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Thursday, 15 October 2015

Day 1495 - Saruta this! A MorrisseysWorld classic

Morrissey's European tour is nearly at an end. Last night he played in Bucharest, Romania and tomorrow he finishes in Skopje, Macedonia. No members of the BRS were at last night's concert, and I know of none going tomorrow.

There was a new Sam Esty Rayner backdrop displayed last night during Kiss Me A Lot. It features a still picture of Gina Lollobrigida and Sean Connery from the film Woman of Straw, with the wording, SARUTA - MA INDE LUNG. It is an interesting coincidence that Astra's profile picture on twitter is a picture of Gina, and the Romanian word for kiss, saruta, is an anagram of U Astra.

I have nothing else to write today, so instead I shall post a classic parody piece from the now defunct MorrisseysWorld website. And still we live in hope that a new MW parody will one day appear.


Q&A with iconic singer Morrissey - introduction

Dear all,

While Morrissey has long since left the building, we (I am the site administrator) did think it would be a nice gesture to leave you with a short Q&A session we did a few days ago. This is a genuine session we held in the Dorchester with a couple of friends of Morrissey. Present were the following:

Iconic singer-songwriter Morrissey who has recently been compared to the poet Larkin and regularly invites comparison with such intellectual luminaries as Alan Bennett. Considered a poet by many, the famously reclusive star prefers to understate his many talents (animal rights activist, poet, businessman, board game legend, songwriter) by describing himself simply as a 'singer.'

Jonathan Ross: The only man in north London who thinks publicly admitting he's Jewish might hold back his TV career.

Russell Brand: What Bob Geldof's lovechild with Dot Cotton might have looked like, had he been the survivor of a botched backstreet termination attempt using an unravelled coathanger and a small bottle of white spirits (would look a bit like Peaches, actually, sanscoathanger).

Boz Boorer: long-time guitarist and musical director of Morrissey's band.


Ross: Haha, this is a pretty nice suite you've got Mozzer...

Moz: Well, not bad... [chews on lower lip, looks mildly embarrassed/humble]

Brand: Very nice suite. Oh I say, a very nice suite... [wide eyes, overly-demonstrative hand movements]

Ross: Well you're just doing a European tour at the moment, Mozzer...

Moz: Yes, I know that Jonathan. It is my tour... [looks bewildered]

Ross: Haha Mozzer. Well this is all going very well, as Adrian Chiles once said...

Brand: Going very well. Very well indeed.

Moz: Russell, may I proffer a few words of advice?

Brand: Please do, Morrissey. You know how I appreciate your wise words, your very wise words...

Moz: Well simply repeating the last two words said by somebody else in a slightly deranged voice might pass for 'entertainment' on the television, but it won't wash with my audience; remember what you did at the Roundhouse? Let's not make this the Roundhouse mark II. Pay attention to how it's done, Russell. There's a method in my madness, you know...

Brand: Method, madness, method... [looks ashamed] ... OK Morrissey. Sorry I'll listen. It's so hard for me to control my manly urges around you, Morrissey...

Moz: [shakes head] Now are either of you gentlemen feeling a bit peckish?

Brand: Peckish? Oh yes, I say, peckish I am. I am peckish...

Moz: A simple yes or no would suffice...

Ross: Yes, but look what I've brought Mowwissey... [lifts box of 12 Krispy Kremes up from under chair]

Moz: Oh come now Jonathan. We're in the Dorchester here. We're not going to be dining on Krispy Kremes this afternoon... Boz...! Boz!

Boz: [shuffles into the room] Are you ready now, sir?

Moz: Why else would I be calling out your name Boz? [juts jaw out, imperceptible roll of the eyes]

Ross: Well you look lovely Boz in that Playboys t-shirt. [grins]... do you always
wear a uniform Boz?

Boz: Well-

Moz: Enough socialising, Boz. Haven't you got something to bring us? I'm not paying you by the hour to chat to my guests, you know...

Boz: Sorry, sir. [leaves the room]

Brand: Oh a man in a uniform, a man in a uniform...

Moz: Yes, I find the uniforms help to inform my backing musicians of their station in life. It's a much-maligned thing, the uniform; but frankly I wouldn't be without them... I've tried not having uniforms and my session musicians tend to get all uppity and make excessive demands of my time and money, and it's just not on, you know...

Ross: Really? [feigns an interest, checks his watch, wonders if Cheryl Cole will make a comeback at the knockout stage of UK X Factor]

Moz: Certainly. I find if the t-shirts refer to me, it helps reinforce the excellent relationship I enjoy with my musicians, that of capitalist to their prole. Remember the days when the capitalist was the heartbeat of the community and even provided slum housing for his employees to live in with their seventeen children and three terriers? That's the spirit I'm trying to rekindle... Actually that reminds me.... Boz!... Boz!

Boz: [pokes head round door] Yes sir?

Moz: Where's that little cap I bought for you, Boz? You should be wearing it: you're on duty at the moment, old boy. Come on, find that cap and put it on. I didn't buy it for the good of my health, you know...

Boz: [disappears and reappears in cap] How do I look, sir?

Moz: Well, you look like a fat c*nt in a French maid's outfit if I'm honest.

Ross: [laughs maniacally]

Brand: Fat c*nt, fat c*nt.

Moz [glowers at Brand]

Brand: [cowers]

Moz: No you do look fine really, Boz. You look very professional. Now where are 'the goods'?

Boz: Coming right up, sir.

Ross: I won't lie - I'm a bit excited Moz. 'The goods?' - sounds like we're in for a vewwy enjoyable afternoon.

Moz: Well, you could say that...

Brand: Well my left nostril's a vaccuum cleaner, I say, a right old hoover!

Moz: [looks confused, shakes head] Hurry up Boz. The way we're building it up, the reality is bound to disappoint...

Boz: [shuffles back into suite, holds out a silver platter] Three shop-warm Co-Op pain-aus-raisin, Sir...

Brand: [laughs inanely]

Moz: [turns to Brand] Is something amusing, Russell?

Brand: No, Morrissey, I was just thinking of something David Lynch said last week...

Moz: [rolls eyes, stares out of the window, nibbles on pain-au-raisin]

Ross: Well, this is gorgeous Mowwissey!

Moz: Jonathan, please don't speak with your mouth full. Your speech is bad enough with an empty mouth...

Ross: [sniggers, coughs]

Brand: Your speech is bad enough with an empty mouth...

Moz: Russell I'm going to tw*t you out in a f***ing minute-

Brand: No, Morrissey, no, I wasn't just repeating the words somebody else spoke... well I was but-

Moz: [stares, unconvinced]

Brand: I was actually thinking that sounds like the title of a Morrissey song. You're so eminently quotable Morrissey...

Moz: [nods] Well perhaps for a b-side... Boz...! Boz! Paper and pen, please...

Boz: Paper and pen, sir.

Moz: Don't hand it to me, Boz. Write this down, please.

Boz: Very good, sir

Moz: Your speech is bad enough with an empty mouth. Consider for b-side song title. Do you know something, Russell? I'm impressed. I never thought you had a pop mind...

Brand: [smiles sensually, flutters eyelids]

Ross: I can't believe I'm about to get rebuked on a Mowwissey record!

Moz: It's the least I can do, Jonathan. Now that you're a former star...

Ross: [laughs. Looks downcast]

Moz: Right, I think it's time to get started on the proper Q&A section now. Please pay close attention Russell. It's not just about how you say things - it's about the actual words being said. It's more science than art. Watch and learn, dear boy.

Tomorrow, I shall post the actual Q&A session parody that followed this introduction.


  1. Such fun to revisit this parody, I hadn't read this one for quite some time. The pic of Boz in the maid's outfit is a classic - I believe it wasn't too long after its appearance that the drag outfits started to appear on tour. Looking forward to the Q&A session tomorrow.

  2. But of course I'm an anagram of a kiss.

    It's the only thing I could have ever been. And the only thing I could ever be.


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