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Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Day 1105 - By word of Alf

The Twitterdilly Arms is empty. AlfsButton has not been seen since late on Monday evening, when he disappeared into the shadows armed with a wet sponge. With Morrissey not around, the Dreary Deluded Dozen have obviously decided to go about their 'normal' lives.

There has been rumour on the internet that Morrissey is to appear on the Swedish talk show Skavlan, and Morrissey confirmed this to me last week in the toilets of The Arms. I have no idea if the show has been filmed yet, or when it is due to be aired, but the question is, will there be a sign for the BRS? What would actually happen if Morrissey were to blatantly wear a blue rose? The answer is of course, NOTHING, because in fact, Morrissey has already worn a blue rose on three occasions, and it was ignored.

As it is a quiet news day, I will take this opportunity to publish for the first time the AlfsButton tweets from the first few days of his account. At this time, the account was locked and not accessible to anyone other than those who Alf allowed:

Monday Sept 8th:

"She said I know you and you just cannot sing and I said that's nothing you should listen to Rihanna."

"If we are being honest I've not had a quiff since 1994."

"When I stand on stage and see the mass swarm of people I begin to think "How?" How do you all know me. It's all very confusing."

"Diaries are for people with criminally short memories" (How true!)

"England possesses an unique nerve that generates such enormous creativity."

"There is a "hidden" song on Jarvis Cocker's solo album that is called C**** are still running the world. The question is why did Jarvis hide it. He was probably so drunk he didn't even realise he recorded it... I have been there. Born to Hang."

"I am a flâneur."

Tuesday Sept 9th:

"Je Suis..... You know the rest."

"I'm English, Drown me."

"If one wishes to be mysterious one should acquire a quiff and simply turn down social events."

"I am covered head to foot in angst and acrimony."

"Most people my age look dreadful; I'd say I'm probably 'not bad'."

"If I was one of the pack there wouldn't be room to move. I'd hate to be everybody's friend."

"I feel I have saved some of my best statements for an account where only 12 people can see what I'm doing."

"I am currently listening to Frank Sinatra and Celeste Holm sing Who wants to be a millionaire."

To George Edge: "The Arctic Monkeys once sung about dandelion and burdock. Please do not mention anything Turner has done."

"All dreams are nightmares. Postponements of the real world as the real world is even worse."

Sunday Sept 14th:

"The failure to connect with other humans both haunts and amuses me"

In response to Harrison asking how many humans are worth connecting with: "I've found 29." (The number of AlfsButton followers at the time.)

In response to Kerry tweeting "Dust and pet hair everywhere": "That sounds like a new lyric. For a Christmas Album by Phillip Schofield."

"Are you all waiting for a sign?"

"What sign do you want? More dates in England?"

"Modern singers seem to mumble over the songs as if they are not confident of the lyrics or their message."

"It is hard to believe in a band or singer if they do not believe in their own ability."

"You can ALWAYS hear what I sing."

In response to George asking for a date: "Good grief! I've not met someone so forward since the Drummer stole my wallet."

Moz, George and Jesse then continued the conversation for a while. Here are the highlights:

MOZ: One day you will find your boy/girl/no fixed gender.

JESSE: But will you?

MOZ: I never will.

GEORGE: Perhaps you don't want to?

MOZ: It would not fit the public image.

GEORGE: Then it would be kept private.

MOZ: I hardly kept Old JW private.


In response to Jesse calling Moz a sex symbol: "When did I become a sex symbol?"

In response to Jesse asking, "when weren't you a sex symbol?": "1983. I was still a back-bedroom-victim. Or the bedsit. Delete as appropriate."

In response to Lizzy asking, "When did you realise that people were attracted to you?": "When somebody licked my face on the underground."

In response to Lizzy stating that "People still think you use a fax machine having seen that documentary": "I've come on a bit since then. I now use carrier pigeon. I am Jack Duckworth."



"Christmas with Morr-ee-say"

"Boredom swarms around like a pesky plague."

"Bitten fingernails are the sign of a handsome devil."

"Eternity annihilating itself at every corner."

"Irish Blood. English Heart. Scottish brain. Welsh limbs."

The mention of boredom being a plague and "fingernails" reminded me of the two songs that Our Mozzer mentioned in December 2012. In fact, the phrase "Boredom is a plague" was first used by Our Mozzer in October 2011, and I even wrote a song using the title:

In May 2012, Our Mozzer again mentioned boredom being a plague ( and did so yet again in October 2012 ( I think it is fair to say that Morrissey sees boredom as a plague!

Monday Sept 15th:

"InternationalHarryStylesDay are we all going to forget to sing in honour?"

Next was a retweet of @MorrisseyParody's tweet saying, "Perpetual management issues are due to management." I am guessing this is a little in joke, and as I wrote in my blog entry of Day 1097, I would imagine that Kevin 'Banjaxer' Mar(r)inan is the person operating the MorrisseyParody account.

"I am beginning to resemble an egg with hair scrambled on."

"I wouldn't recommend living. It's a terrible business."

"My days consist of nothing more than decomposing in the chair in the corner of a mouldy room."

In response to MozFiend tweeting, "I am never in a good mood until you arrive": "Then I must never leave. What is going to happen to you when I do my ironing?... I never do any ironing."


"I live, unapologetically, for a good crease in a shirt."

"Has Peter Doherty died yet? Is HE going to outlive me too?"

"God must be taking a leave of absence."

"In a place with zero crime the police would create it."

"Most music sends one into a coma like listening to a lecture on the history of the lamppost."

"Whoever invented the mobile phone should be shot between the eyes."

In response to Jesse saying that she doesn't use her phone to make calls: "I use it to put butter on toast. In the absence of a knife of course. I'm not a complete savage."

"Laptops I can just about stomach."

JESSE: Do you use a laptop to tweet?

MOZ: I have trained a carrier pigeon to type.

JESSE: Ah yes, I remember. What is the pigeon's name?

MOZ: Derek.

"I do not see gender in animals."

"People who have failed in their life will always try and manage yours."

"I do not try to manage anyone."

"I've been self-medicating since 1986."

"Introspection leads to self-fulfilment."

Tuesday Sept 16th:

"Are we all in debt? Either financially, emotionally or physically?"

"We run an we run and we run and for what? Nothing."

"The heart knows what it wants but the feet cannot take me there."

"The depression of an Irish Rebel."

"Striptease with indifference."

"I fear recognition but loathe the idea of obscurity."

In reply to the above, MozFiend wrote, "Obscurity will never be an issue for you", to which Moz replied, "Oh for those seven dark years it was."

"You don't like me but you love me. Either way you're wrong. You will miss me when I'm gone."

"Girl Least Likely To will be played within the first 5 dates."

In reply to mecaniqueorange suggesting that Alf posts a selfie to prove he is Moz: "But where is the fun in that."

*Goes off singing* How many times have I been around? Recycled papers paving the ground


  1. Really hoping to see Moz on the talk show and that we haven't seen the last of Alf. Just because the pub is quiet at times doesn't mean that it's empty...

    1. I am always passed out in the corner of the pub with my head on a table when no one is around, just waiting to be woken up for another round of drinks.

  2. In today's blog I am two people, Jesse and MozFiend. Usually I am just MozFiend. Is there a reason for the change? Just curious.

  3. Excellent pics again. Now if Mrs Whiskers ever comes across your photo album, what will she think?

  4. So glad you can keep us up to date on what's going on, and Alf's tweets. I must be in a time zone that isn't even close to Alf. I have yet to be on Twitter at the same time he's on. So a big thanks to you Mr Ratty.


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