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Thursday, 27 August 2015

Day 1446 - A New dawn (A Parody)

The setting is the Twitterdilly Arms - the online (anti)social club that is home to Morrissey's Blue Rose Society.

GWO is serving behind the bar, and has two hardened drinkers, Boozy Kerry and MancLadMozfan, sat on bar stools opposite her. MancLad is sipping a vodka & cranberry, which has a cocktail umbrella poking out from it. He removes the umbrella, and uses the sharp wooden end to pick out a piece of peanut which is lodged between the only two teeth that remain on his top row. Boozy K has just been on a mine sweep of the bar, and has a pint glass full of a variety of drinks. She downs the contents in one, wipes her hand across her mouth, burps, and then quickly pulls her hair into an elastic band before throwing up all over MancLad's lap.

BOOZY K: (slurring) Soz about that. Let me clear it up.

Boozy K grabs a towelling mat from the bar, which has the word Guinness written on it, and starts to wipe the liquid vomit from MancLad's faded and dirty blue jeans.

MANC LAD: (slurring) Don't worry love, if anything that will improve my look.

A small group are sat at a table close to the jukebox. The group include Rat, Heather, EARS, Jaz, Moz Fiend, Marianne and comrade harps. They are all sat staring at their mobile (cell) phones.

MOZ FIEND: (staring at her phone) Morrissey's new novel sounds so exciting, and listen to what he has written on the Penguin website about it, "an American tale where, naturally, evil conquers good, and none live happily ever after, for the pangs of the empty experiences of flesh-and-blood human figures are the reason why nothing can ever be enough."

HEATHER: (staring at her phone) I like the first bit, "Beware the novelist... intimate and indiscreet... pompous, prophetic airs... here is the fact of fiction." I just can't wait for the release.

EARS: (staring at her phone) I like the last bit, "To read a book is to let a root sink down. List of the Lost is the reality of what is true battling against what is permitted to be true".  I love the use of the words, "let a root sink down".

COMRADE HARPS: (staring at phone) They've missed a comma.

HEATHER: Yes, I noticed that.

RAT: I didn't. Where have they missed one?

COMRADE HARPS: After the word true. It should read, "List of the Lost is the reality of what is true, comma, battling against what is permitted to be true." Otherwise it reads like "true battling".

RAT: Oh yeah, you're right.

JAZ: The cover picture of the runner-

MARIANNE: -Earl Young-

JAZ: -looks just like Moz, but with short hair. He must have stumbled across it online and decided it would be amusing to use it.

MARIANNE: I like it.

RAT: Hey, Jaz, have you seen that two new photos of your San Diego blue rose have been added to the BRS tumblr site?

JAZ: Really? No, I hadn't seen that. I'll look now.

Just then, the door of the Twitterdilly Arms opens, and in bursts a woman dressed all in orange, and sporting an orange wig. She is also wearing a blue rose. The woman looks exactly like Lil the Dancer from Twin Peaks - but in orange as opposed to red. It is Chuck aka Lucy the mechanical orange - self proclaimed fruit of the Blue Rose Society. She is attempting to pull the same face as Earl Young from the cover of List of the Lost.

Chuck walks over to the table where the small group are gathered, and addresses them.

CHUCK: Do you lot realise that you were supposed to hold the AGM of the BRS on June 21st?

The group stare blankly.

CHUCK: For Christ's sake, I'm not even in your silly gang, but I seem to know more about what goes on around here than any of you! Do none of you remember Rat's BRS AGM parody from last year? It was stated at the end of the piece by your Chairman, Loughton Lil, that the next AGM would be held on June 21st 2015. No doubt Rat was too busy fiddling with his wicket and balls to remember to write it.

RAT: I'm not the chairman, it's up to him to make arrangements for the AGM.

HEATHER: To be fair, Lil hasn't been around much in recent months, and if I'm honest, I'd completely forgotten you'd written that piece, Rats.

RAT: Yes, I noticed you'd not commented on it. In fact, apart from a few anonymous comments, hardly anyone commented on it. It makes me wonder why I bother writing my amusing parodies.

MOZ FIEND: You haven't written one of your parodies for ages, Rat.

RAT: And you wonder why? When nobody bothers commenting, it destroys the soul. Us writers need to know we are appreciated. I could understand if my parodies were dreary, like Bitter Bobby Neville's, the pessoa blogger, but they are a work of art.
(Turns to Chuck) You must know how I feel, the parody you published on your blog thing yesterday was really good, with the obvious exception of your ridiculous conclusion, and yet only three people have commented. Mind you, it didn't help that it only remained as the front page story for an hour and a half, before that boozy bint over there (looks towards Boozy Kerry, who is now laying on her back on the floor, laughing to herself for no apparent reason) replaced it with a groundbreaking piece about how the cover of Morrissey's new book is orange.

CHUCK: Well, unlike you, I don't need a load of brown nosers heaping false praise on me. Three comments is just fine; at least they are sincere. No one thinks your parodies are funny, the only reason you ever get any comments at all is because your little band of followers are all too scared to upset you, and on that point, that is why I am here. (Addressing the whole pub) I have come to take over the running of the Blue Rose Society.

RAT: You can't just take it over, you haven't even taken a rose to a concert yet.

CHUCK: That's your problem, Rat, you are the one who is always making up the rules. Who says you have to take a rose to a concert to be a member of the BRS? You keep trying to claim that the BRS is not your club, and yet it is always you making the rules. If it is Morrissey's Society, as you always state, then let him make the rules.

RAT: It WAS Our Mozzer who made the rule, you stupid orange! It was he who asked us to bring roses to his concerts. How many times must I state this? How can the BRS possibly work if nobody takes roses to concerts?

The orange Chuck goes quiet for a moment or two as she collects her thoughts, and then suddenly springs back into life.

CHUCK: The Blue Rose Society could have been huge by now, and concert halls could have been awash with roses, but Rat, because of your bullying and dictating, you've kept people away. The World of Morrissey blog is a revolution. I believe that if you weren't involved with the BRS, we could make it grow.

EARS: I don't want Rat to leave.

HEATHER: Nor me.

CHUCK: Your loyalty is commendable, but you must see that all the hatred towards the BRS, and all the negativity, is because of Rat. The group we have at TWoM is growing, and as long as Rat isn't involved, we can spread the message of the BRS, and one day soon, concert halls really will be full of beautiful blue roses.

The room goes quiet. Nobody speaks for a few minutes, until Rat stands up and addresses the room.

RAT: Chuck is of course right. The BRS has been successful in the US, but in Europe it has failed to take off, and for it to happen, I need to bow out. I call on Chuck and her friends to take over the running of the BRS for the upcoming European concerts, and let's see if they can spread the word. I meanwhile, will continue to wait for that promised MorrisseysWorld parody.

Just then, the toilet door opens, and out walks Manc Lad.

MANC LAD: I'd give it five minutes if I were you.


  1. Continuity point: when did Manc lad pop out to the bog?

    Procedural point: Was I re-elected Chairman? If I was then the AGM is my cock-up and I prostrate myself before the BRS for suitable punishment.

    I must say, the last line is a classic though.

  2. Actually the cover picture reminded me of "The Lonliness of the Long Distance Runner" you know the one where they all sing Jerusalem, it's similar to the oringinal cover for that book. Which would be apt considering the press release tease.
    Oh and I had not seen the pics before until I woke up this morning to it being mentioned on twit so thanks.

  3. Rat, I always enjoy reading your parodies and I still faithfully read your blog. I am always honored to be a character in your stories. I am really trying not to take sides in the war of the Moz blogs. I read both, comment on both, and am willing to have a conversation with anyone who is bored enough to seek my company. I have always brought a blue rose to Moz shows and will continue to do so. I never felt BRS was owned by anyone or that there was a leader. I don't see why we all can't coexist. But then, perhaps I am dim witted.

  4. Great surprise to get a new parody, even if it isn't the long-awaited MW one. Thanks for some much-needed laughs and yes, I sincerely enjoyed it thoroughly. I can't agree that the negativity towards the BRS stems from one sole cause; there are certainly multiple factors involved. I share Moz Fiend's view that the BRS has never been owned by anyone. The directive to bring roses came from OM himself and I've always thought it was a beautiful way for us to express our love and appreciation.

  5. Entertaining & unexpected parody Rats - thank you. I am so utterly predictable. "To read a book is to let a root sink down" IS beautiful.
    I am afraid the differences of opinion, clashes, call it what you will, are inevitable. We have something precious in BRS, which I hope, in our diverse ways we will continue to nurture & preserve.

  6. Not that I wish to detract from all the hard work and effort that goes into writing any blog, but I just had the strangest sense of déjà vu. Have I been here before? Doesn’t ‘TWo Peaks’ from TWOM bear an uncanny resemblance to one of the MW blog entries? Coincidence? My imagination? Who knows.

    1. There was no article about the T-R-B coincidence on the old MW blog, but maybe you refer to a comment that was left by Ch*ck there once, where she explained that coincidence, together with Our Mozzer's "My fingernails collect the world's problems" quote. It's been in my mind ever since, and was now just recycled for the TWo Peaks parody.

    2. I remember the T-R-B under the fingernails coincidence that Chuck (I think we can drop the asterisk from the word Ch*ck now - we've moved on and grown up a bit since then) wrote about on MW, but it can't really be linked to ME being the 'problem' as the song, 'My fingernails collect the world's problems' was about something completely different. Here are the lyrics, as originally posted on Day 859 (wrongly by me) and Day 860:

      'The sky was crimson and your jokes were barbed
      Blackest envy gripped your precious heart
      You vomited for hours
      You died on a bench

      As coldness rotted your still-living bones
      Politicians made cuts
      Bankers got fat
      My fingernails collect the world's problems
      My fingernails collect the world's problems

      As bitter and cold as I am,
      My heart, such as it is, goes out to you,
      Your blue lips colder than Fulham Road in December,
      Your small mind broken by the spite of this world,

      I'm sorry I did nothing,
      So sorry,
      As I live, I will never feel a thing again,
      Your life was everything to me,
      And now I am a frozen shadow.'

    3. I wouldn't necessarily assume that lyrics only have one layer. But apart from that - you must be clairvoyant, Monsieur Rat. From all 26 letters in our alphabet, you managed to choose those exact three letters as nick that spell the murderer's name in Twin Peaks, long before Twin Peaks was even mentioned on the MW blog that you... accidentally stumbled upon. And that's not all - the rat's back, as you're a rodent, will of course be quite furry, and you chose that name long before Our Mozzer referred to himself as the bedsit blogger with the hairy back! And how could you guess that backs and derrières would one day become a theme in MW, back then when you... accidentally stumbled upon MW? I'm so utterly fascinated that I can hardly type.

  7. Poor Manc! Always the butt of Rats jokes.

  8. Monsieur Rat, could it be that there's a reasonable humorous human being hidden under that ruffled fur? I'm impressed with your parody! I'm sure I laughed at all the wrong points. And thank you for mentioning my TWo Peaks story, I'm surprised that you like it. One thing that confuses me though is that you say that my conclusions are ridiculous - which conclusions have I drawn in your opinion? Have I drawn any?

    As for this "war of the blogs" idea - how weird that the occurance of a second Blue Rose fan blog automatically causes expectations of conflicts. One person even asked me if I think it's possible for them to peacefully live on both blogs. Why do people assume that anyone would demand of them to make a choice? I wonder who or what is the reason for such concerns.

    1. There is of course no war of the blogs - we all want the BRS to grow, but for that to happen, it does mean that people have to actually take roses to concerts - which is where you now come in, Orangey Chuck. No one will listen to me, as you have previously pointed out, I have bullied everyone to death regarding taking roses, so over to you to make it happen.

  9. I was the one who flippantly used the phrase "war of the blogs". I wasn't being serious but I guess that didn't come across. I don't believe there is a war in actuality or that anyone would be asked to choose a side. I suppose I recoil at conflict naturally and since there is so much conflict in this world, I always assume there will be more. I have enough inner conflict and therefore I certainly do not look for any from the outside. Some conflict, you cannot escape, but I digress. I just wanted to make it clear that I have no concerns about not being able to take part in either blog.


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