol. And yes, we know we're dreary b******s and I offer my deepest apologies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think a 'Sour Grapes' vineyard tour might be in the cards...

      Delete
  5. Thank you Our Mozzer, and I must say you look divine for being in your "late forties". Another fine parody sir, it certainly brightened up a rather bland day for me. I hope BRS members get preferential treatment for the concert in Boz's greenhouse :-) Have a lovely weekend all.

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  6. *what* a lovely surprise!! ... so many great bits

    'He hasn't closed down his blog again, has he'
    - ha ha I love it!!

    'by posting black and white stars of too obvious a vintage,
    rather than darkly homoerotic iconoclasts, a la... a certain
    seminal artiste?' - take note ratty!!

    please can the deluded dozen become the dreary deluded dozen
    I like all the D's!! - but who do I put this in writing to?!

    - yes BRS members will fit nicely into the greenhouse!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Dreary Deluded Dozen..... DDD, just as Cocteau signed his work in the Notre Dame de France! It's a sign. It's a sign. It's a sign.

      Bando Foutsiders

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    2. wow ... I think our mozzer was waiting for someone to deduce that!!

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  7. Smashing!
    *Raises glass of wine in appreciation*

    Thank you Our Mozzer.. Reading this made me feel a little less dreary x

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  8. Another priceless parody piece. Love the idea of Moz muscling in on the Boorer's profit margin.
    What a gem. Thank you for taking the time to write it OM.

    Bonnie Raitt

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    Replies
    1. Bonnie, I saw you on Austin City Limits last week, you sounded.... magnificent. I didnt know you were a Moz aficiando :-)

      Delete
  9. Is that actually Lyn? On the balcony with Boz, not the last photo.... obviously.

    Sue Littletyme

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  10. Rat, that waxworks photo of Russell that you've used is so unlifelike. Russell should sue Madame Tussauds.

    Enid Idmee

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    Replies
    1. It looks like RB has been crossed with Wossy!

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  11. "La Romanee Conti" and "gypsy c***". Possibly THE funniest thing written in the past three years.

    Rita Haywain

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    Replies
    1. I totally agree. Romanee Conti, or Romany Cont is crying out to be turned into a Carry On character. Do they still make Carry On films? Is Chrysler Rothmans still alive?

      Peter Potter

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    2. Agree, but I'm so Italuan that the first time I read it I was going to ask what thw f*** is a Romanee Conti, it's not an italian wine at all! Romina, on the beach!

      Delete
  12. I prefer Rats writing.

    Tobee Honést

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  13. You do realise 'King Rat' that Mr R. Brand has regenerated himself (in Dr Who manner) from that fella that did present Magpie.

    http://www.oocities.org/hollywood/5144/magpie2.jpg

    Gordon Hobbs

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    Replies
    1. Lol, nice one Gordon. There is an uncanny likeness!

      Delete
    2. Dear Gordon, the guy you are referring to is Mick Robertson, who is a Pompey supporter. On the back of Robertson's Magpie fame, he recorded an album called.... wait for it.... "Then I Change Hands"! Russell is indeed Mick's love child.

      Delete
  14. Question Time - WHO is Matthew Porker? WHAT did Boz Boorer do in 2002? Did he agree to accept just £10,000 per album, rather than a share of the royalties, after all, it was during the wilderness years, so perhaps he thought it was all over for Mozzer? 10 g's would have seemed a great deal at the time. Answers on a postcard please.

    Robbin' Dai.... the most notorious thief in Wales

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    Replies
    1. Robin Porker apparently lives in Ipswich and has a locked Twitter account.
      I cannot imagine that Boz would have accepted only £10,000 per album
      instead of royalties, but if times were hard, who knows ?

      Blodwen the dragon

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    2. Matthew Porker. Oops.....

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    3. I thought Matthew Porker was just a play on Matt Walker, but maybe I am underthinking here.

      Delete
  15. Morrissey Whine. I’d go for some of that.

    Full-bodied, complex, ages gracefully.

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  16. This is more of the same bollocks churned out by a bunch of idiots.

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    Replies
    1. No, no, no, Anon, we have moved on from that. Have you not read the words of Banjaxer? MorrisseysWorld is something that Morrissey is either involved with, or at the very least, something he plays along with, so therefore, it can't be dismissed as "bollocks churned out by a bunch of idiots". This is history in the making.

      OW

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    2. You lot believe any old bollocks. Why does Morrissey attract such fans who either pretend to be him, or to know him, faking up interviews, etc, pretending to be in the know, reading codes and messages into everything.

      Delete
    3. It's called delusion. Life is delusion.

      Delete
    4. Well not exactly. Seeing him play, listening to his music, reading something he has actually written (as opposed to something a deluded fan made up that he said) .... none of that is delusion. That is life. This is all fantasy. My question is why a down to earth and an intelligent artist like Morrissey attracts such fruit loops.

      Delete
    5. Dear Anon, this is an interesting debate, so let me, as the author of the semi-mesmerising blog 'FollowingTheMozziah', join in.

      First of all, WHAT is it that you believe to be "old bollocks", is it this particular parody piece? If so, are you saying that you believe that 'I' have written it, pretending to be Morrissey? Are you also saying that you believe 'I' have made up the two or three interviews on this site? Are you also saying that you don't believe that Morrissey has given out ANY signs whatsoever to show that he is, at the very least, playing along with the whole MorrisseysWorld/Blue Rose phenomenon?

      If you ARE saying these things, then you have managed to get EVERYTHING wrong, and therefore your whole "fruit loops" question becomes irrelevant, because neither myself or the people who leave comments here ARE "fruit loops" (well, Willow is), we are just people who have refused to believe what we were told, and we l'oo'ked, and l'oo'ked, and l'oo'ked, and questioned, and questioned, and questioned until we discovered the truth.

      The question I ask you, Anon, is WHY are Morrissey fans totally unable to see what Morrissey is doing? How can you miss what is right in front of your eyes? Have you even watched Morrissey 25Live?

      My suggestion is that you go right back to the very beginning, and start l'oo'king all over again. Start HERE: http://true-to-you.net/morrissey_news_110514_01

      Then HERE: http://followingthemozziah.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/history-of-morrisseysworld.html

      Make sure you chop down all those trees, and the woods will be waiting for you.

      Delete
    6. Ratty, you slanderous rodent! Well, maybe half-slanderous...or maybe an eighth...And who is this ignorant ****** who is insulting us ALL? Only Our Mozzer & Mr Rat are allowed to do that. The cheek of it...

      Delete
  17. This is my favourite parody so far! Love the way Russell is depicted - so funny. The way poor Boz is portrayed always makes me laugh so much! Love to know what he thinks about it...My favourite part is this:
    "Yes, yes YOUR parody article... but... they haven't posted a single shirtless photograph of this extraordinary thing to accompany it, to bring out the eroticism, to magnify the wit and masculine energy of the piece..."
    Morrissey with slow, careful fingers pulls a tuft of shirt out of his M&S briefs and ties it mesmerizingly into a knot, revealing just a crest of manflesh above the left hip and gazes out towards an imaginary sweaty moshpit looking almost statuesque."
    That just made me howl. And obviously I couldn't agree more, being an enthusiastic advocate of the posting of shirtless Moz pics, (& videos). Extra points for the use of the word 'manflesh' too.

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    Replies
    1. If Willow demands more manflesh, she should get some. Give the girl what she wants, Rat.

      Plimsoll hugger

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    2. How very kind of you to bully Mr Rat for me. I'm very touched. May the sun shine upon you & your plimsolls.

      Delete
  18. Found parody part 2 to be hilarious. Loved the mental visions it imparted, especially Moz drinking out of a plastic cup, which is the vessel of choice for local wine connoisseurs(or for anything with alcohol) around here, although Boz's wine would probably too expensive for me here in the states, as it will be classified as imported. I'll have to admit it had bothered me that there were so many vintage photos, most of them of women, and the lack of Moz pictures, with or without shirts in some of the recent blog postings. I feel one can never have too many pictures of Our Mozzer, especially on a web site dedicated to him. Have a good week. BRS
    Fancy123

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  19. "Or worse - is it still running?" asks Broken archly."

    B*****d

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    Replies
    1. That line was my second favourite part of the parody.

      Delete
    2. You missed out the first speech marks. And you called it 'greenhouse' instead of 'a greenhouse.' And you didn't put 'Morrissey wine' in italics, only the wine bit. C***.

      Plus, you need at least two shirtless pics of Moz and one gratuitous pic of JB shirtless, as well as Boz in drag.

      Christ - everyone knows that. Come on, up your game.

      Delete
    3. Adjust the piece as per the above, and who knows? Perhaps parts III and IV will be forthcoming?

      Delete
    4. Oh and don't repost the thing. Just add the pics in and adjust the grammar.

      Delete
    5. I agree with adding more pics of Moz, but think there should be some rule to follow related to all FTM postings. Something on the order of: if you add a vintage (or not) pic of a woman(or a non essential man vintage or not) it should be balanced by 2-3 pics of Moz, I am undecided if shirtless ones are more valuable or not. I suppose it depends on the pose.
      Fancy123


      e pose.
      Fancy123

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    6. Dear Broken, CUNT!

      Rat
      Ps Amendments made as requested.

      Delete
    7. Much more aesthetically pleasing! Gives the whole piece a little extra va-va voom! Also, those are two of my all time favourite torso pictures. The sun is beaming brightly today : )

      Delete
    8. but the bieber pic isn't showing up here?

      Delete
    9. Yes, the pics were what was needed to make a fair piece into a splendid one and might soothe Our Mozer who complained in the parody that FTM was not fawning over him enough. Thanks for the pics.
      Fancy123 or maybe it should read Dreary Fancy 123

      Delete
    10. Now that the requested amendments have been made, we're ready for Part 3, please. For some reason, I can't get the image out of my head of Moz in priest garb for the Morrissey wine label, in homage to Boz's beloved Blue Nun.

      Delete
    11. I meant to say the pics enhanced the piece visually, the writing was already superb. It just needed that little boost.

      Delete
  20. Great stuff, brightened up my Monday.

    Love to you all.

    JMH

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Love this one! Yess, Viva The D.D.D!!!

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  23. You can't leave MW. It's a curse - only a pleasant one.

    TRB is the hero of MW.

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    Replies
    1. That is the nicest thing you have ever written about me. Actually, it is the ONLY nice thing you have ever written..... about ANYBODY!

      Delete
  24. I do apologize for my absence on the blog- I was on a long holiday. I did so enjoy this parody and the photos accompanying it! Man flesh is a good thing, indeed.

    ReplyDelete

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