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Monday, 6 October 2014

Man with a Limp

This parody piece, which was based on real events, was written by Broken in the comments section of Day 868 after a fall out in the BRS ranks:

A scene in a coffee shop.

Our Mozzer and Broken are having a cup of tea with Jjaz and JB. Broken is admiring Justin's latest owl tattoo and nodding safely as he explains its deeper meaning.

"Fag!" comes a voice as a middle aged woman cackles on the table across the café.

"Pardon?" asks Broken.


"You just called me a fag-" says Broken. "Do you think that's very polite?"

"Prove she called you a fag!" says Chuck, sipping her latte with caramel.

"Prove it? She just said it!" says Broken.

"Prove it - I just want to see the proof, is all" says Chuck.

"But she did say it," says a tender voice; Heathercat is sitting with a pensive look and dewy eyes.

"Oh that doesn't sound like Sabine..." says Chuck. "Can I have some proof please?"

"You want me to prove Sabine called me a fag when your two friends heard her?" asks Broken.

"Stop bullying me!" shrieks Sabine, cowering under the table.

A plump man with a limp and a slightly ill-fitting t-shirt sashays up to the table. He speaks in a soft London accent and appears to be holding flyers for his latest film.

"I'm sorry, is this man bothering you?" asks the man.

"Yes!" screams Sabine. "What have I done? What?"

"You called me a fag!"

"Trouble maker," says the man.

"But..." says Broken.

"This witch-hunt has GOT to stop, besides you're not really real and the tree bark told me this morning that you're not even Morrissey."

Broken looks over to Jjaz who rolls her eyes. JB is rubbing his blue rose tattoo and Our Mozzer is jutting his jaw out and gazing out of the window.

Our Mozzer stands up.

"Is there a problem here?" He asks in a soft voice, grimacing and poking his tongue into his left cheek.

"Yes," says the man. "This c*** is harassing this woman and claiming she called him a fag!"

"But she did!" cries the whole table, except Sabine and Chuck.

"She wouldn't.... proof!" cries Chuck.

"She mocked my suicide attempt in 2011" adds Broken, looking quite serious.

"Non-existent people can't kill themselves" laughs the man, gazing down at his film-themed t-shirt and wondering what he can eat next.

"I didn't say that anyway!" shouts Sabine. "My son tweeted it!"

"Leave this woman alone, c***" shouts the man. "Here's my mobile, phone me, c***. If you dare, c***."

Our Mozzer licks his lips.

"I heard her say it, and I blocked her a few years ago for saying it, old son," says OM.

"But I didn't say it!" shrieks Sabine. "I wouldn't do something like that."

"You have said it and you've apologised for it," says broken in a mellow voice. "There are witnesses."

"Look I've already apologised for that - stop raking up the past!" Sabine cries.

"Proof please!" shouts Chuck in floods of tears. "All I'm asking for is proof!"

"But your friends witnessed it - just ask them."

"It's true," says Heather and Lizzy in unison.

"Prove it! I'm only asking for proof!" cries Chuck, standing up and storming out of the café, before reappearing at the doorway.

"I want proof - is that too much to ask?" she screams.

Jjaz rolls her eyes.

"Look, Sabine admitted she mocked my suicide. It's even on the MW archives. But we don't need to post that because Heather and Lizzy witnessed it!"

"My son logged on and made that comment!" cries Sabine.

"See! You lying scum!" screams Chuck. "You bully! Leave us alone!"

"Your son?" laughs OM, stroking his chin.

"Stop this at once," mutters the man, gazing at his t-shirt and wondering what to eat next.

"OK chaps, we'll move over there," says Broken quite calmly.

Our Mozzer nods softly, grimacing and licking his lips.

"Stop right there, b*****!" comes a loud voice from the other side of the café.

"You can't b******d leave! You b******d treating chuck like this!"

"Pardon?" asks Broken.

"Bullying a helpless woman because she'd defending another helpless woman, who was probably only defending another helpless-"

"I'm just moving away from the homophobic abuse and rudeness," interrupts Broken.

"You can't leave! You can't leave! Don't you dare go! And don't you DARE close down the blog, you cruel b******d!"

"OK let's go home. This is insane," says Broken. He, OM, Jjaz and JB stand up and leave.

"I knew there was something not right about him," murmurs Lizzy, looking at Broken.

"Not a very nice man," says the man. "And your aweful grammer!"

As they leave, someone throws a piece of fruit at Broken.

"Perhaps now the bullying will stop" says Chuck to Sabine.

"Don't count on it," she says, with a roll of the eyes. "The f*g is a right c***."

"All I asked for was proof!" shrieks Chuck, in tears. "Is that TOO much to ask?"

Sabine nods, her eyes closing as she downs her tea.

"I hope this isn't the end," says Heather. "I love the BRS."

"I know... it's awful," says Lizzy. "After we've spent all these years following the blog and twitter too! All the time and effort we've expended. Where's the loyalty? Where?"

Sabine nods.

"Nasty bullies!" says Chuck.

Lizzy runs to the door and shouts down the street: "You scum have no loyalty to your loyal readers! How dare you close the blog down after upsetting my friend Sabine! I tell you what! I don't give a fig for your blog anymore! You've ruined it all!"

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