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Thursday, 9 October 2014

Day 1120 - BRS Meeting

Members of the BRS are gathered in The Twitterdilly Arms. Broken is slumped in a chair in the far corner of the pub, sipping neat gin through a straw. Jaz is sat next to him, quietly in thought. Heather, EARS, Moz Fiend, Inge and Kerry are sat at a table chatting about Morrissey's recent concert in Lisbon, whilst Astra is scrolling through the juke box. She puts in a coin and selects the following four songs; Dieu Est Fumer De Havanes by Serge Gainsbourg & Catherine DeneuveDance Me To The End of Love by Leonard Cohen plus Hard Times and Maybe Tomorrow by Billy Fury.

Loughton Lil is serving behind the bar, with a tea towel draped over his shoulder. Manc lad is slumped face down on the bar, nursing the remains of a rather foul coloured cocktail. Romina is sat alone at a table with her 'usband's tablet, and is reading Morrissey's latest interview with Corriere della Sera. Other members of the BRS, such as Fancy, Harrison, Orange M, Vulgar, Clover, GWO, Hoarsley, George Edge, comrade harps and Father Brian are all milling about near the bar.

Rat is sat at one end of a long meeting table, with Chuck at the other end. Rat stands up and in a raised voice, addresses the pub.

RAT: Can you all please come and take a seat.

(Everyone with the exception of Broken and Astra make their way over to the large table and each take a seat.)

RAT: Thank you all for coming. I thought that it was important to take stock of who is still left in the BRS, and in the absence of a new Bans & Ejections parody piece from Our Mozzer, I thought that perhaps we should hold our own meeting to talk about who is or isn't currently banned from our little group.

BROKEN: (Shouting from the far corner) Well there would have been a new parody piece if you hadn't been such a twat.

GWO: (Addressing Rat) Is this an official BRS committee meeting then?

RAT: Well, I suppose so, yes.

GWO: But you're not the Chairman of the BRS, we elected Loughton Lil at the AGM back in June. From what I recall, you failed to get a nomination, let alone any votes. I think you aught to sit down and let Loughton take over.

RAT: But I-

GWO: But nothing Rat. Sit down.

(Rat looks embarrassed, and sits down.)

MANC LAD: (Slurring) That showed you, you fucking cheese nibbler. Well done GWO. Come on Loughton, you take over.

LOUGHTON: Right then, I shall call this meeting to order. I believe that most of the members of the BRS are here, although there are of course others who are now active in the field, i.e. taking roses to concerts etc, without necessarily knowing of MorrisseysWorld or any of the other old bollocks that we've all been through over the past three years.

GEORGE EDGE: Can we please get on with things? I need to post a few more selfies of myself in my underwear on twitter. I'll be honest, I only ever joined twitter because of MorrisseysWorld and the BRS, but I've lost interest a bit, and would rather talk about myself. Mind you, I'm happy to talk about plaid, and did anybody see that picture of Moz out and about in Madrid last night in his plaid jacket? He looked fantastic.



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MOZ IN MADRID LAST NIGHT

HEATHER: And doesn't he look well.

EARS: Stunning.

MOZ FIEND: Just beautiful.

KERRY: Like a God.

INGE: Really fit.

RAT: Can we get back to the matter in hand?

LOUGHTON: (To Rat) What exactly did you want a meeting for, Rat?

RAT: I wanted us to invite Chuck back to the BRS, that is why she is here tonight. Admittedly she has treated us all very badly, particularly myself and Broken, but the fact that she keeps posting comments on FTM and keeps talking about the BRS is telling me that she is desperate to once again be part of our group. I would like to propose that if she apologises to Broken for all that she previously said when she mistakenly took the side of GOB and Lizzy during that row back in January, then she should be allowed to rejoin.

LOUGHTON: That's all well and good Rat, and very magnanimous of you, but with the exception of Broken, none of us here are on the Bans and ejections committee. That committee consists of Our Mozzer, Broken, Mikey Bracewell, Boz, Walter Ego and Mam.

GWO: No, no, no, that is the Concert Bans and Ejections Committee, not the BRS Bans Committee, which I believe consists of Our Mozzer, Broken, Menippus and Rat.

RAT: Really? Am I on it?

GWO: Well you've certainly been consulted in the past.

CHUCK: Listen, let me save you all the hassle of debating who's on what sub committee in your pathetic little club, I have no intention of apologising to Broken, Rat or anybody else for that matter. Morrissey may well have formed the BRS, but he is certainly nothing to do with it now. I have moved on, and have now formed my own bond with Moz. He held my hand in Lisbon, and I believe it was a special moment for both of us. Morrissey has also been quoted in a new interview saying that he has had 307 record labels, which is obviously a reference to my twitter account, Someday307, so despite you lot thinking that the BRS is special, it is not. Morrissey and I have formed our own club. You can all shove your negativity up your arses, and I hope somebody kicks Broken in the eye.

(Chuck gets up, spits in Rats face, and walks out. Outside, Chuck is met by GOB and Lizzy, who are grinning from ear to ear.)

GOB: Well done Chuck. I nearly pissed myself when I heard Rat begging you to come back. He is a pompous ass and a twat.

LIZZY: Agreed. You were great in there.

(The three girls walk off together smiling. They pass a man who is hugging a tree and whispering quietly to it, and another woman who is clutching an old photograph of Violet Carson whilst shouting to herself, "It's not him, it's not him", before then laughing out loud and running away.)

(Meanwhile back in The Arms, Broken has walked over to the table. Rat is wiping the spit from his face.)

BROKEN: Rat, when will you ever learn? I banned Chuck, GOB and Lizzy for good reason; they are poison. They are NEVER to be mentioned again. I quite like the look of the group around this table. Perhaps there is life in the BRS yet.

ROMINA: I am taking the rose to Rome on Monday. Perhaps Morrissey wheel take eat from me?

BROKEN: We shall see.

29 comments:

  1. I loved it. What a nice surprise. I literally laughed out loud, which does not happen often these days, I'm afraid. Actually, it never happened much in any days, but that is besides the point. Thank you for this. I truly enjoyed it.

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    1. Oh, and I am truly flattered I was in it and even had a bit of dialogue.

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  2. actually whiskers, this is quite a good piece, I would give it 9/10, it certainly made me laugh, even if I am always portrayed as an old drunk.. love the bit about Rosy with her Ena Sharples print

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    2. I feel that I must point out to our younger readers that Violet Carson is Ena Sharples out of Coranation Street and that @rosymires has an old print of her looking out over the Manchester skyline, well ok, if the truth be known it is actually an old photo of Rosy herself wearing a hairnet but the likeness is uncanny, she plans to dupe poor old Moz with this photo of herself in the hope that he places it in his bedroom, will poor Moz notice, we will just have to keep a l 00 kout during the Warsaw concert

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  3. And while I was trying to keep order some scumbag hopped over the bar and nicked the takings - best day in ages as well, almost £3.50 in the box. Typical - never take your eye of the day job.

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    1. I must be in the clear, according to colonel whiskers I was that drunk I couldn't possibly have vaulted over the bar, I reckon it's Romina, she's always on bleedin' holiday, where does she get the money from

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    2. Where else I could be dear Manc? I got no job, no money so I stay on the beach, here there are still 30 degree, what can I do? I got to take a rose on Monday!

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    3. aaw, hope you get near the front xx

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  4. This is funny Rat lol

    I think we should have a real meet up of the BRS

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  5. Dear Rat,
    you have outdone yourself with your new blog.i could not stop laughing while i was reading it.
    thank you for mentioning my name in your blog.i love it that i am at the pub!
    how i dearly wish that the twitterdilly arms was a real pub.it would be my favo. place to hang out.

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  6. A welcome surprise. One of your best I think Rats, very funny.
    Thank you.

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  7. A welcome surprise to have a parody today - thanks, Rats. Best wishes to Romina and her rose.

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  8. This is just what we needed Rat, the occasional parody to bring us together. I really love the pub setting it seems relaxing, a good place to drink ones shandy and drift into thought.
    It's a shame that shuck is confused about whether or not she wants anything to do with the BRS. From our chats its obvious that she's given up and yet checks in and comments (but we're the brainwashed ones).
    In about an hour and a half I'll be Mad in Madrid, looking foward to that, has anyone found any footage of the newest pre-appearance videos?

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    1. Shall we travel in May to Manchester ?

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    2. Only if you buy my plane ticket.

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  9. Your French is fucking appalling.

    But what you lack in French skills you more than make up for in parodying random screeching women. I can still hear them all in my head now.

    Someone get me a drink.

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    1. Great to see you posting here whilst Moz is on stage. It's as though you did it on purpose. And yes, my French IS appalling. Have all the screaming women now left the building? I do hope so. I need a drink too.

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  10. "There's a meeting here tonight. There's a meeting here tonight." Oops sorry, wrong venue. Seriously though, Mad in Madrid tonight. Moz looks quite striking in black pants and a red shirt. Well I wonder if there will be any surprises. Madrid is such an appropriate venue for "The Bullfighter Dies".

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  11. FTM is the home of the BRS and all that the original concept stands for. The haters and their negative comments are not welcome here. Despite Chuck throwing my olive branch back in my face, she has posted no fewer than FIVE comments on here today and has been backed up by Marcus. I have deleted all of their comments. Some things never change.

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  13. Hey Ratty g'd one! Got me laughing...

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  14. What an amazing 2 shows it's been! Moz looks & sounds incredible! I feel like I'm actually there at the show, becuz I'm posting every moment & every move Moz makes on stage posting on my blog & Fb page, speaking to the lovely photographers & all these amazing fans sending stuff & giving me details, what a great start of this tour. Speaking to the guys in the band, their all in good spirits, that Moz is just fine, he's great! I wanted to share something really quick. The day before I had gotten upset since all that BS about Moz being sick, many fans just didn't really appreciate what one tries to do for them. I love speaking to fans all over the world, & their are many lovely ppl out there don't get me wrong, but Christsake! There's so many ppl just all about the bad vibes, & the bad mouthing, all the negative stuff is what they like. Why tho? I mean I expect it from all these journalist who lie, but from socal fans? I don't know I was very disappointed, I have decided not to share anymore info. w/ ppl it's just so sad, they really don't appreciate. That's why Ratty I always appreciate what you do, you know? Well I try not to let the negative crap get to me, but it was just ridiculous

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  15. I will actually have the privilege to see M in Rome I'm leaving this Saturday & I'm still in shock, lol Cuz I can't believe I'm going to Italy of all places & seeing my hero is a dream come true! It really pays to know fans from other countries cuz they'll help out with you're stay out there, idk at least for me it's been like that. I am so nervous & excited & anxious. Italy is so amazingly beautiful! Anyone else going to Rome? It's the only show I'm going to but, I'm happy right now!!! Keep what you doing Ratty! Luv it! Can't wait to touch down in Italian soil...

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  16. Did not expect to be attending a meeting when I dropped by the Twit Arms today. It was nice seeing some of the old gang. From the pictures it appears Moz did well in Spain. Good luck to Romina with her rose in Rome and to Clover Dean, they should be in for a great concert. BRS

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  18. Great blog, really enjoyed reading it, thanks for the mention!

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  19. haha nice one rat. this made me smile.
    irony. I hadn't even seen that Plaid jacket picture, cause I am avoiding my TL for any set list mentions.
    ... he did indeed look fantastic.

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